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Sunday, 17 March 2013

Epic procrastination

You know you've been procrastinating too much when you put off writing a blog post (or a couple) to waste time you're still not using to study because it can be done "later" and "later" (which would be right about now, since I have an exam tomorrow) you put off studying to write a blog post.


There's a few things I meant to write and not write about.

I won't be writing of LesMisGuy much anymore... I think. I just don't think of him all that much. It's a good thing. I think I'm finally getting over him.

The man in my thoughts today was SmTn, who I still haven't heard from. I knew he'd be away on vacation (for a week, was it?) and busy working on his thesis defence but I'm officially starting to miss him and thinking a bit too much about him. How do I know it's too much? Because I still don't have an answer to my college application for graduate studies as an engineer and if I get a no for an answer, I could go to summer school and see him and everything would be all right. A part of me actually wants this to happen. That should give you an idea of how much.

Of course. I stopped writing a post to play.

Want to know what's bothering me? (More so than having tests I haven't studied one bit for?) K. The whole thing. That he seemed to be so interested for all of two, maybe three days. That he seems to have lost interest since. That his interest seems to be focused on shagging a girl (or many girls). That the idea of being with him for only sex was growing on me and I am attached enough that I'm upset he doesn't try to contact me anymore. I'm upset that I'm a bit of an attention whore and want him to like me, even if it only means he wants to have sex with me and I (the hopeless romantic, remember?) am willing to commit to the idea of him liking me, even if it means having meaningless sex. What have I come to?

I suppose the rest is the old aunt A-related ranting and I'll spare you this time.

[11:21pm edit]
No, it isn't. There's more to my epic inability to be productive or in the least useful. I'm waiting for something to happen. I'm waiting for SmTn to write, I'm waiting for AOB to send a line or two about his thoughts on Happy Go Lucky, I'm waiting to hear from CtThumbe and the latest guy she went out with or whatever advice she can offer me to deal with K. I'm waiting to find good, exciting news (so far the best I've found comes in the form of fiscal rights for gay couples back home, which I'll call a win even though it broke my heart a little that SweetGuy posted something and an idiot chose to misunderstand it). I'm waiting in case EBF decides to talk to me (he won't). I'm waiting to be admitted (or not) into a graduate programme. I'm waiting to get a job. I'm waiting for life to move in any direction before I go with it, or against it, or anywhere at all. I am just waiting.

[1:25am edit]
What a horrible state of mind and body! I wanted to go to sleep and wake up early to study, so I shut everything down and lay down on the bed but I couldn't sleep. I tried leaving some videos on (first educational, then just regular make-up videos) and those didn't work either. I was too warm, so I changed the fan settings. I am still too warm. I took some loratadine but that didn't make me sleepy either, it just got rid of the somewhat congested nostril that was also keeping me up. I got up and opted for studying, but I can't do that for a very long period of time. I've already turned to facebook (where I found K had been active, but I resisted the impulse to go online... what the fuck would that be for?) and YouTube. I am now writing this instead of studying! And it's already so early/late! We have an appointment in the gym tomorrow, I have to go to class. Goodness knows  (I don't dare look) if I have another test on Tuesday that I won't have time to study for because I'll be too busy sleeping off whatever piles up by the end of the day! Worse still, I keep thinking of things to do other than study or sleep, like pluck the wild hairs on my legs driving me crazy because the wax won't get them. 

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