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Tuesday, 14 May 2013

"Little news" is actually long for "I'm trapped."

Couldn't resist. I sent SmTn an e-mail. Part of me said "Wait. He'll write soon enough." and the rest of me said "I just want someone to talk to."

My final grades are finally up. I had a dream about this last night. Seems pointless to mention it after the fact but the only thing my dream got wrong was the lower grade (statics). I scored top grades in three courses and second (or third, apparently depending on the professor and how arbitrary this silly system is) best possible grade in statics. It's what I was told I'd need to be admitted. It should make me happy. I happen to know my grades were not nearly that good and that I didn't deserve these final grades. I hate to see my mediocrity rewarded, even if it's a convenient reward. I hate to see value placed on grades that are ultimately meaningless. So yay me. I was on the phone with my parents when I thought of looking and found the grades were up. They made a huge deal out of it. They're stupid grades, damn it! They wanted me to tell uncle A and aunt A as soon as possible. What bothers me the most about all this is that they (worst of all, "rightly") think I owe it to aunt A and uncle A. And you know what? I may be a stubborn, proud mule to say so but I don't like to owe anyone anything. Two years (actually three) didn't sound like too long. But it's summer school, and Cinderella, and silence, and ambushes, and madness, and social obligations and this blasted debt. Pull through. If I go through with it my sister won't have to. If I save, she won't need as many favours. 

Doesn't end there. My application process is finally over, because I sent a copy of my grades to the not-so-nice academic advisor who wrote back saying he was pleased to inform me I've been accepted and will I please look for information telling me what to do next but ask him if I have any questions. No official e-mail from the university telling me what the next steps are. I won't even expect a letter in the mail. While I was at it I sent Pf2 another e-mail. You know, because he hadn't answered the last two. I told him my grades were ready and we'd talked of plans for the summer which hadn't taken form yet but needed to because: timelines. He wrote back promptly and told me to call him as soon as possible, so I did. Turns out I'd need to register at least one credit hour. Turns out there are documents to fill. Turns out the initial mistake has not yet completely been fixed. Turns out we're past the deadline and it's going to be even more expensive (at least this much could have been avoided if he'd bloody gotten in touch with me any earlier). Turns out, I looked. even the cheapest option is damned expensive. I have to go there tomorrow and try to sort as much of this out as possible. Also while trying to make arrangements to sell old books because I'll need the money.

It only occurred to me much later that I didn't even ask SmTn what's going on in his life. I tried to excuse myself saying "I won't pressure him for not writing in such a long time," "He's probably been busy," "No, it totally doesn't sound selfish and self-centred at all." Of course it does. In the end, it was a poor excuse for an e-mail and I could have done without sending it but in the spurt of the moment I hit send because I needed someone to talk to and it's gotten to the point where the only person left is him, poor soul. 

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