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Sunday, 20 October 2013

A very brief review

See? This is precisely why I regret not having a record of the conversations I had with SmTn that were lost when I changed my hard drive. 

I'm still thinking of SmTn and the serious conversation I want to have with him about dark red lipstick. It occurred to me to go over my dreams of him and his girlfriend and I ended up revisiting the time when I first found out he lived with her. I told him I felt horrible being the other woman. We agreed on wanting to be friends a while longer. He said it was selfish of him but he couldn't risk everything for me and would try to juggle a balance where he could make as many people as possible happy. I was self-deprecating and told him, in so many words, he could just give up on being my friend any time if it was for the greater good (i.e. being with his girlfriend). He seemed genuinely worried about me not being okay. We agreed on a break. Reading those conversations and e-mails still upsets me. After the break nothing much had changed. Except we stopped talking about our feelings and kept things "friend appropriate." Except he brought up dark red lipstick. Damn.

And, you know, I still want to have a serious talk with him but I'm afraid it will be a repeat of what we've already said. Should it just be a serious and cowardly e-mail, then?

Of course, I'm thinking all this around midnight, after wasting hours looking for and at old conversations with SmTn knowing I should study. Fucking study. I'm already tired. Yet I'm waiting to watch The Mentalist. And instead of studying I want to write SmTn an e-mail. Fuck.

Song of the moment is "Cuando Nadie Me Ve" by Alejandro Sanz. I read about it and the lyrics don't seem to have anything much to do with anything, but what can I do? It's the song I hear playing in my head.

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