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Tuesday, 10 September 2013

Bring an end to gossip everywhere!


So, it's one thing if aunt A hears rumours from aunt B (gossip queen bee) and uses that to fuel her rage. The background for aunt A's problems lie in mental illness and this is just another tool to make things worse.

But it's completely a different thing if I just wonder about my pay, ask if it's the right amount, and word gets out that I'm upset about it. That's absolutely not the way I wanted to phrase it. I was wondering if there was maybe a mistake somewhere in there. I was wondering if that was the right amount of money for someone like me. I should not have mentioned Ck. I should not have mentioned Ck. I should not have mentioned Ck. Because Pf2 just asked if I was upset about my pay because the woman I spoke to got word out to the department and from there to Pf2 and then... Why? Now I feel like I need to hide under a rock for asking a simple question. I might have gotten a clue when the woman I spoke to got snappy and acted like in asking if I maybe should get more money I was asking for her left kidney. I might have gotten a clue when she asked who exactly I had talked to. I might have known to shut the fuck up. I might have known to leave it alone after the first answer: NO. Minus 80 social skills points. You just can't fail this hard by asking simple questions. Unless you're me. Then it's mandatory. Fuck up the only attempts at a friendship you have in the damned work place. 

Oh, now I want to hide under a rock. And stay there. Except maybe to go to therapy, which could not be moved to a sooner date because that's how many people want therapy and if I moved it I'd have to wait a full month. 

Oh, I feel like a steaming pile of shit! Imagine Pf2 worried that I'd gotten the wrong idea somehow! Imagine him hurt that I'd thought he'd somehow cheated me! Oh, how little and tiny and insignificant I feel! Even if he's quite easygoing and it became a non-issue... it was an issue! It should not have been! Why did that snappy woman have to go tell people I'd gone to ask? Where was the need for that? I don't think explaining myself any more could have helped. If anything, I should have explained less. I should have said nothing that did not pertain to me directly. Not about Ck, not about Pf2, not about anyone. Fuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuck!

It would worry mum to know I haven't had much to eat the last few days. Yesterday I almost couldn't eat my bowl of cereal (anything past the fourth or fifth tablespoon started to feel like too much), my lunch consisted of a glass of juice with a granola bar, dessert consisted of four m&ms, and dinner consisted of chicken nuggets. That's all I ate all day. And I was not hungry. Not even this morning. Half a pastry into the two I'd gotten for breakfast I was already having a hard time eating. My stomach rumbles and growls and 

Oh, the shame! The gossip! What will they all think of me?!

even though I know I should eat because that's what my body is asking for, I cannot actually eat. I'm a little afraid to order lunch/dinner because I know I can't eat a full serving of anything. I can't focus on class or anything much. This morning and last night, keeping me from going to sleep, was aunt A still blasting, crazy eyes ablaze and my futile rationalisation of it all. As of this afternoon, I now also have the appalling shame of not ever wanting to run into anyone ever again. I don't want to be chez les A, I don't want to be where I could see anyone I know (not that I know that many people here but it doesn't help matters one bit). 

And that still leaves the issue of having to go to my room and stay there until it's safe to gather my frozens so I can go to sleep. Rinse and repeat. 

Should aunt A attempt dialogue all I have it in me to say is "Are you willing to admit you were wrong to yell at me? If not, then you can walk back to your room and leave me alone." Mum asks me to bow my head and say I was wrong. Even though I feel it in my heart I absolutely wasn't. Asking for aunt A to be reasonable should not be wrong. 

Where is my therapy session? Wednesday the 18th, why are you so far away?

How do you cure a problem like social awkwardness and fucking even the simplest tasks up? How if therapy is too far away to start making a difference? 

Side notes: Yesterday in class the song got into my head and I couldn't get it out even as I tried to fall asleep: Mariah Carey's "We Belong Together." 

Today it's "Sous le Ciel de Paris" by Duo Gadjo (not Édith Piaf, though she also has her version, as it turns out). 

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