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Thursday, 12 September 2013

Following instructions

So... My day today. I've seen better days. I've had days when I didn't have to hold back the urge to cry since 8:30am, days when I didn't break down after lunch. Unlucky for me, I was already tearing up on my way to the counselling centre and had to hide in the restroom for a bit to try to calm down before walking in. Calming down went only as far as my second time asking "Can I get an appointment any earlier?" and even as the sweet secretary said "Well, maybe we can move it to Tuesday..." I just broke down and started crying. Lucky for me, there are such things as emergency/crisis appointments and they're designed exactly for moments like this. I'd refrained from using the emergency contact number because my forms of self-harm are on the milder side and I always figured it's best to leave such resources to the people who need them most, but I had no idea about the emergency sessions. I'm glad they thought about it.

I was glad there was someone willing to talk to me. I was glad there was a record of me already and I didn't have to start from scratch. I was glad the therapist who saw me tried to agree with me, told me I was a strong young woman and that I'd get through this. I'm glad she gave me a set of calming down techniques. I'm glad she told me I didn't have to apologise, like uncle A asked this morning. She agreed apologising for something I don't feel is at fault will do no good. She made an emphasis on how all my actions until the therapy session need to be aimed at survival. It's all about doing what will keep me sane the longest. However, even after ending the meeting, I was still uneasy. So I logged on to again. The person who talked to me tried to make me see aunt A's side. It's not that I don't see it, I just think it's fundamentally wrong at it's core: her issues don't entitle her to lash out at anyone, no matter whose house she's in. This person insisted I absolutely had to apologise. I only half-agree and that because I'll feel bad if I have to tell mum I haven't yet. 

On the brighter side of things, and they'll never know how much it meant to me, both ON and Ck asked how my week was going. I lied and said it was going well, and chitchatted a bit after that. It meant the world to me to have two friendly faces so "close."

For what it's worth, even though some are redundant, I'll write down the instructions I received from the therapist:
 - listen to music/sing
 - write a journal (I won't be forgetting about the blog anytime soon)
 - phone a friend (don't think I'll be bringing AOB into this mess)
 - free massages (believe it or not, I'm actually considering this)
 - eat small meals throughout the day and schedule them so I don't miss them
 - go to
 - let it slide, let it all slide as often as I can
 - something I've asked AOB to help me figure out (ok, maybe I will sort of taint him with this mess)
 - oh, and "grounding"
 - and "eyes on the prize" (maybe not in so many words)*

As for the second online stranger, the apology we settled for is something along the lines of "I meant no offence or disrespect with what I said. I am sorry it made you feel that way. I hope we don't fight again." It's a much more polite alternative to "I am sorry what I said upset you. I'd like to ask you to never again yell at me."

* So I actually made an appointment with someone who can hopefully help me figure out how to make money away from here and close to where my sister would like to study.

Things being what they are, this was, of course, the day I spilled black beans on my crotch and red pomegranate juice on my white t-shirt. *sigh*

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