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Monday, 15 April 2013

Not proud of myself

Not one bit. There's a number of reasons. The smaller ones begin with having spent almost three hours watching 3 idiots and not having studied today, even though I promised myself last night that I would. Instead, I watched yesterday's episode of The Mentalist because I'm hopeless. During class when I wasn't paying attention I looked up useless information rather than read something useful or even pay attention. It was so that I missed the jokes during class. Then there's the daydream I got myself caught up in during the bus trip. It started not-so-innocently with thoughts of being with SmTn and him moving here to be with me. It evolved into a crazy scenario where I stood up for someone being beat up and SmTn stood up for me when things got out of hand. I have absolutely no idea where that came from. It adds to another reason to not be proud of myself, though. 

I have to take two buses to get to university. As I walked from one to the bus stop of the other I noticed an old woman sitting on the far side of the bus stop. I make a point out of not paying too much attention to the people I see at the bus station, so I tried to make myself busy. Even though the old woman started moaning. I thought about asking her what was wrong but decided against it and it's not the thought that counts but the fact that I did fucking nothing. I told myself that if she was on the phone with someone it was probably just complaining about something tragic and not physical pain. By then two girls were sitting in the bus stop with me, one of them on the phone. When the old lady dropped her phone, this second girl ended the call and asked if there was anything she could do to help. She ended up calling an emergency service (all I could gather is that the old woman's hands/fingers were hurting a lot and she did not understand why, though I noticed a surgical mask on her... which admittedly needed not have anything to do with it). It was all I could do to ask this girl if she wanted the bus to wait for her when it arrived and to attempt to explain her situation to the bus driver (which made me feel very foolish). 

Went into class feeling bad about myself, left the class feeling bad about myself. Then, around 9pm, I got an e-mail from Pf1 and my heart sank. He'd like to hear from me because he hasn't seen me in weeks. He's absolutely right and I feel horrible. Worse still, I haven't written back. I was waiting to meet with Pf2 to make sure he's OK with me volunteering for Pf1 but that was put off all of last week and I still haven't met with him. In fact, I haven't sent him an e-mail asking when we should meet. It feels more and more like any choice is the wrong one.

As if it were a cure to anything, I keep hoping to find an e-mail from SmTn because he said he'd write and then I feel stupid for waiting for his e-mail. I think the only highlights of my day are the now nice temperature in the house which actually permits sleep and the fact that the nice woman with the lovely smile got on the bus today. 

I'm afraid a proper review of 3 idiots is still pending.

Random observation of the day: I felt observed, both by a cute guy in class I held the door for on my way out and another guy (who I incidentally held another door for later) who actually glanced my way again a couple of times making sure to walk close enough to me. Me no likey, though I appreciated a nice glimpse of the cute guy's blue eyes. He has such lovely eyes and such a sweet, timid Donnie Darko air about him...

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