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Saturday, 13 October 2012

Peux-je noch aller dormir?

Long day today. Started around 7am when my little cousin (and across the hall room-mate) woke up and everyone in the house was up talking. Loudly. Without bothering to close the doors we'd kept closed for quiet's sake. It wasn't much longer before I realised I wasn't going to get any more sleep anyway and I had better get up and join them for breakfast. After all, we had a big lunch coming up and aunt MT and I were cooking it. Big day cooking all the way until lunch. After lunch cousin S wanted to talk to me about college next semester and insisted I should get into the college I'm quite sure I won't be admitted to. Which leaves me screwed.

When they made plans to go to the park in the afternoon I initially said I'd stay but they said I should go, as everyone else was going, and I agreed. I had a nice enough time and enjoyed a big cup of ice cream. No harm there. After that came dinner, and after dinner trouble started. BCN was trying to be nice telling me about things I should try to do in college in order to succeed, but that conversation was best had away from uncle A who took it as an opportunity to tell me what he thinks is best. It turns out that includes networking, which I'm very much against. I just don't think it's  right to get anywhere because of who you know rather than who you are and what you're capable of. I sat that one out, nodding and being very quiet while trying to look like I was listening intently without letting on my thoughts on how fucked I am, without looking at uncle A talking with his mouth full and without grimacing at his bad manners.

I do mean that last phrase as an over all bad manners, not just table manners. I happen to believe it's terrible manners to push your views of the world on anyone. I think it's rude that he's got my life planned out for me and wants me to follow on what he thinks is the right path as if I weren't old enough or intelligent enough to choose my own. He doesn't seem to consider I may disagree, or may not like this field of study to stick with it all the way into a doctorate. The fact that he's paying for it doesn't entitle him to give me orders.

It's the same with aunt A. The fact that she's acting as my guardian here doesn't give her the right to arbitrarily and without any strong supporting reasons tell me what to do and what not to do, which my own parents did only on very rare occasions. I don't appreciate it. She and  uncle A feel that their old age makes them experts in everything they ever think of and they think their way is the only right way. I don't have a mind for being told what to do when the request or expectation assumes completely stupid levels of naïveté. It's also the same with aunt A's table manners. When she took off her shoes and played around with her bare feet around the table's legs the word "hooves" came to mind. For all her pretence of class and elegance she sure fails to keep up. 

Trouble came when after dinner everyone sat down to talk. Subjects of conversation were repetitive, the same old stories being told all over again, and there was a dark underlying tone to every conversation which wore me off. Paedophile priests, drug-abusing starlets, dead people... I genuinely felt guilty laughing at any of it, though they sometimes were brought to tears, and deliberately tried to remain expressionless. I particularly resent the talk of dead pets because aunt MT tried to remedy my silence bringing up my little one and I understand that her intentions are sweet but it feels sacrilegious to bring her up like that. I refuse to speak of her, especially of her death, even more so when people are laughing at other morbidly sordid stories. 

All I could think the whole time was when can I go? Can I go sleep? I want to go! Let me go! Leave me alone! I want to sleep! Won't you please shut up and end this bloody conversation already?

Up until lunch I would have just finished writing an e-mail for SmTn. Right now I settled for saving a draft and coming to the blog to say that I'm fucked and fucking tired.

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