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Monday, 23 September 2013

To the kind stranger who cares

Hello,

Sorry I'm not actually answering your message, preferring a mock response in the form of a blog post you'll never see. I'll answer tomorrow, promise. Thank you for caring. Thank you for following up. I know you don't get paid for this and I really appreciate it. I daresay you seem to care more than the therapist who's going to see me next week. 

Goodness! Where is my head these days? First I promise the academic counsellor I'll e-mail her my résmé in a few hours and only remember to do so late at night. Then I bloody forget I'm supposed to consider moving Thursday's appointment to Wednesday, to account for the class we won't have. I have managed not to study one bit to start working and not to have done anything at all about the new set of problems we were given the task to help with. I started an e-mail for SmTn but haven't finished it. I did some laundry. I haven't even looked at the bioelectricity notes or textbook and the idea of showing up for class tomorrow and seeing my exam mortifies me. Add to that the fact that my suspicions about the starer are true. I should have noticed earlier that if I'm turned to look at whoever's speaking in the back and he's turned to look at me... well, he's bloody looking at me. 

I wish you were my therapist, you know. I already feel quite comfortable with you and I feel like I could ask you all the questions that worry me about therapy (how does it work? how bad is it that I lied? what should I say? what do you need to know? why?). Alas! I know all you're supposed to do is just be a really good listener. And you are. You are amazing. Thank you for listening. Thank you for caring. Thank you for being there. 


For the sake of balance, let me just mention something nice about my day: I'm really liking the nanomedicine class. I'm excited to be making all of these connections and I actually enjoy being in class because the professor's method of asking us what to do with the information he's just given us (is that the French method of teaching? where did I ever hear this nonsense...?) makes the gears in my head turn, it makes me think and thinking is one thing I like to do. I appreciate the fact that the professor is friendly and easy to approach when I have questions I didn't feel were part of the class and I even suspect he likes that I have such questions. I like to think I've come up with clever questions and that he thinks a little better of me for it. Goodness knows I already feel bad for how lowly Pf1 (especially him) and Pf2 may think of me. I'm saving face with the nanomedicine professor then. I'm not a complete and utter failure. I just don't know where my head is at.

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