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Wednesday, 28 August 2013

The last drop (a.k.a. Why I've made up my mind to seek counselling)

Went to university and got back. Nothing unusual about that. I called aunt A when I didn't see her there, wondering if she'd maybe parked elsewhere. She was running late because so many people called her, she said. I knew this to be a blatant lie (it's not like she can't say "Sorry, I'm on my way out, I'll ring you back in a bit." I left it alone because aunt A is a selfish liar and she likes to think she's making herself look great when she lies and pretends he can't ever do wrong. 

Fast forward to a few minutes later when aunt A came to pick me up. I was waiting near the pet store. She honked (very unnecessary, she could have just driven a few more meters forward and turned around, she already knew where to find me). A woman there made a "No." motion with her hand and mouthed the word at her. Aunt A wanted to make a big deal out of it, what could she have possibly been doing wrong and what on Earth was the matter with that woman? I offered honking is not a very nice thing to do as it may upset the animals in the pet store, especially since a lot of them are kept quite close to the entrance. She was adamant this could not be the case and that woman must have thought aunt A was honking at her in which case she had lost her mind because aunt A just wanted to call me. There are doors between the car and the animals at any rate and they couldn't have heard here very well. Not to mention that cars honking obviously don't bother animals at all. I stopped talking after this. 

She asked how my day was and I gave her a short "good." She asked for elaboration, was it a good good day, was it a boring day, was it in any way an unusual (or maybe tragic? she fucking loves tragedy!) day? No, it was just a fucking regular "good" day until she made a part of it. When we got out of the car she said "You're welcome" in that "I'm being a horrible person, can you feel it?! Am I making you upset yet?!?!?!" tone. So I said "Thank you" and made my way to the restroom where it was all I could do to lock myself up and try not to cry, but I ended up crying anyway. I sat on the toilet even though I didn't have to go, I washed my face twice with the not-actually-cool water. I then proceeded to lock myself up in my room and be glad I had a little something to eat because I don't fucking want to leave. 

Remember that ice cream I didn't get? Well, I did get pamphlets, and one of them is for the counselling centre. While they were giving them away hoping to help the possibly misguided/confused LGBT youth and I picked it up because I picked other things up, it had fallen out of my bag earlier and the thought crossed my mind. When I was done having my crisis and I retreated to my room I made up my mind to look it up. It's very unfortunate, really, that they can't let you fill in the form and submit a request for an appointment online, but I reckon they might do it to make sure the people who make appointments actually are committed to the idea of seeking counsel. At any rate, I'll be there tomorrow when I'm done with classes. Here's hoping they're any good at all. And that I don't have to pay. 


Oh, and yesterday night? Aunt A wanted help with her computer because goodness knows what was wrong with it this time but she was certain a horrible virus was in it (that's the only thing ever wrong with computers for her) and it wasn't working as usual (it was very slow and showing some kind of Windows error that prevented the desktop from loading). I offered we could do a quick scan for viruses but it was likely it was just some kind of mismatch between her now ancient operating system and some update or other. The quick scan found nothing. Still seeking tragedy she told me when it was done finding nothing and I ran the full system scan and the disk defragmenter, telling her to leave the computer alone for several hours (possibly the whole night). Around midnight I was already cosy in bed, hugging the frozen water I leave in the freezer every night, surrounded by gel ice packs and having left a bowl full of ice in the room (so it would, if only for a few hours, keep the temperature sort of constant... instead of rising as much... or at least give me the hopes that it would). She knocked on my door and asked if I was asleep yet. I told her I was falling asleep already but it was reason enough for her to open the door and request I look at her computer again. It was done defragmenting and some files had not been moved and she doesn't respect that other people need their sleep and that I'm having miserable enough nights already as it is but HER WORRIES COME FUCKING FIRST. I explained it was fine, to just close the window and leave the antivirus running if it wasn't done yet. I told her to restart the computer after that and see if the problem was fixed. That if it wasn't she might need to reformat the computer and update the operating system. Then I tried to go to sleep (and, of course, it then took me at least 45min longer than it should have). 

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