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Wednesday, 29 February 2012

Vengeance might be a tiny bit like feeling stupid, I'm not sure anymore

You'd think having to write essays and whatnot would come easily after writing so much for the blog, but it's not. I had a fleeting good idea, of the kind I think is so good I'll remember it later except I completely forgot what it was, just like I can't remember yesterday's soundtrack which was some classical music concerto. 

I'm quite exhausted, andn it doesn't seem to matter much how much I manage to sleep or not. I give up working to sleep, and then wake up as if I'd stayed up working, except I have only all the work to do because I did none of it. My students are still doing terribly. I still can't seem to get them interested. My parents are still being very annoying about the whole going away thing and I'm still evading the subject. I continue to think of LesMisGuy a lot. I smiled at SmTn's e-mail yesterday. I've given up on improving old  grades because I haven't the time to put in the extra effort. I haven't even looked at the commentary on my literature assignment grades. I'm coming to, and I was a bit evasive of Mt today (it helped that lTM was there too). The man teaching two of my literature classes seems to have taken an interest in me and it makes me uncomfortable. 

No amount of just staying the fuck away seems to help much, he'll follow me and stand around next to me during class. The old man's a flirt, it just doesn't sit right with me, even if he's mostly just being nice. He told me to say goodbye before I leave and have a cup of coffee with him. Where do you suppose he's coming from, asking for such things when he's known me for all of maybe 1 hour?

I'm supposed to write an essay about Clytemnestra and Hecuba. In my defence, I did manage to read quite a bit of Nussbaum's words on the subject of Hecuba. I also borrowed a book about women in Greek tragedies but I haven't gotten around to actually reading it. I'm not sure where the essay is headed just yet.

I'm supposed to read some incredibly boring texts about teaching standards and whatnot but I'm on the verge of not being able to bother. I ought to, though, because I'll piss of the professor if I man up and tell her she was rude to students.

My old man won't make a lot of money this month. He's relying on me to use up my birthday gift money to get by. I let my mum about a third of what I had and I've spent bits at a time getting by. I intended to use most of it on SmTn's gift. It's a good thing I didn't let my sister spend a penny, she must have quite a bit saved up in her bank account still. 

I still think of LesMisGuy a lot, have I mentioned that already? It seemed to me that Nussbaum's text about Hecuba's vengeance often seemed to apply too my situation with him, something to do with the whole nomos business. Or maybe not. I'm more likely than not pushing it. 

I half-expected to see him today after German class, but didn't. I hardly managed to say goodbye to Mt and JJ. I noticed a young man who looked quite a lot like D (which I believe is pretty much impossible) as I walked out of class and realised I felt absolutely nothing. Very likely on account of it not being the real deal, but I'd like to believe it's thanks to the fact that I'm by now quite over him. Maybe. Except for the bit where I think I'm seeing people who look like him. Very strange indeed... And LesMisGuy? Do you suppose he thinks of me? Ever? Why on earth do I even bother...?

Monday, 27 February 2012

Just my luck

I had to be early to university today to hand in the topology homework I forgot to hand in on Friday to avoid having to be early today. To make the most of it, I intended to make a stop on the way to university and buy the book for SmTn, but my mum arrived before I managed to go out and gave me a lift to the bus station, rendering my intentions useless. I settled for asking in the university bookstore if they perchance kept a translation for sale and made my way to university.

I ran into ThPr at the maths department and we chatted for a bit. It would seem my students are doing far worse than the average linear algebra student, which is just horrible news. ThPr asked me to send him a clean copy of my thesis as soon as I ask for corrections and make them, which is a fair enough request. I handed in my homework and went to the building I'd have German class in. I had over two hours before the class started, so I sat on a chair in the balcony and set to reading "Crime and Punishment." After a while, other people came to the balcony, including a smoker, and I chose to move. I moved and took a while to drink the tea I'd brought with me with a bag of chocolate chip cookies. I noticed a guy who looked like my student who reminds me of LesMisGuy and even as he walked by I resolved to move again, this time to go to the bathroom and avoid seeing him in case I should have greeted him (I wasn't wearing my glasses). After going to the bathroom, I sat in front of the classroom we'd have class in, and I still had a good 45min before the class began.

I read for maybe 5min when I made up my mind to go buy some gum and take a look in the bookstore. I walked out and made my way to where I intended to buy gum. At first I couldn't cross the street to the store because there was a very slow moving truck in the middle of the way and I do, as a general rule, avoid getting in the way of cars and was waiting for it to pass. When it did, I swiftly crossed the street and made it to the hallway store only to realise LesMisGuy was there with two friends, about to make a purchase. My heart raced and I did what I could not to blush. I avoided looking at him and in the most childish possible way did what I could to stand so that his back was against me and he wouldn't take notice. He probably did. Nevertheless I didn't greet him and he didn't greet me and there was no eye contact. The vendor may have noticed I was uneasy because he gave me a look. I bought the gum and after a quick look walked in a direction opposite to the one I intended to walk back on because I didn't see them there. 

I wondered if it would seem like I was following them. I wondered what the odds were that they'd be right there when I arrived, given I could've chosen to go out for gum much later.  I wonder if he saw me. I wonder how fat I looked today. I wonder how come I didn't see him once for such a long time and suddenly I seem to run into him quite so often. I... never mind...

The book was not in stock (it never is, apparently). I'll have to look elsewhere and I'm starting to realise I don't have an awful lot of time if I'm to send the gift with CtW's boyfriend. I must make haste. I sat down in front of the classroom again and read. Mt arrived a short while before the class began and struck up a conversation. lTM and JJ never made it to the class, so I talked to Mt quite a bit. It seems to me more and more like I might be right about him having a crush on me, and now it's starting to make me uncomfortable. Can't help but notice that interest does, indeed look like interest, and not whatever the hell LesMisGuy showed/felt. It's kind of the way it was with SmTn that way: I know the real thing for what it is "straight away," so to speak, and then curse my luck and curse my stupidity for falling for LesMisGuy knowing that wasn't quite it.

Even if I dismiss it as a childish thing, even if I brush it off as a silly idea, I'm suddenly thinking it leaves me in a very uncomfortable position indeed because I may or may not be leading him on if only a little. I can't say I can explain it by anything other than wanting the attention and indulging in it, pretending we're just making polite (and somewhat interesting) conversation. It makes me a horrible person: LesMisGuy doesn't want me but I keep running into him so I'll pretend to give Mt a chance? On what grounds exactly? To make LesMisGuy jealous?

I'm being ridiculous and would mock myself if I didn't find I'm making all of these rationalisations after the facts and can't help but play along in the then and there moments. Fact of the matter is, LesMisGuy doesn't like me, so I wish someone did and Mt is just convenient. It's a vicious way to feed one's ego, isn't it? Even more vicious yet when I wonder stupidly if the girl LesMisGuy was with today was perhaps a girl he'd be interested in (or, why bother beating around the bush? what if it was his girlfriend?). An objective recollection of the events tells me no more than they're friends, and as I remember it was his other friend making the remarks, asking if the girl was somehow "addicted to junk food" or something along those lines. I don't think LesMisGuy said anything at all, except ask the vendor for something (am I right to remember a pack of cigarettes? or were those for someone else?). I wondered if he was silent on purpose. I felt like an intruder and a stalker when all I wanted was to buy a pack of gum.

I felt like an idiot, and still do, because I'm trying to excuse my luck somehow so it doesn't seem to myself that I followed them there. I had now way to know they'd be there. I couldn't even see across the street because the truck was in the way. I couldn't have known he'd be there. I could have chosen a different time but didn't and it was on a whim that I went out when I did. Running into him shouldn't feel like it was something that can be blamed on me and yet that's what it felt like. Having to hide from him as best I could(n't) made me feel ashamed goodness knows of what and whenever I'm ashamed I figure I have only myself to blame for having done something foolish. 

I'm now torn between wanting to look good tomorrow in university or trying to look like crap. If I look good and I see LesMisGuy, then I'll have the comfort of knowing I looked good, for however little that's worth. If I look like crap then I'll hope to be quite invisible. If I try to look good, will that lead Mt on? How evil would that be?

Sunday, 26 February 2012

I see you haven't left me, pettiness

Goodness knows why I bother... 

Friday night, while I waited for traffic to get better before leaving university, I stuck around the library and turned on my computer to listen to music, which logged me on to messenger. EBF asked if I had time to spare, I said I did, and he had me fill in a very poorly planned survey about women's hygiene products. Admittedly, I was rather mad at the fact that he only reached out to me to help him fill out the stupid survey and I lashed out telling him how badly made it was. I left it at that and then left without bothering to say goodbye (though I considered it).

I don't suppose he's started a conversation with me all this time... not a proper conversation. And we're not even talking about making plans to go out or anything. We just don't talk. I gave it a try today, telling him about the dream I had where a war captain marched somewhere and intended to eat his soldiers upon arrival. He just said he was busy. I said nothing.

I feel just like I did when I tried talking to LesMisGuy a long time ago and he shot me down saying he was busy. It suddenly seems to me that any interest anyone would have in me would necessarily have to be very shallow, and quite worthless. Imagine why that would be?

Saturday, 25 February 2012

Too many greek tragedies

I had a dream where a king was marching with his army. Every time he lost one of his men, he'd be chopped up and made ready to be part of a banquet they'd have when they arrived wherever they were headed. So there... 

On other news, something CtThumbe said yesterday has been gnawing at me: what if LesMisGuy had a gf?

While I'm up, let's catch up

I realised I haven't really talked about the guys I studied with for the German exam, and I'm starting to believe I should. So here goes...

There's three of them. Let's call them lTM, JJ and Mt. lTM and JJ are political science students, while Mt is an economy student. They're all on average on their 4th-5th semester in university. I had to work with them in a group activity once and since that day they invited me to study with them and have stuck around with me after class to chitchat for a bit. 

Girls first, lTM: she's very religious, and quite a bit oddly religious at that. I laughed out loud at how a fairly large picture of Jesus stands right where her cleavage would be. She laughed it off too, I didn't mean to be mean. I just figured it was funny to meet pervs with a "Hi! I'm Jesus!". I introduced her to Les Luthiers and she liked them. She speaks so very many languages. She seems to get along best with JJ, but it's mostly a "give it a rest already!" relationship. As I figure most of his relationships are. 

He's needy but wouldn't admit to it. He craves attention, he's very sociable but only in the kind of way that doesn't really allow for lasting friendships. He reads quite a bit and told me he was reading Ulysses in some kind of seminar with a man who knows a lot about the book. He constantly annoys lTM half-joking about having a crush on her. He's half-serious just about all the time, come to think of it. He will admit to everything and anything and wait for a reaction before he declares it was just a joke or that he was, in fact, serious. He's a bit manipulative, but smart about the façade. Prime example of that? He teased Mt once telling him he wouldn't steal me away from him. He was toying with the idea that Mt might have a tiny crush on me, which I've picked up on too. 

Which brings us to Mt. The duller of the three, at first sight, he's a bit on the shy side and tries very hard to stay the nice guy. Just yesterday he kind of fucked up when JJ teased him and asked if he'd go to some strip club or something later in the afternoon. He said he was too innocent to know what JJ meant. He could guess all right, he just wouldn't admit to it right then and there. I picked up on the crush vibes sometime when we were told to work in pairs and I noticed him blushing furiously at nothing at all. I managed to be cool about it. Even if I'm right, I think I can still be cool about it. 

There's something almost childish about him (about them all, really) and they're all so easily impressed (of all people, by me) that I can't quite take any of them too seriously when they think so highly of me. They're all very nice, that's not the point, what I mean is that I feel old. And they're only just 2 years younger than me or so. 

Dream of a family reunion

Apparently, I forgot to turn off the alarm I set for Saturdays to babysit my students' exam...

While I'm up, I figured I might as well keep track of the one dream I remember from last night. In my dream I'd invited LesMisGuy and a friend of his to a family reunion that started at my uncle's place. EBF was there too and toyed with a bottle of expensive albeit disgusting looking liqueur: it moved around like oil in the bottle and had a very thick substance in the bottom, not so unlike gooey sand, except it was black with golden flecks. When I read the ingredients list and asked about the ingredients in the goo LesMisGuy's friend volunteered it was some kind of precolumbine food or other. From my uncle's place we left too some museum or sorts. I believe there were trivia games and a contest. We were split into groups and I stayed away from LesMisGuy, feeling a little miserable at how stupid an idea it had been to bring them along, though I knew they must have been having a good time. 

When it was all over, and I wouldn't know how things turned out for us, I was sitting on a bus next to LesMisGuy (he was on my right). I was feeling awkward. He suddenly put his head on my shoulder. At first, very timidly, until he knew that I didn't mind. That's where he really nested his head against my shoulder and neck, and even took a brief pause from that to turn my head and kiss me before I had time to talk myself into thinking "this doesn't mean anything."

There was something about a mouse that sneaked into my uncle's apartment. It looked cute, so, rather than attempt to kill it or hurt it, I just insisted on scaring it away, under the door it came from.

Thursday, 23 February 2012


Nope, not LesMisGuy-related: I had the most horrible nightmare last night. 

I had a dream where my little one was alive, but very sick. So much so that she'd lost sight on one eye, which looked different shades of red and white in uneven stains across the iris. She had a rash on her belly, and breathing was starting to become difficult. I remember doing something to her that involved some sharp object or other, trying to fix her and make her better. Kind of like when you drop something and try to fix it. Except I made her worse, just like when you ruin something trying to fix it. Exactly like that, but in my case that meant I killed her. Or at least accelerated her death. It was awful. Awful. 

Just before waking up again I had another dream about her. A more peaceful one where I fed her pop corn but was afraid it would somehow make her worse because in this dream too she was ill.

Wednesday, 22 February 2012

I knew it! FUck!

All day today I sat hiding, waiting, looking out, extra aware that I might see LesMisGuy any time, anywhere today... all for no particular reason. I went to German class, walked out with the two guys I studied with last week, ended up walking with just one of them. And there he was. LesMisGuy was walking straight at us. I waved and hoped to just walk by. He said hi and leaned in for an air kiss. Then he walked on. I did my best not to let on how I felt. I tried not to look flustered, not to shake, not to run. I don't suppose the guy I was with noticed. I hope LesMisGuy didn't notice. Oh dear... to think the first thing I did was run into a bathroom to see how I looked. To think it does not at all matter... To think I'm still shaking...

[5:47pm edit]
Do you suppose it was awkward? Did I even notice what he looked like other than his usual gorgeous self in a white t-shirt, black sweater, jeans and glasses? Did he notice I was wearing perfume? Did he put his hand on my shoulder to greet me? I can't fucking remember. Was he surprised? Was he uncomfortable? Could he not just have waved and kept on walking? Did he absolutely have to lean in for a kiss? Was it a conscious choice, that of leaning in for a kiss or was it purely mechanical? Did I wave too late so he was stuck having to kiss me? Were we supposed to stop and talk? We didn't even say goodbye! What did we say, other than "hello"? Could I be any less cliché? How about if I admit that my knees were wobbly as I walked down the stairs to go catch a bus to get here? Scheiße, eh?

[7:57pm edit]
... Aaand it gets worse. Now all I can think of is that the last time LesMisGuy and I met face to face we kissed. And I want to kiss him again. So. very. badly. I also want to cry a little and I feel stupid a lot though I can't quite explain either.

Tuesday, 21 February 2012

Wishful thinking only meets me half-way

Some revision of old blog posts reveals wishful thinking, especially regarding LesMisGuy, turned out to be at least a tiny bit premonitory. I suppose it's upsetting, then, that these wishful realities I stumble upon are no better than dreams. They have no lasting consequences, and when they do come to happen I'm horribly underprepared to recognise the opportunities for what they are and make the best of them. 

I say I wish he'd wait for me after an exam so we can talk over coffee? He seems to wait for me after an exam and it pretty much amounts to nothing. I fail to live up to what I wish for. Even then, you'd have to admit that if I put in effort asking him out and trying to talk to him he's supposed to do the same if there's to be any kind of reciprocity and desire to make things move forward. I still can't wrap my head around how kissing, rather than turn into something more definitive, just made everything that could have been going on between us vanish into thin air. It's bad enough that I'm too discouraged to attempt asking him out again. My not-that-good-to-begin-with self-esteem is still crushed.


I suppose I'll never get it. 

On another subject, I ran into Ch on the bus today. We ended up talking the whole ride even though I'd taken out "Crime and Punishment" to read. He insisted we should go out some time with EBF and his cousin. Ch doesn't seem to factor in N2. He doesn't seem to factor me in, either. He said he's told EBF about going out and EBF doesn't call him. He apparently won't take the hint. I couldn't say no but I'll just shut the fuck up and wait for it all to crumble before it takes form. I had the very distinct feeling that Ch is just looking for anything that moves to bang. I don't want to be anywhere near him when he finds it. 

Be that as it may... I really have a lot of reading and writing to do. I will be too exhausted by the time this week is over, won't I?

Monday, 20 February 2012

Daughter of Scrooge

I really do all I can to not fuck up like my parents, don't I? I suppose that's misdirected: I really do all I can to not fuck up like my dad does. 

I'm not sure if I mentioned it before, and I won't be bothered to look just now, but Saturday afternoon I was out with my mum buying late Christmas presents. I wrapped them up as best I could in secret and then handed them out in bags to my uncle and aunt. I don't suppose my dad noticed. I don't suppose he knows even now. My cousin (youngest one) sent a text message to thank me for being so special. I reckon my uncle figured my dad knows nothing about the gifts and inferred it was me who bought them. I can only hope everyone liked theirs. Mum would be proud, except for the bit where I can't think of anything to write back to my cousin. "You're welcome."? "You're welcome. Glad you liked it. :)" It's out.

Another major fuck up by my dad? It would seem we're still hiding from banks. I picked up an unfortunate call from the collectors this morning. I know we're in the wrong owing the banks money in the first place, but I very much dislike their collecting methods. The people on the phone are quite rude and don't even introduce themselves properly. Can't wait to start making proper money. As soon as can be, I'm paying off my student loan, chipping in for my sister's tuition and I'll even try to pay their debt. Goodness knows the stubborn old mule would sooner go on hiding than pay a penny and mum doesn't deserve the angst. Her eyes get watery whenever money problems come up. She offered to pay me back the Christmas presents with money she doesn't have (and won't be coming into any time soon). I need to start making proper money. Soon.

Sunday, 19 February 2012

Behind schedule

With yesterday night's birthday dinner party and buying Christmas presents for relatives, I managed to so zilch all day. I woke up quite early today and rather than get to work I decided to catch up with television shows. Rather than just enjoy them and take that as a proper rest, I let my mind wander. Next thing you know I'm thinking about LesMisGuy. It should not take me this long to stop thinking about him already. I have enough evidence to tell myself to just give up. I've even managed to do without him in my contacts list. But every so often a photo comes up on my facebook newsfeed and I'm tempted to look. Very often I end up wondering if I'll see him again, this time up close. Moreover, I'm now wishing to see him. And not just from a distance. I want to talk to him. I fantasise about him coming up to me and asking if I'll join him for a cup of coffee. I fantasise about him surprising me with a light shoulder squeeze. I wish I had reasons to believe he could do any of the above. I wish there was even a tiny chance that he could want me and would try to do something about it. I know better. I'm behind schedule getting over that stupid night, that foolishly life-like daydream. 

Friday, 17 February 2012


Few things...

I had a dream about SmTn last night. In my dream he was coming here, with a relay in Ctg, and I'd planned a dinner party. I invited EBF to the dinner party and he cut a trip to a country house short just to make it. He'd already paid good money to spend more time there, and I could tell he'd gone through great lengths to make it. I'm not sure why he'd do it, though. SmTn arrived and I made to go pick him up with my mum and my aunt MT. He called my mobile phone to let me know he was there. In the end we didn't manage to arrange a proper dinner party. He was late. When we did meet he was only slipping out of the girlfriend's sight for a short while. She'd come too. As had other friends of his. I was quite surprised when I didn't get so much as a hug when we met. When we were done eating I walked with him to a bus where his friends were. The girlfriend had gone missing. I acted worried and looked around for a short while, worrying that the language barrier could be a problem. But then I forgot about it until much later when I felt guilty for not caring.

SmTn was online quite early this morning. I would have loved to talk to him properly but I was fairly busy in Pentagono and then the guys in my German class came by to "pick me up" so we could study together for today's test. When that happened I didn't really manage to pay attention to him properly and I feel awful for it. In honour of the fact that I've had "Sunshine... on my shooouldeeers, makes me happyyyy" stuck in my head for the last couple of days and that I noticed the sunset for the first time in ages today, I've made up my mind: next chance I get (and it had better be soon) I'm taking a picture of the sun setting and I'll mail it to him saying "The sun was smiling."

On other news... I spoke with EBF yesterday. I was very right thinking he'd like CtThumbe. He just had to say it (not phrased that way, though). I mentioned it to CtThumbe today as a compliment of sorts when she said she thought AOB was gay. CtThumbe said N2 hadn't seemed quite so nice to her. She said N2 looked very posh, a bit uptight, and in general not quite as nice as I think she was. It's one out of the following:
 - CtThumbe's not that great at reading people (which has been proven in several instances, especially with a very faulty gaydar)
 - I'm not very good at reading N2
 - N2 has a damned good mask
 - N2 noticed EBF staring at CtThumbe and did the math

I'm thinking it's a combination of the last two. 

Thursday, 16 February 2012

Just a dream

I had a fairly enlightening dream last night. There was this man I could only dare describe as a mix of LesMisGuy and SmTn (SmTn's build, LesMisGuy's features). He and I were together, sort of. Which is to say I got to sit next to him, wrap my arms around him and rest my head on his shoulder. Non-clingily, I think. But he decided he was tired of me. He wasn't getting away for a little bit, he was going away from me for good because he'd had enough. In another dream I climbed up flights of stairs to a  dentist's office. The dentist in question was supposed to be D's mum and I was half-hoping I'd see D there. I reached the right floor with a sense of dread, and even as I saw people gathered there, without daring to try and recognise any of the faces, or even risk being recognised, I turned back and made my way back down. I started out walking, and after a bit I decided I'd be better off gliding (my hand on the rail, my feet floating a 20cm or so above the stairs as I moved down at a steady pace). 

The thing that terrifies me, the thing that elicits a fight or flight response (which in my case is a "how fast can you run in the opposite direction?" response), the thing that makes me want to avoid all human contact? Investing myself for someone who plain doesn't care enough to show some interest in return. True in very many contexts, and very many instances which can be found all over this blog. So there. I had an epiphany of the obvious: caring for someone who doesn't care about me makes me feel that the proper response to not being cared about is disappearing.

I noticed something rather poetic on the walk from the bus station. That night with LesMisGuy isn't very different from a very long, life-like dream. 

Wednesday, 15 February 2012

Thank goodness for CtThumbe

Met CtThumbe for a short while today after lunch with A. She said that since I pointed him out to him it seems to her that she's been seeing LesMisGuy quite a lot. I said I'm terrified of seeing him... She pointed out she'd noticed how fast I'd moved when I left them yesterday. When I elaborated on how I had to run as fast as possible in the opposite direction from LesMisGuy, she said something encouraging. I'm not sure what it was. Maybe it was just a "poor thing!" but she meant it, she empathised. I was just immensely glad. I didn't dare mention it to EBF or to A, it gets old and they've already been through the D deal. To CtThumbe, the LesMisGuy deal isn't old. She will even ask about him without me bringing him up at all. She implies he could still try to reach me. She understands that I still think about him a lot and obsess a tiny bit. I daresay she finds it a bit endearing how much it all gets to me. I love that she's also a hopeless romantic... Overall, I'm very glad I know her, you know?

On another note, I ran into BGuy around campus. When I first noticed him I didn't say hi because he was on the phone and I was in a tiny bit of a hurry. But then he was in the library (where I'd just walked in) and he said hi. He asked about  my thesis and said he was sure I'd ace it. From the guy no one can stand, it was an awful nice thing to say, you know?

Funny how it all plays out: I was running late to meet A. Who was 15min late to meet me. And the only reason she wanted to meet me, I gather, is because she wanted me to get her some books from the university library. She can borrow them from her university's library, but only a few at a time. And she wants lots of them. Because she can't be bothered to check which ones she actually needs. Even after I made the suggestion. It's somehow easier for her if I get the bloody books for her, go figure. She even wanted me to get her into the university library. Nonsense. She can get her bloody books any other which way. I'm not dragging them around only so she can see if they're any good to her. They're not even crucial! That's exactly the sort of thing you'd expect her advisor to be able to help out with, isn't it? It's something she should be able to figure out on her own, but goodness knows she's just. not. up. for. it.

Tuesday, 14 February 2012

You can call me Tiresias, it won't do any good

Sonofabitch. Sonofabitch. Son of a bitch. Son. of. a. bitch.  SON OF A BITCH!

I had lunch with CtThumbe, L3 and three of the guys from summer school today. It was nice. When that was over MusicGuy, CtThumbe, L3 and I walked together to the physics department and my topology class. As we walked up a short flight of stairs I saw LesMisGuy up ahead, maybe 7m away. I wasn't wearing my glasses. I just knew. My reaction was such that CtThumbe asked if they were walking too slowly for me, if I'd be late for class or something. Truth is, I had a fight or flight response right then and there. It translated to an instant urge to run the fuck away from LesMisGuy, even if he was already walking downhill as we moved up. I don't think he saw us. I don't think he saw me. And yet the thought terrifies me beyond any reason I can think of. When CtThumbe asked I pointed out the guy walking downhill to her, told her that was LesMisGuy and then ran away. I used the adrenaline burst to run up three flights of stairs to the topology classroom and after sitting down for a while (some good 10min or so) I noticed I was shaking. 


You'd think that after 5 years I'd do better than I did back in the day with D around campus. If anything, it's even worse now when you consider all that ever happened with LesMisGuy is we made out for a short while, just the one time.

Monday, 13 February 2012


I know I'm getting old because A got my age wrong (added an extra year) and because I wish this were a regular day. I don't want to be congratulated. I don't want gifts. I don't want the attention. Little boys and girls look forward to their birthday. I just want to get it over with.

Sunday, 12 February 2012

Not at all, eh?

Everyone left a couple of hours ago. Everyone being AOB, EBF, N2, CtThumbe and A. Dinner wasn't spectacular, to be honest... The kebabs could have used some salt, there was too little tzatziki, dessert wasn't that good and the tomatoes could have used some feta. They all politely offered it was all good. 

CtW never got back to me. I can't help but find that the reunion was a bit on the boring side. I was the hostess, I'm supposed to be the one knowing everyone, and yet I felt a bit on the side. CtThumbe and N2 didn't really talk much. EBF did most of the talking. He, surprisingly, ended up talking about things only A (and sometimes AOB) seemed to know about. 

I still think it was all a big waste. There was a short while there when we toasted and AOB suggested a toast for A and EBF who'd got back, and for me (though no one could think of something). I almost wanted to toast for N2. I feel stupid for it. I'm well aware of the fact that I was hoping  N2 would like me. She's really very nice. I suppose I've extended that need to have EBF's approval for a need to have her approval too. And I think I did a few things which made me look very silly.

I'd write more, but right now I'm exhausted. This is pending, then. Bye!

[8:32am edit]
Shit. I have so much to do... *sigh*

Before I continue, just a quick note to point out the obvious: SmTn is too sweet. Virtual hugs to him, wherever he might be.

Back do dinner, now. 

I realised only this morning that, except for the gifts, it's almost as if it hadn't been my birthday at all and I'd just chosen to get an awkward group of people together. EBF and N2 didn't get me anything. A got me an eyelash curler, a couple of nail polishes and candy. CtThumbe got me a box of chocolates. AOB's gift was a bottle of some drink or other. 

I told N2 I'd get her a bottle of rum for her birthday. She insisted I go next weekend. I did my best to explain I wouldn't do too well. She said I could go, if only for a short while. I'm still not convinced. She was pretty bored here. I know it. She argued she'd have to wake up at 4:30am today to work on her thesis and that's why she left, but I'm quite sure she was just bored out of her mind. Besides, she and EBF had already arranged for some alone time at her place. Immediately after them the others left too. By then we'd been stuck talking at the table for a while and I know they weren't too entertained. 

So... yeah. Still feeling quite stupid.

Saturday, 11 February 2012

Fates and a party

To keep track of my dreams first, here's the one thing I remember from last night's dreams: I was with A and with some woman (or women) who could tell the future. They seemed to be reading A's but then realised it was actually mine when they said august 13th would be a very important day. 

I'm only just up, though I should've been up a couple of hours ago, because I was out last night. CtThumbe invited me to some kind of reunion. I'm not all that happy I went, to be honest, but for a while it was kind of nice. I just tired very soon of the guy who smells. And how people spat a bit when they talked so loudly and so close to me. And the guy who said my eyes were "so blue."

Friday, 10 February 2012

Oh, the social awkwardness!

I had a dream where I ran into LesMisGuy around campus. We said hi. It was awkward. I blushed and felt stupid. I still feel quite stupid, thinking that even a dream appearance of LesMisGuy has that kind of effect on me.

[1:24pm edit]
On another note also pertaining my social awkwardness, my birthday is coming up soon. A started a conversation about it yesterday and asked what I'd be doing to celebrate. I pointed out I hadn't really thought of anything. On the one hand, I've had little time to think about it. On the other, I'm not really looking forward to the celebration. I hate having to deal with the anxiety implied by wondering who to invite, and whether they will show up or not. I'm well aware of the fact that it's not the best of ideas to get EBF, N2, A, AOB, CtThumbe, CtW (and plus one) and L3 in the same room. And yet I told them all they're invited to dinner tomorrow. Only A said she'd make it. CtW said she'd think about it and let me know. My dad's already bought groceries and massive amounts of wine. Knowing they might just say "sorry, I have other plans" I'm already feeling like shit. I didn't realise quite how much like shit I felt until I noticed EBF going online and then offline without saying a word. 

Wednesday, 8 February 2012

Apparently, there's a name for it

No matter how much I day-dream, how much I wish for unreasonable happy outcomes, or how much of a hopeless romantic I am, I think it's safe to say I've given up on the LesMisGuy thing working out. 

It can't hurt to talk myself into it, right? So thanks, As it turns out, there's a thing called "effective failing" which consists of giving up as soon as possible once you realise you can't win. To an extent, that's what I did when I cut off all contact with LesMisGuy after the "some other time" answer he gave me. I say it's only true to an extent because I've clearly been torturing myself about it not working out and it's hardly a profit if I come out feeling like shit because I had the time to make myself feel like shit.  I, uh... besides feeling relieved  by the fact that ExamGuy doesn't fancy me after all, I'm an itty little bit worried that I'm probably that unlikable. But I'm willing to rule that out as a self-esteem problem. As far as LesMisGuy can be concerned (and as far as "saving face" in front of him goes, should he even bother to notice) I failed somewhat effectively. 

I probably fucked up with the bloody text message and ensuing conversation. I probably fucked up when I said I couldn't trust anyone unconditionally. I probably fucked up not letting him feel me up. I most certainly fucked up assuming the kisses meant anything when I already knew I can't read him. If anything, I proved to myself it's quite all right to shut people out to avoid getting (more) hurt. I can't have fucked up quite so badly that I can blame myself saying "it was going to work out." Because if it wasn't going to work out anyway then it's a good thing I failed efficiently. Right?

It would really help if I could stop thinking about him all the time, though. 

Wrong number. *yay!*

Just ran into ExamGuy, which is to say, I was working on a paper and he walked by and greeted me. He said he confused me with someone else when he called my number. I pointed out I didn't have his last name in my phone and changed it. He left. 

*Kuzco style "heh-heh... I'm so happy!"*

Sunday, 5 February 2012

Irony, how could I forget about you?

I've been on a bit of a reading spree. After reading Gogol's "The Overcoat" I realised I expected the overcoat to be stolen (as it was) after realising that the story was set not so unlike Ladri di Biciclette. It doesn't mean much if I do say so myself, but I'm usually quite good at seeing things coming. I moved on to Jonathan Culler's book about literary theory and when faced with irony as a main component of literature (alongside sinécdoque, metonymy and metaphor) it suddenly occurred to me that it only makes sense. I'd forgotten irony seems to rule supreme in the story of my life and hence it was only to be expected that when I expected things to finally work out with LesMisGuy (read: after we kissed and I thought it meant something) it turned out it only appeared that way and reality had a mind of its own. Took me long enough to see it, didn't it?

Saturday, 4 February 2012

And again...

Another dream about LesMisGuy. In this dream it was me calling him out of the blue, except I was calling him to find out which classroom to go to for a given class we were both taking. He still seemed surprised by my call. I'll just ignore everything else from last night's dreams. 

Friday, 3 February 2012

In a world of my own...

I've finally settled on a gift for SmTn. As soon as he mails me his address in any writing other than his own handwriting, I'll just go out and mail it. It should be easy enough to come by, I figure. I'm hoping he'll like it. EBF agreed it's a good gift. His only suggestion to make it better was to add a bottle of rum. I can't seem to be comfortable with the idea, though. It seems to me like shipping a bottle of rum is a somewhat weird gesture. I do intend to set time apart to get a handwritten letter together. I mentioned my birthday is coming up soon. SmTn is now determined to give me a birthday gift. I told him it was nonsense and he really didn't have to. He insisted we make believe we're in opposite world where he gets to send me something for my birthday. I pointed out his gift will be an unbirthday gift, in the most Wonderland-ish way possible.

As far as other interactions go, I've been meeting quite frequently with L3, CtThumbe, and even with CtW. I couldn't help but find it funny that CtThumbe asked about LesMisGuy, somehow implying that it's plausible he would try to contact me. Well, not "ha-ha" funny, I'm not exactly laughing. It's just that I've already completely given up on it, and she's still suggesting he could come out of the blue. I won't deny it makes me hope he will, but it's somehow more comfortable to just assume he won't. There were a few moments today where I remembered the terror I felt at the thought of running into D, or having to be anywhere near him. I recognised the places he used to hang out in, and the places I actually saw him from a short distance. I was glad it's all over now. I'm glad I have nothing to worry about. To an extent, it's nicer to imagine LesMisGuy isn't even going to university anymore because that way I can just stop being afraid of seeing him anywhere. I'll deal with seeing him everywhere some other way.

On other news, there's a new man in N1's life (who isn't all that new, but things are actually moving here, so that's new). N1 has finally come out of the blue after over a month's absence. We didn't get to really talk, though. Maybe we'll catch up some other time. 

Goodness, I have so much to read and work on... and yet I couldn't help myself from deciding to attend the introduction to combinatorics class. Very peculiar professor. Very lovely subject. Includes graphs and trees and everything :) . It's somehow nicer to go to class knowing I'm not actually required to keep up. 

On older news I'm... still putting off everything related to going away. I should at the very least notify my uncle and aunt and let them know I haven't gotten the papers they sent yet. I should check the visa requirements. I should research my options and choose the subjects I want to take. I should be reading and studying so much...