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Wednesday, 13 March 2013

But, why?

Something's bothering me. Well, several things actually.

I suppose it starts and ends with K, or lack thereof. I haven't heard from him since... Monday? Or should it be Sunday? I can't quite convince myself to talk to him and he's not talking to me either. What's more, just like the day when I just knew he'd text me and he did, I now know he won't talk to me first. 

My first attempts at "filling the void" rather than studying included talking to AOB and telling him about Moonrise Kingdom and The Perks of Being a Wallflower and how I found them to be good films but could not quite relate to them. He offered I should watch Silver Linings and I came out of it thinking "Jennifer Lawrence is really hot" and little else (namely: "I can't believe we're romanticising mental illness and glorifying such abnormal social behaviour.") This all brings me back to the fact that, to an extent, I am "that hot quirky girl" lead men fall for except I'm just the shaggable girl creeps and a few other men hit on and then abandon. So I'm nothing like Zooey Deschanel or Jennifer Lawrence. I am me, wondering why K doesn't try to talk to me and, more importantly, worried that I care.

Because it's starting to feel a bit like how it was with LesMisGuy and how I might be not so unlike that hot girl from school2 that men would hit on and then realise she was so impossibly thick and self-absorbed they'd give up. I understand not a single one got to sleep with her. Am I her? Am I such a horrible person? It seems to be the case that once they get to know me they're just not that into me. K is just the latest trigger for this line of thought. I worry about the same thing with SmTn who hasn't answered the e-mail I sent him last Wednesday. It could be that he hasn't found internet access in his trip, it could be that he's very busy working on his thesis defence. It could be that he wants nothing to do with me, a fear that is always lurking in the back of my head. 

K hasn't contacted me. SmTn hasn't written back. LesMisGuy wants nothing to do with me. 

It's all rather upsetting. I'm sorry. I'm pretty sure that put together with my post about ridicule in embarrassment it's clear I can't practice what I preach but you can at least know I'm honest when I say I'm very insecure and have self-esteem issues.

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