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Saturday, 14 September 2013

(somewhat unnecessary) Update

Some catching up is due and yet... first thing I want to write about is LesMisGuy. 

For no particular reason, I've had him in my mind lately. Could be because of the Nick dream, could be that my thinking about him caused the dream. Wouldn't know how to know the difference between the two.  Knowing myself to be prone to obsess a bit much about everything, I've forbidden myself to open his profile on Facebook. Being prone to obsess a bit much about everything, this hasn't stopped me from starting to type his name in the search bar, if only to see how many letters it takes for his name to show up (I can proudly who am I kidding? say it takes two letters, not one). I'd say I don't do it too often, but in the context of me obsessing with LesMisGuy any amount of looking for him is too much, isn't it? If you have any doubts, let me say it: it's too much. How do I know? Today, only. just. now I looked up his name. I'd noticed yesterday and the day before (perhaps) that it did not appear and wondered if he'd maybe closed his profile or changed the settings or... Never fucking mind. I was starting to obsess and it didn't stop me from looking for him again (read: typing the two magic letters) and noticing a change under his name. Namely, the list of universities he's attended. And it let out the crazy in me. Fortunately, Unfortunately Oddly enough, though he's "close" hah! he's actually much farther away than if he'd stayed in Bta. So, no chance of running into him, at least. Right. No chance of seeing him. Except maybe when I go home for the holidays, then all bets are off and I'll go mad thinking of every possibility. Fuck. See? It unleashed the crazy. 


So, let's write about a different kind of crazy. Following instructions, I left aunt A a note on the fridge with the pre-agreed upon apology. Would you believe it? She walked into my room and asked why I hadn't said it to her face with a somewhat angry tone and she actually shut herself up when I explained I didn't want it to start another argument. Instead she offered she was going out for lunch with uncle C and aunt B and asked if I'd like to come with. Appetite not quite back yet, I had only half of my lunch (the chicken) and left the rest for later. It bothered me that she was still trying to stir up an argument over the manner of my apology, but I, again, followed instructions and told myself to let it go. I also have to let go of the idea of her having to apologise because she quite simply won't. And it's not okay but it's what it is. For what it's worth, she's actually trying to be nice and let me be, so I'll write that off as a plus and go on waiting for Wednesday. 

To those of you who would wonder if the crisis is not already averted and I can't go on just carrying on, I'll kindly inform you that an innocent conversation about whether or not uncle A had read a book during lunch quickly turned into a somewhat morbid discussion about suicide. And I just can't stomach that without some kind of external help. Thank goodness for cousin S's girlfriend because even if our conversations are mostly about make up and nail polish and what's "in trend" for a given season, it seems like she also doesn't have a mind for such darkness. 

To me: Get some work done, you! We've got a bloody text next week that we actually have to study for! Pf2 has already mentioned there work will start soon and Pf1 has asked for problem questions I can't even begin to understand. 

Also to me... but probably back as part of a post. 

I didn't want to write it down before for fear of making it "real." I lied to SmTn when I said I'd do anything to be in summer school two years from now because saying it confirmed just how false the statement was. I can't go. Giving up maths as a career is all but final. I'm stuck with the life of having a job, and it's all I can do to make sure I don't fuck it up too badly. I've made arrangements so that I can tailor myself to that life. As nice as it is to think that I can study maths on the side and do something worthwhile with it, the truth is that I grow dumber by the day. I don't have the discipline to make myself into a brilliant engineer, leave alone study anything else on the side. It's all I can do to read real literature to tickle my brain. Maybe I'll do something about the discipline thing. It's just something that will have to be fixed after the other things that worry me. 

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