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Monday, 11 March 2013

Thanks for the support, by the way

I bit the bullet and scheduled the test to try and be at least half of a person. It's scheduled for tomorrow at 11am. I've spent a good deal of today's afternoon studying test questions I found online. Not for the first time ever, aunt A chipped in with her experience taking the test, which quickly took a condescending note "They'll ask you things you don't know, you're going to fail it, hear me out." I eventually let out a "I'll look it up online," which was meant as a "I can study on my own, I don't need to hear about what they asked you goodness knows how long ago" but was said (promise) in a very calm way. Aunt A broke out asking why I had to answer angrily and I pointed out I hadn't, repeating what I'd just said. Her wanting to be offended angered me, her condescension was just annoying me. During lunch aunt A asked about plans for when my sister comes to visit and pressed for answers I offered the only thing that came to mind and regretted it immediately. You see, we've been considering a trip to another city... It would cost money (doesn't everything?) but it could potentially be awesome and almost film-fabulous. Want to know what aunt A said? "Going there is expensive, you know" and yes, I fucking know. I heard it as a "You're too poor to go" and... *curses*

On the subject of the test, I know I'm rusty but I'm not a complete idiot and it should really not be that bloody hard. I studied this afternoon and if K's right it should be moderately easy. But my parents, my sister and A are all about the "Are you even ready? Do you think you'll pass?" which is bloody annoying and a little insulting.

On the subject of K, I somewhat stupidly realised that yes, he's rather handsome. I somewhat stupidly hoped he would try to talk to me and talked myself out of starting a conversation because "I'll come across as being too needy," "he's not online right now" and "it's just too late." This whole situation confuses me. If he's after me and he texts me and seems too eager I'm stunned and uncomfortable because he likes me and he doesn't know me and I still think he only just wants to shag me (if he even wants to shag me anymore). Since I fucked up on Friday I'm inexplicably worried that he's just not interested in me and it must mean horrible things about me. To make matters worse, I'm already wondering if it would work out with him (answer: it's too soon to know, he'd have to prove less boring than he seems). Last night I caved and started a conversation with him. We talked for quite a while and he even said something along the lines of "we should meet for x some day," so I assumed it was "going well" (whatever that can mean" and then today he hasn't talked to me and I'm torn between wishing he'd write (knowing it really is too late already), hoping CtThumbe will have advice and trying to reason with myself. 

Wish me luck, blog, darling. I wish SmTn would write soon. I wish I got an answer from the admissions department already (really, either answer is kind of meh, except not going in is a different can of worms because it means I have to re-plan what to do). I wish K were interested and I were too. I wish I didn't have to take the bloody test.

Oh, lest I forget:

"I'm a woman. Not a (bloody) victim."

"Dead end. Isn't that redundant?"

Soundtrack since I sent SmTn an e-mail last Wednesday is "I can see clearly now," the Jimmy Cliff version.

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