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Tuesday, 9 October 2012

Broken. You could probably see this one coming

I couldn't work, so I settled for watching YouTube videos telling myself I'd at least go to sleep early. I didn't. The drowsiness wore off, so I studied for a bit. Then I figured it was getting late and I had better go to sleep so I turned off the lights and tried to sleep. Except it wasn't happening on its own and I let my mind wander back into the dark places where I got that twisted fantasy of EBF and LesMisGuy talking. The image of LesMisGuy came to mind a bit too clearly. The memory of his face right in front of mine was a bit too strong. I'm far too weak to go over "why did he stop talking to me?" even in a scenario when it's him telling EBF. I immediately assume it's something I did wrong and that's where everything breaks.

When things go wrong, and they nearly always do, I'll find a way to blame it on me. It could be the university applications. It could be LesMisGuy wanting nothing to do with me. It could be my little one dying. Shit happens and I'm always sure it's my fault so I make sure to make myself miserable. I can't stop it. I know shit happens but I also know that I could have done more and I'll be forever lost in the what ifs. How could I not? I so miss my little one. I so wish LesMisGuy and I could have been together. I so wish EBF and I still talked like we used to. I so wish for so many things and even the simple pleasures like being by myself and not having to worry about aunt A knowing I cried and wanting to talk about it are gone. 

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