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Saturday, 30 March 2013

Sorry, SmTn

No tango for me tonight. And it will be for a lack of trying. I didn't ask to go, I didn't ask for advice on how to get there, I didn't ask for rides (not to family, acquaintances or strangers). I thought I'd ask yesterday night and that my chance to ask was when I was alone with BCM but when I was we spoke of my job prospects and then we went to the cinema with aunt A and I didn't get to ask. Today I just didn't feel like asking. I don't feel like doing anything today. For a while there this afternoon I thought I'd go and use the dark red lipstick if only for a few moments before wiping it off, just because I somehow felt I "owed" it to SmTn, and I didn't feel like it. I saw K online but thought about it twice and didn't talk to him. I unenthusiastically spoke with my parents and A a while ago. Well, I mostly heard them talk. I haven't told them about my Friday meeting with a professor regarding job opportunities. If what he told me is true (his numbers, BCM pointed out, don't make a lot of sense) then I would be in a very decent economical position come the end of the next semester. It would not be so crazy to think of buying masses of Christmas presents and paying a chunk of my student loan debt after I buy a car. Regardless, telling people here about it put me off. It rubbed in the expectations for me to make money. 

Aunt A told me I need to practise so I can get my own car and started talking about how the others sorted themselves out. Pfffft. I need my own car, period. Uncle A gave me the book of what he's decided I have to learn yesterday and asked if I'd read it yet today at noon. No, I haven't. I'm not very excited about it either, you know. He got very pushy about what he believes I have to do, and how I have to get a PhD in what he wants me to. I think it's very unfair. I understand he wants me to get a good paying job and I heard him speak of how he doesn't like it when people try to be independent and don't take his help. It's not that his help is not welcome but independence is important (and not stupid, like he seems to believe). I am ever less excited by the thought of working on engineering and look forward to going back to a career in maths. I want a career, not a job. I will be very miserable indeed doing boring things only because they pay me for it. No one could pay me enough to be bored for a living. I'm too late finding out letting uncle A choose what I'd get my next degree in wasn't a stellar decision and if all goes "well" I'm still in it for another two years. I can't give up the next four for something I don't care for. I plain don't take well to being told what to do.

Tried talking to K because I was bored. Even though he'd been online on facebook for a while, he answered he was busy canoeing. It's now around midnight and during my failed attempts at watching The Sound of Music from the comfort of my bed aunt A came in asking for a particular nail polish, giving me a description that doesn't match any nail polish we have (metallic/shimmery orange = "goes well with brown"). It is apparently the only nail polish in the house (and there are quite a few) that goes well with brown in her opinion. If it's the one I think it is, no it doesn't and she would have had uncle A complaining about what an ugly colour it was. The fact is that cousin S's girlfriend is also into nail polishes and she came by a couple of weeks ago (or perhaps only just last weekend?) and borrowed a few. It's not like aunt A wouldn't have let her borrow some. It's not like we have so few that lending some to her would leave us too few to pick from. There are a good 15 or so non-scandalous shades left. None of which, claims aunt A, go well with brown and I must have imagined exactly what she wanted to wear this weekend down to the nail polish colour so I could lend that exact one to cousin S's girlfriend to aggravate her. It's the most reasonable explanation in aunt A's head though she doesn't say it out loud. Next thing you know she'll be telling me not to lend any nail polishes to cousin S's girlfriend. Just you wait.

All the more reason to never want to leave my room. I ate nothing except a bowl of cereal, lunch (two servings of salad and a small pizza) and some chocolate today. I'm not even hungry. I waited as long as I could before wandering out to get some water. I want to be alone and have time to do nothing and think nothing and read nothing. 

Friday afternoon I had "(All in the)Golden Afternoon" stuck in my head. Still do, sort of.

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