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Thursday, 28 March 2013

Something... nothing...

Very tired. Not exactly news.

Hope I did decent in yesterday's test but I can't be sure of anything at this point. I've been meaning to speak with the circuits professor. If not to attempt to somehow get a better grade in Tuesday's test to at least apologise for my piss poor performance in what has to be the easiest test yet.

Spoke with SmTn yesterday. It was nice, like it always is. He told me of his travels (past and future). He asked about the tango lessons and I told him there's an event I'd love to go to on Saturday but I haven't quite wrapped my head around the logistics of going to a place about an hour away by car at night. I pointed out it would be a fun event to dress up for and have fun in. He playfully suggested I could wear the dark red lipstick. I added "and black heels" but then tried to deflect and de-sexy it by saying I'd show him pictures of the bruises I was sure to get (from falling from trying to dance in heels, that is). He mentioned that in his mind I'm the perfect tango dancer and that passionate things cause bruises. It was very hard not to see a naughty subtext there. Je suis la maîtresse... and it will be the death of me.

I woke up to "Something Good" from The Sound of Music playing in the back of my head this morning. At first it was just snippets "I must have done some-thing goooood" which felt a bit contradictory, given everything I do has a horrible wrong aftertaste to it. I looked up the whole lyrics this time and I was reminded of the fact that for a while there, Maria is "the other woman." Then it felt, for a bit, like my life and my mind orchestrate such things on purpose.

I'm torn. SmTn is, to date, the only man who can tell me (though certainly not in so many words) I'm attractive (in what, to me, are all the right ways) and there are two problems with this: 

1) I believe him, and
2) It's all so wrong.

Even when I know I look horrible and would otherwise feel awful, he makes me smile, he has nice meaningful conversations with me and he makes me feel good about myself... all while living a life I could never be a part of and in turn making me feel remorseful. 

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