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Thursday, 4 April 2013

What will it be?

One of them big decisions again. This one I can see coming and I have time to mull over... well, sort of. I really should have an answer by tomorrow and I don't quite have all the information ready just yet. Not to mention, it just might be that I won't qualify for either option... 

I wish I could talk to SmTn. He'd have words of encouragement and the perspective I don't have any access to at the moment. I have input from both cousin S and BCN. Somewhat contradictory, in that they both hint at similar things for very different reasons.

I should probably explain myself. Cousin S was very nice and tried asking around for people he knew who might be able to offer me a job, which led to talks with Pf1 and Pf2. Pf1, though he makes me grimace sometimes (what with the pronounced v neck shirts, and spitting on a piece of tissue to clean a laptop's screen) looks like the nicer of the two. Pf2 is very to the point, fast-paced, and has a sumbitch air about him. Pf1 is waiting for funds but is actively thinking of several things I might be able to help him with. Pf2 has funds... which don't apply to me, but he can offer me a job which he said he though paid very handsomely (after looking around a bit... it probably only pays half as handsomely, if that). So,

  • point to Pf1 for being nice and easy-going, for going out of his way to inquire about my admission
  • point taken from Pf1 because it's not very certain he can give me a position 
  • point to Pf1 for having mildly interesting research topics that in my mind can be turned into a maths project
  • point to Pf2 for being high up in the hierarchy that a few e-mails from him can guarantee my admission into the programme 
  • point taken from Pf2 because I don't know if he's giving me the position but he lied about it 
  • point to Pf2 for having research topics that get funded
Cousin S told me to follow my heart (Pf1), but we ended up agreeing that working with Pf2 is just more convenient and I could volunteer for Pf1 if I had the time. BCN was to the point telling me I needed not bother with niceties, that I should go for the sure thing and it's just too damned bad it's boring.

To me, it feels like any choice I make could/will be the wrong one. It just might be that working with Pf2 will be a nightmare. Cousin S may say he's nice, but Pf2 called another professor nice whom I found to be far from amiable. It just might be that the pay is actually a lot less (less than half what he said). It could be the case that I blow off Pf2 to go for Pf1 and he won't have a position for me. It could be that I'll try to be of help to Pf1 and find there's absolutely nothing of interest for me there. It's not outside the realm of possibility that I will not be a good candidate for either if I don't get better grades in what is left of the semester and I have to admit I have been going to class only to stare blankly (if not to entertain myself with something completely unrelated to the class and utterly useless).

In any case, I am already playing a game of "who do you know up the ladder?" that I don't like one bit. Moreover, something tells me the true wrong decision was taken long ago and there's no way to back out of it.

Where are you, dear SmTn?

PS: I can't help but find it's a bit strange I should have had that dream about LC5 and BCN should come to visit. I had no way of knowing he'd be here until yesterday around 6pm. Isn't it odd?

PPS: I attended the practice session for tango on Tuesday. I made a fool of myself in front of the sweet physicist guy and spent most of the time (and I do mean 75% of it, at least) with K's fellow countryman. I made a fool of myself, period. I can't stand myself.

[9:18am edit, the next day]
Woke up early-ish to find cousin S helped me edit the e-mails I meant to send and I sent the one to Pf2. Then I wrote the dream post. Then I went to the bathroom. While I was in the bathroom I overheard aunt A talking shit about me about how she'd handle this whole Pf1-Pf2 thing and how I don't show interest and...AaAaAaarrRrrrgGggHHhhHH!!!! When I got out of the bathroom I noticed her in front of me and so I greeted her a good morning. She probably attempted to save face asking how everything was going with Pf1 and Pf2. I would blow a raspberry, a very loud one, if I knew how to with words alone.

[10:54am edit]
What do you know? I'm not done ranting yet! The old man spoke with aunt A a while ago (aunt A tells me). He told her about the prices we've been looking at for a part of my sister's stay here. Aunt A had to get mad about something, so she bloody got mad. Why haven't I told cousin S? She just spoke with him and he told her he'd talked to me about going on this trip with my sister, why am I leaving him out and trying to be independent and be a horrible person? I spoke with cousin S about going there, we didn't talk about how many days we'd go or what we'd do when we get there, so when I looked up the prices I relayed to the old man I did not assume we'd have transportation.  I would have to talk to cousin S, yes, to see if he and his girlfriend would be interested in the sort of thing I've looked into and if they'd be willing to drive us there. Oh, but more has to be wrong. It must be the case that we're being scammed and that I'm bloody stupid because aunt A can't believe the prices. I tell her it's a package and I explain how prices go down per day if you go for more than one day. She's still mad and tries to act offended and hurt and tells me "I'll see" so I tell her I'll talk to cousin S, which was in my plans all fucking along. Why must she be so bloody difficult? Why?

[11:15am edit]
Clearly not fucking done yet. She comes in again, asks me if I've planned correctly, have I taken into account how much it will cost to move around there? Oh, I didn't include other things? Don't we want to do other things? Why am I mad at her? She can tell because of the way I answer and look at her that I'm mad at her and it's all I can do not to blow up so I tell her she's here questioning everything about the things we've planned and I tell her these are just the prices I've found online through what I have to assume are respectable sources (official ones). She's now assuming I'm not going with cousin S and my sister and I will be alone and stranded and everything. is. a. deity. damned. tragedy. "Don't get mad at me, I'm just trying to make sure everything will come out all right" reads an awful lot like "You're doing it all wrong because you didn't ask me or cousin S to do it for you!" and fuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuck if it doesn't piss me off.  

[1:13pm edit]
Wait for it... I walk to the kitchen to fix myself some lunch and aunt A and uncle A are talking. Well, aunt A is talking, telling uncle A all about how stupid my plans are and she suddenly (and she'd like to think subtly) shuts up as I greet uncle A and go about my business cooking myself lunch. She changed the subject and after a while they both just stayed silent. I debated with myself on the faster way to finish cooking what I wanted and get the hell out all the while thinking "Now, aunt A. Now that I'm leaving you may resume talking behind my back like the class fucking act that you are."

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