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Monday, 10 June 2013

Oh, right... turns out there's a word for it

You know how I've mentioned earlier that if there's one thing that can make me break down it's when people actively show they don't care about me? Could be the guys who hit me on the head with a metal pole, could be the old woman who spoke of not giving me ice cream, could be EBF disappearing during a party I had no business in. Well, it turns out there's a word for it. The thing that angers me to the point of tears is selfishness. 

(This is where the post turns predictable)

Selfishness like aunt A's. And I dare you to prove me wrong, that's what it is. Why else should it be that, though she was out all morning and both my sister and I felt too warm and decided to turn down the temperature just the tiniest possible bit, it was still turned up remotely to its usual temperature? Energy saving my ass and don't you even start telling me she felt cold from a distance. Nonsense. NONSENSE! Uncle A kindly asked me to leave the temperature settings alone already, for aunt A's sake. Not because it's expensive, not because she feels cold (I was not even allowed to turn the temperature down at night, when they're both in their room away from all air conditioning, to sleep). This has nothing to do with her comfort. She breaks into a fury at the thought of me being marginally more comfortable, even when it has absolutely no effect on her! She bought a small fan thinking it would make things better. I've said it before and will say it again: she does not understand science. There's a big ceiling fan and it doesn't make it any cooler in the room because it can only move around the air which won't get any cooler unless the air conditioning makes it so. All it makes is noise and wind that moves in a different direction. I've left it on as "proof of gratitude" and I've given up on sleeping comfortably out of respect for uncle A and his attempt at an apologetic face that said "humour her, you and I both know she's out of her mind."

She's been furious with me all fucking day. I've only talked to her for strictly the necessary, avoiding all contact with her because it makes me fume and I've held back tears all bloody day which is hard enough having to get back to my sister every few minutes or so. My sister wanted to bake cupcakes, that she did. Would've gone wrong either way, but I talked her out of it. Had we made the cupcakes we wanted to (not apt for diabetics), aunt A would have had even more reasons to hate me with a fury. I would not have allowed for the nicety of baking sucrose-free cupcakes for her, and had I allowed it I'm sure there would have been some way for the gesture to go wrong. Fuck that. 

Nevertheless, we did cook today. We made something for lunch (enough for all four of us). Both uncle A and aunt A tried it. Uncle A said it was good, aunt A said nothing (I'm sure she didn't like it, goodness knows she's picky and uncle A was into it for healthy eating reasons mostly). Tonight aunt A came into my room offering baked potatoes, of the kind that come frozen. My sister and I went to the kitchen and helped ourselves to some without sitting down. Uncle A asked about what we'd cooked for lunch and asked if there was anything left over, I said there was and served some for him. Not much longer aunt A made an attempt at starting a scene with a venomous "You didn't offer me any, you know." I offered and she said she didn't want any. Didn't think so. I made to leave shortly after that and my sister didn't think to try to make anything better, she just followed me.

If she wants to play the bloody victim then fine, I'm sure that in her mind I'm an evil spoiled brat, doing everything I can to take advantage of her and aggravate her... by staying the fuck out of her way, refusing to ask anything of her and wanting to be comfortable at least when it has no consequence on her. I will admit to being proud and stubborn, dry and deliberately impassible but no one can take away my good reasons to think she's a selfish old hag and I don't care if it's mental illness and I should know better than to complain. She should know better than to question doctors' expertise and to avoid a proper diagnosis and treatment.

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