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Friday, 30 March 2012

Sorry, I'm feeling petty

So, um... sex. Do bear in mind that it's the sexually-liberated-prude-me who's talking here.

Remember N1? Things happened today. Quite a lot. Unlike A, N1 had the sense to enjoy herself. Not quite to go ahead and reciprocate, just like A. To the extent to which I dared ask and she was willing to answer, I gathered enough information to get me thinking. 

Is it not at least a little peculiar that she was so ready to let this guy touch her and I instinctively acted out against LesMisGuy ever-so-lightly running his fingertips up my thighs? Is it not also quite peculiar that both A and N1 were so averse to reciprocating while I'm only too willing to give it my all once it gets to that point? It's just that I can't quite allow myself to get there, it seems. Is that what's wrong with me?

Is that why LesMisGuy disappeared?

And, you know, I tell N1 I'm proud that she stopped things when she did because she was uncomfortable. I haven't told her, but I'm also quite proud of how liberated she was while it lasted. She really enjoyed it. I can't say I felt the same way with D. I can say I was really liking what was going on with LesMisGuy. I can't say why I stopped him. I don't know why I stopped him. I tell myself it's not supposed to matter, but I keep wondering: what if it did?

I can feel the connections being made in my brain even as she tells me. She was used to guys not talking to her after making out. She's making a huge deal out of him talking to her now. I almost want to tell her he's a liar and he can't mean anything good. And then I realise: I kissed LesMisGuy and nothing ensued from that but silence... I'll. be. damned.

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