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Saturday, 12 October 2013

Another not-really-epiphany

First things first, I can't put to words how happy I am to have aunt MT around with cousin N. Having reasonable people around, who can make reasonable arguments even if I don't necessarily agree with them, is nice. Having people who can understand how hard it is around aunt A and who have a better way of handling it (making jokes whenever possible) than me (wanting to disappear) is nice. Big old breath of fresh air (even if it's not particularly fresh, or even cool enough, for that matter).

In honour of having aunt MT around and wanting to spend every possible moment around her, I didn't schedule a therapy appointment for this week. Time around aunt MT is worth more to me than talking and hearing things I may or may not have thought of on my own. Admittedly, it's awfully helpful to have them being said by an actual living person, a clever one at that (I'll grant her that, she's a clever psychology nerd). I'm sure she's still a little on the newbie side. Take, for instance, the fact that she told me about considering going back to maths/doing things I want even though I've already thought it through and made a rational decision not to. Something tells me it came up in her mentor's observations and she tamed down the suggestions to things I've thought of but haven't fully committed to yet (auditing a maths class or joining a maths club). 

I'd considered talking about SmTn last time and ultimately decided against it. Two major reasons for it: for one, I already knew she wanted to talk more about how I felt killing a part of me and, for another, aunt A's was getting to me and it seemed like a more pressing issue. However, the session ended with me talking about my social awkwardness. I stated that it's reason enough to need therapy but not the reason I decided to go to therapy in the first place. Which is to say, it's not that it's not related to the reason I'm going to therapy, but it doesn't necessarily have that much to do with the goals we agreed to. Or so I thought. Humans are social animals and it's true it's not quite enough with occasionally chatting with A, AOB, CtThumbe and SmTn, petting the pets and... hanging out with Ck, sometimes? See? She was right. I sort of do need outlets and the process of having those available to me is a complicated one. I may have fucked up a bit because when confronted with "why don't you have friends?" I answered "I have ON and Ck, who aren't exactly friends but are certainly friendly... and then there's this story about MrInteresting and why I'm a little wary about talking to strangers." Truth is I'm not. I consider myself a good enough judge of character that I can stay away from creepy when I see it. Except the truth is I don't get far away enough sometimes. It's gone unmentioned in the blog and I'm not sure why I'd even forgotten about it until recently, thinking of MrInteresting ("But you'd tell me about it if you ever didn't feel safe, right?").

Some 6 odd years ago I answered the phone and didn't recognise the voice of the man on the other end of the line, who sort of sounded a bit like BCN. He had the wrong number. I explained as much and he hung up. And then called again and said he'd liked my voice and wanted to talk to me for a while. I couldn't find a reason or a way to say no, so I agreed to it and besides that day he called on a few other occasions. He'd pointed out at some point that if I ever felt uncomfortable with him calling me I could just tell him and he'd stop. Once I felt uncomfortable, he asked if he should stop calling and I took him up on his offer. He never called again. As far as I can tell, this is true (i.e. I did not dream it, I think). As far as I can remember, he said he lived in a poor area of the city and worked as a carpenter, but I seem to remember him giving me advice on a film about... something to help me with homework? Goodness, I don't know... It's just quite bizarre, isn't it?

Sorry, that last paragraph seems a bit out of place but it feels like it's something I should share somewhere. Where I was going with the paragraph above it is that when asked about why I don't have friends I sort of went the "I want a boyfriend but I'm a bit too wary of the idea." Even though I quite clearly stated I didn't want to get into a relationship and can quite reasonably argue that I'm just not ready for it. Keinohrhasse. Why don't I have friends-friends? 

Well, let's review the list of people I've called friends. 

First, there's A. I'm friends with her because I've always been friends with her. When she arrived at school1 I made up my mind to become friends with this new girl (whether because I had no friends up to that point or for some other reason I know not, but I think it was exactly that... the reason why I had no friends then is not so evident to me). I don't know how or why, but it just happened. In our only big fight (age: 5) she called me ignorant and I called her fat (I never have since and never would, even when mum points out she's not really losing weight/she's actually gaining weight). I don't know why I tell her things except that I've told her so much it feels natural to do so. I'm not sure if there's anything much to it, but I am grateful for the fact that we like the some of the same things and agree in important debates (i.e. we're all about the LGTBI love, for instance). At almost twenty years of being friends, I'm not sure there's much that can happen to change our relationship drastically. We'll never be the best or closest of friends, but we're good friends and old friends and get along quite well (which can't be said of anyone else I knew when I was 5). 

There's N1, too. The reason I'm friends with her is "being in the group of girls she was in." That group being "the one that's not very popular with boys and for the most part stays away from the alpha females trying to prove their superiority." I don't think there's much more to it and I'm not sure why, of all the people in that group, she's the only one, besides A, I was still talking to when I was in university. Except, maybe, for the fact that she was good friends with A and maybe something transferred over? I don't know. I think I said that before. Haven't heard from her in months, though, so there's that too. Doesn't matter because we're counting friends, whether we drifted apart or not, like it happened with EBF.

I think it's fair to say that the next one on the list is EBF. Then there's AOB. We got along because we got each others' brand of weirdness and it was comfortable. Then life happened.

That leaves SmTn and CtThumbe. SmTn I won't go into detail with because he's sort of the odd one out. CtThumbe I bonded with because she is not so unlike me. In summer school, we were the nice-looking girls who everyone assumed had had sex and happened to be virgins. We're equally wary of men who hit on us and we're both a bit on the shy side (she's a lot nicer, smilier, sweeter and less socially stupid than me, though). She also rationalises social interactions quite a lot and gets as confused as I would. 

The main component in all of them is that they're all broken somehow. CtThumbe, N1 and A have trouble making new friends (A has trouble making good friends), and, more importantly, they all have some form of sex-related issue. I won't go into those here or now. I just suddenly realised that's what they have in common and I'm only now starting to mull it over. As for EBF, AOB and SmTn... what they share with me is my thoughts, if that's a fair thing to say. We just get each other and feel comfortable around each other. Or did (EBF). Note that both EBF and AOB took/take pills for psychological/psychiatric (sorry, can't be bothered to look up the difference) disorders. Something tells me I may not be too far off the mark if I say SmTn could be struggling with mild depression every now and then.

I'm not that wary of strangers. I must confess that, no matter how horrible they make it sound, I quite like taking the bus. Yes, it often takes too long and it's kind of inconvenient, but I like having the time alone to observe and imagine what the lives of strangers are like, marvelling at their kindness (90% of strangers, I find, are just regular good people). I don't know why I said that thing about MrInteresting but my creep magnet probably needs not be the focus of the next therapy session. I don't know anything much anymore, though, so don't take my word for it. I could be very wrong.

I wonder if I'd end up telling the therapist about LesMisGuy...

Soundtrack of the day: "Solamente Tú," by Pablo Alborán. That song is beautiful.

As for the reason behind the title (and I think I won't be writing much about it right now), the realisation I arrived at is that I will avoid confrontation as much as I can. If it means being away from the fighting and completely isolating myself from the drama (even if it translates to isolating myself from everything), that's what I'll (try to) do. Today when people spoke animatedly about hot topics I sat quietly and petted the dog, watched my phone and thought of reasons to get up and away from the table. Then, as much as when I try to shoo creeps away, it's about survival. Note, however, that my techniques are far from effective. 

While we're on the subject of fools' epiphanies, let me point out that my low self-esteem is rooted in the fact that I seek approval from everyone around me. It's why I let criticism get to me (I feel it's true and internalise it, whether I like it or not) and it's also why I worry I'm fucking everything up all the time. I'm very afraid of not being liked. It's a negative feedback loop where low self-esteem leads to looking for approval I feel like I'm not getting, which results in lower self-esteem. Aren't I fucking brilliant? It's also why aunt MT means the world to me. She's always made it clear that I'm special and she loves me and everything is right in the world when it's so. 

Random thought: I so want to be the girl with the gay bff who's in one of my classes this semester and was in another one of my classes in the last semester. I envy their friendship, I love the way she can just bring up concerns, say things that sound smart even when they're not and how she can not give a single flying fuck about having said something a bit silly. I also think there's an innately sexy attitude to her and I wish I had her voice and demeanour.

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