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Sunday, 6 October 2013

Dark read lipstick: the unsent e-mail edition

Hey,

Can we talk? About red lipstick? 

You know I love reading your e-mails and chatting with you about everything and nothing. You know I care about you and that you hold a special place in my heart (cheesy as that sounds, I promise it's true and apologise for not finding better words to say it). 

You know I like you.

And I know you have a girlfriend... which is why at the mention of red lipstick (and a few other things) I find myself torn and struggling to sort out the words that should reach you next. Is it fair to tell you how special you are to me? I think so. Is it fair to say I value you as a friend and that I'm happy to have you in my life? I hope so. Is it fair to tell you that when you write I feel like you're hugging me with words? Is it fair to tell you I adore you, though maybe not in so many words? Is it fair to toy with the idea of rocking the red lipstick look, to become this smouldering temptress that dances with a passion and be flattered that even a glimpse of this goes through your mind? Is it fair to ask you to dream of me and summer school? Is it fair to tell you I've had dreams about you, and that the better part of some days are spent thinking about you? Is it fair to encourage you when you venture out of the "just friends" territory and hint at having feelings for me? *sigh* That would cross the line. You have a girlfriend.

I love that you're so in touch with your feelings and you're willing to express them and manage to find the right words to do so. I'd never censor any of that. I already feel bad for only being able to say "me too," changing the tone of what you say or altogether dismissing it because a part of me has considered saying a lot more... a lot of things that shouldn't be said to someone in a committed relationship.

I just... I don't know what I expect to get out of this conversation, really (which probably explains why I'm writing it out as a letter/monologue and I'm not mailing it). I don't want us to stop talking. I don't want you to stop feeling what you feel, or saying what you say... I just want to stop feeling like I'll be in the wrong no matter what I do. Turning you down is wrong because it goes against everything I'm feeling and thinking. It goes against my belief that it can't ever be wrong to feel feelings or express them... but to allow any of it is wrong. You have a girlfriend. I stop and remind myself that I shouldn't say anything that encourages you to only talk to me in secret, when you're alone. 

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