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Thursday, 17 January 2013

Second chances and second choices

I had this dream last night. I've all but forgotten it by now... LesMisGuy was here, sort of the way AOB was here, and we were going out. On a date. A date-date. A second date-date. I know/knew it was a date because I know/knew we were going to kiss and all I had to do was wait for the right time for it to happen. We were going to the cinema. I know it was a second date and I'm now no longer sure why, but I know he'd given me a second chance (drilling in the idea that it was my screw up that kept him from wanting anything to do with me ever again). I knew, however, that it would go well and that it was certain we'd kiss. Alas! I did not dream to dream the kiss...

In another dream I was waiting in line by the café near the maths department when I ran into ThPr. I'm now speculating, but I think I went through every awkward thought involved with asking him tow write the recommendation letter I still haven't asked him to write again. I suppose my anxiety (and procrastination) are projecting onto my dreams. That would explain why I dreamt that I could send presents for my family with uncle C and that my uncle would somehow be able to deliver them. No evidence of anything of the sort in real life. I might have to wait for him to come all the way here. Just in case, though, I bought the old man a chef's torch so I'd have a gift for each one (lipstick for mum, shirt for my sister). I suppose neither will go bad while I wait to send them over.

As for LesMisGuy being a projection... well... er... I suppose the whole thing was very disappointing.

[noon edit]
Mad a royal fool of myself that I did. I actually stopped writing to check if I was making a bigger fool of myself in the near future. Don't know if it will come to that. The story...? The story:

I chose a seat in class closer to the board and smack in the middle of the row. Next to me (my left, in case it's important... which it isn't) a young man sat down. We were supposed to hand in a homework assignment and he started a conversation.
 - Did you do the homework?
 - Yes.
 - All of it?
 - All of it. I'm not sure I got all the answers correct, though.
 - Did you do number n?
 - Yes. Want to look at it? Here it is. You still have time to fill yours in.
 - What's that? A constant?
 - Yes... No. Wait, it's the units.
 - Oh, thanks.

A while later he asked my name and gave me his (which I didn't hear, nor really listen to) He gave me his card and told me he works as a musician playing live in private parties. I won't judge him for that entrance because, like I said, I'm humbled by my foolishness. Well into the class I was quite literally bored out of my mind and after doing a few "useful" things (download class documents) I gave in  to check xkcd comics. He asked about them and asked if they were jokes. I pointed out they were nerd comics and offered he could look through the website. He (quite rightly) said I should listen to the professor and pay attention to the class, which I inexplicably used as a cue to whine about how slow the classes are and how I saw this years ago and expected everyone else had too. 

Fast forward to a problem being solved on the board and his quick solution to a tiny dead easy step. He told me what the answer was while I stared into space thinking of nothing.. I agreed with him.. He realised he was wrong and rectified his answer. I agreed with him again. I very quickly felt very silly and full of it. There went my first chance at making an acquaintance, methinks. We'll see if he seeks me out again, but it seems bloody unlikely. I wouldn't want to talk to me again. What is my problem?!

I can say it starts with some need to be on some stupid high chair, like I'm too smart for engineering (which might be true, the way professors teach them like idiots), but I most certainly am not all that smart and thus it only comes out as: I'm so full of shit. Could I be any less despicable?

[1:46pm edit]
Most of the last class was spent in an elaborate daydream about running into LesMisGuy here. You see, I asked the guy from class about a place to get lunch and he mentioned a place recommended to him by a friend-who-has-no-chance-of-being-LesMisGuy. Well, in my fantasy, it was him. And I went there for lunch and ran into LesMisGuy while I waited in line but he had lunch with me, held my hand when I turned too visibly red and uncomfortable, letting me know it was alright and that he'd come all the way here for me. Then we'd proceed to become a couple and be awesome together. 

*sigh*

[3:20pm edit]
The instructor I don't like asked for people dumped via text/facebook. A girl in the front volunteered her story of how her six month boyfriend broke up with her. He pushed the subject, which made it painful for me because all I could think was "It's painful as fuck to be broken up with. It's so much worse when it's done so horribly. She probably doesn't want to talk about it in front of 100 people, even if you just want to tell her how much of an idiot the exboyfriend was." I was thankful to other girls for telling their stories, which may have been just a ruse to get some attention but I preferred to see as "sharing the load." When the class was over I decided that, if he hasn't already, SmTn's lookalike should ask this girl out. They look like a good match and I'm guessing she already has a minor crush on him (if he's noticed he lives in the same building as her and knows his name from afar).

The song I can't quite get into my head is "I can't take my eyes off of you" by Walk of the Earth and Selah Sue. 




I keep singing it as the Damien Rice song ("The Blower's Daughter"), 




I try to remind myself it has a more reggae feel to it and end up thinking of UB40's "(I can't help) falling in love with you."





Not that you could actually know this unless I told you, but I didn't really write this post (online) at the times I put in. I wrote most of it by hand and transcribed it, then added more bits as I remembered what else I meant to write but didn't put on paper.

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