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Friday, 1 February 2013

Neurosis

That was an eye and mind opener... 

It's been a while since I last wrote. It feels like it's been too long but I've been in no mood to write and, even when I decided today that it would be a good day to write, it took me a while to actually bring myself to do it. 

Before I forget, let me point out a few tidbits of random information. I'm now no longer sure if it was on Wednesday or Tuesday that I had "Teenage Dirtbag" stuck in my head as I waited for aunt A to pick me up. 




Could have been Tuesday if it's the day I ended up going for a walk. Could have been Wednesday because it was also sunny but it somehow feels a bit unlikely... regardless, it doesn't matter an awful lot when, I suppose, and I'm being a bit silly. However... while I'm being silly with moments of spontaneous remembrance and rogue thoughts that came to mind uncalled for, I had two "moments" yesterday night around 8:30 and 9:00pm. The first was the sudden flash of a memory of a restaurant in Bta where the food is mono-thematic and surprisingly good for a reasonable price, but the service is terrible. The other moment involved the smell of freshly barbecued corn. Much like I was once told dreams are formed in your head, I put the two together and linked a story of how LesMisGuy was out on a date with some young woman. It occurred to me today that this date I imagined led to him deciding today that they're a couple. This stupid idea has been making me miserable because I invariably go over what he must have thought to not want anything to do with me ever again. I wonder if there's something I could have done differently. It's a special kind of hell, as you can probably imagine. I don't have anything to go on, but I'm already jealous of a nonexistent stranger!

The larger issue at hand is that I can't stop thinking about LesMisGuy. I won't give myself a break. If it's not him, it's SmTn, and I worry because it's been a while since I last heard from him and I don't think his late Christmas present reached him... I sometimes still get mad at EBF and wonder if he'll say anything for my birthday, afraid that he will because I have the nagging feeling that any outcome will make me miserable. 

Sorry, I'm trailing off. The true issue at hand, as Wikipedia has kindly explained to me, is neurosis. I thought the proper name for the tendency to get obsessed with things was a mania, but it seems to be more accurately termed fixation and be more closely related to neurosis. Ideas get into my head and will not let go. I won't let them go either. 

Remember how I watch New Girl because Nick reminds me of LesMisGuy and for almost no other reason whatsoever? Well, SPOILER ALERT! Nick kissed Jess this week and I had a bit of a breakdown wondering if LesMisGuy could ever kiss me like that and... *sigh* To think I somehow managed not to point out that I would have wanted to tell LesMisGuy about my rebellion. Not that I ever think of talking to him, but it occurred to me that if there were such things as "things I'd like to tell him" one such thing would be just that. 

I am ill. It's the sanest thing I can do now to stop writing and think of closing that tab where I was watching New Girl before I indulge in watching that kiss again. 

Random thoughts of the day: "Who needs television when you can ride the bus and look out the window?" Also, remind me to write about the goodness in people. I helped a stranger out with a cart that needed to be put up and lending her a pen and I smiled thinking "there are far more good people in this world than anyone ever gives credit to."

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