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Tuesday, 22 October 2013

Expiration date

*sigh* 

I think it's time.

As adorable as he is, as sweet as he is, as lovely as it is to talk to him, as much as I adore him, even though he's my last link to nice, intelligent conversations and random bits of silly nonsense... I think we have to stop talking.

Maybe I'm over-reacting because when he was online today we started talking about work and when I said "How about we don't talk about work. Are you resting from all the partying?" he said "I'm just resting because, I don't feel like doing anything special." I read it as him being defensive which is, admittedly, the right response because I can't say I was being 100% jovial with my question (if you must know, it's because I suspect the partying has to do with a wedding he hasn't brought up and never will.) However, defensive is also the response to talking to your emotional mistress while laying in bed with your girlfriend/wife. Defensive is what you get talking to a man who has to talk to you in secret.

The thing is, I've been thinking about the future. If you had asked me where I thought we would be two years ago, I would have guessed we would drop out of touch, eventually. Though I'm happy to get to talk to him still, there's a feeling gnawing at me: it has to end. It probably should have ended some time ago. There's just no reasonable way this can go on. I'm his two year old secret! It's none of my business how he and his girlfriend get along, but if I believe you shouldn't keep such secrets from your significant other I'm not doing the right thing by enabling him. The problem is that... the problem is that we're not just friends. Even today, there's an underlying flirtiness and unspoken attraction. Except it's deeper. It's one thing if he says I'm special to him and I make him want to be a better person and... The problem is that I'm kind of, sort of, a tiny little bit in love with him. 

Since he's kept me a secret for two years, he can't come out and tell the girlfriend that he's been talking to this other woman for two whole years in secret because he'd then have to explain why in secret. Suppose he somehow manages to find time to write and talk to me so we don't fall out of touch in the following years. Then I'll be the woman he's been talking to in secret for even more years! There's no way for this to work out!


Side note: Kind stranger who cares, you rock! Thanks for checking in on me! It means the world to me, even if we don't get to talk right now. It was the nudge I needed to hit send. Now I'll go ahead and freak out and worry far too much and not do anything much useful (even though I REALLY NEED TO) until I hear back from him. Or I don't.

I just know I'll be grieving this one later.

[7:43pm the next day edit]
It's already "later." The kind online stranger pointed out I suck at breaking up. I was too wordy. I told him more than he needs to know, I just plopped all of this information out of the fucking blue and there's a good chance he'll use that to try to coax me. Not that I think he will. To be honest, I think he wouldn't because he probably feels as I feel. Problem? I see myself talking to him and telling him about my feelings. I imagine a future where we agree to meet and not talk (but communicate anyway). I know we won't meet again, but a fear is starting to grow in me that if we meet and we hug, I will not want to let go. It translates into knowing that if we talk and he's sweet, I will not want to stop talking to him. And our talk is a whole day away. If it happens. It may not happen. Fuck

And now I want to apologise for not knowing how to break up with him. And talk to him some more. Shit. It's going to be a long day.

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