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Tuesday, 3 September 2013

And now, for something that has nothing to do with the last two posts.

I kept my appointment for the initial therapy session today. I showed up and was called by a petite woman in her 30s who  was all about being nice and building a comfortable atmosphere. She asked if I minded someone observing as she asked some routine questions about why I wanted to get therapy. I said no because... well, if I'm already sharing with a complete stranger, what's two complete strangers?

Her routine questions were just live versions of the ones I'd already answered in the questionnaire when I first signed up. Back then they were hard to answer. Today I completely lost it at "Have you ever thought about suicide, you know, killing yourself?" (like you have to explain that, for crying out loud). I honest to goodness just started crying. I did not expect to. I hoped I'd be able to stop a bit more quickly but I couldn't. When I got out I locked myself up in a bathroom stall and waited a bit but instead of calming myself already I cried some more. I decided I'd had about enough and couldn't go all teary-eyed to do the other things I'd thought of doing today so I gave up and got on the bus. All I managed to do today, out of four things I planned, is attend the initial meeting. It was an awful lot shorter than I expected and it won't even be with the person who will talk to me next time. And by "next time" I mean in two weeks' time. Two weeks. Bloody forever! There were no openings any sooner than that. Tells me they need quite a few more people working with them. 

In the spirit of total honesty, the answer is "yes." It's the sort of thought that goes through your head when your parents are torn between paying for only one of their daughters' education because there's just not enough money. And your mum tells you this with tears in her eyes. And you're not an outstanding enough student to deserve any real financial aid or even get decent grades.

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