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Sunday, 18 November 2012

I have to be fucking kidding me [sic]

Let me tell you about this dream I had last night. Well, they're technically dreams, so I'll just get one of them out of the way.

One of the dreams was about some sort of agency. Not unlike a spy agency, as one of the members had trained many of the others, who looked up to him, in the use of weapons. The weapons included machine guns and the  members included mostly children and teenagers. So far so good, until this leader turned on them. I was one of the others, and I remember holding a heavy glass door so he couldn't come into the room the others were in. When I taunted him "what are you going to do?" he came out with a machine gun and I had to move away. A girl, about 13, with long black hair, fairly tan, a round face and rather sweet demeanour, came out. She'd apparently fucked up being brave once before, she'd failed to use a machine gun like the leader had taught her to. She stepped forward and decided she'd get him herself with another machine gun. She started setting herself up and aiming when he started shooting. Having at least 4-5 bullets in her chest, rather than going down she propped herself up and made her mind up to get him. She walked to him and shot him at close range, in the head, repeatedly (of course, because it was a bloody machine gun). A rather gruesome dream, if you ask me.

Mind the labels. First and last warning. You can't unread this shit.

Now, for the other dream. In my mind I came up with a fucked up idea to make LesMisGuy see how broken D had left me and how not-that-much-of-a-prude I could be. The solution to both problems came in the form of getting together with D, letting him film a sex tape and post it online for the world to see. You know it's fucked up. You knew it's fucked up even before you read it because I told you. The fact that I went through with the whole thing doesn't make matters any better. I went through with it. I fucking went through with it.

Incidentally, since all the memories I can retrieve of having sex actually reduce to giving D blow jobs, that's what I did. I'd sort of forgotten my way around it. I was a bit clumsy but, to be fair, his dream penis was considerably longer (read: twice as long as) than his real one (not that short to begin with). I'd somehow made up my mind that I had to deep throat him, and I dared myself to take him in as far as I could (which ended up being pretty damn far, actually, because dream-me lacked a proper gag reflex). I don't know what dream D would have said, but as far as I was concerned I was giving him the blow job of a lifetime. When he came he was far inside me, but I could still taste him. And I somehow remembered his taste. I can't remember it now, but I remembered it in dreams. What a memory to keep, me.

The video must have gone online. You couldn't otherwise explain why LesMisGuy blushed visibly next time we talked. I remember thinking "Oh, you've seen the video. Don't worry, I know you watch porn and I'm all right with it." I don't think we talked about it at all, though. It did come to this: we stood next to each other, gazing out a window, leaning against some sort of waist-high structure in what reminded me of a classroom when I asked him "what are you doing Friday night?". Though it wasn't quite as straightforward as asking him out directly, it was as terrifying as asking him out and it took a lot of courage to get the words out of my mouth. His answer? "I'm hanging out with a cousin."

Dream me could see how stupid the whole thing was and came up with a reasonable ending. and really, what else could you expect? LesMisGuy sees me blowing another guy and decides he wants that for himself? Because he's just seen me blow someone else? Was he supposed to think D was being abusive posting the video online after I'd agreed to being filmed (and in secret had planned it to be that way)? Could he possibly understand how broken and afraid of being used I was from the whole thing after I deliberately set myself up to be used for sex?

What the fuck, dream me?

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