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Wednesday, 22 May 2013

Vanity

I suddenly just remembered a detail of a dream I meant to write down this morning but didn't. I had a dream about D, sort. I just know that. It was either him or someone a lot like him. I don't know what about him (well, I know what not about him... or maybe I don't, I wanted to say nothing happened between us, and that I even had a vague sense of "he wants me and I couldn't care less" but it's true I may be making that up). I do know what may have caused the dream, chancing upon a show with a character who reminds me of him.



An idea is bothering me. Have you ever heard of the expression "love like an ugly woman (loves)"? There's such a thing as the cliché that ugly women have nothing to hold their partners. They love strongly, unconditionally, forgivingly, passionately and gratefully because they "know" they've learned to settle, as far as finding love goes, and have to try and make up for it. They can't afford to expect better, they can't afford to wait in solitude, they can't afford to be too demanding if they want to be in a relationship. This "love in overdrive" is a bit much and downright scary to... well, anyone other than whoever loves her back and doesn't mind? Which is a depressingly small group to choose from? Yes, sounds about right. Here's news (not really): I love like an ugly woman and it's not just the low self-esteem talking it's totally the low self-esteem talking. I reek of desperation, I get over-attached, I get ideas into my head, I am obsessive (still wondering if this is why I never heard back from LesMisGuy... worse still, wondering if this is why I won't hear back from SmTn....) *sigh* These stories aren't told often enough, sorry I can't go on writing. It just occurred to me I can relate and needed to put it to words.

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