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Friday, 10 May 2013

I know where this one came from

I had a bit of a sex dream last night. Don't remember much about it but there was a Japanese-style (which in my dream I called Zen... and may make sense in a while) owned by an Irish mob lord. There was also a tour being given around a university campus where the tour guide (a young man about my age) had access to the bedrooms. In retrospect, that's kind of disturbing. If you're wondering about the sex, I'm afraid I can't tell you much because I don't remember much. Not so imaginatively, there was a (literal) wiener replacement and another replacement: Nick from New Girl was in my dream, most likely in the LesMisGuy's stead.

So, like I said, even if I can't remember many details I think it's a straightforward dream. 

It goes without saying at this point that I haven't heard from SmTn yet. I think it's now been two weeks since we last talked. You know, I was talking to my parents today and they asked about my summer school friends, if I've kept in touch with them and whether there would be another summer school. I mentioned there was one this year and even just saying it out loud made me a little sad. I know, I know. I can't go because of reasonable reasons (I was supposed to get a summer job, my sister was coming and I can't be that selfish, it's otherwise too expensive, I'm supposed to be there for Christmas, etc.), but not being able to go makes me sad. A good part of it, though even if I were offered the chance right now I think I'd be too late, has to do with the chance to see SmTn (more on that in a bit), but it would also be so refreshing to go back to the world of nerds and maths and physics. Even if it made me feel stupid I'd rather feel stupid than feel stuck in mediocrity. I think they could tell. They asked when the next school would be held (two years from now) and said I definitely should go to that one. I know it's wrong, but I wish they'd asked earlier. I wish I'd had the chance to go this year.

I have a hunch that I'll never get to see SmTn in person again. Sounds a bit ominous but you have to admit it's just not very likely. The hunch, however, is not about how unlikely it is. My hunch tells me it's actually not possible. I will never see him again. 

I have another hunch: if I ever see him again, face to face, we're certain to kiss. Before you come at me telling me how silly it is to have that second hunch, let me remind you I studied maths for five years and there are such things as trivial truths. "If my eyes were blue my little one would still be alive" is a perfectically true statement. "If I see SmTn again we'll kiss" is just as true.

But the dream was about LesMisGuy, and I reckon I haven't been thinking of him all that much lately. The most likely culprit is my spare time spent watching tv shows, one of them being New Girl. And the fact that in New Girl SPOILER ALERT Nick and Jess finally have sex. It struck a chord and not-so-hard-to-deduce thoughts that had been hiding in the back of my mind. Before you're stuck wondering why the whole SmTn topic is canned, let me tell you one thing: all of my fantasies regarding him live in a world of trivial truths. I know it's not going to happen, but I can tell pretty truths as long as the phrase "SmTn and I will be together" is false.

I owe you quite a few posts, blog. I'm afraid I can only write the stump of one. 

Let's go back to Tuesday, 2 May (it appears that's a "correct" date format... it just reads a bit odd... for my sake, let me re-write it as "Tuesday, 2nd of May"). On that day I had two final exams and a meeting with cousin S's friend. I had sort of studied for the first test but felt quite confident for it. I thought studying for the fourth partial exam of the other subject was enough studying for the final exam. You won't be surprised if I tell you I was wrong. The first test didn't go so badly (75%) but I actually had to guess some of the answers because I had absolutely no idea how to get them, part of which had to do with a possibly incomplete formula sheet brain. Then so be it, my average for that course turned out to be 86% (if I remember correctly). I don't know how I did on the second test, which I panic-studied a bit for when I remembered I could take a look at the old final exams and realised I couldn't answer the questions. The more pleasant part of my day was spent after meeting with cousin S's friend. We met and talked and I made a fool of myself, going back to my "try the most convoluted solution before sense and simplicity dawn on  you" method solving her problem. However, simplicity did dawn on me and that brief moment when I suddenly understood just how simple a problem it was was lovely. 

There's more to that day: both cousin S's friend and two classmates I'd never talked to before were nice to me. They were talkative, outgoing, interested in me and how I was doing (at least academically). I can't help but feel I had no right way to respond to their kindness and politeness. I fear whatever response I could give came out as being fake (and stupid). Why can't I be nice? Why can't I be normal around people who are nice to me? 

I'm sorry, that's hardly a post at all. I suppose I'll continue to owe you, blog. 

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