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Sunday, 24 February 2013

How silly would it be?

Well, I know it's silly. But how foolish would it be? Very foolish indeed... And how stupid would it be? Incredibly so.... Have I wondered how moronic it would be? Well, not nearly enough because I'm giving it serious thought.

Some time ago SmTn asked if I'd be going back home for summer. I mentioned my sister's coming here (instead of me there) in summer and that I'd rather be home for Christmas and New Year's. Fast forward to yesterday, when I got to talk to him for the first time in a rather long time and he mentions there's another summer school being held this year. He mentioned this year's lecturer's looked at least as good as last time's. He said he was invited and he was thinking about going. He asked if I'd consider going. And, he didn't say it that way but here's how I interpreted his question: "If you go, I'll go. Will you go?"

I already knew there was another summer school this year, it's not that I didn't know. It's not even that I hadn't considered it. But I told the old man I'd like to go home for Christmas so my sister could get a (well-deserved) vacation this summer. Unless I got an very handsomely well paid job now, there's no way I could afford to go this summer (and it would feel wrong to cut my sister's trip short or post-pone it so I could go to summer school). There's also the prospect of a summer job here, which would  be a great chance to make some decent money. And yet... well, if I go home in December the longest I can stay is three weeks. If that. Blame whatever culture makes summer vacations such a huge deal and detests the thought of longer December vacations. According to that it would almost make sense to switch my trip over to summer... except for the fact that my parents wouldn't appreciate me spending two weeks away from them if I make the trip.

It should be a no-brainer. If not for the reasons above, because of the way I read his question. If my interpretation is correct it forebodes... well... it would mean he's... there would be a very high probability of our interactions no longer being limited to just talking, which is to say we would be really pushing the "just friends" boundary. If I'm wrong, then I'm still thinking all of these thoughts and getting silly ideas in my head that should have been rationally banished long ago! What would I be up to, going through all that trouble to see him? I actually had a fantasy/dream last night where we kissed. As in snogged. And I don't think I'd ever really delved into such thoughts and committed to them since I ruled the whole thing out as a sort of infatuation.

I really wish I had someone to talk this through.

No, wait. The one truly important question, the one I'll have to remind myself of if I am ever to be at peace with my decision, is "How selfish would it be?" because the answer is "More than I can forgive myself to be."

Unrelated, bless CtThumbe and may she forgive my social awkwardness. 


Finally, the song I woke up to is "Libertango" sung by the Swingle Singers.



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