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Saturday, 27 July 2013

Silent vacations

So, we were on vacation. For a long weekend and a week, we were away from aunt A.

For a long weekend, we were with cousin S and his girlfriend. They kindly offered to buy gifts if there was anything we wanted to buy as a souvenir (an offer we ultimately didn't take them up on). For a week, we stayed at my parents' friends' house. Having seen them at most 5 times (that I remember) in a lifetime, they should have been almost strangers to us and yet they felt like family. They freely, willingly and even lovingly offered everything they had to give (which is, admittedly, not that much... they're doing well, but they're not quite as comfortable for these expenses to come easily to them). They worried about the room temperature, about the comfort of the beds we slept in, about our meals and the nutrition we'd get out of them, going as far as waking up earlier than usual to make sure we had a decent breakfast. Even through trouble, they worried we might get bored and made sure we had something to do every day for a week. Even on weekdays when they had to work, they kindly drove to pick us up and drop us off, and otherwise made sure we could move around. They even seemed to feel that they weren't doing enough for us when they were doing far more than anyone could have expected them to: they treated us like their own children and I felt at home. I dreaded the return and was sorry I couldn't get a full night's sleep on my last night there because it was just so nice being able to sleep in a cooler room. 

Bless them. They are wonderful, honest, hard-working people with kind hearts and unfortunate familiarity with hard times. I wish them all the best. However long I have to live, let him have five years of my life. I offer them freely, willingly and lovingly. To a man who's barely more than an acquaintance to me but was sweet and caring, braving emergency room pain to wonder if we were having a good time. 

It can't go without saying that I had a wonderful time for a long weekend and a week, and it was all thanks to my parents. They quite literally took money they needed and sent it our way to buy us some freedom. When I said I'd rather use the money on gifts for them they said the best gift was for us to have the time of our lives. You know, for my sister's arrival today they wanted to make sure she had a meal she'd longed for ready, and just because... they bought heart shaped balloons and left them in her room. When we got here there was nothing for lunch so we ate leftovers and there weren't even everyday groceries we might have wanted (like, say, milk and cereal). Bless them. Bless them. Bless them.

I've stated my problem here before, I believe: I'm hopeful to the point where it's deliberately stupid. That's why I always end up expecting decency and even kindness from aunt A and always end up disappointed. To think that after her being quite horrible I found bags of what I thought might be presents for us, and it turned out they were just things for someone else she'd dropped off in our room for my sister to carry. To think that after my parents and aunt MT got her nice things, bought deliberately for her, spending just a bit more than they should afford, she chose to give them "charity" instead of proper gifts. 

And let me explain myself. You know I'm particular with gifts. I believe a proper gift is something you thoughtfully buy for someone else, thinking almost exclusively of their happiness, of their needs and of what will suit them, later accommodating your budget to whatever you can think of. Shit you bought for yourself and ended up not liking/not using is not a gift, no matter how "fancy" you think it is. Giving away leftovers, especially when it's oh-so-evident, is in very bad taste. Especially if you can actually afford better but choose to use your money on more things for you so you'll have more leftovers to give away. It's the very antithesis of a gift: petty selfishness.

So... aunt A did manage to surprise us, insisting on taking us shopping(two things, about the same prices, for each... all because there were big discounts), buying us lunch and then ice cream. She even pointed out "Oh, we didn't do _____ like we said we would..." Can't help but feel it's the "too little, too late" of being a hostess to your nieces. 

My sister left today. It all was fine until my parents called and asked why my sister looked so glum. She started crying and ever since I've had trouble keeping myself from crying for an hour put together. I sort of managed to contain myself until she entered the gate but as soon as she was out of sight I just broke down. It was far from glamorous, as my attempts to breathe the tears and snot in resulted in loud, uncontrollable snorbs (snorted sobs, for you) and I would have much rather not have made a spectacle of myself in front of aunt A and cousin S but it could not be helped. I've been in this state where just about anything will make me cry, be it something beautiful, an old memory, a thought of Bta, or even just street dancers trying to make a living. My sister's departure was the tipping point. Aunt A tried to be nice, patted my back, offered we go out for lunch and asked if there was anything I needed to buy (no, I don't ever need anything that I have absolutely no money for, and she's often enough left me to pay). I just wanted to be left alone to cry in quiet and lonely discomfort.  

I started missing my sister the moment she was out of sight because now I'll be alone. I won't have someone to naïvely/brilliantly navigate aunt A's shameless lies. I won't have someone to talk to who will understand what I'm talking about. I won't have someone who shares my likes and interests to do things with and make remarks to. I have lost the last bit of feeling around family I'll have until I go back.

It's fortunate, then, that I'm going back. It's not too certain how, exactly, but I'm going back for Christmas and that's final. I have an angel (mum said it, I agree) to thank for that. It is to remain anonymous until further notice and so I won't go into the details. 

On the ways of a social life (or whatever you'd call mine) I don't exactly long to talk to A, I haven't gotten around to talking to CtThumbe, CtW or AOB and I haven't (for over a month now) heard back from SmTn. It's so much so I'm a little afraid to write any more and I worry that sending him his early birthday present (even though it was just chocolate) was somehow wrong.

So there... that's why I'd been silent.

PS: I should know better than to brave what I can safely say I'm quite positive is depression without any kind of help. I know that much.

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