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Saturday, 28 July 2012

Too good to be true


I just got back from having a drink with AOB, EBF and A after the big family reunion (they ended up attending). While I could stop to talk about how I didn't really think they'd make it and how I was sort of avoiding A, I won't. 

I will back up a bit first to get what's bothering me the most out. This afternoon my aunts and I went to my newlywed cousin's new place for tea. As my aunt MT drove, a bus on our right suddenly made a left and my aunt braked just short of the bus touching the car. My aunt A, who was copiloting broke into a fit and called my aunt MT a moron, which ended in a small discussion about why she shouldn't be quite so anxious and break into hysterical fits where she yells like that for no good-enough reason. First chance we got, my aunt A said she'd rather I copilot and a small conversation ensued where I pointed out it was a bit out of line to call my aunt MT a moron and that, fine, I'd copilot. As soon as she thought we were out of earshot from the others, my aunt A took me apart to tell me she did so not call my aunt MT a moron, and how I must have heard it all wrong. She must have been calling the bus driver a moron, not my aunt. She was furious and very insistent on me not saying that she called my aunt MT such things. She kept saying she would never call my aunt MT or anyone else in the family a moron. Uh-huh. 

Now. I had good time to doubt myself but I'm quite sure of what I heard and I definitely have no incentives any which way. I already know that my aunt A is too quick to use very harsh words and I never know just how serious she is about her insults because she's so volatile. I wasn't particularly surprised or offended that she would call my aunt MT names. I was, however, a bit appalled by her behaviour. Whoever she chose to yell names at makes no difference. She should be able to take it easy and she didn't. I know she has a history of taking anti-depressants (or other medicated mood-altering drugs) and being hooked on them. I know she's quick to start fights and a bit too eager to be right about everything. I'm very non-confrontational and I rather thank mum for that. I don't know if my aunt A will hold a grudge against me but I did what I could to avoid her until the guys arrived and act like nothing had happened. I can't deal with it any other way. I don't know how. I can definitely see arguments like this turning into a big problem in my near future, though, because she can be quite overbearing and I refuse to bow down to her childish behaviour.

In other words, putting up with her will be a handful.

Back to the subject of going out with the guys... They worked out better than I could have hoped at my uncle's place. EBF did most of the talking but he and A seemed to get on quite well, especially when they discussed films. So far so good. As time wore on, he turned to cruder, ruder, jokes to make us all laugh and it was as if he were trying too hard and were spent. At some point he actually reversed to his high school self and it wasn't exactly a good thing... Now, A laughed whole-heartedly (or pretended to) but it was quite clear she wasn't having the best time ever around EBF. AOB was very tired and agreed to go out just to please us, saying nothing of cancelling when he yawned, quite visibly exhausted. As for me, all the self-consciousness went into overdrive. 

I worried that I wasn't thankful enough, eloquent enough, emotional enough. I worried that I smelled. I worried that I was gassy and sometimes couldn't help the odd fart slipping out as I walked. I worried that I'd made cheap crude jokes like EBF's trying to... well, frankly, I don't know what I was hoping for. When EBF said we still haven't gone out for lunch I sort of lashed out of him and I've been worried about that too.

He only just got back yesterday afternoon and still made it to the reunion, which is a lot more than I could have expected. AOB was dead tired and still showed up. To be too honest, I'd been entertaining myself with silly fantasies of how LesMisGuy could show up unexpected at the reunion. I wouldn't mention it if it weren't for the fact that when I realised no one had actually confirmed they'd show up before I left the house to go to my cousin's place, I sketched a fantasy of them being in on some kind of surprise for me and I dismissed it right away as too ridiculous. You know, after indulging in thoughts about how I could maybe see LesMisGuy and it would totally be because he wanted to see me. Them wanting to see me was an even more outlandish idea.

That gives you some context. When EBF suggested we go out for lunch and told me to call him, I insisted he tell me when he's free. It's as true now as it was the last time I insisted on the same thing: he's a busier man than I am. He has N2 to figure things out with. He has quite  a few other friends. He has a big family. And yet that's not it. I was mad at him. He told me we should meet last week for lunch and yet he was away all week (which he knew would happen because he was away for a wedding). I actually pointed this out and I know I was harsh when I did it because I tried especially hard to be nonchalant about it (and very likely failed). Now I'm actually wondering what a good time might be because my way of being sorry for being an ass is doing what he wanted me to do. Stupid as it is, I need his approval and demanding anything I shouldn't expect from him makes me needy (a big no-no). The worst part of this thinking is that demanding anything at all seems preposterous bec in spite of the fact that I should have a right to expect a lot from him, or should have had the right some time ago when it actually meant anything.

As for A... her mum actually thanked me for being such a good friend. Seriously?! Such a good friend? To A? And while I appreciate the lovely gesture of giving me a copy of Let's pretend this never happened, a fundamental truth I can't escape is the fact that A is fucked up beyond anything that I could want to deal with. I'll present the fact that she's still drawn to Dg as proof. Mark my words: she won't stay away from him, not even for her good, any time soon.

Oh, and, before I forget, if I may? EBF actually mentioned the whole meeting with N2 to see if they'll stay together plans very casually around AOB and A. Does he care so  little that he can tell people he doesn't trust as much anything, just because they can't understand it, Arc style?

Stub: Remember how, long ago, I had the feeling that I'd walked into someone else's fantasy, having thoughts that didn't feel like my own. The fantasy? AOB and I kissing. 

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