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Tuesday, 31 January 2012

One wasted lucid dream

Still thinking of LesMisGuy much. I had a dream about him last night. Well... a dream he was in, anyway. You see, I was in university and there was some kind of art gallery being worked on. I felt out of place running around, trying not to get in the way, trying to stay unnoticed. At some point, I Just stopped walking around. I stood there and wished for convenient things. I'm at a loss as for what exactly it is I wished for, but I know it was trivial and convenient. Upon realising that it got me what I wanted (just the act of wishing for it)it occurred to me that I was in a lucid dream and it was my chance to ask for anything. I quietly wished to see LesMisGuy, not quite sure that he would show up. It wasn't immediate, but soon enough he was there. I don't think I got anything out of it, which is to say, I wish I could say I felt satisfied by seeing him. I wish I'd talked to him, or had approached him, anything. But I didn't. I didn't wish for him to kiss me. I didn't try to talk to him. I didn't try anything at all while we were both there. I wonder now why that was. Was it because I lost awareness of my lucidity? Was it because I didn't want it badly enough? Was I afraid of what would happen? I'm at a loss...

Then there's another dream. One about a king who had a daughter, all in modern times, and he had absolute control over his subjects (actually, I may have borrowed the Russian empire's system). Every time nobles had celebrations they could choose to invite the townspeople, and so for the king's or his daughter's birthday, all the town folk gathered. The young woman (about my age, maybe a little older) had been trying to convince the people of something she deemed would be good for them. Both her and her father were good people, wanting to do what was best for their subjects. She pointed out she had to treat her subjects as children, lovingly taking care of them while ripping them of the ability to make incorrect choices for themselves. 

The last dream I remember involves a kinky orgy I was invited to participate in. One including Hulk Hogan and washed out middle aged rock stars. Very odd indeed.

On an unrelated subject, EBF invited me to N2's birthday party. I wouldn't think (so) much of it if it weren't for the fact that it's a sleepover. I'd still think about it a lot before going if it weren't a sleepover. Do they actually want me there? What the fuck would I do there? I don't know anyone. Except for EBF. But he'll have plenty to do other than make sure I adapt, and really I'd rather he didn't have to babysit me. The sleepover aspect of it all means, above all, that if I'm uncomfortable I won't be able to leave and then I'll be stuck being miserable and unable to tell anyone (that would be rude). I'll have to ask him if I'm actually expected at this thing, because really, I'd much rather decline the invitation.

I just hope that wasn't his way of saying "happy birthday!" That would be beyond lame.

[8:52pm edit]
I asked EBF. It was N2's idea. She insisted. I'm sure she meant well, but it's a bit beyond me. EBF understands and says it's ok if I don't go. Maybe I'll drop him a message and tell him to tell her happy birthday from me or something.

Monday, 30 January 2012

To the loony bin!

I'm nowhere near done reading everything I have to read for tomorrow, but my eyes are feeling tired (and that's after reading wearing my glasses) and frankly I could use a tiny break. I only had to show up for German class today. We worked in pairs. I worked with a guy who reminded me of LesMisGuy for no reason whatsoever. Something about the dork-ish easy going nature. Maybe. It's more likely I made it all up, but I somehow decided that this guy was a version of LesMisGuy who didn't smell nice and doesn't do maths (though I might've heard him ask something about physics to some classmate). Basically, a non-sexy LesMisGuy. There's nothing to indicate that this new guy reads, or speaks other languages, or knows random fun facts. If anything, he seemed a tiny bit intimidated to be working with me, but he was a good sport. I'm afraid I might've been a nicer person to work with had I not been so busy drawing imaginary parallels between him and LesMisGuy. Fact of the matter is that even after a short chat with SmTn that left me beaming like an idiot after he asked me to say lovely in my best British impersonation and transcription, I'm still thinking about LesMisGuy so much that I'm turning other people into him. 

I probably belong in a madhouse

I'm few things if not contradictory. I had a dream last night where I realised LesMisGuy had deleted me from his facebook friends and it was horrible. "It made me want to cry"- horrible. I know I've done everything (except delete him as a facebook friend) to distance myself from him. Which basically means I've deleted him from my instant messaging contacts list. It spares me the anguish of seeing him online and torturing myself with thoughts of whether or not he'll talk to me, whether or not I should consider attempting to talk to him, and why I'm so horrible that he won't have me. And then a fairly harmless consequence of such distance between us makes me want to cry. I'm really being ridiculous...

In other dreams, there were at least three mention-worthy episodes. In one, Les Luthiers were performing, though some of them were missing and there were at least two or three new guys. In another one, there was a mental institution where a doctor had fallen in love with a patient and patients were left in cradles, much like babies. In the last one I remember, Quagmire (from Family Guy) pointed out that many men had lost their genitals to his mother's vagina. Next thing you know we're "fishing them out" looking for a particular set. This consisted of looking for cut out pieces of paper with drawings of either hearts or cartoonish genitals stuck in the CD drive of a laptop computer. The ones Quagmire was looking for were the last to be fetched out. That's about it, I think... Now for serious work.

Sunday, 29 January 2012

Who'd have thought? My parents are hippies

I just got back from the longest, most absolutely horrid family reunion. It would have seemed like my aunt MT had something big to celebrate, but it turned out she just wanted to organise a little reunion to give my uncle, aunt and cousin their late Christmas gifts. (We still owe them gifts, I intend to buy some with my birthday gift money). They talked about the LGBT community and HIV positive people with such ignorance! You wouldn't believe it. Would it not just be better if they didn't exist? How could you eat something that was cooked by an HIV positive person? Of course you can convert someone to homosexuality if you rape them! GOODNESS! To think my mum was the voice of reason saying "oh, they're quite all right." Horrid. Just horrid... 


I know I had other dreams... for the moment, though, I just want to keep track of this one:

There was a small chamber with a low ceiling, and in it was a round lift (Final Fantasy-style) that went down. People would get on the platform and be given bricks so they could build a wall around themselves. The platform would descend, and the people would die. I believe they got a choice on how to die, as there was a possibility of death by asphyxiation, where they were allowed wood or something else that would smoke a lot. I believe ethanol was also supplied. If that didn't happen certain death awaited them at the bottom. However, it took a while to get to the bottom, or even to die from asphyxiation, and there were huge ants on the platform. They bit and it was considered "inhuman" to leave them there to torture the dying as they met their doom. After some observation, it was my turn to go down with a few other girls. They had already started building the wall around us. I remember calmly using my phone to call someone and let them know that they should really take care of that ant problem. I introduced myself as a jew about to die. I remember sprinkling myself and the others with some alcohol to attempt to ward off the ants and just calmly waiting for death to come. It was so strange to be so easy about the whole thing...

In another dream I'm only just vaguely remembering, I was at some reunion including people from university and school. This means LesMisGuy was there, in so many words. At some point, I left with Gb and SweetGal. I remember thinking LesMisGuy would have to piece together that I was a lesbian and it was an obvious deduction from the fact that I was with Gb and SweetGal. 

[10:04am edit]
Just remembered there was another dream. Another one about my little one being alive. In my dream I was certain of it: she'd been alive all along. I didn't care how, or why. All that mattered was that I  was with her again and I was overjoyed. This sort of dream shouldn't still make me want to cry.

Saturday, 28 January 2012

If this means anything, I'm pretty sure it's not good

Couple of dreams from last night.

In one I had a birthday party reunion in some country house. LesMisGuy was there. He slept over. He was about to leave early, but even as I walked him out he chose not to leave just yet and sat with me no a hammock instead to talk. That somehow ended with him proposing that he and others (included my cousin who visited in December, A, EBF and AOB) buy something for my birthday (apparently it was my birthday). I was just so fucking happy that he wanted to spend time with me, you know? I was afraid something had scared him off when I saw him getting ready to leave. I also remember half-waking him up when I entered the room he was sleeping in and fumbled around the bed looking for something. I felt immediately guilty, kind of like when I woke D up when I called 15min too early to let him know I was on my way to meet him.

In another dream, there was some kind of reunion in the house. My sister and I arrived before other and had to clean up a mess left behind by a polar bear that had killed a baby seal. I can't remember the actual gore, I just remember describing it to others. The polar bear showed up after a bit. I was afraid it would hurt me, and yet I stood with him (it was a him) by the door. My little one was here, and after a while she started barking. The polar bear barked with her and I was very afraid he'd go in and hurt her, so I held him by a collar around his neck and hugged him hard, hoping that would keep him from going in after her. I ended up with the polar bear lying on top of me, resting, "hugging me." I realise now it's a very dangerous position to be in with a polar bear, but at the time I was just relieved to know he couldn't go in after my little one.

Then there's a little snippet of a dream where plutonium was kept in beautiful pink vials in an office for decoration. The woman who owned the office expected someone (another woman) to steal them and die from radioactive poisoning. 

Wednesday, 25 January 2012

I wasn't so wrong, was I?

Still making arrangements to leave. Turns out I have to attend community college until I know enough about biology, chemistry and engineering to start working on the master's degree. My aunt A is in such a rush, you know? My cousin sent some info telling me about the classes I have to take and a few I get to choose from a list. My aunt A called today. I told her I'd ask around with my physicist friends to see which subjects I'd choose from the list. No good. Physicists wouldn't know anything about this. I should have my uncle and my cousin decide for me. Feels a tiny bit like selling my soul, having them make all choices.

[January 27th edit, 7pm]

I uh... I've been sending e-mails back and forth with my uncle and my cousin, and my aunt still calls every so often. It's unbelievable how little they communicate amongst themselves. I'm a positive mess right now, trying to figure out what on Earth to do with them all expecting such different things from me.

On another mess-related subject, I, uh... I don't know why I was half-hoping LesMisGuy would call. 

[10:57pm edit]
Don't ask me why, but I have a feeling that LesMisGuy's making out with (and likely about to shag) with some girl right now. Ok, ask me why: I'm mental. 

Special kind of hell

I had a dream where I almost had sex with AOB. Very disturbing when I woke up, to be honest. Details to follow later. I had another dream where my little one was someone else's dog and she was very sick and her lungs were failing. A vet suggested cutting her open and performing some very radical surgery, but the owners refused and we just sat there, waiting for her to die. I remember rushing to her side several times when I heard her whimper. I remember the awful feeling that came over me watching her in agony. It was just awful.

There was a dream where I was on a raft at sea,  moving rapidly. I had to hold on. It was dark, cloudy and the sea wasn't exactly calm, so I lost one of my shoes and I remember looking for it frantically. It showed up ashore later. I think it might've been AOB who made me get on the raft. Maybe.

And then there was another dream where I was somewhere in China with EBF and we watched giant giant pandas move around the a mountain range, in single file. I'm not sure why they were moving, but there was some threat to the place where they lived and they moved accordingly. Except the threat turned out not to be real. I pointed out it was ridiculous how such cuddly fluffy creatures could be in danger of extinction.

[3:13pm edit]
Ok, on to the dream with AOB first. In the dream we met to go someplace and walked together for a bit. He tried wrapping his arm around me in a more-than-friends-ly way, so I moved it several times until I just didn't care any more and let him do whatever he would. Next thing I remember is being in a shack by the sea with him, lying on a blanket and bed covers, just about to get busy. People kept going in, though, so it never actually happened. I said something along the lines of "oh well, this was the time to do it, it ain't going to happen" and yet later on he asked if maybe we should finish what we started later. I found myself saying yes, much like I said I'd go out with ExamGuy. Very odd.

I slept for a while just now. I'm sick. Something I ate, or some virus or other. I only just managed to go to the class I had to teach and then my mum brought me back. Anyway, I had a dream. In my dream we went to the vet who used to attend my little one. He had some kind of farm place downtown where he kept dogs. My little one was there. I went with my mum and my sister, trying not to get her attention lest she noticed us and got frantic. She noticed us all right. She whimpered and cried with emotion. She was very sick in my dream too, but the vet had slowly been nurturing her back to health. He'd even come up with some way to cauterize the tumours every so often, which made them shrink over time. He offered to let us take her with  us, but there was a risk that her poor little heart wouldn't handle the excitement. Special kind of hell indeed...

Monday, 23 January 2012

First day feels like day 1

I had agreed to meet CtW today, right? So, I arrived early. Earlier than agreed, actually, so I had time to sit around for a bit where I thought we'd meet (except it wasn't the right place). I think LesMisGuy walked by me as I sat waiting and reading Roger Penrose's book. That just might have been him. The one true thing about that fact is that I was a bit mortified by the thought of having him near, of being visible, and I wanted to hide. I'm now well aware of the fact that I'll be hiding from him on purpose from now on. I'm now well aware of the fact that, years later, I still behave the way I did when hiding from D. First day of the semester feels like day 1 in university. I just thought you should know. 

Friday, 20 January 2012

I'm a mess, aren't I?

A just logged online. I somehow knew she'd want to talk. All of a sudden it seems like she's being too nice, which can only mean I'm being too horrible. Her gifts were a bit much (mine were crap to begin with), and she's asking why we don't talk every day like we used to *sad face.* I don't know. I don't fucking know. I somehow figured she'd be out with Dg or something. Maybe not him, some other friend. She seems to prefer her other friends. At least to me. But now she wishes we could talk more and I'm afraid to deal with this. I'm afraid to deal with everything other than SmTn, really. I'm afraid of going to university on Monday, having agreed to meet CtW, CtThumbe and L3. I'm terrified of seeing LesMisGuy from a distance. I'm afraid of running into ThPr. I'm afraid of running into the professor who judged my thesis. I'm afraid of having to learn German and not remembering enough. I'm afraid of having to graduate. I'm afraid of running into ExamGuy. I'm worried about getting a gift for SmTn and having no money to buy it with, leave alone ship it. I'm worried about having to learn biology and chemistry. I'm worried about being a horrible friend and a horrible person. I'm worried that A hasn't written back yet even though I wrote quite a bit. I'm worried about driving people away. I'm worried about shutting people out. I'm worried about letting people in. I'm worried about fucking everything that involves human interaction.

Look at that, freudian again

All I remember right now about my dreams last night is being in a group of people that included LesMisGuy. I tried talking to him. I tried looking at him. I tried poking him to get his attention. I wanted to talk to him. I wanted to tell him I like him, I wanted to at least hint at it. I wanted him to know. And he didn't want to know anything of it. He eventually talked, quite exasperated. But he started talking about politics. 

Tortuous thoughts of the day

Is it because I can't trust him blindly? Is that why LesMisGuy called it quits? I was ready to call it a night, but I tried to sleep, smile thinking of SmTn's e-mail and what I'll write back, and all that comes to mind is LesMisGuy. What is so wrong with me? I know there's plenty wrong with me but that's true of pretty much everyone. Something must be horribly amiss... What is it? Was I supposed to trust him sliding his hand up my thigh? Was I supposed to trust him to get back to me? Before you know it, I'm back to thinking he's playing wicked mind games with me and all I want, rather than to think he's not worth it if he is, is to figure out the rules so I can play along. Back to where I was when I was with D. And that's probably why I can't trust anyone blindly. Well, not just that, I suppose, but I reckon it's a part of it. If I'm being tested without my knowing it, then I'll seek approval until the insecurities drive me mad, feeling like every time something goes wrong it's because I did something wrong. 

I've said it before. If I re-trace my steps, I feel that I didn't do anything quite so wrong. So now, instead of thinking "I did nothing wrong" I'm wondering which of the smaller mistakes was the big fuck up. Is it because I'm too cautious? It seemed to be a problem with D too... Is it because I said I'm a prude, or a hopeless romantic? Is it because I stopped him from feeling me up? Is it because I arched my back when he tickled my lower back and he interpreted that as wanting to get away? Is it because I'm insecure? Is it because I can't trust him? Was it bad breath? My make-up? My clothes? Should I have kept to myself and let him come to me? Is it because conversations didn't quite flow so well? Am I so boring? Was I trying too hard? Or not hard enough? Did he just want carte blanche during the holidays? But I'm quite sure he was in town, I'm sure something fun could have been arranged... What was it I said or didn't say? What did I do or fail to do? What did he find out about me that makes me quite so repulsive?

Thursday, 19 January 2012

Lunch, then

Woke up at 8 or so (instead of 6:30) to start getting everything ready for lunch. Mum helped me out with the cleaning and groceries. She invited my aunt MT over for lunch when I said I'd invited EBF. I got everything ready (pasta with a lemon sauce, parsley and salmon, passion fruit mousse) and expecting EBF would drop by any time, started cooking and sent him a message to tell him he could get on  his way. He'd be later, would that be ok. I just texted back "ok"  and left that at that. The salmon we'd bought was horribly thin, full of water, and rather heavy on the fat side that goes with the skin I'd discard, not to mention it still had quite a lot of scales on it. I went out with my aunt to buy some more and just a while after we arrived, even as I set out to cut the new salmon (equally crappy, I'm afraid) EBF arrived. 

We  all had lunch. The food was good. So was my mulled wine. EBF had 2.5 servings of everything (average, maybe more). I hadn't had breakfast and even for me it seems like a lot. He stuck around after lunch. We talked a little. Very little, actually. He showed me trippy YouTube videos. I showed him funny videos. He showed me articles, I showed him stuff by the bloggess. He asked if I'd like to grab a beer with him and his sister later. I said yes. He mentioned off-handedly that he's back with N2, he'd just broken up with her because she'd gotten too clingy. Some time later (around 6pm, I reckon, he arrived sometime after 2pm) he was making plans to go grab that beer with his sister and N2. N2 came to pick him up. He thanked me for lunch. 

I'm still feeling foolish.

I received an e-mail from SmTn today. He can always make me smile. :)

Wednesday, 18 January 2012

Oh dear... here we go again

Mum offered to give me a ride to university so I could solve a minor problem at the library. We passed around the area LesMisGuy lives in. I thought I might've seen him from a distance, wearing a white t-shirt, jeans, and carrying a green plastic bag on his left hand. I saw him from behind, so I couldn't be sure. And the traffic moved ever so slowly, so I never managed to get a closer look. You should have seen the way my heart beat, the way I freaked out, the way I wanted to hide. I hadn't felt that way since the days, years ago, when I hid away from D around campus. This could be a very long semester.

[9:49pm edit]
I forgot to mention I had a dream last night where EBF and N2 were back together again. I was at EBF's place (in my dream an apartment complex) and was following him and N2. She was busy messaging with someone from her phone (a BlackBerry). In the meantime EBF filled me in. I often felt odd with him talking to me when he could just be with her. I wanted to butt out.

[10:52 pm edit]
See? And now I feel foolish. Just told EBF to pick a meal and a time and I'd buy it or cook it for him. He went for lunch tomorrow but couldn't even narrow down the meal choices. No idea what I'm going to cook. Not. a. fucking. clue. And he's off already, said he had to go to sleep. To be clear, he signed in, after a while (thinking he'd stick around) I offered to cook or buy a meal for him, he gave me a time, and as soon as we settle on me not having a fucking clue about anything but willing to try and surprise him I try to ask how things are, he mentions today's soccer match (fits in with having seen LesMisGuy, doesn't it?), I ask  about school, he says he's got no class on Fridays, and then he has to go. So he leaves his phone number and leaves without saying goodbye or asking for my number. My internet connection fell so I logged off for a while there but not for long. He didn't even say goodbye. 

Now, correct me if I'm wrong but this was a big fucking mistake, wasn't it? It seems to me like he just chose a time to get it over with as soon as possible, which kind of skips over the fact that it leaves me little to no time to prepare. Even dinner tomorrow would be easier to manage. See if I can come up with a meal to go with my mulled wine, as well as dessert, and get it ready tomorrow by 1:30pm-2:00pm. All so we can get this over with already. Big fucking mistake. 

Tuesday, 17 January 2012

If I can't find a reason then I probably don't need one

Still watching House  M.D. episodes. Still thinking about LesMisGuy a lot. *sigh*

It seems I've given up on elaborate fantasies where he changes his mind about me. Now I just imagine us running into each other in university (or anywhere else, really) and instead of a polite air kiss cheek to cheek, having him kiss me on the lips as he holds me with his hand on my waist. No explanation, no preamble, no giving me a chance to say no. I don't want to know how or why he'll want me as long as he wants me and can do something to try to have me. I don't need declarations of undying love or sudden epiphanies. I just want to know he can like me for me and want me badly enough to do something about it and stick to it. I want to be with him. I don't really care how we get to that point.

Monday, 16 January 2012

Giants and dragons... and a dinosaur still there

I had a dream last night about this huge red rock statue in a desert, that of a giant, or a dragon, or a giant dragon. A Chinese dragon at that. It had been immobilised and was guarded by 10 demons in different parts around the body. Back in the day, as there was a mythology associated to this, you could ask the demons to do favours for you. Not anymore. The giant was waking up and he was violent. He had to be defeated. That meant defeating the ten demons and then fighting him. But it was a truly enormous giant, at least as tall as a 20 story building. I know there was a man, or a group of people, out to kill him. I don't know if they succeeded.

In another dream there was some kind of reunion with people from school2 out in the field, in a marshy/swampy field. I almost fell into a very unpleasant-looking pond. It was dark and rainy. People were just gathered together.

In another dream I was in university and had to meet with N1, A and others. I went into the library, now a bar/restaurant, and looked for a table where 6+ of us could sit down. I saw EBF  sitting with friends and avoided him like the plague, going far out of my way and out of the library to find a place where we could sit: a bench on a mound along a trail to a bakery (?).

Then there's a dream, possibly the one above, possibly a different one, where I sat next to LesMisGuy and our knees touched. It turned into a "game" of lightly caressing each other with our legs. 

I know I've seen too many House M.D. episodes

In the back of my mind, there's always LesMisGuy. I know, it gets old. I know it's not going away. Here's the problem: I'm wondering just how similar to D LesMisGuy is. Could he be testing me with some weird kind of game? What would I do if I knew there were no consequences? What would I ask him if I knew he'd be completely honest? Would I try to ask him out against all odds, following a lousy game theory logic? Was it a test? Would he have wanted me if I'd passed it? Should I even consider him if it is a test? Why do I want to be with him even if it is a test? Can't I just tell myself he's not worth it if he was trying me out like that? Why doesn't he want me?

Sunday, 15 January 2012

I choose you, blog

EBF was online for quite a while yesterday afternoon. I was watching House episodes and figured he must have been busy arranging for welcome parties, so I said nothing. Early at night he logged off. I assume I was right. A hasn't contacted me. My parents woke me up to let me know she and her family will be here in the afternoon, with the dogs. I'm suddenly worrying about the quality of my gift if my parents offer the damned cupcakes for tea. Can't exactly make it a better gift, now, can I? I can wrap it up with a bow. Will that help? I doubt it... 

I had a dream where I was some place downtown with all the people from school1 for some kind of reunion. I was very early (it must have been 4pm or so). I was waiting for a call from A and her mum, who were picking me up so A and I could go somewhere. Meanwhile at the reunion the menu had very few things, at very high prices. They put a big long bowl of mixed fruit on a very large square table. I tried the fruit. Most of it was awful. I missed a call from A. I tried to call back. Can't remember if we managed to talk, leave alone meet.

In another dream there was some kind of poison in water that tested positive by turning white cloth red. I remember it distinctly being in a lake at some kind of country club. 

[9:30pm edit]
Cupcakes were too little. Now I'm certain of it: I need a good birthday gift for A.

On another note, it seems EBF and N2 broke up. I found out through facebook, of all ways. EBF has been online quite a while this afternoon. So I tried talking to him. Welcomed him, told him I'd seen the update, and asked if I should worry. He said his sister would do for now, didn't really want to talk, asked how life's going. I ended up venting about my resilience to accept changes... and talking to myself. I almost want to write in and tell him to choose a meal and I'll buy it or cook it for him. Almost. Because everything else about this whole thing just makes me feel very stupid.

Friday, 13 January 2012

An exercise in futility

It took an unreasonably great effort to write e-mails asking my cousin and my uncle for help to start filling in my application to study abroad. They answered today, quite some time ago now, and I'm actually so afraid I haven't opened their e-mails yet. I asked straight-forward questions. They should be straight-forward answers. I should just read them and keep working on getting everything sorted out to go. I can't. I'm not quite sure why either, but I can guess.

I was tempted to try my luck at writing a short story about it. 

Right now even that much seems too hard. A left me a message so I can call her on her phone now she's back. I'm afraid the cupcakes I baked will go stale before long. We should meet. My mum told me to call her and ask if she'd be around so I could drop by and deliver the cupcakes. I didn't feel like it. I realise failure to deliver the cupcakes will mean I wasted time and money on them. I just don't really feel like seeing A. I reckon her not contacting me must mean the feeling is mutual.

On another note, I've heard a couple of planes. I'm not sure if they were leaving or arriving. I'm quite sure EBF's plane should have arrived quite some time ago. I still found myself thinking "welcome back, EBF." It's an uncomfortable thought. I'm not sure I want to see him, either. Mostly because I don't think he wants to see me. What would I do if I saw him, eh? He must be out in some kind of welcoming party. He must be trying to make the most of being with N2 and his friends. Note how I'm leaving myself out of that term. Try as I might, I can't help but get stuck feeling that I just don't belong in his life anymore. I'm just sorry it's taking me so long to really come to terms with that fact, because every so often I'll go back to thinking "hey! we're pals again!" only to be stopped in my tracks by deafening silence.

Going back to the thread I abruptly cut off up there, and somehow attempting to tie this weak post together, I'm afraid of changes. I'm actually resisting changes the best way I naïvely can by not changing myself. When that fails I avoid having to realise just how much everything has changed. And then that fails too because, like it or not, time goes by and the essence of time itself is that it's the thing between different states. Before I know it, the changes have taken place and taken over. I stand idly by trying not to disturb things, as if it could coax everything into going back to the way it used to be. 

Thursday, 12 January 2012

Peace of mind, part 2 (who am I kidding with this title?)


Not particularly peaceful in here... My head, that is.

We talked to my aunt A this afternoon. I really should e-mail my uncle and my cousin to find out what the fuck I'm going to do when I leave so I can get started on the stuff I need to do now. I really should settle on a date to take the GRE. I really should study for it. Instead, we went shopping for merchandise with my aunt MT early this morning, had lunch and took off all afternoon to do our nails and watch television. That included a very guilty chick flick with Sandra Bullock and Hugh Grant. No one would care, but my nails are now a very chic (or so I say) bluish shade of dark purple. Those are my accomplishments of the day, if you will.

Quite pathetic... quite pathetic indeed...

I settled (sort of) on a gift for A: cupcakes. I baked them with my sister yesterday. They didn't go quite as planned, but they're good enough and it's a thoughtful enough gift considering she said she missed my cooking when her roomie baked cupcakes. There's just the matter of delivering them... A made vague references (among her thank you notes) about maybe meeting once she's settled in or something. Maybe then. I realise now I never mentioned anything to her about SmTn's gift, or the night out with my cousins. Maybe I'll get her the bag for her birthday. Maybe... If we go out I can only guess we'll be going out tomorrow or on Saturday. Just as well, considering EBF will be back tomorrow night (fairly late, assuming a little average delays) and that if we're quite honest chances are I won't be seeing him for the next week or so (maybe more). He's got other people to catch up with.

No word of seeing AOB again, either. No idea what I'm getting him. Or EBF for that matter. I could bake cupcakes for all of them (again, hopefully nicer than the ones from yesterday). I just get the feeling that it's a very lousy gift. 

As for SmTn... I think I've settled on a cook's apron and a couple of bags of coffee. Considering his new-found interest in cooking, he might find it useful. If he doesn't, he can just put it away. It shouldn't be a particularly guilty gift on any account and I can always leave off a proper gift until I can send it with my mum's friends.

I'm not really leaving him out of this if I already fucked up bringing up the fact that I sat through a chick flick, can I? Yup, I'm still wishing... well,  I don't know what I'm wishing for, to be honest. I just picture us together and wish there was a way to fill the gaps between this point in time-space and that fragment of my imagination where I can playfully greet him with a "Hello you sexy thing, you!" and kiss him. The thing about chick flicks is that they somehow fill that gap, they help the imagination out a bit. Men "come to their senses" and realise how wonderful the lead woman is, only to try to "make things right" with some uber-romantic gesture where the lead woman gets to show off her superiority in moral values and overall position in life (which often includes something a bit humiliating on the man's part). I sat there trying to imagine such things happening with LesMisGuy and got nothing. I realise they're stupid ideals to wish for, and then I realise I have nothing to hope for.

What could possibly happen now, eh? There's the issue of ExamGuy (which is still unsolved, but thankfully he hasn't showed up just yet). So I try to follow a storyline where LesMisGuy gets jealous, or somehow sees me through different eyes once he notices another great guy taking interest. But I have to question whether or not ExamGuy's interest is really there, and just how serious an interest it can possibly be. For all I know he could also just be trying to get into my pants (except my reading of ExamGuy wouldn't be as bad as my reading of LesMisGuy because I don't have a crush on him). I have to remember LesMisGuy is too easygoing to get jealous over something quite so stupid. 

In another case scenario, LesMisGuy and EBF somehow meet in university and become pals (I'm quite confident they'd get along great), they go out for drinks and somehow they end up talking about me. LesMisGuy would tell EBF why he wants nothing to do with me and, if his reasons weren't too good, EBF could tell him what a fool he was to pass up on a chance to be with me. Sounds stupid even as you read it, doesn't it? It sounded stupid in my head before I typed it... How and why would those two meet, leave alone become friends? Why would they end up talking about me? In the event that all of the above up to that point came to happen, I'm still quite sure EBF wouldn't tell LesMisGuy he's a fool for not wanting me. It would just be very out of place and out of character.

He could also just suddenly want to be with me and try to make things happen. Which is impossible because there's no way he's so slow that it would have taken him this long to change his mind. He said he wanted to go back in time to meet Cleopatra so he could bang her. I said I would have liked to meet Shakespeare and didn't elaborate. Being a pokémon would leave me in a better position. Those you gotta catch 'em all. He can just pass up on me. 

What if he spoke with some friend of his about me and said friend saw the things I thought would make us perfect for each other? What if this friend tried to sway him into giving it a try? This one assumes that I was somehow important to LesMisGuy, when evidence points to the contrary. It also assumes LesMisGuy has friends who tell him what to do and he really doesn't seem like that kind of guy.

What if he just gets the hots for me and decides it might be worth giving it a try if no other girls he knows are available? I'd much rather he didn't. I'm sure I'll try to imagine it's anything other than that and before you know it I'll be neck-deep in my own made up bullshit. 

I've very much given up on meeting anyone this semester. I figure, since I'm leaving anyway it's just not worth it.

On another note...

I've kind of sort of started thinking of my birthday and... well, it doesn't look good. Something tells me I'll end up hosting dinner, leaving me with the awful empty and lonely feeling that I somehow need to buy people's affection through food because I'm just not worth it on my own. This procrastinating state of mind is really not very peaceful, is it? Could I not simply not have a birthday this year? Could it go unnoticed without me hoping for congratulations? Can I just lie in bed all day and sulk in peace?

Wednesday, 11 January 2012

Peace of mind

I'm afraid the closest I'll get to any true peace of mind is having only pieces of my mind to work with, which... well, it only just sounds a bit like peace of mind. 

On the bright side, A's dogs will be gone tomorrow. I don't really care when, as long as they're gone already. No more waking up early to barking. No more barking at nothing worthwhile. No more running around the house growling. No more cleaning up piss, shit and vomit. No more humping at everything that moves. No more tearing apart of furniture or decorations. No more watching what they're eating that's actually not food. No more begging them to eat their own food. None of that. They must have a clue what a nightmare it is to babysit them, because they've thanked us several times already. 

There's the minor issue of having to get A a present for Christmas (and I have, as a matter of fact, thought of a perfect one: a bag with the "I *heart* dachshunds" thing printed on it). There's also the fact that come Friday night EBF will be back. Not that it would impact my life significantly. Goodness knows I won't be at the airport for him like I was when he got back from Boston. Goodness also knows (wise goodness, eh?) that I won't take part in any welcome parties (hosting one would be idiotic, and I most certainly won't be invited to any... awkward). I do intend to buy/cook lunch/dinner for him. Some time or other. Except I kind of sort of depleted most of my spending money when my cousin, my sister and I went out for lunch and I paid for it. Most of what was left after I paid my dad for the lunch we had on the first day of the year. I suppose it helps that my cousins paid for drinks when we went out dancing, but I'm still very much out of money. Can't take it from my sister's money (even if she offered to pay for lunch, either or both). Her hard-earned money went into paying for her tuition. I don't suppose my dad will put that money back for her and my mum. He should, yes. But goodness knows he won't. 

I'd ask for nothing but money for my birthday... but I kind of sort of need a few things like underwear and proper non-disintegrating pyjamas. I also know I won't get separate gifts from my parents for Christmas and my birthday. It's either/or, if not a "Christ-day" or "birth-mas" mash-up worth either of the two. Not that I'm complaining. I realise it's not easy. I'll be doing the teaching practice again this semester so I should have a bit of money to spend later on, but I'm more worried about the fact that I want to get presents for SmTn, EBF, AOB, A, my cousins and my uncle and aunts and I don't have money to get them. Unless I use up some of the dollars I've gotten from my aunt A. Or all of them (and fall short). I don't suppose there's much left in my bank account... 

Heh... just realised SmTn left the price tag on the book he sent... Well, technically I suppose the people at the bookstore forgot when they packed it for him. If I send the mochila, like I intend to, it will most certainly be too much, once you add shipping. All right, even before shipping. And then... it seems silly to send something worth less than the shipping, wouldn't you agree? I'll have to find a way to lower costs on shipping and then maybe it will all be worth it and not so over-the-top. Maybe. I still need to earn some money, quickly.

Funny I should find the old bracelet I got from D while putting away SmTn's cooking book... I really don't know what to do with it. Tossing it in a garbage bin would seem... inappropriate. Holding on to it is just stupid. If I could just give it away... but to whom? It's quite old now, and likely enough will snap with regular use. Can't give it to anyone I particularly care about. Can't think of anyone to give it to, whether I care about them or not... I'm not sure if it's because of how much I (don't) care about the bracelet. It's a keepsake from a man who said he loved me at a time when I believed it. Everything else devalues that gift into foolish wishful day-dreaming that took too long to wake up from. And yet... I can't seem to quite let go, can I, now? What if I just drop the bracelet somewhere for some stranger to find? Can it hold any meaning? What if it just ends up in a trash can? I think that's it: even now I refuse to believe my silly hopes of finding love belong in a trash can. Is there any hope for the future? Can't I let go of this particular memory and make room for future ones? This one is the most tangible piece of evidence, and I somehow need something to hold on to. 

I don't suppose I ever compared D to SmTn before, but... well, there's very little to compare, I suppose. Let's just leave it at that.

I'm debating with myself whether or not it's a good thing there's no evidence that LesMisGuy and I ever made out. I still don't suppose kissing (on his part) is evidence of anything meaningful. CtThumbe pointed out, after snooping a bit (her idea) that LesMisGuy is actually cute. I reckon she was trying to somehow cheer me up in a "you made out with a cute guy!" kind of way, but it doesn't really appeal to me. Not nearly as much as the "I made out with a smart guy!" angle, and then I always end up with "a smart guy made out with me and much prefers I stay the fuck out of his life after that," which is rather depressing.

What have we here, then?

One guy said he loved me but didn't mean it. Moreover, I have reasons to feel he used me as an on-call blow up doll. For a while there (an embarrassingly long while, at that) I told myself I loved him, that it was meant to be, and it was all worth it.

One guy says the loveliest things, but lives far away, with his girlfriend (most likely future wife). For a while there (and you'd know exactly how long) I entertained thoughts of things working out with him. Then I changed my mind and now I'd rather just be glad he exists.

One guy made out with me but doesn't want anything to do with me after the night we kissed. I let myself believe those kisses meant he liked me. I deluded myself into thinking he saw me for who I am and liked me enough to want to be with me. I ultimately decided none of that could be true and still don't quite know how to move on from there.

More than one guy would like to go out with me. See if I care. Right now I only want LesMisGuy. And even that is a very conflicted thought.

Truth is, I want the guy I thought LesMisGuy was. A smart guy who speaks several languages and knows random fun facts. A guy who reads books and can be critical about books, films and other forms of art in general. A guy with a knack for reading people (and in particular me). A guy who has quite a lot in common with me. A guy who can be enough of an ass-hole or a love when the time calls for it. The kind of guy whose kisses would mean something because "not everything goes" should apply to kissing too. At least when dealing with self-proclaimed hopeless romantics clearly wanting more than a one time hookup. 

It sounds very lame, but there's a rather distinct real (physical) heartache that takes over when I think those thoughts. If (the guy I thought) LesMisGuy (was) won't consider me as a friend (even only just a friend), what hope is there? Don't you dare tell me he thinks of me as a friend, now. I'll know it's bollocks.

I don't want to go into talking of friends. It seems to me right this moment that true friendship is also bollocks and then what can an idiot like me hope for?

Sunday, 8 January 2012

*That's* why I'm not supposed to look

I uh... succumbed to curiosity and looked at LesMisGuy's profile on facebook. Last I checked there was an inexplicable laugh and incomprehensible array of letters left behind by some girl friend of his. I look today and find he wrote under that incomprehensible array now making it a sensible statement: "I Love You (care about you?) And Want You To Forgive Me" or something like that... The friend wrote underneath: "well learned lesson"... and... of course I'm going mad trying to make sense of it. Well, not that I can reasonably make any sense of it, really. I'm more stupidly wishing it could somehow relate to me, except for the bit where that makes no sense whatsoever because... you know, nothing ever happened and that's the story I'm sticking to. I try to stick to that story, anyway... 

[8:37pm edit]
My cousin, CtThumbe and possibly others were supposed to come by at 8pm. Everything's been set out, we cleaned up, and there's no word from any of them arriving just yet. Yeah...

I'm beat, truth is we could do without doing anything tonight, leave alone dance, but I asked my cousin if he'd like to go dancing tonight and he said yes. Plans with CtThumbe came to the conclusion that they should come over to play Dance Central. I arranged snacks and laid everything out on the table, too. While they're late I keep thinking of LesMisGuy...

Do you know how I know I'm insane? I actually have to write these ideas down to try and reason with myself. What ideas?.... 

Well, I keep wanting to believe LesMisGuy would somehow be sorry for not contacting me, so I wish he would try to apologise and make up for "lost time" or something, But, frankly, what is he supposed to do? Come out of the blue, say he's sorry, that he cares about me, and expect me to fall for it? If he cared about me I wouldn't be in this situation in the first place. If he cared at all, he'd seek me out. If he wanted to be forgiven, waiting is certainly not a very good way to go about it. Let's be honest now, what reason could he possibly have for disappearing like he did? Are there any good reasons why he'd disappear in spite of caring about me and wanting to be with me? Didn't think so. So, it's that much more likely that it's got nothing to do with me. 

Could be that it's some other girl he wants to be with and fucked up with. Could be that it was advice he gave his girl friend. Much more likely than it having to do sod all with me, right? Why can't I rationally accept that fact? Why can't I just let go? I'm trying to pretend nothing ever happened, right? It's got nothing to do with me, then. It's definitely about someone else. I don't suppose I'll run into contradictions assuming nothing happened. I do, however, run into so many logical flaws assuming he cares about me... thus it can't be true that he does, proof by contradiction.

Just so we're clear, then:
 - he does not care about me
 - in particular, he does  not waste time thinking about me
 - he has nothing to be sorry for regarding me
 - he most certainly won't apologise to me for anything, because there's nothing to apologise for
 - that cryptic combination of letters has nothing to do with me
 - he DOES NOT care about me

[10:33pm edit]
Still blogging, as you may have noticed. CtThumbe is on her way here on a cab. One of the guys from summer school might drop by later. My cousin called a while ago to tell me he'd be very late if he could make it here at all. He'd called a couple of hours ago to tell me he'd be here at 9:30pm at the latest. Can't help but think that if he'd called to let me know he couldn't make it any earlier than just now we might've been able to just call the whole thing off. I almost feel like tidying up what I laid out on the table to snack. It all seems pretty pointless by now. It would even seem silly to greet people so late at night with a freshly laid out table, wouldn't you agree?

I very much hate being let down like this. Makes me very sad, even if it seems childish to be upset over such things.

[1:22am edit]
CtThumbe just left. We had fun, mostly because she's such a good sport. But my cousin didn't call again and never showed up. And now we have to wake up early to go play tennis with him again. And there's quite a bit of food left over... Thank goodness I didn't actually go through too much trouble, other than chopping up carrots, chorizos and an avocado for a guacamole, but it still seems wasteful. *sigh* I said I didn't like the way this turned out, didn't I?

[8:18pm, the next day]
Upside to my cousin not showing up for tennis this morning? I didn't have to wake up quite so early. 

On another note, I was about to write in that I'm being unreasonable again: if I assume nothing ever happened with LesMisGuy then we might as well start over "with the right foot" or something, which again makes way for pesky hope. And then I opened facebook and realised there's pictures of him dancing with some girl and... you know, I try to reason with myself: there's no fucking way he wants me.


Goodness knows I forget EBF got that name in this blog for a reason. I've left no small numbers of messages letting him know the "latest news" and random observations only to find him online and not really writing back. The most I got was a "what?" after I told him about the postcard/cookbook combo I got in the mail. I wrote in around 4am today to let him know I was tipsy for the first time in the history of ever, found him online today and somehow expected some kind of feedback, questions, anything... I, of course, got nothing. I might have known...Quite upsetting really...

[12:57pm edit]

It's almost as if he could read the blog, and then... well, I suppose it's just weird. He was online again, and actually wrote in. I'd be tempted to think I dreamt the whole thing, because that would be very freudian of me. He said he was proud, answering an unspoken need for his approval. We talked a tiny bit, he said he'd be right back and something tells me he won't be back for a good while. We only talked about last night. I figure if he wanted anything to do with the other messages I left he would've mentioned them, so instead I asked about his life and how he's handling his almost-return. I can't help but feel a bit silly doing so and trying to encourage him telling him it's not quite so bad if he'll miss everything and everyone so badly, because he can sort of just go back any time, the hardest part of that (language) being pretty much done with already. I can't help but feel silly, period. 

Saturday, 7 January 2012

To forget something like that...

You'd think I have no manners... 

I completely forgot the reason I woke up early-ish in the morning yesterday. The doorman walked over to hand in the mail that arrived for me, personally. He knows I'd been waiting for something from SmTn and made sure I got it myself. It was much bigger than the postcard I was waiting for. It was a whole cooking book with a postcard. Virtual hugs to SmTn wherever he is as I write this. I thanked him as best I could and now I'm certain I need to send him something.

Friday, 6 January 2012

Pretty sure it's supposed to mean something

I had a dream where I got engaged last night. Basically, I was nice to a guy who wasn't used to people being nice to him (I believe he had some form of disability, he seemed young, about my age, pale, brown hair), and he proposed. I didn't actually answer. He assumed that was a yes. A few people were hyped. Some didn't know (like my parents). When I showed myself resilient to actually marry him, he took off and tried to have sex with my sister under a giant oyster (?) shell. It was odd. Again, dreaming of being engaged to be married and not liking it. 

There was also another dream about a videogame aimed at children which included some very life-like ghosts. Very scary for me, even though I could see it wasn't the point of the game. 

Tuesday, 3 January 2012


I had a dream last night where LesMisGuy and I went out. Or you know, met, because I believe we were here for a good while. Long enough for my mum to be nosy and ask who this LesMisGuy was, and whether or not it was the guy I'd gone out with. Long enough for me to offer him coffee, remembering how he likes lattes. I think I set out to make the coffee on the coffee machine, too (as opposed to using instant coffee, though he said I shouldn't bother). He met the younger of A's dogs, which was introduced as if he were ours (quite insulting, isn't it? I hate it when people think A's dogs are a replacement for my little one). There was something about a soccer match we were going to watch together, somewhere in university campus where a great deal other people had gathered together. In my dream, LesMisGuy liked me and this was obvious. In my dream, I was quite sure we were just waiting for the right time to kiss and I was eager to stay hydrated, lest my lips be chapped or my mouth be dry. 

Dreams are no match to real life, are they now?

Restless mind is restless

I failed to keep track of last night's dreams. All I know now is that there was a bit where Megan Fox said something so quotable about something porn-related that Britney Spears took it to heart. The thing is, it's all I remember now, and, forget about Britney Spears, forget about porn: I keep thinking of how I ended up dreaming of Megan Fox and how I can't stop myself from linking the thought of her to LesMisGuy. Next thing you know I'm wishing I was more like her, I'm wondering if maybe that won't make LesMisGuy like me (not that it would make him like me the way I want him to like me), I'm watching YouTube make up tutorials inspired on her. 

Doubleplusfuck, amirite?

I can't stop thinking about him and really, it's high time I did. But I think of what the fuck I'm going to do when ExamGuy calls to ask me out "for real" and I think of LesMisGuy again. I think of what I'll do if I run into him around campus. I wonder if I'll run into him going out. I debate whether or not to try and take up some kind of exercise routine trying to look good for him and just how stupid an idea it is (for I'm certain it's quite stupid). I'll go on doing the make up because it's fun and I'm positive it's a thing I do for me. I even do it these days when I'm going out in public, no matter how meaningless an errand I have to run. Yes, I could look better, but... do I want him to like me for that? I wish he would share EBF's sentiment: he can't see me as being hot or not because I am me. Couldn't LesMisGuy just like me for me?

I'm still trying to figure out just how hurt my ego is. I'm clearly not feeling too great about my looks, my personality, or any other attractive trait I might have thought I possessed. I'm starting to feel that I also have to question my judgement of character, because I really fucked up with LesMisGuy. If that wasn't it, then I had better stop letting delusions rule out my gut feelings. Either way, I'm not really seeing people right and I used to take pride in that. I let myself fall on my ass, and yes, I realise that's probably me trying to blame everything on myself.

Do you suppose I showed too much/little of myself? Do you suppose I tried too hard? Do you suppose it even matters? Why did I assume he'd like me for me? Why did I allow myself to consider kissing him a victory? Why did I let it mean so much to me? Why didn't I just ask when I had the chance? Why didn't he say something? Why did he sound so harsh and dry the last times we talked? Why does it make me feel so worthless? Why do I let my insecurities get the best of me when reason tells me LesMisGuy not liking me is not necessarily to blame on everything that's wrong with me?

I'm still tempted to believe maybe he's just away on vacation and will try to reach out to me when he gets back. I try to knock some sense into myself: he could at least have attempted talking to me when he was still around. "Some other time" should have meant he'd call and make time to see me. If he were interested he would have tried. He couldn't NOT know I like him. So every couple of days or so I'll delete him from my contacts list so I'm not even tempted to find him online and torture myself thinking "he won't talk to me!" every second he spends online. And then I'll cave in to curiosity and add him again. Or I'll look at his facebook profile and wonder which girl he's more interested in. I'm so horribly pathetic, aren't I?

I'm trying to quit. I'll eventually stop looking for him. I'll eventually give up completely. I will stop thinking of ways he'd see me and like me. I will stop thinking of him whenever someone else shows interest. One day, it will make no difference whether I pretend it never happened or not because I won't care enough. It won't be today, though. My mind is still restless, and insists on grasping at straws with his name on them.

[10:24pm edit]
Busy day today. My sister woke me up so I could give the younger of A's dogs a bath. We then got busy cooking. I made scones (awesome scones), she made cupcakes, I made the frosting. She left with my mum, I stayed busy taking the dogs out, cleaning up, cooking, decorating, setting the table, cleaning up after the dogs, getting everything ready. My cousin, her little boy and her husband came over for tea. They left sometime around 9pm. We cleaned up. I should be a bit more tired, but I'm not. I opened my e-mail inbox to realise SmTn wrote an e-mail. It sounded a bit dry, like he's growing out of it. He'd like to meet me online tomorrow, I'll wake up early (9am, not exactly). He pointed out he's posted new pictures of his travels from a couple of years ago. I was a bit surprised by my reaction to them. I loved all the pictures of landscapes, animals, or just random close ups of beautiful things. I love his vision. I laughed at pictures of him, but I'm not sure why. I thought I'd think of him, sweet SmTn and feel some form of endearment, and instead I just burst into laughter at pictures of him holding fish, or standing on a mountain of rocks. Odd. 

My mind continues to be restless. Can't quite settle. It's even hard to grasp an idea long enough to put it to words, leave alone letters on the screen. I've thought of going out with CtThumbe tomorrow (maybe). I've thought of a conversation I held with PPal a couple of days ago about his sudden state of no longer being engaged because his fiancée was a bit too religious. I've thought of EBF. I've thought of SmTn. I've thought of LesMisGuy. I've thought of AOB. I've thought of A, and maybe making her a bag with the "I heart dachshunds" logo. I've thought of meeting my cousin who came over yesterday (?). I've thought of the things that need to be done and I haven't gotten around to yet. I've thought of ExamGuy. And yet, there seems to be this whirring buzz in my head right now. 

It's as if I were trying to make out images of my thoughts through television static. There's white noise, deafening, and a black and white blur numbing everything out. My aunt MT asked again today if we'd take another dog to replace my little one... such an ugly word, such an ugly phrase, such a repulsive thought... I wish I could talk this out with EBF. I'm already thinking of what to talk about with SmTn tomorrow. I'm suddenly afraid that I'll somehow "lose him." I knew this would happen. More than ever I feel ready to let go except... well, I'm trying to hold on and wishing for approval. 

Monday, 2 January 2012

Who would have thought...?

I just finished watching Disney's "The Black Cauldron" a while ago. So uncharacteristic for Disney, you know? The evil Horned King is far more evil than Maleficent ever was, there are far more graphic depictions of violence, more direct approaches at sexuality in the form of provocative big women, actual deaths, and a somewhat too faithful plot (which accounts for why it makes quite so little sense). It's based on a series of fantasy novels, in turn based on Welsh mythology. 

A quick Wikipedia browse through articles of the book characters tells me they didn't cut out quite as much as they could have. The story makes too little sense for an average Disney film. I can't help but want to read the books. I suppose it will be a nice thing to do when I leave, it should be easy enough to come by the books in a public library... I'm not quite sure how to say it, but I liked the film. I like the fact that the story is a bit nonsensical, that it's so daring, that mythical creatures are mentioned from the start, that it's not quite about the romance and that it's ... well... I suppose I like how "odd" a Disney film it is. And I love the fact that it's loosely based on Welsh mythology. I'm a sucker for such things...

It's funny I should be going back to my fascination with such things (fantasy novels, Celtic/Irish/Welsh folklore and mythology). I almost want to make something of the fact that it was SmTn who first mentioned this film to me, and made me want to watch it. All I'll do is smile, though. 

Sunday, 1 January 2012

Start the year with a blog post

The blog was unreachable for a few days. On purpose. Not that anyone would have noticed, but now you know.

I ended up not going out with CtThumbe on Friday, too hard for her to get back home later. I did go out for lunch with AOB yesterda. And his little brother, and his mum. It was nice. I adore his little brother, you know? He got a kilt, for crying out loud! Too. Much. Awesome. 

Anyway... I wished N1, AOB, EBF and SmTn a happy new year. I found EBF online around midnight last night and went online hoping to talk to him, but he didn't strike up a conversation, I felt stupid, and then chose to appear offline. We had sandwich with turkey, Brie, Camembert, olive oil, olives, balsamic vinegar, rocket and lettuce. Kind of lame. Then we didn't stay up late. We did get all made up, as my mum insisted on it (one of those odd "are you sick and not saying?" hunches took over), which means I did the make up for all of us. My mum insisted on flashy bold purple eyeshadow with strong lips. My sister got green smoky eyes with nude lips. I went for gold eyeshadow with a Kate Moss bold liner (black eyeshadow with water), like in that Dior advert. And pink/red lips. My sister and I wore individual fake lashes. They are surprisingly natural looking. I've still to get the hang of gluing them properly, but I'm quite satisfied with the results. We'll need to buy new ones. I'm hoping the pictures won't be up on facebook, it would seem a bit silly.

The dogs continue to be a pain. No news there. Mum has pointed out my little one really was a darling. No fucking kidding, ma. Of course she was a love! Of course these two are fucking brats! A's parents knew what they were doing when they left us them. 

For reasons I cannot begin to explain, I kept thinking of LesMisGuy. What would he be doing? What would he be dancing to? What would he be eating? Who would he be kissing at midnight? Would he think of me, if only ever-so-briefly? *sigh* I should know better. He doesn't really want to be with me. Actually, it's likely he really doesn't want to be with me. Why do I want to be with him so? 

I'm sort of waiting for an e-mail from SmTn to brighten up a bit. He will always have that effect, I reckon. I don't care if it's never to be. He exists and that's enough. I shall never settle for the guys who just want to get into my pants, just want a hookup or can't really like me for me. There's  man out there, and I actually know where, who likes the way I laugh, knows the way I lean against a wall, thinks I'm a bit like Amélie and thinks meeting me is one of the highlights of his year. It's a bonus that he happens to be the wonderful SmTn. My point is that I shan't settle because I don't have to. I shouldn't have to, at any rate. Not when there are men like SmTn out there. There's hope. I'm not completely hopeless just yet, for a romantic in this day and age. 

I'll maybe go out for lunch with CtThumbe tomorrow. We'll see. I'll find a way to avoid the ExamGuy awkwardness. I believe he understood I wasn't in town when we talked... still not sure about the "how was Thursday?" question. Still hoping he got the wrong number. Maybe CtThumbe will help me think of something. 

I, uh... didn't wish A a merry Christmas, or a happy new year. Technically, my parents were on Skype with her parents on both days and we all wished each other happy holidays and new years. I'm taking that as my social scapegoat. I should still get her something for Christmas, if only a little something (she has gotten me quite awful gifts lately, I really need not put much of an effort). Maybe I'll get her some box of gourmet bonbons. Maybe that will do. That shouldn't mess up her weird hormone problems, right? Right... As for EBF... We'll see if he'd like to see me when he gets back. I'll invite him over/out for lunch/dinner. I'm thinking I should invite N2 along too, but can't help but find it... odd. And then, he won't get a lot of time away from her, which I understand and respect. I'll just butt out of the way, I think. If it comes to that maybe I'll get him a box of chocolates too. Yes, I'm being lame, and no... at this point, I can't be bothered to follow my gift philosophy. To be too honest, the only person I'd get a good gift for is SmTn...