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Tuesday, 9 October 2012

mind: blank

I indulged in watching television shows. For two hours, maybe more. I should know future me will regret it big time because it took time away from important things like studying and getting homework done and even saying hello to uncle A when he arrived but I'm in a quiet, be alone by myself kind of mood and I even made sure to eat dinner early. If I get hungry I'll hold it. I don't want to leave the room unless I have to go to the bathroom or something. The shows managed to calm me down numb me. It's not a good state of mind to work in. I should have known better. I'd set out to finish everything before going to sleep tonight and I won't be able to. Even though I wanted to make sure I had nothing pending by tomorrow when aunt MT arrives. Oh, the sanity she'll bring with her...

I'd better get to vacuuming her room, changing the bedsheets on her bed and mopping the garage before she gets here. *sigh*

And that's without mentioning I have a few calls to make and I don't want aunt A to hear. I'll then have to e-mail the old man and ask him for a big favour so I don't have to ask it of anyone else here. I might be in big trouble, academically, if I don't get admitted for next semester. I'm not very sure I can take enough classes next semester where I'm studying. 

I... er... Well, it's obvious by now, or it should be. I wish I had someone to talk to. I wish I had someone to tell me it will all work out all right in the end. Uncle A mentioned during lunch that I should aim for a PhD and while it's been in my plans for a while now I'm sure he means I should get it here, in what they want (just like he was trying to push the electric engineering classes) and that's not what I want. Ungrateful as it may make me sound, I'd always assumed I'd leave and get my PhD elsewhere. I'd always assumed I'd thank them and get along my way. I don't know where I'll go or what my PhD will be in. I know I'll want some more independence, though. I don't quite know how that works out with owing the money I owe, or showing aunt A and uncle A my gratitude but I can't do it by setting roots here. I dread that idea and resent everyone who suggests and insists on it.

I do so wish I had someone to talk to and that I hadn't been logged into facebook waiting for someone to log in, knowing I still wouldn't talk to them. Here's a late thanks to CtW because she was lovely the other day asking how everything was going and how I  was holding out. 

Looking over old posts I couldn't help but notice that the only person I've talked to in the last couple of months that actually makes me happy is SmTn. If you take a quick look, even just at the post titles, you can see how fucking happy he makes me. And as happy as it makes me to talk to him, write him an e-mail or read one he's written, isn't it all rather sad in the big scheme of things? My last bits of human contact come from the person who's physically farthest from me. From the one person who's so ashamed of me he only speaks with me late at night when he can afford it. This has "wrong" written all over it, even if the conversations stay appropriate and I only thank his loveliness without ever hoping for more. I'm starting to depend on him and it's a crazy thing to do, even though I'd be crazier if I didn't have him to hold me together (though I don't suppose he realises it).

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