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Wednesday, 28 November 2012

There's a pattern here. Any ideas on what it means?

I had a dream last night where D and I were together. Had been for a while, too, because it felt like we'd gotten comfortable. It was odd, though, because neither felt too strongly about the other. D had, however, learned to kiss (supposedly) and he kissed me slowly and sweetly, except it didn't feel sweet or loving. It felt cold and boring. The technique was there but the feeling wasn't. That's how I see it now, at any rate. If sweet and slow kisses felt cold and boring for other reasons, the only one I can think of is that I'd become jaded and that's a horrible thought. 

Now, it's fairly odd that I've been remembering my dreams quite so often all of a sudden. I'd had little to write for quite a long time and suddenly every other day I'm dreaming about men. More specifically, I'm dreaming about having sex, kissing, wanting and being wanted by men. It's probably worth noting that SmTn is nowhere to be found in these dreams. The dreams are all fucked up and SmTn doesn't seem to fit with the disturbing mood. It could also mean I've finally left him in the folder of platonic friends and can finally be trusted not to think such silly thoughts again. I might have to eat my hat tomorrow if I end up dreaming about him in a fucked up way.

Let's talk about the dreams, then. As they go, I've been experimenting with many ideas I wouldn't consider normally in waking life. Bigamy, threesomes, sleeping with strangers, making a sex tape, being wanted and lusted for... Except for the dream where I was hoping to get LesMisGuy to want to be with me, I don't think my feelings are at all considered in all this. This is not about the men I want to be with: I slept with strangers, even rather gruesome ones, and didn't think twice about it. I wasn't even enjoying myself. In my dreams, I used D to get something. I'm not sure what, but it seems to me now that he was only a tool in the greater scheme of things. I didn't particularly long to be with him. I think that it boils down to exploring sex in a "safe" environment, the only one I know.

What do you make of all this?

One "obvious" explanation is that my lack of a sex life or a relationship prospect are taking a toll on me. Dream dictionaries online suggest that having sex with strangers in my dreams indicates my uncertainty about the future. Check. I can't think of other explanations. A psychiatrist might say I'm trying to tell myself something but I can't figure out what that is.

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