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Saturday, 28 July 2012

I'm not sure which one's the frying pan

The old man asked for money until they pay his salary in a couple of days, knowing I got quite a bit as a gift for graduating. Pissed me off some, but I agreed to it saying nothing about how I know he's not actually going to pay me back, even offering more than he actually asked for. I took some of the money out today, against mum's wishes, to buy ingredients so I can bake lots of thank you scones and cookies. The old man asked if I'd brought the money with me. Some of the money was necessary to pay for gas, so when we stopped at a gas station I offered him about what it takes to fill the tank. He asked for more, saying there was room for a little more gas and I gave him another bill. When I checked the counter I noticed that there should be some money left, but he'd gone to buy a lotto ticket (or two) and didn't give me back any money. He took forever to buy it too, so we actually blocked the way of other cars that might have wanted to pump gas in the mean time. I was upset that he'd gone and wasted good money he didn't have and had to ask from me to do something no better than throwing it in the trash. I said it was silly to have bought the tickets and he said you never know if you'll win (I always know he won't). 

Just now, he asked me to give him money. He argued he needed it to buy the groceries I meant to buy. I refused and told him I'd go buy them with mum on Monday. He asked for money to pay the caddie tomorrow morning when he goes playing tennis with my sister. He then went ahead and asked for ten times as much as you'd usually pay the caddie. I gave him the money but pointed out that I don't like him wasting it on lotto tickets and he answered he doesn't have to ask for my permission to use the money on anything he pleases. He then asked my sister for the reasonable amount to pay the caddie and gave me back my money, saying he didn't need it. Fine, then so be it. Now, if he could only not go ahead and waste the money he gets when he gets paid then we'd really be up to something. It's not just the lotto tickets (though those are the ones I hate the most). It's the drinks he has on weekends, and the cigarettes he buys every day. They're all useless expenses and meanwhile we have to borrow money from my aunt MT to make sure we have eggs for breakfast. I'll be damned. And he dares complain that mum spends too much money in absolutely necessary expenses involved in getting his mother's drugs? *Nazgûl shriek*

It's all positively infuriating. There aren't a lot of other coherent sentences I can form right now. What's worse, I'm having a hard time trying to piece together a plan to get money sent here if whatever money I send has to go through him. If I save up until the very last end of the semester and offer to pay for part of my sister's tuition, then whatever money he would have destined to that will go to waste. If I send small chunks as I can along the way then he'll waste small chunks away as I do so. Until a very short while ago, we didn't even have health insurance. My mum's behind on her credit card and getting harassed for it. My aunts are already trying to chip in as they can offering whatever pretexts my mum will deem acceptable forms of "not charity." Making matters worse, I'm quite sure he's counting on my aunt A buying a fair amount of groceries next week when she comes to stay with us. Even if I make sure only mum has access to the money I send, even if I ask her to pay for the important things in what little time she may have it won't work. Either way they'll be struggling at the end of every month, making mum go through the most humiliating situations and my sister through unnecessary trouble.

EBF and AOB called today around 7 to ask if I'd like to go out with them for dinner and I didn't find out until 9:30 when we agreed we'd go out tomorrow. And I'm already feeling guilty about using my money to buy dinner tomorrow because I'm starting to consider buying a stash of non-perishables and hiding them in my closet so they can have little pick-me-ups for the next couple of months when they're short of doing something embarrassing to make it through the last days of the month. I happen to know that the bank my dad's got an account in has a service where they could actually lend him some money during the last days of the month which can be paid as soon as he gets paid. I can only imagine that money is long gone. What's worse, the system is all wrong because rather than encourage him to save, it's encouraging him to use money he doesn't have so he can go into the next salary a fair chunk short. It's all wrong

And now, I know the old man slaves away at the office and I'm not saying his hard work is worthless even though it's mostly inefficient. I do want to point out the fact that being the breadwinner does not entitle him to get us into trouble when he could get us out of it. I hate the fact that when he has money on his hands he doesn't think "Good, I could let this chip away of any one of a number of debts", or "Goodness, it was ______'s birthday a while ago and I got him/her nothing" but "Oh, boy, I could buy me *something unnecessary*!". 

You know, I wanted to start thinking of a letter to send SmTn with my aunt MT. I wanted to think happy thoughts. I wanted to tell SmTn about my coconut rice recipe and how decently it worked out for my first time cooking it. I wanted to say something about how maybe it can all work out between EBF and N2. I wanted to go into Let's pretend this never happened and relax a bit. I'm very much unable to do much more than write this post and try to keep my lower lip from quivering and the rest of me from breaking into sobs because sometimes a girl needs to be able to pretend she has a little dignity.

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