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Wednesday, 20 February 2013

State of mind: _____

I can only describe my state of mind today as detached numbness with an inclination to procrastination (read: of the kind that makes me completely bloody useless). I got on the bus and my mind wandered. I gave up, for the most part, on thoughts of LesMisGuy and even SmTn (to the point where I don't even wonder very often if he will have answered my latest e-mail). As long as it's only fantasies that I think of, I made up my mind to bring Darren Criss to mind. I can imagine talking to him, singing with him, kissing him and know that it is nothing more than fantasy (meaning I have nothing to be upset about if it doesn't turn out, and I have no real invested interest in any of it). 

Today, I did not think of Darren Criss. The very idea of being close to another human being was alien to me. I thought back on yesterday, when a girl from that group of friends in my class sat next to me and made a remark about how the row we were in was so far from the others. I did not hear her very clearly at first and then could not think of anything to say beyond "I don't know," so she changed seats and I felt bad. There she was, and it's not the first time she (or anyone in that class) tries talking to me and being nice to me but I just can't seem to respond like a normal person. 

I forgot my glasses this morning. Though I could have taken that as an opportunity to sit up front in classrooms and take notes eagerly, I settled for sitting in the back and wasting time online. For a while there I obsessed about that "perfect nude lipstick" and contemplated buying it (for twice what it should cost). I stopped myself because I could not find a coupon code to justify the purchase to myself. I still wasted a great portion of today's afternoon browsing through make-up and watching make-up tutorials. I did not sleep. I did not study (even though I have a test tomorrow morning). I did not do homework nor start reading to prepare to do homework (even though I have two homework assignments due in on Thursday and a third due in on Friday). I've just laid in bed, blankly staring at the computer screen, seeking to keep my mind blank and free of thoughts.

A thought has been bothering me. As my luck would have it, it seems certain that something horrible has happened to me. I would not call it my excuse for everything that screams I have issues! in me, but I daresay it might explain a lot of things. True certainty will cost me more than I can afford, so... I get nothing more than worry out of it. And worry, as it turns out, turns into an excuse not to interact with anyone.

I did not even write about yesterday's episode with aunt A where she wanted to buy roasted chicken but not a whole one, and when I had the man behind the counter to cut us one in half she decided she did not like it. Why? Because it was not laid out neatly in a bag with the rest of the chicken but on display next to them. She decided it must have been stale chicken and that we would be poisoned. I have to admit I exploded and told her "fine, then we're going to be poisoned!" and that it was uncalled for. I suppose a lot of aunt A's negativity just piled up and I couldn't take it anymore. Why must she always see the worst of everything? We go to a restaurant, I remark on how they have an open kitchen and she goes on to say it's fortunate the waiters can't spit in our food or drinks because goodness knows if they might not give you AIDS. I point out it's very highly unlikely anyone would get AIDS through spit but she tells the story of how many years ago she worked with a lady who was HIV positive and everyone was afraid and they called a meeting where the lady talked about HIV and how it was spread. According to aunt A's story, the woman said it can be transmitted through spit and no reasoning or newer information can convince her otherwise. In an it-shouldn't-surprise-me twist, she turned a talk about AIDS into one about transgender and gay people, which inevitably turned to the subject of how they are bullied into suicide and must therefore be quite miserable people. And that was just the conversation leading up to lunch on Sunday afternoon... 

Surprisingly, aunt A seems more agreeable since yesterday's incident (or she's avoiding me, which also makes it easier to avoid conflict). I don't know what to make of it. All I know is that it tires me.

I know I should study. I know I'm late to study. I tell myself I know enough to get by and can do decently on the statics test. I tell myself I will have time to finish the homework assignments. I know better. I have not practiced torque problems or spring problems. I will be out late tomorrow and there is a very high chance of MATLAB or LaTeX acting up on me. I still have to catch up with my notes to do homework. I can't. My state of mind (or lack thereof) does not allow it

I can't  begin a sentence with "I am" because at this moment in time "to be" is too strong a verb to describe me right now. I hardly am, so forget about me being anything. 

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