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Sunday, 25 August 2013

Appalling trend

I was going over some old posts when I fell upon posts I almost could not remember writing. They're old posts pre-LesMisGuy kiss and in them I was willing to have any kind of contact with him at all, even if it stopped at a one night stand and it meant absolutely nothing. Well, I claimed I was willing, I realise that can't have been a 100% true statement given the way things turned out. What it boils down to, given I remember having similar thoughts about D, is that I was desperate enough to be willing to trade my body for the chance to create an illusion of happiness with them. It's a bit more than that, actually. I tried to convince myself that all I wanted was the closeness and the action, completely ignoring the fact that by the time I want to be intimate with someone I'm already head over heels for them. Up until we kissed, LesMisGuy had no obligation to me. When we kissed nothing changed, but I believed it had even though I'd stated the opposite before. It's fucked up, is what it is. This is why I could never come out of a friends with benefits situation unscathed. 

Want to know what's also fucked up? I should not feel embarrassed to have a reasonably well functioning circulatory system and feeling too hot. I should not feel embarrassed to be using the power of science to try to make my room less warm. And yet that's what aunt A does to me. Fuck this. I need a fucking air conditioner... FFFFFFFUUUUUUUUUUU

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