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Sunday, 22 September 2013

Rambling about relationships

Growing anxious about not having accomplished anything at all this weekend. My response to that, of course, was to watch YouTube make-up tutorials. Because that makes everything better somehow. And I'm actually a little serious, there: make-up tutorials are the modern day girl's equivalent of watching Bob Ross. 

Also on my mind, that protocol question about my relationship status is bothering me. Are you supposed to want to be in a relationship? Is that a measurement of how well you feel? Is the natural state of things one where you're in love (or on the way to feeling that way)? So much of what I see around me is centred about the idea of being with someone, you know. It could well be just my inner hopeless romantic at work, but then I have to realise I've had this notion since... well... since I was 4-5, at least. Even then I was quite eager to be liked, to find my blue prince. What could a 5 year old possibly want to do with a partner? I'm not entirely sure, but the idea was ingrained in my mind even then.

It's not sensible to want a relationship now and I can't say I actively look for one because Keinohrhasse really got to me and I firmly believe you're in no place to be in a relationship if you're not quite happy and stable on your own without it. I can't depend on someone else to make me happy. It's part of the reason every hint of rejection has such a horrid effect on me. I allow myself to think "I'll be happy when I am with him." Sometimes it's blatantly wrong (see: D) and sometimes it just doesn't happen (see: everyone else). Every time, happiness slips through the cracks.

Should I simply not want a relationship? Not need one at all? No can do, I'm afraid. It's built into me. At least part of it has to do with having grown up with my parents as an example. It only just hit me the other day when mum mentioned that the old man hadn't called at all that day. He calls every day around lunch time. Not to say "we need to buy groceries" or to say "have you done this yet?" but to say hello. For no reason other than to check in and ask how everything is going, to tell us a tiny bit about his day up to that point. They're far from being a "perfect" couple and yet you'd be hard pressed to find one like them. Mum worries about not being able to see him at all when he leaves very early and arrives very late, so she makes a point out of waking up extra early to be able to say hello and be there for him. The old man recognises that mum is a saint and loves her so very much. Wouldn't have thought of it being that way until.. well, quite recently, but they're really something. What went unnoticed for all of twenty four years is that they're actually very loving people. Whether it's the well thought, more-expensive-than-we-can-afford-but-I-just-know-it-would-make-you-so-happy gifts, helping around the house, making lunch/breakfast or just regular old "taking care of each other" it's there. Rough patches, unreasonable spells on both sides and problems being what they are, it all seems to stay the same. And they're such hard working people, too, you know. It's another one of those things that had sort of gone unnoticed until I realised the real scale of it. I reckon the hardworking bit is what keeps them going, no matter what kind of trouble pops up. 

Got me all sentimental. I'm crying and I'm not entirely sure why. Chemical imbalance, hormones, loneliness. all of the above, none of the above... I don't know. 

Not that there's an awful lot to go on, but I realised I've incorporated a lot of what I saw in my parents to my loving relationships. Whether it was the folly of confession, the meaningful gifts, wanting to check in every (other) day, or just the foolish belief that if I tried hard enough I could make things work. Of course, this vision is both narrow-minded and naïve: there's so much more to being in a relationship: namely, how the other person feels about you and what their approach to being in a relationship is. Oh, and just how stupid it makes me to be head over heels for someone. Stupid has a tendency to fuck everything up. 

Oh dear, it really does feel lonely. Makes me feel more than a little empty. 

Sorry, dear blog, I'm not making an awful lot of sense today. I wanted to write a post about how admirable I realised my parents were, how I'd never realised how "functional" their relationship is (even through its ups and downs) compared to what I've seen around these parts and it would seem I struck a nerve somewhere. 

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