## Tuesday, 26 March 2013

### Meltdown

Before I forget, let me write down a dream I had last night. I was a little girl, maybe around 9 years old, in an old timey rural house. My mother was deadly ill and lay in bed, pregnant, while a figure of Virgin Mary, baby Jesus in her arms, and a nun looked after her. In my dream, my father was a bad man and the nun didn't like him. It was so that I went to visit my mum and spoke with the nun who said she'd solved everything for me. I remember pointing out she was agonizing (as in: she's about to die) and this being clear from the look of desperation in Virgin Mary's face, her face all red and ready to cry. The nun turned my mum to show me what was under her sheets and I noticed blood. Pools of it. She'd killed my mum, thinking she was killing something evil in her or perhaps related to her, or perhaps my father, and realised her mistake only too late. She'd killed the wrong person.

Didn't get a very restful night. Kept waking up wondering what time it was, finding the temperature in my room uncomfortable, trying to remember things I wanted to go over one last time before this morning's exam (which I'm quite sure I failed miserably).

I don't think there's much room for doubt in stating I failed the exam. I just blew it. There were at least three exceedingly easy questions, 60 exceedingly easy points, and I'm sure even those I got wrong. The three questions were:

1) Adding capacitors and inductors in series and in parallel. I switched up the rules to add them. I fucking knew them. I just didn't think to write them down. And I fucking mixed the two up, adding inductors like resistances and... wait, I just may have gotten that one right... 20 points (hopefully).

2) Adding and dividing complex numbers. Really. As simple as that and I fucked it up. Bloody phasor notation. Whatever's wrong with Euler's notation for complex numbers? Isn't it already very convenient? I got lost converting one form to the other and getting it all mixed up with what vague recollections I had of what I read last night.

3) Solving a differential equation. A very easy differential equation. One of a set of equations I could easily solve for another class, only a few weeks ago. I completely forgot how it was done. I can't believe myself...

I hate the fact that engineering is obliterating my knowledge of mathematics. I hate it. I didn't know that much to begin with! I feel I'm growing stupider by the day! I'm far from motivated and I'm far from happy with what I'm learning. I do declare I never quite felt that way studying chemistry or biology. It's the bloody engineering classes.

[6:44pm edit]
It only just hit me as I was on the bus: I had a dream about my little one last night. It was just so nice seeing her, holding her... I was in a small room where I had been given everything I'd need to give her a bath, including a rubber contraption that swelled up to hold water and soap but had brush bristles too. She was so obedient holding still while I bathed her... Oh, it was just so nice seeing her. Something's bothering me, though. The first time I saw her it was her and the next time she looked like little too, except I knew it was my little one.