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Monday, 28 January 2013

Silly me

I can't fucking afford to forget exam dates or, as was the case today, to not fucking look them up in the first place. I had the good sense, when our professor sent us an e-mail with "shit to look at to study" to tell myself to study... I then completely failed to do so. Obviously. Otherwise I couldn't be here writing about how I thought I'd be right on time for our somewhat tardy but lovely and quirky professor only to walk into an exam. I wondered if I hadn't perhaps walked into the wrong classroom until I recognised some of my classmates and realised how screwed I was. I did not study one. bit. That's how bad it probably is. Unlike high school chemistry, circuits are not that easy. While I could answer a few questions trying to make sense of what precious little I remembered of the lectures, others I had to guess and others I had no idea how to guess. 

The song in my head (and I won't look up the proper name just now, or ever) goes "I'm getting married in the morning... Ding-dong, the bells are gonna chime!" from My Fair Lady.

[7:57pm edit]
When we arrived, after stopping for gas, I noticed aunt A had left the elevator music telly on and exactly "Wouldn't it be loverly" was playing. Curious, isn't it?

Now, what I wanted to write about, that deserved coming back to this post exactly (and curiously enough not another post... which may or may not make me and you think twice about the title I chose for this one) is something else entirely.

It will come as no surprise to anyone reading this that I've been thinking of LesMisGuy a lot recently. Oddly enough, the name I whisper out and call in my head is SmTn's. Let me elaborate. I started out this fantasy where I go back to Bta and I go out one night with EBF and AOB only to run into LesMisGuy. Whatever turn of events leads to us being alone, talking, is irrelevant. What's important to me is that we meet and we talk, about feelings and namely how he hurt mine I hurt mine mine got hurt. In my fantasy he would, of course, want to get together. He would at least try to hold my hands and kiss me. I ended up stuck thinking of what exactly made me hold him back when his hand made its way up my thigh. It was instinct, and if I had to reason with it now I'll go back to what I've said before: there was no contract to guarantee that he had any feelings for me and that the kiss, or any other intimate event that ensued from kissing, meant anything to him. I suppose I expected him to say something, or I didn't expect anything beyond kissing until a later date. 

The fantasy of meeting LesMisGuy evolved. Call me weird, because I don't suppose anyone else creates such horrid fantasies: I came up with a crazy plot where, for reality television (who else would want this?), I'm set up to appear in a place where D, LesMisGuy and SmTn are. I'm inevitably drawn to SmTn, worried about what they told him to make him come and glad that there's a friendly face to be seen in that awkward reunion. To be honest, I don't know how I'd react if I were ever to see D or LesMisGuy again. I can anticipate my heart would race and a thousand and one thoughts would fly through my mind. I would inevitably blush and become flustered. I might even feel weak at the knees. I can't guarantee any of that won't happen with SmTn, but the reaction seeing LesMisGuy or D would not be over at that. I'd very quickly start feeling very, exceedingly stupid and I'd want to disappear. In spite of all that, the thought of SmTn makes me smile.

That silly reunion I just made up is not so far-fetched when you consider that's exactly what's going on in my mind. That probably explains why I call out SmTn's name even when I'm thinking of LesMisGuy. SmTn is my friendly face.

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