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Monday, 16 September 2013

Crazy idea

Still thinking of LesMisGuy. Still. Crazy idea got into my head. That maybe he wanted to be near me and failed spectacularly. Because the same three letters stand for more than one university and he's next to another? Yep, that's all I've got to go on. Of course, the reasonable reason is that it's a prestigious university that does well at what LesMisGuy is good at. Never mind the silence, the madness in me found a way to make it about him wanting to see me. 

Soundtrack of the moment: "California Gurls" by Katy Perry. 


[10:59pm edit]
I was this close to visiting his profile. I had to remind myself of what I might see (nothing out of the ordinary) and what it would do to me (cause me to freak the fuck out, of course... over bloody everything). 

Between thinking of LesMisGuy, bouts of online procrastination, waiting for aunt A to fall asleep so I can fetch my sleeping cools, wondering what I'm doing wrong all the time and remembering all the shit I should do but am not doing (obviously, I'm typing on the blog... which helps no one!) I'm certain not to finish the homework problem questions for today like I'd hoped. Which means it's put off until tomorrow, when I should be studying for the test on Thursday (let it be Thursday, please?... yes). It struck me today: I don't remember what it was like to go a day without worrying about money. I mean, there were the days where I worried about losing what little money my parents had given me to spend on snacks, but I'v completely forgotten what it was like before I worried about having money to pay for tuition, about what it means to buy groceries on a tight budget, about what calls still reach my parents from people they owe money to, about what I need to do if I want to ease these problems. I just don't. I want to believe I might have been a better student. I'd like to think I would have had more choices at the end of my career to go anywhere I liked and go on studying what I liked, being decently good at it. I might have even finished the degree in philosophy, you know. But that's for the people who don't worry about money and the very brave people who become inspirational stories. Not for me.

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