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Friday, 5 October 2012

Death and marriage

A thought has been bothering since I woke up. I got a good night's sleep, and in the course of completely waking up, getting breakfast and coming back to my room I started remembering the dreams I'd had. The one I woke up to is now completely forgotten, having been replaced by a dream I had of EBF getting married. There's not an awful lot to  it. All I know is that in the dream he had a girlfriend, a long term one like N2, but not exactly N2. She was thinner and had short (down to her shoulders) black hair (though also straight). I know it's a picture of EBF's ideal sort of woman and there's a good chance that I mixed images of Arc, N2 and Tim Burton film characters to put her together. As the story went in my dream, EBF and her had been together for a very long time. They got into a big fight and ended up sleeping on it (read: make up sex). After that they were engaged, so one must presume that he proposed that night. My first reaction was that of surprise: EBF getting married? I suppose he might not do it by the church, but even then... married? Such a strange thought. 

Then, thinking on it further, the idea struck me that in some circles (dating back to Ancient Greece) one might worry that EBF will die. Because death and marriage are opposed when you dream of them: dream of death, someone gets married and vice versa. I thought of telling him, dropping him a line, and then decided against it. Yesterday's short talk with MrInteresting felt like such a big victory and I felt an urge to tell him about it as soon as it happened, even before I wrote it in the blog. And yet I got no answer. And yet everytime we talk conversations die. And yet I forget. 

I anticipated this as early as high school, where I'd refer to us suddenly not talking as the end of the Roman Empire, in 50 a. d.  I thought this would happen whenever he and Arc became a couple, but I suppose it holds true for any other girlfriend he might get. It's at least a little silly because we first stopped talking long before he first met N2. But it's not complete nonsense because I find myself wondering if I'm not taking attention away from the girl who deserves/owns it and then decide I had better not take his time away from her. The fact remains that I'm part of an old life left behind long ago and at best I can be considered obsolete. The fact remains that in spite of all this I sometimes can't resist the urge to want to talk to him. 

I have to admit I was hoping for an immediate response from him and I kept checking in on my messages to see if he'd answered. I noticed he saw my message some three hours after I wrote it, but wrote nothing back. I checked on it again, over and over, and got nothing. I started resenting his lack of enthusiasm because I somehow expected a celebratory or congratulatory message from him. I've been kicking myself for that. I might have known better. 

For the record then, I chose to write about my dream. I chose to write it down in case something happens, in which case I'll beat myself up about it wondering if I could have done something. But also to remind myself of what it most likely means: the death of a friendship.

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