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Friday, 16 August 2013

Things I hate about myself

I do realise this isn't exactly prescription medication for someone with self-esteem and insecurity issues. But I'd been meaning to get a few of these down in the blog at some point or another for a while now, just listed under the "fun facts" label. For no good reason, I suppose.

1) I'm insecure. As fuck. (but it's kind of hard to fuck if you're that insecure... no, wait, you can fuck, it's just likely to keep you from enjoying it...) As a very unfulfilling shag. (Not sure I did a very good job there, with the analogy...)

2) I can't forgive myself for making mistakes: 
 - I can't forgive myself for losing things, 
 - I can't forgive myself for botching exam questions I actually knew the answers to or were too easy,
 - I look back at old posts, find glaring spelling/grammar mistakes I know for a fact no one has seen and I feel ashamed of myself,
 - I will take a mistake to its ultimate consequences, both to pretend I can get away with no one knowing it was a mistake and as self-inflicted punishment (e.g. If I get off at the wrong bus stop and the one I wanted is far away I'll bloody walk there.)
 - I am debating with myself about the use of commas in this list (see item above),
 - I can't forgive myself for having stretch marks, cellulite and acne scars which could have been avoided altogether with proper beauty regimes,
 - I can't forgive myself for doing anything embarrassing (ever),
 and.. have you noticed that just about anything can make me feel embarrassed?

3) I have a tendency to blame everything on myself, whether it's my fault or not.

4) In conversation I will far too often start sentences and not end them, e.g. "Is it because of ____ or...?" I am very aware of it and I sometimes try to finish the sentence but I almost never do and I reproach myself for it.

5) My nose doesn't grow straight out (to the imaginary line smack in the middle of my eyes) but to the left. I was blissfully unaware of this fact until I first looked at myself through my laptop's camera. I hate asymmetry.

6) I'm horrible to have proper conversations with. I say stupid things, I don't listen/forget what was just said, my mind goes blank, I bring up inappropriate subjects, I make bad associations and try too hard to be funny. And I start sentences without finishing them. I hate that. Hate. it.

7) I'm an obsessive overthinker of everything related to interpersonal relationships. You've probably picked up on that if you've read my previous posts.

8) I develop the stupidest superstitions and assign meaning to things I know have none. I remember (worse yet, I cherish) dates/events/words/random bits of trash and try to hold them accountable for making my life move forward in a pleasant direction.

 9) I take pride in being fairly smart but don't know or understand so very many things I should/am expected to.

10) I impulsively try to fix cock ups by acting first (often worsening the situation), and asking questions later.

11) I'm proud to the point where it's stupid.

12) I procrastinate so much and, though I make a point of keeping my word to others, fail to fulfil even the simplest promises I make myself (e.g. "I'll floss my teeth every day," "I'll use this moisturising lotion on my body every day," "I'll exercise regularly," "I won't eat the candy.")

I suppose at this point (or whenever I really am done writing this list, I've put of writing these lines at least three times and then hesitated, wondering whether or not 12 was a nice enough number to end this list with) I should try to balance things out a bit. Very cliché, I know. I've been known to host pity parties and I'll admit this is one of them, but I wouldn't be very happy with myself if I didn't at least attempt to write things I like about myself. Even if I know they won't be nearly as many as the things I hate about myself.

1) I'm quite proud of my liberal mindset. I'm proud about my stance in major issues like gay marriage, abortion, euthanasia, gun control, the legalisation of drugs and the like. I'm especially proud of being able to distinguish between what's allowed for everyone and what I will do with what's allowed (e.g. I believe in making abortion legal, I don't think I could forgive myself for getting one.) This includes my relative open mindedness when it comes to sex.

2) I like my green eyes, even if I wish they were somehow greener/a brighter shade of green. Even if I too often wonder if they're not actually hazel and then try to convince myself that they're really green, just so I can get away with having a rare eye colour.

3) I'm usually quite good at reading people.

4) I like being brutally honest when it's not also brutally inappropriate.

5) I'm proud of the fact that I believe in science and in reason and will, on principle alone, try to tame my emotions through the power of thinking.

6) I like the overall silhouette of my body. Yes, I'd like to lose weight and have thinner thighs and more toned muscles and not have wobbly bits, cellulite, stretch marks, spider veins or scars of any kind... but I look pretty decent in clothes. 

7) If I make promises to others, I will 9 times out of 10 keep my word. This includes being punctual. I reward myself for punctuality.

8) I'm quite useful and resourceful. I can cook, I can clean, I could do some building/home improvement (even if it gave me blisters), I can do my own make-up and nails, I can sow and knit a bit, I am/used to be half good at arts and crafts.

9) I'm a fast learner when it comes to learning languages.

I think I've surprised myself. Didn't think I'd make it past 6. Well, there you go. The more you know.

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