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Monday, 5 November 2012

I hate feeling stupid I hate feeling stupid I hate being stupid

My German professor from last semester told us that German people are particularly prone to feeling embarrassed and hating every fraction of a second of it. I can absolutely relate. While some people can laugh it off, forget about it as soon as it's a done deed, or simply move on with relative ease, I can't. I do something stoopid and I'll beat myself up about it. I'll write curse words in the nearest piece of paper, I'll dig my nails into my hands, back, neck, arms and nailbeds (if I attempt to be discreet). Case at hand, today's biology lab quiz. So far, they've always been either oral quizzes where we all participate or not at all quizzes where all we have to do is put our names on the roster. Today, when I wasn't listening, the instructor told us to take out a sheet of paper. When I was listening he started with the questions. Now, I usually wait to see if anyone raises their hand before I answer. Of course, no one raised their hand. And off I went: I went ahead and answered three bloooming questions. Easy ones, too. Fuck. Fuck. Fuck!

I beat myself up about it all fucking class. I wanted to disappear. I wanted to hide. I wanted to be invisible. I wanted to stay the hell away from everyone and everything and I wished it had been the last lab session ever so I'd never have to face the shame again. I'm still feeling horrible about it and washing my hands revealed I might have dug too dip into my nail beds. 

I'm not sure this was post-worthy. I just needed it off my chest and even after writing it down I still feel every bit as awful about it. 

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