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Saturday, 1 September 2012


After a lengthy play of Fairway Solitaire (mea culpa) I couldn't quite settle down to do homework. Even though I already fucked up and mindfarted a review out of existence in my brain and got a blooming 0 on the easiest 100 (a tutorial on how to use the system). *sigh*

I wanted to write about what's been on my mind today, because I'm sure psychiatrists would have a field day with it. Aunt A talks a lot. She can't quite sit down and be around people without talking. Even when she's driving. It gets avery annoying, especially when I learn most of her stories by heart and there's "I'm old" at the core of every one of them. I inadvertently space out and my mind wanders. Sometimes I look out the window and blank out trying to pretend I'm still listening to aunt A. Today I walked into a fantasy and every spare second I got I spent there. They'll host another summer school next year, you know. So, I started thinking about what it would be like if SmTn was there. And if LesMisGuy went too.

In my fantasy, one night SmTn and I are just sitting on a bench, talking. The talking turns into him leaning in and surprising me with a kiss, which I receive with a "That was as sweet as it was sneaky. And it was very sneaky." I'd then be forced to say "I'm going to call it a night now. You have a girlfriend and a friend who respects that. I'll see you tomorrow." The whole time, LesMisGuy would be in the background, eavesdropping. Walking out from my meeting with SmTn I'd walk by him and let him know I was aware of his eavesdropping with a not-so-subtle "Still here? Aren't you cold?" and would sit next to him to talk. In my fantasy, he'd be easy to read and I would catch him off his guard with that, but I'd offer to share a blanket and stick around. In my fantasy, he would have gone to summer school just to see me. In my fantasy, he'd want to be with me. Having made him uncomfortable, I'd then go into saying "You know, I definitely just don't understand you" and go over a brief summary of how he's led me to understand he's just not that into me, all the time knowing I am quite into him (present tense even as I said it). 

That's where I get stuck. I suppose that's also the point where I'm completely out of my mind not making sense, but fantasies are allowed not to make sense. My point is that up until that moment, my fantasy is very clear to me and I can see it all happen, but I just can't anticipate LesMisGuy's reaction. Would he excuse himself and go to sleep? Would there be an uncomfortable silence? What about a comfortable silence where he holds my hand while he gathered his thoughts? What about SmTn? He wouldn't cease to disappear as I walked off and there's a scenario where he might even follow me. He just might see me with LesMisGuy and doesn't that all make me a horrible person? Even for fantasising about it? Does it not make me evil to wish that two guys liked me? Does it not make me wretched to fantasise that even then nothing much happens with either of them?

And really, what could LesMisGuy possibly say? If he showed up to summer school to see me, as is the case in my fantasy, what's his argument? Did he suddenly realise he likes me, years after the fact? Would he have wasted his chance like he did if he'd liked me when the time was right? Could he possibly be that much of a coward that, in the face of me pretty much throwing myself in his arms, he would have done nothing out of insecurity? Because of my first reading of him, one before I started fancying him, I can't quite dismiss this possibility. Well, mostly because I'm willing to justify him actually liking him with pretty much anything, but also because it's the only "reasonable" excuse I can come up with. Maybe he took too long to want to make a move and by then I'd given up and retreated to a place where he's not even my facebook friend. Maybe.

Maybe, and much more likely, I can't quite let go of the idea of LesMisGuy (or of SmTn, for that matter). If some dating site's advice is right about it, my unwillingness to let go would be a manifestation of huge insecurities (which are obviously present). Their advice was to ask myself: what am I afraid of? And I don't know. They seemed to aim the advice at serial daters, people who can't seem to be happily single ever and cling to relationships for sustenance. That's not me. But the thing about insecurities somehow spoke to me and I'm wondering if maybe being more secure and having higher self-esteem would help me letting go of the men that weren't. Would I have more reasonable fantasies then? Would I at least settle for more straightforward fantasies of being rich and famous?

Because even now when I fantasise about it I end up thinking of an interview where I'm asked about my love life and I mention LesMisGuy and everyone asks themselves: "What kind of an idiot misses out on her?". Including him. And then he'd reach out to me and we could give things a shot. Fuck, that's fucked up. If I were rich and famous I'd have plenty of other men to choose from, and I'd still go back to LesMisGuy? What's fucking wrong with me? Not Darren Criss? Not Matthew Gray Gubler? Not anyone else? Really?

For those of you with dirty minds out there, I realise the above fantasy could have easily turned into a very likely exciting threesome. In my mind, it doesn't. I think I'd be more content with my fantasising if it did, knowing that the threesome is a somewhat more "normal" thought. It would at least point at my thinking that both men would want me. As it is, I'd push SmTn away and make the situation pretty much impossible with LesMisGuy.

For those of you still judging me for browsing through sites with dating advice, give me a fucking break.

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