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Saturday, 12 January 2013

Silence

Silence has taken over. It should be evident from the fact that I haven't taken the time to write a  proper post. Not even to mention a dream I had of LC4 having a baby little sister, about 2 years old. I had other dreams I meant to write about and never got around to.

I can't say it's that I didn't have the time. It's not even that I was away from the computer or that I didn't think to write anything down. It's just that I opened a blank page and didn't write anything down. I have yet to speak of my first days in a new university, of the people I haven't really looked at, of the instructor (I won't dignify his methods with another title) I don't like. I haven't said a word about how refreshing it is to be alone, left to my own devices as I gaze out a bus window for the first time in months without having to talk to anyone. I'm alone with my thoughts and sometimes even alone without them. I crave the solitude and spend ever more time in my room, to aunt A's (and apparently uncle A's) annoyance. I've thought of how I should go grocery shopping and think of a nice meal to cook as my way of saying "thank you for paying for my tuition" but I haven't come around to it. Aunt A hasn't offered to go grocery shopping with me and if it weren't for cousin I who got me cereal and nuts I would've gone quite hungry over the last few days. Even so... the lack of a homely meal is taking it's toll on me.

I don't have lunch to bring with me to university except for what I make myself, and I'm in such a wretched mood lately it's hard to think of anything I'd like to eat, leave alone prepare it and pack it to go. So all I've packed for myself are the nuts, granola bars and a peanut butter sandwich (because there is no ham to go with a proper ham and cheese sandwich). On Wednesday I grew hungry enough that I grudgingly paid for chicken (from a company I'd vowed to myself never to buy food from myself) because I felt guilty paying for pizza knowing the nutritional value was even worse than that of fried chicken. In the house I'm surviving on oatmeal, cereal, fruit, granola bars and whatever I find that suits my fancy. I dread the thought of aunt A's legumes... ever since she cooked "Indian style" chickpeas she puts turmeric, clove and cardamom on all legumes, which I'm not too fond of. I have lettuce and could have salad... but I just haven't felt in the mood for salad lately. I want fatty food, I want sweet food, I want comfort food (and it's lacking). 

Why break the silence now? Because I can't go without thanking my parents for worrying about me, checking in on me more often than usual and sending printed independence my way. Uncle A mentioned I should buy textbooks, but has done nothing about it and neither has aunt A. I let slip the fact that I'd found the titles for the ones I needed but said nothing further. I found online copies for two out of three and only needed (what I still think is a ridiculous amount of) money for the last one. The money that should have gone towards getting a haircut went into buying this textbook, along with more money still. The old man is trying to send more money my way so I can buy a little lunch now and then. 

I daresay aunt A is deliberately forgetting all about it (that I need to eat, that she's promised the haircut and facial appointments, that I need textbooks) and I can't fault her for it, but I can't help resenting her either. It's mostly the inner child in me expecting things she doesn't deserve... but the part of me that thinks this is all deliberate despises the petty attitude behind it because it feels a lot like she's trying to discipline me, my silence and my hermit ways. I won't ask for a thing. I can only hope that what my parents can provide suffices me and that I can get a job to stand stumble on my own two feet.

They're getting a new dog, you know. I don't know if I'd mentioned it before, but they are. I have mixed feelings about the whole thing. On one hand, I'm glad I'm not there because it would feel sacrilegious and like an insult to my little one's memory. On the other, while I'm glad they include me in the process I'm sad I'm not there to actually take part in it. It's been a while since I last had a proper conversation with anyone other than them. Not with A, not with AOB, not with SmTn, not anyone.

People here are counting on me making friends now that I have about 300 people to choose from... but I'm still shrouded in silence. Where I'm not trying hard to be a wallpaper who's annoyed by people who whisper during class I'm awkwardly not knowing if I should look at people around me or whether it's considered rude staring. In the class with the instructor I dislike I now unfortunately stand out and it could be just paranoia but I think I heard two girls talking about me and I want to shrink out of existence. 

I'm thankful to cousin I for asking if I'd like to watch a film with him tonight. He let me choose it, and he sat with me and watched it even though either of us would have given up on the whole thing when aunt A's friends arrived (it was too noisy to watch a film). He just cranked up the volume and sat there and let me talk not-really-related nonsense without judging me (too much). 

A young man on the bus told me to sit next to him and I did (without even thinking about it! what's the matter with me?!). He motioned to his cap, which he couldn't seem to be able to adjust and so I helped him. I noticed he smelled but it was too late and he seemed somewhat friendly so I tried not to think about it too much. He tried talking to me, I said he should speak louder as I couldn't quite make out his words over the background noise. He only tried talking a little at a time and after this gem he gave up: "you don't look like you belong here." I didn't know whether he meant "in the bus" or "in the city" but my answer was "I gotta study." After that he didn't say anything more and neither did I. 

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