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Monday, 30 April 2012

Pat in the back for me, bitchslap for homophobes

I got together with the guys from the German class project. That would be JJ, Mt and Ew (oh yeah, I just did). I arrived at 7am (actually, 6:30am) to meet them so we could work. It ended up with me doing pretty much all of the writing and them just talking about whatever. They had to go to class. I stopped to grade partial exams. I met with Ew again. He worked on differential equations while I kept on working on the project. Mt and JJ met us later. 

The shitstorm started, though they wouldn't know, when the subject of LGBT people came up. I was vocal about how awesome and fabulous I find them to be. Ew was very vocal about how disgusting he thinks they are. I would have verbally knocked some sense into him if it hadn't been for the fact that JJ and Mt turned out to be quite disappointingly heteronormative and homophobic. Apparently, only girls are allowed to wear coloured pants/jeans and, apparently, certain shades of red just aren't fit for men to wear. Well, fuck. I didn't know they all thought so lowly of women. Not that I would have pointed it out to them. I made a point of just laughing (not exactly polite, but that's my story and I'm sticking to it) and saying "I know I'm a bit too liberal about these things but I just don't see why it would be so wrong!". They kept asking questions. Mt got especially curious. Next thing you know they're telling me what they think women want and what they think I want.

I did what I could to correct them, telling them I'm very different from my friends and that I, for instance, wouldn't like to be told I'm pretty. I told them about my Amélie compliment and all of their response to that was JJ thinking I sometimes stood in silence counting orgasms. Mt asked if I have a boyfriend. I answered no. He asked if I'd had a boyfriend. I told him the truth. He kept on asking, I kept on answering and all he got is this: I had a boyfriend long ago, both in Ctg and in Bta. I never knew what it is I liked about  him which is probably why it never worked out. Hamlet was just brilliant today. I was so cool and smooth when I told it. I didn't blush. I didn't hurry. It was cold, calculated and absolutely under control. Never delved into the SmTn subject. Didn't even mention LesMisGuy.

For a good while Mt tried to push an idiotic theory of his according to which all women are secretly lesbians. In the end, Ew advocated for how awesome lesbian porn is and I called him out on the double standards. 

It's fucked up enough that our lovely German tutor was in the table right next to ours. I'm quite sure he's gay and I would have hated him to have heard the homophobic rage being defended by the morons I was with. Absolutely appalling. I know I quite visibly avoided them. I know I made a point out of not kissing Mt goodbye or hello, though he hinted heavily at it. I know I made a point out of getting the fuck away from them as soon as possible. Let them deal with the fucking project, I know I've been working and they haven't. I know I think a little less of them now that they've insisted on being so homophobic. I know I think a little more of me for keeping my cool while coldly managing not to let anything on about D. Kudos for me. Someone get brains for them. Especially for Ew.

Look at that! One *thousand* posts of nonsense! a.k.a. Death, did you know?

Two things to point out from my dreams last night. Firstly, I had a dream about SmTn writing back (I dropped him an e-mail a couple of days ago). And then, the other dream.

AOB and I went to the cinema with a guy from school1, I pointed that out before, didn't I? Well, in my dream, both this guy and someone else (possibly his girlfriend) had died. I don't know much about the details of his death, but I remember I told AOB about it and at the time he knew nothing. But later on, it was as if AOB knew more than I did, because he had such a strange cryptic manner about him.

Saturday, 28 April 2012

I haven't the heart

N1 got back from a sexcapade. She had fun. The guy she was with had fun too. I'm happy for her and the new her who is slowly liberating herself, sexually. It's all great. But she tells me about how this guy holds her hand, and kisses her so sweetly and... well, I curl up into foetal position and cry. Because when she pushes the subject for long enough I can't keep myself from remembering LesMisGuy and thinking "we held hands, we kissed sweetly, we talked for hours, he caressed my hair, I held his face, we sort of hugged... why didn't it mean anything?!" And N1's guy...  he met her with a strawberry-flavoured lotion, they've had two dates and had significant sexual interaction during both. He gets hard just kissing her. He's crazy about her. I'm not sure how deep that runs in him. All I know is I have to keep myself from relating him to LesMisGuy because I'll want to call him a lying bastard just doing whatever it takes to get in N1's pants. Except, even if he is he's being far more consistent than LesMisGuy. N1's guy only wants to get into her pants and he acts far more interested than LesMisGuy seemed with me. Am I that undesirable?

Next thing you know I'm concocting fantasies where I'm walking around campus with EBF, we run into LesMisGuy in a way we have to greet, and EBF recognises him. In my fantasy EBF calls out to LesMisGuy and asks him point blank why he decided he wanted nothing to do with me. Even in my fantasy I'm running away from the whole thing, trying to find a safe place to hide until I can stop shaking.

Even in my fantasies all I get is a he doesn't fancy me and it's just unfair for me to like him so much. I see him and my knees get weak. We kissed, but it doesn't matter. My knees get weak and he couldn't care less. Unfair. In my fantasies I have someone else call him out and ask the questions I don't want to hear answers to. In my fantasies, I have someone to defend me. In my fantasies alone.

Friday, 27 April 2012

Self-esteem status: low

I've been so fucking self-conscious about body odour today it's getting ridiculous. I'm a bit too aware of my smell. And no, it's not that I'm not wearing deodorant. I know I put some on this morning and for just such days I carry another one in my bag and I used it again, but I still feel like I reek and I can't get my head out of the pool of "I'm so disgusting!" thoughts. Got vibes from Mt today again. Rather  than be flattered I called myself a bitch over and over and over again because I kissed the other guys goodbye and not him. To be fair, I didn't do it very enthusiastically and in the case of JJ, who wanted a hug, it was an almost rude "Ha-ha, no. I'm kissing you and that's as far as my politeness will go." He insisted on sticking around with me, was interested in the conversation we were having (though I was uncomfortable enough that I used annoying repetitions of words). When we parted ways he said goodbye and probably expected me to lean in for a kiss. I instead turned away and waved.

In the class after that I chatted with one of the other guys doing the linear algebra teaching practice. He's so nice. He noticed I had a copy of The Brothers Karamazov on the table and asked if he could look through it. We chatted a bit. When our professor noticed him with the book he mentioned having read it and I asked for his help finding the passage with the story about the Grand Inquisitor. He found it almost immediately. I thanked him. The professor and I ended up talking about Russian literature at large. Then he went back to teaching. When the class was over I was back to talking to the first guy. We stayed behind everyone else, but I'd offered the professor (or so I thought?) to show him the other books we'd been reading in class. I very rudely interrupted the guy I was chatting with so I could show the professor. I'm not even that much of a teacher's pet, I don't know why I was so rude to the nice guy. I'm beside myself. By the time the professor and I parted ways, even though he's also an  insanely sweet person, I ended up feeling like he was trying to get away from me and quite rightly.

Then I got a fit of something not so unlike Tourette's where I couldn't stop cursing in my head, calling myself a fucking bitch. *anti-yay* Told you: low self-esteem.

On other news, I've gotten compliments on my bright green metallic nails this week from L3, NtP and CtW. Who'd have thought?

And on a completely different note altogether: I had such a strange conversation with NtP today where he told me how he'd been working hard on his thesis and stopping to watch porn and log on to chatroulette. Seriously. Kind of funny people should come to me with those topics. I'm not sure if I'm surprised by NtP, though. I've also come to notice that people at the maths basement are quite free-thinking about the whole thing too. Remember the guy who was just starting with the maths programme waaay back when, who had a bit of a thing for me? He spends quite a bit of time at the basement. You can't help but hear him sometimes. Like what times? Well, like the time spoke of a burning sensation when he pees, or peeing blood. Or about how he's never been unfaithful and got a jealousy attack when he found out a girl he had a thing with was also seeing other guys. I've noticed he stares a tiny bit but doesn't dare come near me. I wonder what it is about me that gets men like him and Mt infatuated. I'm tempted to rule out SmTn with them. And I end up feeling like crap because I can't keep LesMisGuy out of that conversation with myself. So there.

Thursday, 26 April 2012

Moi? Je n'existe pas!

Coming out of the teaching practice I walked past LesMisGuy who was walking down the stairs as he chatted to some girl. As soon as I noticed him a few steps ahead I lowered my head and tried to hide behind a guy in front of me, so he could be between me and LesMisGuy as we walked past each other. Except the guy in front of me moved and I couldn't do it. I just looked down and refused to satisfy my curiosity (I wanted to look at him). For a while there, I managed to think Great. I didn't really see him and I don't think he saw me... Well, I didn't see him see me. I'm doing OK. Crisis averted. And then I started shaking and my pulse rate went way up and I cursed in my mind and started thinking in French. Moi? Je n'existe pas! Vous n'avez rien vu! Je n'etais pas là! J'ai disparu! Trying to convince myself, in vain, that he didn't see me, that I didn't look hideous because I simply could not be looked at. Oh dear... 

Wednesday, 25 April 2012

Reading

I should be reading. Or writing. I'm not doing either because I'm frozen thinking of what to draw. 

We got feedback for our short stories on Tuesday. I scored a 4.6/5.0 on mine, which is decent, but probably could be better. The professor pretended it got stuck to someone else's short story as he handed them back and gave it to me last as I got out of the classroom. I'm pretty sure that story is bullshit. He's grown into a very annoying habit of staring at me. His eyes move quickly, as if he were trying to read me and he says nothing. He just stares. It's very uncomfortable so I try to act confused and make him stop as best I can. Sometimes he will try to guess at what's the matter ("Is something wrong? You look sad, distraught.") At any rate, I don't appreciate him trying to read me. I reckon he doesn't quite succeed. I can turn into a blank page when needs be and I think I've managed just fine around him. Nevertheless, there are annotations on my short story and I don't dare read them. It scares me shitless and it shouldn't. I know I did well enough. I shouldn't be upset but I am. Fuck...

On a different note, I met Mt today during our German class. Much like the time we studied together, he bought some candy. I think he bought more than one piece on purpose to offer me some. I reckon it would have only be polite to take some, but I declined and he seemed a touch hurt. Didn't even say good bye at the end of the class. It's better this way, I think. Oh dear... How deluded am I?

I could rant about my mum nagging me to get some kind of financial aid and a job and do so many things so I don't end up owing my aunt and uncle, but I'll stop for something else that pissed me off. She pointed out that her friend's son, the guy who was born around the time when I was born, is getting so many full scholarships in England. Fuck, ma. Why bring that up? We both know I'm not good enough to earn scholarships. Why put on the extra pressure on me? I ended up crying last time we even attempted something of the sort when I first got into university. I don't need the additional stress. I don't need to be told it's costing a lot to get my education. Don't fucking blame me if it's fucking expensive. It wasn't really my choice. If it had been up to me, though I had no time to ponder and make a choice, I would have likely enough ended up in Europe. SmTn is quite right: it's that much less expensive. Plus, I'd get some independence. I know it would be hard, but I think I could manage. I'm certainly quite sick of my family these days. Everything turns unbearable around them.

That right there? Professor, you will know nothing of it. Stop trying.

Monday, 23 April 2012

Story time bei mir

Sick.


Reader, beware. I’m very sick and I’m hoping this will somehow keep others from catching what I have, though the nature of the illness is as yet unknown to me. Science has yet to take interest in my case and until it does most of what I am about to tell will have to go unexplained. 


I first noticed the symptoms when I was ten years old or so. I did not think of them as an indication that anything was wrong at the time quite simply because I was too young to even guess anything might be wrong with me. I always chalked it up to my natural quirkiness. I’m not exactly average. People around me can tell I’m different and I’ve been aware of this fact from a very early age. And what was so easy to dismiss as my natural quirkiness, you ask? Sudden attacks of tachycardia that went away before I could think of worrying about them, accompanied by longer and more elaborate than usual episodes of daydreaming. Given daydreaming is to be expected in most (if not all) children, and that the tachycardia never caused any troubles I dismissed it. I did not realise my daydreaming was out of hand until much later. In fact, it just might be that I failed to recognise earlier symptoms.


It might have been earlier still, as early as the time when I was five. If so, it might indicate that it is an illness I was born with. I can’t quite dismiss this possibility because I haven’t heard of anyone else with my symptoms. I’ll admit that may be because I’ve been too ashamed to share my experience with others. More than once people have made fun of the things I do because I’m sick and I’m particularly affected by ridicule. I’m shy and quite introverted. That’s why I know the only reason I would consider attempting to start conversations about uncomfortable topics with strangers is because I was ill or otherwise  not myself. 


Over time, I’ve noticed my symptoms getting worse. Now the tachycardia does not come on its own, but hand in hand with hot flashes, shaking hands and weakness at my knees that makes simple tasks like walking up a flight of stairs feats worthy of admiration. The daydreaming has gotten so bad I’m completely unable to function while under the influence of one such dream, almost as if I’d fallen prey to an attack of narcolepsy that left me looking exactly as if nothing were going on. When I come to, I find that it’s been twenty or more minutes and I have no recollection of anything that went on about me while I was out. No one could verify this for me and would chalk this off to my distracted nature. But I know myself when I’m distracted and I’m never quite so utterly helpless or useless.


I’m afraid that’s not all.I think I’m starting to have episodes of schizophrenic hallucinations. I otherwise can’t explain the sudden urge to run and hide as if I were being chased by someone who wanted to hurt me. Nor can I explain the strange feeling of simultaneously feeling incredibly small while also so large no one around could help but notice and stare at me. Voices in my head tell me I’m a hideous monster and must hide before I’m noticed by others, so I run to the nearest mirror to make sure I’m not in case one of these days one of these voices is right. 


Some days I feel like doing nothing but lie in bed, hoping it will make me better. But more often than not lying in bed makes it worse. While the symptoms I describe above subside, they uncover an unbearable sadness. When this sadness takes over it doesn’t take much to make me cry. It’s as if my soul let itself loose so it could jump into anyone and anything suffering only to transfer that suffering back to me until I’m miserable. Whether it’s the news, an inspiring story, a love song or a movie, the suffering in them is mine, except my soul fails to bring with it the happy endings. 


This all happens in one very long episode that may last up to four or five years. After such a long fit I go back to normal, or at least I think I do. For some time I go back to being myself and everything goes as it should. I forget that I was sick and assume maybe some coincidence of events, some miracle, cured me. I let it go.


The only warning I get before an episode is a state of mind that’s prone to sudden spurts of inexplicable euphoria. I feel more alive than ever during these spurts: food tastes better, the air smells sweeter. It almost makes me look forward to being sick. It never lasts. 

Outdated

Oxford dictionaries would stand to correct me on the use of this word, as feelings can hardly be outdated, but I can't think of a better one and you'll get what I'm talking about in a bit. Or won't. 

I went looking through old posts trying to find some ancient ones I wrote back in the days of being obsessed with D. I intended to delete them, thinking I was about done being that sick over D and could use moving on. Except I stopped to read them. And correct a few mistakes here and there. By the time I was through with both of them I realised I may no longer feel that way about D but much of what I wrote then certainly still hits a nerve when I think of LesMisGuy. I think I said it before: I didn't want to compare LesMisGuy to D. I don't think it is fair. And yet, they have so much in common from my point of view... I knew precious little about them. I gave myself in and wanted them to see me for me, so I opened up as best I could. I learned nothing new in exchange. I ended up feeling like a worthless piece of meat in both cases (and yes, I realised today that I do, officially, feel like a piece of meat after the whole LesMisGuy ordeal). 

I thought the posts were outdated. I think I'm the one who's outdated. Or maybe I'm not. Maybe love sickness is one of those timeless things... At any rate, I'm now on an "I have nothing" loop (Whitney Houston's song, though I keep switching between her performance and Chris Colfer's).





I had a dream

Well, two dreams... One is from two nights ago and featured LesMisGuy finding a way to talk to me because I apparently haven't quite cut out all options. I was actually very glad to see him make the effort. Can't remember what came of it, though.

In another, from last night, SmTn had come over and I think we lived together, as I remember putting out dinner for him and choosing things he might want to try. He had "asked for permission" to go out with guy friends. It seems a bit strange, doesn't it?

In the random department, I do remember a tiny fraction of a dream where I was in a classroom with other people and while some woman we didn't like was away, we tried to learn violin samba, which was played with wire coat hangers.

Saturday, 21 April 2012

Under control or out of control

We were given a chance to hand in the topology homework assignment today before noon. That means I was up until midnight, slept until 4am and woke up again to go on working on it until 6am. I told AOB I couldn't make it to the ceramics class and he said he might bail on the party so maybe we'll have dinner tonight. All I know is I'm exhausted. This kind of exhaustion has a nasty tendency of fucking with my brain, you know. Namely, I again had an episode of sleep paralysis. I remembered that it happens most when you sleep on your side, so I put every effort to move into another position as soon as I could regain some movement. I had odd dreams involving very graphic sex scenes of a woman having sex with two men during her period. I also had a dream where I had agreed to go out with Mt on a date and told AOB about it. I told AOB that I wanted (and was going to) kiss Mt. He compared me to CtThumbe who, in the dream universe, was planning to do something similar or had already done it. I explained that I didn't really want to kiss him, but I knew that Mt would try to kiss me and the best I could do was take control of that situation by kissing him first. I'm very sure that doesn't make any sense.

Friday, 20 April 2012

Maybe romance is dead, after all

Sorry, N1. 

I'll start off with what little I remember of my dreams last night: it had to do with LesMisGuy and facebook. Somehow, through a glitch, he was back on my friends' list and I saw updates about him and worried that he'd see something posted by me (highly unlikely, nothing ever happens on my corner of facebook). I'm not quite sure what the plot of the dream was...

At any rate, it's not why I'm writing. The news on the N1 front go as follows: N1 meets guy going out with friends and forgets old jerk. I might as well add I didn't think too highly of this one when she first showed him to me. I will guiltily admit to having told her to go with it anyway. They text a lot. They sext a lot. First time they're alone together, on a date of sorts (though not really), they almost had sex. They talked of getting serious and of taking it slow. Next thing I know all they talk about is meeting and having sex, for real this time. N1 tells me she's so into him, that he's sweet and cute because he calls her beautiful. I'm tempted to call bullshit. I settle for pointing out there are nicer compliments out there. Right now, the only thing stopping them is N1 having her period this weekend. While I'm glad that N1 is getting out there and starting her journey on the path of a sex life, proud that she will even take some initiative, I'm suddenly horrified by the fact that she used to be a hopeless romantic. 

Maybe she only just pretended to be one. Maybe she was never a romantic like I am. It would be all right if it weren't for the fact that she tries to sell bullshit like those cheap compliments as romance and I refuse to believe this is what it's come down to in this day and age. It can't be that all hope is lost. The first time they met alone they almost had sex. Shit... is that what went wrong with LesMisGuy? Was I so wrong to think he might have some understanding of romance as I believe in it? It's just awful. I'm really hopeless.

Thursday, 19 April 2012

Why is a raven like a writing desk?

Even Lewis Carroll couldn't quite answer that one. I can tell you what LesMisGuy, R1 and my little one have in common, though: I dreamed about all of them last night.

I should've written this sooner but I haven't had the time, so I'm a little sorry to say I may have forgotten key points to this.

The dream about my little one had her drowning in the fluid that build up in her lungs, and had me wondering how she'd made it so long alive. I remember she was in pain, and moving hurt somewhere near her kidneys, which I reasoned had to be because the tumours were pressing against her organs. The poor dear...

The dream about LesMisGuy and R1 is a more complex one. LesMisGuy was explaining why it didn't work out between us, except it wasn't him explaining but R1. And he wasn't explaining it as if he were a single person, but a man-woman couple. Complicated, I know. To recap: LesMisGuy somehow stood for two people, a man and a woman, and, though the reasons were LesMisGuy's, it was R1 telling me about it as if they were the same person. Now, on to what was said. The two people who made up LesMisGuy disagreed about me. The woman wanted a relationship, and was very serious about liking me. The man wanted to bang me. At one point, R1 stopped to look at me Joey-style and tell me I'm attractive and he wanted to bang me, but I'd somehow implied he wouldn't and that was a deal breaker. I think that's it, in a nutshell... 

I woke up somewhat relieved, knowing I'd finally gotten an explanation for everything, but after a while I started thinking about it some more and now I'm no longer convinced that it was such a relieving thing after all. Either way, I thought I'd mention it.

Wednesday, 18 April 2012

I want to scream

I have this strange state of mind and spirit right now where I feel like I'm holding back a scream and all I can think of is going into a fit and breaking something. I'm furious and I'm not quite sure why. Could be a number of things. 

For one, I asked my students to fill in a poll about how I'm doing. I got mixed responses, when any at all. I refuse to take the "thanks for being so nice" messages as anything more than sucking up. A few responses saying I confuse them, and that my additional exercises are absolutely useless (stress not mine) really irked me. Talk about constructive fucking criticism. You really couldn't think of speaking up before? Are they really so useless? Is it only because they're not quite like the ones they get asked in exams? Do they really think they only have to learn to pass exams? No suggestions? Why are they useless? Why do I confuse them? Am I that hard to talk to that it can't be said in a nice way? Can't help but take it personally, considering how much time I put into teaching. It really stings. I'm tempted to shout "TROLL!" and then I wonder if I'm really that bad. Damned vicious cycle. 

Another thing on my mind is the frustration of having been stuck on a fucking stupid set theory minor problem in my topology homework. I should have been done with this exercise long ago but I can't quite move past this problem and I refuse to move on until I get it done. It shouldn't be that hard!

Last thing on my mind is Mt and I'm hating every minute of it. He asked if I'd like to help him out with some differential equations problem he'd been having. I should have said no, to be fair, because I can't afford to waste the time. I said yes. I helped him out and ended up staying with him for an hour and a half because every so often he stopped  to try and make conversation. I made a fool of myself. He bought candy hoping I'd agree to eat some. I refused it with a "no thanks" because I really don't quite like those candies and because they're sour and lately my teeth are quite sensitive to acidity. I got a vibe and I didn't like it. I think he likes me and it makes me dislike him. I'm back to the regular response to this. I want to avoid him. I'm regretting spending time with him. Damn it! I don't want him to like me! 


[9:09pm edit]
Well, this is a little embarrassing. I was at the maths department, trying to work, and L3 dropped by and sat next to me. She and one of the guys who hangs out at the basement have a bit of a thing going on, and he very sweetly came over and showered her with kisses. I grimaced and I'm not sure I could hide it very well. I did my best to look away, I did what I could to ignore it, but I grimaced. I'm fucking bitter, aren't I? It's more than a little embarrassing. She might've noticed. I'm so sorry. 


On another note, one word for last night's glee performance of "Boogie Shoes": brilliant




Can't stress it enough, very fabulous indeed. Almost the only thing worth watching the episode for. I'm passing the time in a mix of both "Boogie Shoes" and "Fighter" (glee covers) repeats. 






Tuesday, 17 April 2012

Birds and memories

I remember four dreams from last night. The first I remembered, the most persistent, is of my little one. In my dream I had neglected her, I hadn't been with her inn a very long time and I missed her. I called her to myroom and asked her to jump on the bed so we could cuddle for a while. I remember looking in her eyes and seeing that they were clear. I wondered if she had somehow gottenn better over time and would somehow survive. Needless to say it's a very sad dream to have.

In another dream, I was at the edge of a forest, sitting down and holding a bag of rice. I didn't want to waste it, but I wanted to feed the birds in the forest. When I spread out some rice all kinds of birds, dozens of them, came to eat it. I was surprised when I realised it after waking up that among the birds there were eagles. 

There was another dream where I was at a mall with my aunt MT. Among she and my aunt A they were going to treat me to some present. I wanted to get a new pair of boots for my mum. 

Then, the last dream I remember is one of a serial killer who had left no trace and a group of people, including policemen and myself, trying to convict him with evidence of some form. I remember there was a big empty room, square, with a sloped floor. There were desks and chairs thrown about the room. 

Monday, 16 April 2012

I'm not saying I was right, I'm just saying I couldn't be *that* wrong

Two things to point out from my day today:

1) Mt said I looked like an elf with my boots today. I take it that it was an attempt to compliment me, somehow. He gets credit for trying to be nice. I get freaked out because I put that together with him asking if I could maybe teach him maths some time (he doesn't need it) and the Harry Potter wizard comment. I then try to reason with myself and choose to think he's a little naïve, in a very sweet way, and I dismiss him. I have only the compliment left and it is all the same quite nice.

2) I asked AOB if he'd like to have dinner next weekend. He asked if I'd like to join him to a birthday party on Saturday night but pointed out that this group of friends is more "party oriented," knowing I'd have trouble fitting in. I asked out right, he admitted to it. I declined his invitation and asked if maybe we could have dinner anyway on Friday night. He can't stay up late on Friday, but he asked if I'd like to join him for a ceramics class on Saturday morning. Maybe he can squeeze me in a fairly crowded car but he says it's a great class. We agreed I'd think about it and let him know (he had to go).

Note to self (that I may come back to these thoughts when I'm obsessing about what I did wrong with LesMisGuy): I'm pretty cool in a quirky, nerdy way. Cool enough that guys can compliment me on it and think all the more of me for it. Cool in a way that sparks up a desire to talk to me and ask my opinions on different subjects. To summarise, I'm pretty cool. Also, the real way to say "I can't make it but I want to see you" is to give more than just a "no" for an answer and a "some other time" for a possible meeting. "I want to see you" should translate to "how about ______, can we meet then?". 

I hesitated to also write: If LesMisGuy didn't appreciate my cool quirkiness then he didn't see the real me or I got him all wrong. Except then we go back to it being my fault for thinking he really might like me because he really might be all that to see the "cool" me, and then we'd be back to my self-blaming. A lamer argument would go along the lines of then he doesn't deserve me but that's hardly true: if I want him then he deserves me and that's final. If he thought I wasn't good enough for him then... well... I definitely got it all wrong, didn't I?

Might as well add that pretty much every conversation with SmTn leads back to the note to self above, but I don't quite like to compare him to LesMisGuy.

Foxes, hens and my little one

I had a dream about my little one again last night. In this dream she was in very bad shape and I wondered how she'd managed to stay alive. This dream's theory was that she'd learned to slow down her metabolism and breathe very slowly. She was the sister of a fox, also a brown hen, and  some evil factory wanted to skin a lot of foxes. I was asked to skin my little one's sister. All I ended up doing was brushing her hair. Someone insisted and pushed to get it over with already, mentioning we only needed one more fox to be skinned and I wondered why it had to be the one I knew. The fox somehow let me know it was ok and just wanted it all to be over with. I couldn't do it. I almost woke up crying.

Sunday, 15 April 2012

Shameless old man

A couple of weeks ago my sister went out with a friend to a karaoke night at a bar. They won a big bottle of beer for their efforts. They agreed to leave the bottle here. My sister doesn't drink beer, but her friend does. I assumed they'd find a time to get together and an occasion to drink it. Just a while ago, as I looked in the fridge for something to eat I realised that the bottle was half empty. I'm guessing it was my old man. Has he no shame? Did he even bother asking? Was his need to drink some beer during lunch so impossibly urgent that he would drink beer that wasn't his? Couldn't he, for the sake of decency, go without? He will offer to buy a new one when he's found out and it will be a useless waste of money because he shouldn't have drank the beer that wasn't his in the first place. He simply cannot be trusted, can he? Not with money to make good use of, not to acknowledge things that aren't his alone, not to leave some cookies/chocolates/candy for the rest of us at the house when there's a whole bag. The old man is both shamelessly selfish and incredibly stupid. Later on he'll be at odds to make meets end come the end of the month and the time when we can't afford groceries. Can't say I agree with my mum lying to him all the time, but I can see where she's coming from when she tries to save money where he can't get a hold of it. He still owes me quite a bit of money I lent my mum, money I spent on bus fares and general "getting us out of trouble" money I could have simply not have spent because we'll need it to finish college applications. He can't expect my uncle and aunt to pay for those too... 

Saturday, 14 April 2012

Suddenly remembered another kiss

I just got back from a family dinner and I was working on the nails I ruined when suddenly I remembered a piece of a dream I had. In my dream I was telling someone about the men I'd kissed, which of course includes D and LesMisGuy. Except I counted three men in my dream, the third was AOB. I even remembered how awkward it had been and how we'd finally gotten back to just being friends. I remembered ruling him out as very different from the others. It seemed so real even now remembering the dream I hesitated for a split second before I remembered it never actually happened.

Thanks, Mt

It was a miserably cold day yesterday, good thing I brought my cape with me. As I walked to German class, I suddenly realised I was 7-10 paces behind LesMisGuy, who was walking with a friend. I sometimes noticed I was walking faster than they were and slowed my pace down to remain unseen. When the first chance came to take a different direction than they had taken, I did. By the time this happened I was shaking a little and not really from the cold (I was wearing the cape). I was a bit ashamed that LesMisGuy should see me wearing the cape and he'd be a bit sorry to have made out with me, that he would judge me ridiculous, that he would think less of me and be glad to have no connection to me. I managed not to care as I made it the rest of the way to class. Mt was there, as were the others, but right now it's him I care about. Why, you ask? Because he said the cape was pretty cool and that I looked like a wizard from the Harry Potter world, even after I joked about myself saying it was hardly glamorous at all, he insisted it was actually pretty cool. And that, folks, is how you raise a girl's spirits.

Thursday, 12 April 2012

A contemplative state of mind and how it was ruined

I ended up heating my lunch in the building I was in. I couldn't find a chair, so I walked out towards the classroom I'd have topology class in. It occurred to me a little too late, since I'd already made up my mind to avoid seeing LesMisGuy, that I was probably walking towards him (or whatever class he's in before 2pm) but it was raining and it would have been a fairly long walk to any other building so I opted for moving upwards, behind buildings, to find a place to have lunch. I ended up seating by the music department buildings, where a young man was practising his guitar playing. I sat down on the floor near him. We were on the floor, him against a column, me against the wall, a faint drizzling rain on the other side. He made a few mistakes, but it was all the same very nice. The rain, the music, and the fact that when a watchman asked about the pentagrams and wanted to learn about the key of G the student explained. It made me smile.

It would have made my day if it weren't for the fact that when my parents arrived my father was in a rage screaming at my mum and cursing. When he walked by my room to say hi I didn't look away from my computer screen for long and only just waved. He asked what was wrong and I said nothing in an annoyed tone. Just how he pretends nothing happened and he can get away with being a dick is beyond me. 

Can't last a week

I would've celebrated being able to steer clear from the LesMisGuy subject in posts for even so much as a week, but can't. During today's lecture about Hamlet, even though I'd prepared to try and participate and in general not be a fucking idiot, even though the class was interesting and our professor is never ever boring, I got distracted. A very intense and almost vivid fantasy involving LesMisGuy came to mind and I couldn't help but sit there and play it in my mind and wish it had any chances of coming to happen. 

In the fantasy LesMisGuy and I start out by kissing, which turns into ever so light caresses. Eager as I am to please, the fantasy isn't of us doing anything together, or of him doing much to me. It's of me teasing him hard and then giving him a mind blowing (oh, the pun) blow job. There's a minor fucked up detail to it: once he comes the fantasy isn't over, because I want him to hug me and hold me, look me in the eyes, delicately pull my chin towards him and kiss me but the memory of how D refused to have my head near him after giving him head ruins the whole thing. I end up wondering if he wouldn't push my head down or away, and I even imagine I'd be afraid to try to give him a kiss.

You know I didn't have the russian literature class today. The teaching practice professor is out of town too. I could've done something useful but instead I wrote back to SmTn. I could be thinking of having lunch but I'm putting it off telling myself I'm waiting for the queue to microwave my lunch must still be too long. I'm still in the classroom where I'd have my literature class. I have half a mind to stay until exactly 2pm hoping to catch a glimpse of LesMisGuy on the way to topology class. Part of me wants to check a mirror before I make my mind up. The rest of me is trying to knock some sense into the stupid part of me that can't let go of LesMisGuy. 

Wednesday, 11 April 2012

I know I'm self-centered but fuck that, I need to rant

I've been missing a couple of bits of information I've been neglecting. They've collected for long enough, and they might help explain this rant. 

Not just due to a hormone change, A is a fucking mess. She's been fighting with the friends she goes out with. She gets mad at them for stupid reasons, resents them for leaving her out of reunions, and essentially is very childish about the whole thing. Mind you, these are friends from school2 who aren't exactly her best friends (a question of who her best friends really are arises and I can't answer it). Truth be told I kind of see where she's coming from when she feels left out but she's so insufferable I almost understand if she's being left out on purpose. 

She only every  other week or so fills me in on the ins and outs of how she's doing with her friends. Last weekend her grandfather passed away and both my mother and common decency required me to leave her a message, so I did. She wrote back saying it's really best for him to rest already and then moved on to say the death has been calming her down from being furious at her friends. I asked what had happened. She asked if she hadn't told me already (reminiscent of EBF with big issues, innit?) and then went on to explain what petty troubles trouble her. After that she's asked me to have lunch with her at a place of her convenience. The way she says "oh, if you come in a certain way then you won't have to walk so much :)". What the fuck is that smiley face supposed to do? Mask her fucking selfishness?

I know she only comes to me when everything else fails with her other friends. I know I'm one of her oldest friends and I'm always there for her. I know she's manipulative as fuck and thinks she's subtle about it because I don't mention it. It's not just the lunch thing. It's that I'm sick and tired of her using me as she sees fit. I don't mind it much when she doesn't require much to be done, but it's wearing out my patience as it adds up. It's rainy today. I have to carry a fucking big and heavy bookbag. Do you suppose she cares? No, she'll have me go to her because "she's on a working schedule" she doesn't actually respect (she doesn't even work when she's supposed to, and took offence at not having internet availability to waste time with... I reckon it's important, but she can spare a couple of hours for the important e-mails). If she needs to borrow a book it's me again bringing the book to her for her convenience. I even get a weak feeling that she's told me we should go to a somewhat more expensive restaurant just to "show off" that she can afford it. 

I mean, fuck. I know I might be making this all about me but it sure doesn't have to be this way, right? It's not supposed to be this way. It's just not. 


On other news, I ran into EBF as I left campus yesterday night. We talked for less than a minute when N2 rang asking where the fuck he was. He explained he'd run into me and another friend. He hung up. I said he had someone waiting for him and made to walk out. As I did, he told me we should go out for dinner/lunch some time. Yeah... not a fan of the idea. I pointed out they've taken the coconut lemonade out of our favourite restaurant's menu and it sucked. He asked if we should change locations. I said there was another restaurant we could try. I shouldn't have mentioned it. I do too often remember the shit I wish I could talk to him about, that I wish I'd told him about (like this restaurant) and then feel incredibly stupid when I realize nothing works the way it used to and I'm just adding up the waste. He asked when. I asked him to decide and he acknowledged he's the one who never has time to spare. We left it at that and as I walked away I got the distinct feeling that it was just  like when I run into acquaintances and they say "we so have to go out and catch up!" and I know we won't because they just don't mean it. 

Maybe going away won't be so bad after all.


I still owe AOB dinner.




[10:43pm edit]
Seriously?!


A's talking to me. She told me during lunch that she had to go buy clothes for the funeral because she wore a pair of black pants on Saturday (beats me why she couldn't wear them again tomorrow). Now she's all about how she bought such pretty clothes. I don't even know what you're supposed to say to that. Oh, but it gets worse. I tell her "so it wasn't all that bad" (she spoke of it as something tedious) and she goes on and on about how she had to try a million things on. Uh-huh. 

Sunday, 8 April 2012

I have issues... you already knew that

I have the most unreasonable fear of fucking up. More so in public. I'm still very ashamed of how I fucked up when given the chance to teach a big class with another two teaching practice classmates. So much so I've refused to answer our professor's last e-mail asking if we'd like to take over again. Maybe the other two will. I don't want to make a fool of myself again. I had a dream where I didn't want to teach the class but one of my students made me end up going. I wasn't going to do much, but I ended up helping teach a little. Except there was some other girl, and it was her who fucked up getting the students confused. Some guy was asking about how you'd know that a certain polynomial had integer roots and she made a reference to some theorem that can locate eigenvalues within disks in the complex plane that were bound to contain integers. I was glad it was someone else fucking up and confusing them. But then again, when it was my turn to do some silly calculation I got a little lost. It's only too good we ran out of time then and there. What an awful dream....

I remember another dream, one where I was looking for some sports shop but on the way there I stopped at restaurants and asked for cooking lessons. They weren't fancy restaurants, just the kind that serve lunch on a daily basis to whomever works near them. I remember that the last one I asked in offered an unreasonably cheap price for classes. They just looked at the money on my hand and offered classes based on that. I asked who would be teaching me and they said it was some girl who'd graduated as a chef in one of the local academies. I don't remember much else about this dream.

There was another dream where I'd been cooking desserts for my cousin's wedding. Really, I just had quite a few left over from something else and I just put them together for some reunion or other. There were desserts made by someone else too, and my aunt complimented these last ones. After a while she pulled me to the side and told me that the desserts were a huge responsibility and she was thinking of hiring them elsewhere. 

Possibly in another dream, or in the last one, I was also with my cousins. In this dream I was in school1 and people kept making me walk around. They told me to walk in high heels but I refused. They asked me to compromise wearing not so high heels but I refused again. Strangely, when I walked without any heels on my pants' hem went up to my breasts and folded a little at my feet with the excess fabric. I was trying to be menacing and rebellious about not wearing the heels. 



I'm now addicted to Gotye and Kimbra's "Somebody That I Used to Know."



Friday, 6 April 2012

*Swoon*

Just got an e-mail from SmTn. He's answering my e-mail where I sent him my essay about Crime and Punishment. He had very good counterarguments to prove a good deal of what I said was in fact quite wrong. He made a point about how the book was really about love and how much he liked the happy ending. 

More than underqualified

CtThumbe said she'd like to ask me for sex advice. Goodness... I'd love to be of help, but I'm horribly underqualified for this sort of thing, aren't I?


[8:35pm edit]
I wonder... do you suppose I'm trustworthy, or at least seem trustworthy? Because I've been doing the math and there's quite a few girls who've asked for sex advice from me, even though they all know I'm far less experienced. Is it because I'm more knowledgeable? I don't know... I don't suppose I am, and at best, with my limited experience, it's all I can do to repeat the things I believe in my heart to be "right" and "forward." Even if I can't bring myself to actually live by the standards I preach, I have to try and make a case for sex as a positive thing, not one to be ashamed of, not something given away and lost forever. It strikes me, then, that even though I'm a little broken myself, sex-wise, my friends seem to have it worse off. I can convince myself of the things I try to preach. I can't break through to them. It's horrible because I wish I could do more to help when they feel shitty and I can't. 


I have self-esteem issues of my own, and we won't be delving into that here and now. Suffice it to say that I wish I knew more, I wish I knew better. I wish I could actually be of help and say words that will get through to them and encourage them. Maybe some of that would somehow end up helping me out, I don't know... 


On another note, talking with CtThumbe about men inevitably (ok, I could have helped it because I'm the one who brought up the subject) brought up LesMisGuy. CtThumbe offered a different explanation, one I don't think I'd even bothered to consider up to this point. I'm still not quite buying it, as there are still a few issues with this theory, but it's worth considering officially on the blog, I guess... Out with it, then: she said maybe he didn't want to get too attached knowing I'd be gone soon. I wish I had reason to think he'd get too attached. I wish I had reason to think it all meant a lot to him. I'm afraid I can't quite believe he'd go all the way to kissing me and only then deciding he'd rather not follow through. Would he really have me believe he's not interested because he actually is? Wouldn't he attempt to explain and excuse himself? If he actually cared all that much, would he knowingly hurt me without even trying to ease it out? It doesn't make a lot of sense, and doesn't really make my mind easier. But I'd be a very unfair judge if I didn't obsess about every crazy explanation. 

Thursday, 5 April 2012

Freudian bits of dreams

Odd dreams last night. I can't remember much of them, though. Here goes:

In one dream I was with a professor, babysitting an exam (topology, perhaps?) and the professor poured wine for the students, except that when he got to the last girl there was nothing left and he just left it at that. I felt that it was rude and fetched another bottle to pour her some wine too. 

In another dream I was waiting for someone out in the streets and it was raining. I was with CtW. I remember pulling a big umbrella when all she had was an umbrella hat that could barely cover her head. She placed a bet in a booth nearby. Can't remember what for.

In another dream, EBF started talking to me. 'nough said.

In another dream I kept seeing a scene being played by Leonardo Di Caprio and Kate Winslet on the Titanic (thanks, Nat Geo). They were supposed to be having sex and I debated with someone on whether or not they were actually having sex or just pretending to.

I think that's about it.

Tuesday, 3 April 2012

R.I.P.

Seems appropriate enough a title: one of AOB's cats passed away last Friday. He told me today. I never had much to do with his cats, and I know cats are hardly like dogs, but the cats mean a lot to him and I'm quite sorry for his loss. Rest in peace, little M. 

AOB asked me if I'd like to join him and others to watch The Hunger Games. I said yes. We watched the movie, had very little time to chat, and when the movie was over we chatted another tiny bit and then my parents picked me up. We gave AOB a short ride home. The news about his cat was brought about in the best casual tone he could manage, I figure. I did intend to ask about the cats, as I didn't see them at his house and I knew she'd been sick since December. I didn't know how sick she was or how horrible life was for her in her last days. AOB pointed out she couldn't even walk any more. It's just awful. I had a somewhat expectable response and pointed out that tumours in cats have a higher risk of being malignant. Go me... 

I'll jump over the comments on the ridiculous Lady Gaga costumes in the film to make a parenthesis. I noticed EBF is online. Has been online most of today's afternoon. Since he's out of the city for a while and I figured he'd be in some party or other every day while he could, I asked if he shouldn't be out in some party or other. He says he's not, that today is a day to take it easy. I asked if it's because it's a Tuesday. He wrote back saying there's no partying history, or something along those lines. I read "I party whenever I feel like it, I don't feel like it." Maybe his response wasn't as dry as I read it. I can't even attempt to follow through and change the subject. I considered doing so, but then gave up on the thought. Maybe I was way off the mark asking about him partying. I definitely shouldn't have bothered trying to talk to him. I thought I'd learned. What the fuck happened?

Back to AOB. I wanted to point out he insisted on paying for my ticket. I said I'd buy whatever we were eating at the theatre, but then he paid for that too (popcorn and a bottle of water for him, a bag of m&m's for me). I told him I owe him dinner. And I do, I'd like to do one nice thing for him while I have the money to spare. I'd just like to thank him properly, if only on the blog (maybe I'll send him a message too in a bit). While I could linger for a split second on the thought of why I blushed when I said out loud "I owe you dinner" as he got out of the car when we dropped him off, I won't. I'd rather point out it's rather peculiar that my relationship with him is not so unlike my relationship with CtThumbe: in both cases it's a back and forth "here, I'll get that for you." I could attempt to ruin it and go into too much detail trying to figure out the reason why. I know I'd end up trying to turn it into something horrible where we don't do anything out of trying to be nice but some odd sense of duty and I'd rather think they're nice. 

Petty again, sorry

Remember N1? I can't say if things are going well with her guy. On the one hand I was thinking he only wanted to sleep with her and couldn't possibly be serious about anything else. On the other hand, he's showing remarkable levels of commitment even though there's no promise that N1 will be that good in bed (just yet). He's still texting her. Even though she's a huge drama queen. Even though she comes up with the lamest lines. 

She speaks of him owning parts of her. She speaks of wanting to have him all for herself. She pretends he's disappeared for days on end when he takes longer than a few minutes or hours to get back to her and then she acts like they're telepathically connected because he'll text her just as she's about to text him. She's falling for him, telling me she likes him so much. 

I'm tempted to dismiss her feelings as horniness turned into fake love through delusions. I'm tempted to dismiss everything he's doing as whatever comes next to get into her pants. I want to believe nothing can work between them because from my very idealistic point of view they seem to be doing everything wrong. I want to believe it takes doing things right to get things right. And yet so far it looks like it's going to work out between them.
I can't help but go on wondering: why didn't it work out between LesMisGuy and me? Why? Why? I really can't wrap my head around it. If I'm at fault for having been a bit too girly, I wasn't quite so girly after all and it was just the one time when I tried to start that stupid last conversation. What did I do wrong? What is it about me? Why didn't he even try to talk to me later? N1's guy got blueballed and he keeps on trying. EBF told me I couldn't have blueballed LesMisGuy and I will take his word for it. Is it because it didn't get so far? Why would he give up on insisting until we did go that far? Was it somehow evident that I'd never have sex with him, even though I totally would? Is that it? Is it all about sex? How could it be? Am I that boring? Why didn't he like me? What about me makes me so not worth it?

Something about the sea

I know I've been having dreams about being at the beach and the sea lately, I just haven't gotten them written down. Last night's dreams I do remember. Sort of.

There was one where I was in school, in some kind of science class. We were given spheres with different patterns of crystallised something clear on them, might've been water, might've been a number of other things. I was initially working with EBF. We were supposed to classify the stars we were given according to a picture. It seemed a bit silly. EBF got into some kind of discussion with Vc where he ended up tossing one of our stars very far away into the water. The water was split into two parts. A smaller pool with a "bottomless" hole leading down to the big part, and the big part was just the regular sea ending up in little keys with mangrove borders. EBF had tossed the star into the big bit, not far from some mangroves.

I was later in a group with N1 and didn't see more of EBF. We had set out to collect the stars because we had none, but we couldn't find any. When we figured we might as well try to find the one EBF had thrown out I remember finding a lot of forgotten old trinkets instead. I was tempted to take a pair of earrings back with me. When the time was up we had none of the stars and nothing for a grade. Our teacher said she just wanted us to classify the stars, that it would have been an easy grade. I asked if it wouldn't be considered cruel to collect stars like that just to let them die. I think that's all for that dream.

In another dream I was with A and her family and dogs. Her dogs had just become fathers and she and her family were looking after three pups, one of them a baby girl pup. She was particularly frightened and needed company. In the end I somewhat reluctantly volunteered my family to take care of her, as she needed the kind of care we gave my little one. I know I was taking my going away into consideration, as I wasn't actually counting on staying with the dog.

There are two more dreams to remember. In one there was a lunch at the cafeteria of school1 to celebrate a new headmaster coming. My topology professor was there. I can't remember much else. In another dream I walked through empty and rather poor streets hoping not to get mugged as I got somewhere.