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Tuesday, 29 May 2012

Well, fuck

I'll just elaborate on how shitty things are with EBF. I was watching television and came across Corpse Bride in a children's channel. When the commercials for toys and current shows came on I found myself thinking "Kids these days...". So... In an uncharacteristic stroke of forgetfulness/desperation (?) I left EBF a message: "I feel old."

He joked about how he could tell because of all the wrinkles. I answered "damn, can you tell? I so need a face lift/botox." He explained he was joking. 

While we're under that title... It occurred to me to start watching New Girl because... why not? Right? Well, I watched the pilot and when the almost complete strangers went out to meet Jess for the no-show date, I cried. I'm having mixed feelings (none of them actually good) concerning the fact that one of the guys (guess) looks a lot like LesMisGuy. Fuck.



[day after edit]
As painful as it is to see Jess embarrass herself, as busy as I should be doing other things (read: the topology project), as badly as the video will play on my computer, I'm watching New Girl. Care to ask why? I'll tell you anyway: Nick looks so much like LesMisGuy...

[Thursday, May 31st, 11:50pm edit]
You know, I sort of cheated because technically I'd forgotten to mention the fact that since my aunt died I've had "Sweet Darlin'" stuck in my head and just went back to edit the post and put it in. It's only significant because I only just finished watching all available episodes of New Girl and the first thing that came to mind was that song. So I looked it up. Turns out it's a Zooey Deschanel song. 

I'm in a rut. Can't. stop. thinking. about. LesMisGuy. And everytime I see Nick in the show, with just the kind of clothes LesMisGuy would wear, with just the same stubble, similar facial expressions... I go back to thinking of kissing LesMisGuy and I just... I lose it. Now I'm coming up with elaborate fantasies where I get to see him again one last time before I leave. I'm wishing for an actual encounter where we get to talk and it turns out it was all just a huge misunderstanding and he actually fancies me so very much and we kiss again and it's everything a girl could hope for and... Fuck.

Just. fuck.


Monday, 28 May 2012

Still a little late behind the thoughts

I'm still too lazy to write things as they happen. I had another dream after the last nightmare I wrote down. I woke up to the thought of my dad slipping, falling and half voicing out as he did so. I woke up startled and with an adrenaline rush guessing the worst had happened.

Not quite done with university yet. I still have a topology project to work on... *sigh*...

Haven't handed in my thesis yet either, as I need signatures and staying until 11am today in university didn't help me get them because the professors never got there.

I have a hunch that SmTn finally got engaged. Haven't heard from him in quite a bit.

I could probably write a couple of paragraphs explaining how fucked up EBF is and how surprised I was to realise/remember it, how fucked up our once-friendship is and how it upsets me so, but I won't. It. just. blows.

This about sums it up:

 - ________?
 - Haven't I told you? ________.
 - You have a way of telling me about things... every time you say "haven't I told you about______?" you use it to tell me something I had no knowledge of. "Haven't I told you? I dyed my hair blond."
 - *laughs*

Saturday, 26 May 2012

Torture still

Woke up from a nightmare a short while ago... I had a dream about my little one. In my dream, she didn't live with me. I hadn't seen her in ages and she had been neglected. At first I made her follow me into an overflooded public bathroom so I could offer her some water to drink. I did, and after that she needed to pee, and poop.  I tried to avoid it while we were in the bathroom but was prepared to clean up as I could. My mum stopped her and had us moving along. It was about this time when I petted her and realised a few things. By now, she was no longer herself, but a caramel coloured dog from some other breed and age. She had not been given a bath in ages, and she had horrible fat ticks all over. I took some toilet paper and made to start removing some of the ticks, though I had to throw them away along the way as we walked out. We eventually arrived in a room where several family members waited for us. As I explained the tick situation and set her down on the floor while I took some more out, I noticed her left hind leg: a large patch of it was bald, and I could see the pale skin with tiny little red squiggles, as if she had some kind of worm on her. My uncle was there and explained she'd been like that for a while and she hadn't been taken to a vet. What a horrible, awful nightmare to wake up to.

It tortures me that every time I dream of her she's sick and there's nothing I can do. It was made worse in last night's dream because I had neglected  to do anything in a long time and I had allowed things to get to that stage. I actually woke up and didn't dare to open my eyes for a while, terrified of the darkness around me. I need a hug.

There was another dream about my cousins being sick with some kind of disgusting, jelly filled, segmented worm (1cm balls of yellow goo stringed together with tiny legs and a head). I remember having to shake off three of them at some point. The last dream I remember was of my family and I at some kind of design fair. My sister wanted to take a look around and came to a bit with a camera set up to take pictures in front of a screen connected to a computer. Whatever the picture was, the computer would turn the white screen in the back into some other background. Mum insisted on a picture of my sister, and I remember moving around so that my shadow didn't ruin the shot.

Thursday, 24 May 2012

It would be rude not to split it into another post

Death rites are weird. There's no way to go about it. It's all insultingly expensive, and I'll never understand why people would want to gather round a dead body to cry. If you ask me, it's too morbid. I do see how I seem a bit sociopathic asking AOB how to behave in such situations, but I just don't understand the protocols around this sort of events. It's all so... weird. I know I did what I could, however naïvely, to help my cousins out and be nice to them and make them comfortable within reason. And I know "I did right by them" by doing so. But I get the nagging feeling that a different sort of reaction was expected from me and I'll always do human interaction wrong.

Further proof of that statement can be found in the fact that I checked my university e-mails and noticed he'll be defending his thesis tomorrow. I had time to briefly consider going to university, just for the sake of maaaaybe casually (not) running into him (because the thought of seeing him all dressed up is almost irresistible). But then I realised, even if I'm not really required to go to any ceremony tomorrow (the next big on is on Saturday), I don't have a good reason to go to campus tomorrow given I cancelled my meeting with the teaching practice professor. So, what to do? Wish him well, from the blog. I hope he does amazingly well and impresses his jury, he has it in him. I'll secretly know it makes him all the sexier and secretly wish many hopeless wishes. Either way Gorgeous, you do great. You go on being great. I adore you.

Aaand that will be all, folks.

Sudden sadness

My dad called a while ago. My cousin, one of the twins, called to let us know that my aunt died earlier this morning. Apparently, she just seized and there was no bringing her back and by the time the ambulance got there there was nothing left to do. I stared at my phone for a good while and even tried leaving AOB a message asking for help on what to say. I looked up online for advice on what to say. Ultimately, I called my mum and asked her what to say if I didn't know what to say. She said I could just say that: "I don't know what to say, I'm so sorry... a big hug for you." And then I made the calls. The first went quite dry, as my cousin was mostly all business and just said they were waiting for someone to go take care of the body. I almost felt relieved, but I started breaking down a bit. By the time I called my other cousin and I managed to blurt out "a big hug to you, be strong" he broke into a sob and now I'm a complete mess. I didn't care too much for my aunt, I'm not even particularly close to my cousins. But they're good people, and it's one of the saddest things ever to even hear such honest grief on the phone. Bless them. May they have the strength to pull out of this. One big tight hug to them all.

Soundtrack of the day: the one that goes "Sweet darling, come hold me... just a little bit closer [sic?] now..."

Wednesday, 23 May 2012

Where was I?

I've turned lazy... you can tell because I won't even write for the blog anymore. 

Couple of things (minus my dreams from last night, because I neglected to write any of them down while I still remembered them):

I was out with my aunt, and my spoiled brat cousin, and their family, and other distant relatives on my aunt's side. Including a young man a year away from graduating high school who may or may not have become infatuated with me and made me want to run away. 

I haven't corrected my thesis yet, nor have I worked on my topology assignments. It's screwed up.

I did watch glee. What. a. let. down. Kurt didn't get into NYADA. There was nothing more than a tiny Klaine moment at the beginning of the episode. Rachel did get in. Can you say LAME! with me, at the top of your lungs? How disappointing for a last episode of glee ever (as far as I'm concerned). 

I also watched House on a marathon until I got to the episode where Wilson gets a death sentence away from House. And I cried like an idiot. Also making me cry like an idiot was The Lovely Bones. So there. I realised it all reminded me of my little one a bit too much. My little one the friend, my little one - my little one. Aaand just typing that made me cry. Awesome.

You know, I felt like I had a lot more to say, and I can't seem to think of much more to say. I'm terrified. I can't stop thinking of LesMisGuy. I get the feeling that everything will go very wrong. I'm scared of everything. Even though I realise many of the things I'm afraid of are unreasonable. 

I was afraid of having made a huge mistake grading that exam, remember? Well, I stayed behind grading exams yesterday and the professor showed it to me: she suspects fraud (on the student's part). It looked like she pencilled in a new answer right next to the bit where I asked for one. I'm not sure if I could have possibly missed it. I don't know if I remember missing it. It certainly looks like it was pencilled in after the fact, as the shade of the pencil is much darker than the surrounding bits. But I'm not sure. So now I'm afraid that a girl can get in trouble for cheating even though she may not have. Everything points at it being her fault but I'm trying to find fault in me anyway.

I wish I had someone to talk to about all this. I... I'm very much alone and very much aware of it. It's not making anything any better. 

[9:08pm edit]
Wait, there's something I remembered I wanted to point out: you know how I turn into full mum mode with my students? Well, it's nice to get some recognition for it. One of my students offered me a glass of orange juice before the exam started (tiny bit awkward, but I appreciate the gesture), and before leaving, a few of them thanked me "for everything" (one of them, the one who reminds me of LesMisGuy, a bit more profusely). Made me feel a tiiiiny bit better about myself as a professor. 

Thursday, 17 May 2012

Many posts in one, too lazy to split, too lazy to come up with a better title

Busy weekend was busy and then... I laid back and did fuck all for the next couple of days, even giving up on writing posts when I had quite a lot to write.

Just to get it out of the way, I wanted to mention that I've had the nagging feeling that I dreamt about LesMisGuy last night, and the night before that, and some other night I can't remember any  more where I knew I'd meet him and I chose to wear my very girly and mostly see-through blouse. About the other dreams? I remember nothing. I don't even know if I had them. I just have a nagging feeling that I can't quite get him out of my mind just yet.

On the side of short news, there's the fact that CtThumbe is going to Ptld for two months and there's no knowing if we'll meet again, so we met for lunch yesterday. I didn't know her birthday was on the same day as my sister's, so note to self: do not forget CtThumbe's birthday in the future. We had lunch, we chatted, and it was nice. 

While we're on the subject of friends, EBF's off the grid and I haven't been able to get a hold of AOB, though he should be free once he's done with his thesis and things are looking good. I've still got a few more things to work on before I'm completely done with everything for university here, so I can't say I'll rest well until another two weeks have gone by. I've been putting off sending SmTn an e-mail. I can feel the magic vanishing, and there's little but the soda wrapper equivalent of a soul mate. He's still wonderful, don't get me wrong. I just get the feeling that it's all very close to being completely over now and it puts me off. A is a completely different story though. 

Some time ago, she told me she was going out with Dg. Even though she had already explained how damaging her friendship to him is, because he's so selfish and she feels like a hypocrite and whatnot. Well, I asked about it in a few ways other than the true Seriously?! you keep coming to me about how awful he makes you feel and you're going out with him. I can see where this is going, you're smarter than that. You know what? FINE. Do whatever you want to do. I'm out. Which is about the time where I stopped talking and she logged off. That was then and this is now.

Quite a few things, actually. On the one hand, there's her asking about grants and scholarships and fellowships and the GRE because she wants to go away to continue her education. Good for her. I offered what I have to prepare for the GRE, which is now useless to me. I told her if she wants something like a grant she's better off finding organisations here that can help her out, kind of like that networking meeting my aunt asked me to join her to. She told me it was a no go for her because she's just not into licking asses (her phrasing, and I find it appalling). All I could say to that is that it's not about sucking up: she just had to be civil and make decent conversation, enough to get to know people and get people to know her. That way the people she meets can some day help her out, which is what she needs. But no. See if I care. Can't help her any more than that. Sometimes you just have to be nice and expect others to be nice in return, sometimes you act nice even though you know you won't get anything in return. She only acts nice as a kind of obligation, and even then she's greedy with her niceness. 

Today, she started off bragging about her dog and how he can or can't get a bitch (sounds rude, can't think of a better term) pregnant. She's all about spreading  his seed. That sounds disgusting. And a little disturbing. I couldn't help but think Really? Rather than let other people adopt strays or whatever, you want to get your shitty dog's shitty genes spread? Who do you suppose benefits from that? but I didn't say anything. My internet is shit lately, so when the connection broke and I couldn't get back to her I found she had already changed the subject to ask about N1. No news there. I answered but I'm not sure she got the message. Then the connection broke down again and when I was online again I asked about her night out with Dg. And now she's telling me she felt awful. No. shit. 

Truth is, her friendships (including the one with me) are all dysfunctional. There's nothing to do about it until she comes to and realises she needs therapy. I can't do that for her. I can only attempt to be nice or shut up as I see fit, but I can't talk sense into her. I don't know how to get to her and frankly, most of the time I don't even want to put in the effort because I don't really think  she deserves it. She doesn't really deserve me being so nice to her and putting up with her selfishness, her refusing to see reason, her fucked up ways of interacting with others. If it weren't for my mum, I would have given up on her long ago. I'm going to assume that's a good thing. For someone. Maybe. I don't even know... It really does infuriate me, though, and I can't say anything to anyone because I'd breach privacy clauses of our friendship. Or something along those lines. I don't even know... 


So, on to other subjects... it's about to get political and very fucked up in here. Jump ship while you can.

Last Tuesday, the police found a bomb in a car in the early hours of the morning, which seemed like a big save. Until a bomb actually went off at about 11am. Last time I looked, the body count went up to 5 and there were at least 40 injured. All kinds of fucked up. Mum and my aunt pointed out it's like we're back to the 80s and 90s. The days when people even worried about bombs were supposed to be long gone. At least in this city. And yes, I do admit we're sheltered because fucked up shit like this goes on every day in more remote parts of the country, which is one of the unspeakably horrid byproducts of a civil war over 50 years in the making. 

You know what I hate? We're used to it. I'm used to it, if ever in a very naïve way. You know you're in a fucked up country when a bomb goes off and you wonder why they're not smarter about it. I'm not even worried that they wanted to kill a certain man or another. I don't know if he's a good man or a bad man. I don't know who he is or what he did that could have people wanting to kill him. I don't know if they really wanted to kill him. All I could think of is how I wouldn't have done something quite so wasteful as killing the one man with a bomb. Suppose, like the government surely will, that it was someone in the left side of the political spectrum who wanted to kill him. For the love of all that is good in this world, why would you try to kill a single man by endangering the lives of the people you're supposed to want to protect? Goes for anyone really, if the far right did it "for the greater good" then they need fucking glasses and a lot of perspective.

If you're claiming to be on the people's side, if you're claiming to want what is best for the 99% (or staggeringly higher percentage that might turn out to be), you just shouldn't hurt more people than you absolutely have to. You're not supposed to let the only smart people willing to even consider your point of view, students, get blamed and framed as terrorists. You shouldn't let journalists, who are more often than not just reporting, get hurt because they're not supposed to be on anyone's side. If several journalists (and it's easy enough to know the serious ones from the state-paid ones) agree you're evil, then you probably are you moron. Isn't it at least a little contradictory that they are allegedly smart enough to criticise the current government and yet they're incapable of seeing the error of their ways? Can they really be so backwards thinking that they won't give up violence and terrorism? Are they so cowardly that they won't admit they're only in it for the money and because there's no doubt a great deal of sick fucks in their ranks just needing to get off on the horridness of it all? 

I'm not defending the government. I don't know the half of it, but I know it's bad. I know they're far from perfect. But for crying out loud, the answer is in education, not in violence, and we've known it for a fairly long time now even if no one's dared to implement a decent solution. You want to take down the government? Take kids, give them books, and teach them to see what needs to be fixed. Don't fucking give them guns, yeah? You want to let a government official know he did a shitty job? Well, don't vote for him, teach people not to sell their votes, and make sure you have someone in the higher ups who can look after things lest they get too fucked up. Goodness knows more than a few are actually trying to make everything right. It's all about fighting the good fight, right? But fighting it properly

I will never see the point of terrorism. Showing that you can kill people doesn't just mean the government failed to protect them: it means you're no fucking better. How does that logic work? Ha! I killed so many of you! See? The government doesn't have your back. When I rule this country, I totally will, though. Promise. Even though I just killed so many of you. I'm actually the good guy. You can trust me. 

You can't possibly wipe out all the crooks. We're the land of the selfish. We're the land of corruption. I'm sure many of them could deserve to die for all the misery they've caused. Kill one and five more take his place. Can't we just pick a good system, make sure no one fucks it up with made up rules, and just stick to it? Can't we start voting for people who know what they're doing, for people who can get us out of this shithole, for people who can see the greater good and forget about themselves long enough to make a difference for good? This country is damned. The world be damned. Sociopaths should not be allowed to run for anything that gives them so much power. 

All right, rant mode over. I know I'm more than a little ignorant, and sheltered and hopelessly idealistic. Just agree with me on one thing: terrorism is WRONG

That about does it, I think. Very long post, making little to no sense at all. Great. I don't think I'll bother going into the anxiety taking over as the time to leave grows near. Suffice it to say: sometimes I can't stand my mother and lately I've been eating so much it's crazy. I'm just hungry all the time and not hungry-hungry but anxious-hungry which means I can't stop being hungry and it's annoying as fuck. How awful a person would I be if I didn't want to say goodbye to anyone? I already said goodbye to CtThumbe. I can do without saying goodbye to AOB, EBF and A. Would that be socially acceptable?

Sunday, 13 May 2012

Busy weekend

I need to make time go slow. I need it to go at a half hour per minute, give or take. I have a topology final exam on Tuesday. And an essay to hand in on Wednesday (about two plays I haven't quite read thoroughly). And my dad's sister is here and it's impossible to be very useful around her, and my sister's birthday, and her birthday, and mother's day. 

There's a few things I've gone without writing about because I've been too tired to... I can't really remember the chronological order, so here goes:

The woman my dad was married to before he married mum is friends with my aunt. It's twisted. I hadn't seen her in ages but the general impression I have of her hasn't changed much: she's batshit crazy, quite embarrassing, a tiny bit psycho and thank-goodness-she's-not-my-mother. Happy mother's day, mum. I'm glad I got you for a mum.

A couple of my sister's friends came over yesterday night. They asked if I'd like to go to my favourite restaurant, to which the obvious answer was yes, please. They took ages to get ready and when they got here they made my sister and I change and dress up (literally... we wore dresses, and heels, and make up). I figured something was up but didn't think too much about it. After a brief and very late dinner, they made for a nearby pub. Their plans included getting drunk and possibly getting my sister to try pot. They also tried to get me to talk about guys I fancy, how I seduce men, and my love life in general. Very uncomfortable. Very uncomfortable.

I had a dream about D. I'm no longer very sure what happened in my dream, but I half-remember us being together again in "present time" as some kind of arrangement. It was not committed, it was mostly just convenient. I can sort of explain this one: Friday afternoon a  guy who smelled a lot like D sat behind me on the bus and I got lost on the trail of ideas that the smell brought about. I remembered his smell as the smell of kisses, of proximity, of intimacy. I might as well point out the fact that when I remembered kissing D, the fantasy kisses were cold and distant. Very useful, me, why didn't I catch up to that earlier? I'm a little afraid to be near anyone who smells that much like LesMisGuy. 

Friday, 11 May 2012

I'm being so useless right now

I've managed not to study at all  for tomorrow's topology partial exam. I had time off after teaching class, but I opted for reading thebloggess' old posts. I'm skipping today's German exam because I can afford to, to study. "To study." I tried lying in the grass for a bit because it's sunny but changed my mind because  I thought it was going to rain. So I made my way to the maths department, hoping to find some room in the basement. I made a stop at the bathroom first and on my way there noticed LesMisGuy's friend sitting on a bench. I just thought fuck... must mean LesMisGuy's somewhere around here... I'm going to walk around this here bit which will keep me out of sight. And then, as I walked out of the bathroom I noticed what I'm 60% sure was LesMisGuy. Granted, he was walking, and I only took a quick glance at his back, but I'm thinking it was likely enough him. All it took was being glad this is my last day of class and I didn't see him. There was no room at the basement. I wanted to turn and see if he was there with his friend on the bench, but I decided I look positively hideous and frankly there's just no reason to torture myself. So, I just walked and hoped to look invisible in case it was him. I'm otherwise quite all right after having seen him, or thinking I saw him. 

I do feel quite shitty about myself, though. 

If I have myway, unless something extraordinary happens or I dream about him, I think this is my last post with the LesMisGuy label. 

Read that again, two sentences ago. I was checking my mail hoping to see where we're going to meet with the topology professor to do exercises (no news yet). I found an e-mail from the linear algebra professor I'm working with/for. She says she'd like me to see an exam I graded which was sent back to be graded again. Sounds like trouble. What with being all self-conscious about being gassy and smelly and my students whining about their grades today and... just everything today? I'm halfway there to shitting my pants. I'm in that state of mind where I can't bear mistakes and I can't forgive myself for being foolish or faulty. I'm almost done fast-forwarding to the bit where I'm done with university and I'm not too sure I'm where I was hoping to be. All I can think is: what now?

Thursday, 10 May 2012

Tired and numb (not sure they're related)

I was in university yesterday until well past 8pm. Got here very tired. Three things to point out from my day yesterday:

1) I love SweetGuy. Even more so because yesterday he quoted Vihart's videos on YouTube. 

2) The student I was sad to see drop linear algebra was around the maths department yesterday. He said hi. He stopped a while to say he meant to say goodbye before dropping the subject and to thank me for being nice and being there for him. I offered to help him choose a professor for the next time he takes the subject.

3) I spoke with SmTn and it was very short but I was smiling when it was over.

I made up my mind to try and look half pretty today, you know, in case I saw LesMisGuy (which I didn't). I spoke with SmTn again today for a much longer period of time and it just... it didn't quite click. It was strained and not nearly as wonderful as it used to be. I'm feeling a bit pessimistic about the whole thing because sometimes I fear that the proud Russian characters from Crime and Punishment were quite right and I don't like that thought. I gave up on anything working out between us long ago, that's not it. I'm reluctant to let go of the idea of how wonderful he is, though. If I let the boring and rather simple image of him take over, then I'll have very little to look up to in humanity.

This sudden boredom brought on more realisations. For example, I realised I'm all of a sudden quite over LesMisGuy (but don't take my word for it). It doesn't hurt quite so much to think about him anymore. It's just sad in the big picture because now I feel numb, like I can't feel anything at all. Like I have to wait for things to happen elsewhere at some other time because it just ain't gonna happen before I leave. It's particularly upsetting because since Tuesday I've had this sort of "need" for human contact. 

It's bad enough that I wasn't quite so upset by NtP trying to tickle me (I could have been very mad, but all I did was tell him to stop because it was inappropriate, not because I didn't want to be touched, which would have usually been the case). On the bus today someone behind me sometimes pulled my hair while holding on to the chair and rather than give them nasty Do you mind?! looks I wished that someone would run their hands through my hair. To be a bit too honest, I found myself re-thinking the whole Mt thing and wondering if I shouldn't give things a try just to get some action going on. I rejected the idea almost as soon as I had time to think it through, but I'm still a bit embarrassed by the fact that it even occurred to me.

Tuesday, 8 May 2012

Nasty realisation

So, my dad's sister is coming over on Thursday. It will be her birthday soon and we're making arrangements for a birthday celebration. Last night over dinner it occurred to me to get my aunt a beauty session as a gift: I can pay for a haircut and do her nails. Nothing was ultimately decided because she didn't like our hairdresser last time she came. This morning my mum told me my dad was upset by my suggestion. She pointed out I was thinking of getting my aunt a gift for her birthday but didn't do so much as buy a chocolate bar for my father's birthday last month. And she's absolutely right. And I hadn't even realised it. I mean, I'm happy to have contributed to buy our German tutor a gift, I went through great lengths to send SmTn a late Christmas gift, I want to buy AOB dinner, and I'm thinking of getting my aunt a gift but it never occurred to me to do so much as buy him a chocolate. The thought never crossed my mind. 

Even once you factor out the fact that I don't think too highly of my old man, I reckon the least I could do is be thankful and thoughtful, but I wasn't. The worst part of it is, I don't even feel guilty. It's a rather unpleasant thing to realise. My thoughtlessness goes beyond my need to reciprocate gifts. Is it because I think the old man spends too much on himself already? Is it because I resent him for being so irresponsible? Is it because I never thought too much of him anyway? He still hasn't done anything to deserve such treatment and he's quite right to be upset. But I can't think of anything to do to make it up to him. I'm not even sure I want to make it up to him. It's fucked up.

On other news... my literature professor insisted today that we get together for coffee some time. Gah...

Monday, 7 May 2012

Just like me

I've taken up the ancient version of Castle wars I used to play years ago. For no good reason, too. I just remembered it existed. Here's the thing, I've taken up a habit of over-analysing everything I do in the game.

You see, when I play Castle wars I like to play against the computer in beginner level, collect and cash in as many sorcerer cards and curse cards as I can, all while keeping a wall that's much higher than my castle. That hardly ever works because I'm not really trying to win: I'm not trying to defeat the computer or build the 100th story of my castle even when I can afford it. The computer, even at a beginner's level, knows better than to sit around waiting, and it takes its chance to win which I can't always stop. And I do keep myself from completely defeating  the computer, only subduing it every chance I get to get rid of the powerful cards in my hand. This would be a moment for a cheap psychology session if it weren't for the fact that my essay about The Master and Margarita is nowhere near done just yet.

I just realised... My revenge on my homophobic German classmates was to make a particularly large contribution to the fund to buy our tutor some gift, right? Well, I intended to give about twice what I figured the others were contributing. Except I ended up giving three times that amount because I genuinely forgot how to add up what I was supposed to get back when I gave my money. The professor will probably assume I paid for some of my classmates. Just as well, I'll still think it's money well spent. I'm just suddenly realising I'll be a tiny bit short on funds this week and I wasn't quite counting on it.

That's just mean

Finally finished the project for German class. To be honest, it's not half good. It's really very shameless that only Mt even showed up for class today. I'm not sure what to make of Mt thanking me and asking if I'd spent a lot of time on the project. I can see it as him trying to be nice and acknowledge the fact that I worked more than the others. But really, it's too little too late. It went that way with Srq too, I remember. It doesn't matter if I think you're half OK if you piggyback on  me for something that's supposed to be done by more than one person. Thanking me is useless and quite worthless. 

Walking out German class I avoided Mt by saying I had to pee, which to be fair was true. I turned left to go to the bathroom and walked past my student who reminds me of LesMisGuy. Who was with his girlfriend. And he's so sweet with her, he was wrapping his arm around her and kissing her in a "I just love you so much!" manner. All I could think of is how badly I wish that could be LesMisGuy and me. A voice in the back of my head tells me "he has it in him!" and yet everything else yells back "well, show me proof! we kissed and it meant nothing!"... before you know it I kind of want to cry. I'm hopeless..

Sunday, 6 May 2012

And now for my day yesterday

Yesterday was just horrible. Woke up, had to meet with Mt, drive to university and meet the pack of useless idiots I'm supposed to work with. We were there from 11:30am to 3pm and accomplished nothing we couldn't have done on our own. In fact, I was, yet again, the only one working. I was insulted. Mt kept showing off how pissed off he was, at JJ and at everything in genera. There's a good chance that he was pissed at how stupid he must have seemed bringing me over in the car. It didn't go over badly, it just didn't work out the way he expected it to, I'm sure. I also sort of bailed on them when JJ failed to show up for over a half hour. I noticed a shadow of someone looking at my computer screen from behind my shoulder and figured it was JJ waiting to be noticed. When I turned, I realised it was EBF. He asked how things were going and I not so subtly let him know I was miserable because my classmates were impossibly stupid and unable to function. So he asked if I'd like to go for lunch with him and N2 and I jumped at the chance. I left them with my computer and told them to work while I went for lunch, it's not like they were doing anything anyway. 

They called again around 1:30 to ask where I was and ask me to go work with them because, get this, they had done NOTHING. I shit you not. When I met them again I worked a little more and managed to get them to split up the remaining work amongst themselves. They actually wanted to split the work in equal parts leaving some for me. Hell no, I said. They can work and I'll put it all together later if they can't handle it. But I'm not doing the work of five for them. Especially since Ew skipped town and will be doing fuck all for the project. I also realised that linaThumbe2 is also homophobic. "There are so many gay men in my classes." like it's an ok thing. And then "but some of them are so gay." So fucking what?

At some point Mt tried to coax JJ into saying he's gay (he's not). And I intervened to say he shouldn't ask him to say such things when he (Mt) clearly things of being gay as something bad because it's rude. He tried to please me saying "I'm not saying it's a bad thing, it's totally cool" yeah, motherfucker... I treated them all quite condescendingly and pointed out how little they'd worked. They don't even seem to notice how useless they've been. It's unbelievable. And I just can't stand their fucking comments anymore. My revenge on them is to give a big contribution for the gift we're giving our German tutor. And doing fuck all for the weekend and only the very minimum to get things working tomorrow. 

As for my dreams last night, I had a dream about being in four story house with family and lots of dogs. I kept going from one dog to the next, wanting to let them free from the leashes they were tied to, but they could supposedly hurt each other so I wasn't supposed to. Made me remember I miss having a dog companion. Also made me remember how insulted I was that my dad forgot my little one's name. 

Ah, yes... If I may... A certain thought suddenly struck me as I thought to myself "well, N1 couldn't miss the signs, they're right there!". Here it is: I held LesMisGuy's hand and playfully caressed it with my fingers, I held his face and ran my hands through his hair while we kissed. He tried to run his hands up my thigh, even if it ended with him just caressing my hair as he wrapped his arm around me. There's not mistaking it. It just took me this fucking long to do the math and see it for what it was.

Let's talk about homophobia

Before I start, let me get one thing out of the way: I know I'm a bit too free-thinking about everything concerning the LGBT community. I'm proud of it, though I understand many people would find my views a bit radical. I haven't heard of a single argument challenging my ideas I couldn't refute, so I won't be changing my mind (ever). Never mind that. Let's assume I have some respect for people who are a bit less comfortable with it. Let's suppose I can see why they'd avert their eyes rather than cry out "fabulous!!" as I would. To each their own, I'll admit a number of things make me uncomfortable too without a reasonable explanation. I draw the line at humiliation. It's one thing to think "it's weird, I'm just not into it" and quite another altogether to think "that's different from me, it must be wrong." Judging the actions of people who are well aware of what they are and what they like and enjoy it without harming anyone as wrong because of an opinion or a belief is on its own wrong. 

Don't you dare believe this is anything like an apology of paedophilia, where the abuse is clear and homosexuality is not always involved. Don't you dare pretend that being different is some form of contagious and highly dangerous disease being forced on the purest members of society. I suggest you weigh your words very carefully before you even think of saying that people in love can affect those around them in a negative way. I ask you to consider just how unnatural it is to be one's self and how natural it could possibly be if everyone were the same. Voltaire would die defending your right to express your opinions. I would die defending equality from opinions like yours.

Here's what I've been able to gather from the homophobes I've had to deal with so far:

1. They think their belief system is infallible and must be forced onto others. They genuinely believe everyone with half a brain would be immediately swayed to their side of the discussion because their arguments are so obvious they're unnecessary and so unnecessary they're non-existent. When asked they'll sputter a different incoherent ramble every time and they will just end with "'nuff said, of course it's wrong... why can't you see it?". Well here's a newsflash for them: belief systems have been debunked since forever. Believe it or not, yours is a newer system than you'd think and has shaky as fuck foundations. Science can (and does) prove your arguments to be ill-founded.

a) (i) Homosexuality is unnatural. Like fuck it is. It's found in more species than you can count and who the fuck said the only purpose of sex is to procreate when we've had birth control methods since the times of the ancient romans? No, really. What about sterile couples? Are they unnatural unions too because they can't have children? It's just because what goes where, you say? What do you care? We've known for ages that there are plenty of ways to have sex. Who said that any which way to do it is the right way when all that matters is that all parties involved enjoy themselves safely? 

a) (ii) Imitating traits from a gender other than the one you were born with is unnatural. Why, pray? It's as simple as this: it's possible. It's easier, nowadays, but it has always been possible. We all build our identities as children. The only right question to "who do I want to be?" and  "who should I act like?" is "me." Who are you to know who someone else truly is to go judging them for their answers to those questions? Wouldn't you think they know themselves better than you? What's it to you what it looks like if it's really something else? 

b) Being different is morally wrong. Because some god said so? Well, then we're in the realm of religious beliefs and we've known for quite some time that it's very rude to try to force these beliefs on unwilling people. Even among people who believe in the same god you'll find some making way to think being different isn't really being wrong. What arguments will you use then? Some ill-translated book written over two thousand years ago? Why should you go on believing the things they believed in back then? Why not believe in what was believed long before that? Why not believe in what other people believed at the time? Why not believe that there's simply nothing wrong with being different?

c) Being different is contagious. Seriously? Wouldn't you have caught on the fact that there has been absolutely no report of contagion, ever? Is it not quite obvious by now that children hardly ever take after their parents beyond what's purely physical? Did it ever occur to you that who you are does not have to depend on who the people around you are? 

That about sums up their arguments, I think. I'd like to point out a few more things, though. For one, there's the fact that they think feminine traits are improper in men. I think this stems from the belief that women are inferior to men and that a man acting like a woman is beneath himself. Women don't get nearly as much trouble for being manly, except when they are called lesbians for being tomboyish. Because women are supposed to be a certain way and acting like men is a way for them to transgress the "natural order" of things. Incidentally, the only way women have gained power so far is by making themselves manly. So maybe there is also a fear that women will take over their power.

There is also a fear of having their sexual identity questioned just because they accept others. They're afraid of being labelled "gay" for liking anything other than the women they're "supposed" to like. I think this stems from a belief that masculine forms are ugly, underneath it all, and that they are unworthy of being loved by anyone superior to women. They hardly ever have trouble with lesbians, surprisingly. They think lesbians and women in general are there for their enjoyment, which would come from the "women are pretty, inferior objects" belief. If only they didn't think so lowly of women, the T section of the LGBT group and the feminine section of the GB part would get no bad rap. If they weren't so scared, the LB part would be less strange and dangerous. As for the I section... they're just afraid of what they don't understand, I reckon. But it's one thing to be afraid and another altogether to judge the thing that scares us. Do you ever judge a snake/a bat/a spider/a dog for frightening you? Why judge people for it?

Friday, 4 May 2012

And Hamlet makes a score

Massively annoying day today, for the most part. It started with Ew calling damn early to make me meet him and the others. I could have worked much more efficiently on my own for the independent work, thank-you-very-much. We did nothing for the project. He did nothing for the project. We had NO project by the time it was time for class. I was expecting our professor to rightly give as all horrible grades and watch it all go down in flames with a vicious pleasure. I appreciate the effort she made giving us a new deadline (Monday) to hand in the project, but I'd really rather have scored nothing for it if it meant the lazy idiots I'm working with got to suffer for it... Especially Ew. I can't stress that enough. 

I'd gone without having lunch working on various German assignments until the class, so when the class was over early I made efforts to leave as soon as possible. It sort of included asking them "well, what the fuck have you done? I know I worked, I know the other girl worked... where the fuck is your work, eh?". Sort of. I was remarkably diplomatic and cool about it. I did sort of storm out without even saying goodbye, though. JJ called and we agreed to meet at 5pm, so I made arrangements to skip class, meet with CtThumbe and L3 and arrive sometime around 5:30pm. I had lunch by myself and met CtThumbe and L3. It was ok. I made the appointment at 5:30 only to find they were ready to leave. They explained two of them had only just arrived 5-10min ago and that they'd planned to meet tomorrow. Because fuck everyone else's schedule, they have sod all to do so I must be in a similar situation, right? I told them I was really not looking forward to waking up early on a Saturday morning, leave alone to work. And disaster struck in the form of Mt offering to give me a ride and me saying yes because I felt a little cornered. 

Even after I called CtThumbe to let her know I'd meet her right away, Mt insisted on talking and stalling for a while with the excuse of "where are we meeting? should I call you?" Well, fuck. I'm very uncomfortable with this. I'm very uncomfortable being alone with him in a car for goodness knows how long. I'm very annoyed by having to wake up early tomorrow to work on the bloody project. I'm furious because Ew will be out of town early tomorrow morning and will do fuck all for the project. Very unfair given he's already done fuck all and kept waiting for me to do things for him. He's so excruciatingly incapable of working on his own, you know? And you know what really aggravated that angle? He started ranting about some girls he's working with for another project and how they'd told him pretty much everything he'd done was wrong and had to be done again. He said the whole situation made him sad. Well fuck. What did he expect? Serves him right. Shouldn't he be old enough to be learning a thing or two about himself and how to make things better? But no. And Mt made it worse siding with him and saying "fuck them bitches, you know? Just fuck them". Seriously?!

Other than that, I did go with CtThumbe and a friend of hers to a place where they could tango. I really enjoyed the music, and got to chat with CtThumbe for a bit, hopefully giving her some peace of mind. I'm just dead tired and still very annoyed by everything to do with my German classmates.

It would have broken my narrative to mention that I interrupted my work with the guys to drop a book one of my students left behind in the lost and found office. I'd left them an e-mail telling them I'd drop it off around noon, so I left at 12:30. After I dropped it off I noticed LesMisGuy walking with two guy friends on my left. I walked fast past them and did my best to ignore them and to ignore the fact that LesMisGuy quite clearly turned right to see me. I felt stupid and ugly, as is usual now, but I was surprisingly undisturbed by being close to him and hearing him talk. I stopped a few times to control my shaking while I worked once I got back, but it was hardly noticeable. Well done Hamlet. Well done. 

CtThumbe had a point though: it truly is awful to have Mt fancy me when the only one I want is LesMisGuy. 

As a rather important sidenote... it just might be that I won't be able to leave: there may or may not be a regulation against me leaving the country before my student's loan is paid off. I cannot begin to describe how unfair this is. I have to look into it. 

Thursday, 3 May 2012

This is why I don't have superpowers

I didn't see LesMisGuy after all. We got out of class 5min early, which was enough to avoid the big group of people walking through the building I have to walk through to get to the topology classroom. I did notice a group of people walking in from the right (I had to turn left) and wondered if LesMisGuy would be there but didn't really stop to look. Instead I opted for walking to class and enjoying the warm sunlight and cool breeze running through the shrubs and trees by the stone path. I thought to myself it was all right because I hadn't had an episode, but then realised I had a minor episode where I felt like my heart was racing even though it wasn't. It's as if I could only half-imagine it. The more reasonable explanation is that I got all wound up in expectation and freaked out a little after I realised LesMisGuy wasn't there, but I told myself maybe LesMisGuy was there after all, maybe he had seen me, and maybe he had cared enough to get a racing heart I was feeling telepathically from a distance. 

On a random note, NtP complimented my outfit today. I'm not sure if that's a good thing.

[8:54pm edit]
Facebook glitch, maybe? LesMisGuy shows up again. 

Wednesday, 2 May 2012

Déjà vu on the grass

Well, hello dear blog. It's me again. It's me on the grass again. It's me almost freaking out on the grass again. A couple of hours ago I decided to get out of the maths department basement while it was sunny outside. I slept for a bit (or at least rested my eyes while I let my mind wander), I caught up with glee and today's articles... all under the comfort of my trusty umbrella to provide some shade. So far, so good.. yes? I got up, decided I'd have my lunch (cold pizza) here on the grass and put down the umbrella so I could sit up. I couldn't help but be suddenly very aware of a couple on my left. They're maybe 10-12 paces away from me. There's a girl with nothing too memorable about her, and a guy laying down sleeping. The reason I'm freaking out, of course, is that this guy reminds me of LesMisGuy and I keep debating with myself whether to look again or to avoid the area altogether when I look around. After glancing their way a couple of times, I settled for writing in my computer, sure that I can't look away while I'm typing. I can't be sure if it's him or not because he has his back turned against me. The hair colour, haircut, and general build seem to be his. The white Converse tennis shoes have me hesitating. I even tried to talk myself out of it thinking "he has vitiligo, he can't go out on the sun like that... only to think "ah-ha! of course... he could be wearing sunblock or be guarding his hands with some sweater for all I know"... so, I have nothing.

Not nothing exactly, though. Ew sent a text message for all of us this morning (he's so full of crap) asking if we could get together after German class to work on the project. I'm going to lie and tell them I have to help my cousin out with maths. I helped her out on Monday and it only served to be reminded of what an insufferably spoiled brat she is. It follows that I'll be lying to her too. I'll be busy all right, typing an essay about The Master and Margarita, but I sure as fuck won't spend my afternoon with homophobes or spoiled brats. Especially since I can afford fucking not to. I'll let them idiots fail the German project assignment, it's not like I need the grade as badly as them, and my cousin will be just fine if she just mans up and studies on her own like a grown up. So there. 

Besides, writing that essay has the added bonus of maybe having something to talk about with SmTn later. I will have to catch up with my reading and topology homework assignment later.

To summarise: I might be close to LesMisGuy and very close to freaking out so I might stay here until I'm sure because I'm a masochist, glee wasn't all that good, homophobes are very not sexy, and both SmTn and Bulgakov are great. So yay for them. And yay for mathematicians who read Russian literature. And yay for the Samwise Gamgees of mathematics. And yay for diversity. Just, you know, fucking yay, all right?

[5:45pm edit]
It wasn't LesMisGuy... I think. When I looked back there was a couple, just not LesMisGuy, and not the girl I thought I remembered. It did occur to me however, that I just might see him tomorrow and I'm almost looking forward to it because I got the idea that maybe we can still meet, and maybe it was all just a misunderstanding and we could give things a try.

On another subject, I've been very self-conscious about my body odour lately. I'm not sure if it's because I'm off the birth control pills, but I can't stand myself. I thought I was fine today until I noticed on the walk home that I couldn't stop smelling onions around me and stopped to check if it wasn't me. I took of the sweater I was wearing over my t-shirt today and sniffed it but found no foul odour there. I'm a little paranoid. 

While we're talking about things that stink, Ew and Mt were pretty stinky today. So, I made up my mind: homophobia stinks. 

If I have a mind to, and the time to, I think a post relating homophobia to disrespect for everything feminine is due.

[6:19pm edit]
I might have known it would bite me in the ass. Every so often, I will indulge in typing the first letter of LesMisGuy's name on facebook search, just to see how far up the list he shows up. He's usually next to last. Today, I tried and got nothing. I wondered if he'd maybe closed off the account, so I tried his e-mail. Still there. So, I gather, he deleted me as a friend. Which is, of course, only reasonable. But it stings. Because just now I was playing the fool, getting my hopes up for nothing. Déjà vu indeed... 

[8:06pm edit]
You'd think I might have been able to get it out of the way already, but I can't stop thinking about LesMisGuy. Now I'm coming up with fantasies where he and I walk past one another but I look at him instead of cowering away. In my fantasy, I actually look at him long enough to notice him blushing and I'm brave enough to follow up the long look with words. I wish I could know he has feelings for me and call him out on them telling him he's a coward not to have come forward with them after we kissed. He must have known I have feelings for him. He simply must have. How could he not have done anything about it? He can't be that much of a scaredy-cat, he already knew I had a crush on him.

Oh... that's just fucking great. Now I feel like crying. And I can't work, and I can't focus, and I can't sleep and I'm so exhausted I can hardly function. And I can't stop thinking about LesMisGuy. And I can't stop thinking about LesMisGuy. And I can't stop thinking about LesMisGuy.