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Friday, 30 December 2011

Restaurants

That's all I remember, sorry. And my aunt MT's shop, except her across the hall neighbour had her shop upstairs and I had to work there for a bit. Very worried about today and people using fake bills or trying to steal stuff. Frankly, my aunt could afford to close shop for a day, wouldn't you agree?

Thursday, 29 December 2011

I'm laughing a little, but I probably shouldn't

I'm going out with CtThumbe tomorrow night, most likely for dinner, after a shift at my aunt MT's shop. That was arranged yesterday, or maybe the day before that. Right now, I'm arranging to meet AOB. He offered to meet me on Saturday, for early dinner/late lunch, with his little brother. Now, I adore his little brother, that's most certainly not the problem here. It's not even that there's a problem to begin with. But I can't help thinking he doesn't want to hear about LesMisGuy, SmTn, or even ExamGuy, and having his little brother there is one way to make sure I don't bother bringing up the subject of my love life. Quite all right, really. In case there should be anything for me to worry about, paranoia-wise, it's good for his little brother to be there. 

Soundtrack update

Quick notice:

"Stay awake" (obvious one)




"Sing sweet nightingale" (took over cleaning up the dogs' mess for the umpteenth time and hasn't left)



Changes

Quite sure someone would tell me this means something...

Two dreams from last night. In one, a man in his thirties, bald, overweight, had asked me to marry him. It would seem I was not so far from just going with it because he was a  nice guy, but I didn't really know him. I talked about it with Q, who sensibly told me not to get married. The ring was a gold ring with a pearl on it. Come to think of it, very unusual for a wedding ring. Some friend of my sister's from school1 asked to get a replica of the ring, which seemed to have gotten lost for a while there.  

In the other dream, I and 4-5 other girls I was friends with in school1 were going on a trip to the US. I'm not sure if we were only doing this because we were on a budget, but we had to hire some odd company ran by a couple in a 4 story building. They would let us stay the night in one city and ship our belongings to another city. We swam a very long stretch, rode bikes for another long stretch, and somehow ended up back in their building. I remember taking a shower in front of 2 guys who were eager to get showers too. I found I was under-prepared for the shower,  not having proper shampoo, a towel, or even clean clothes to change into. I shared breakfast with some other guy: eggs, tomatoes (whole), and ham. I remember wanting to tell SmTn about my journey and how far I'd made it. I think we were trying to get to my aunt A, but now I'm not so sure...

A year ago today

I'm probably 9 or so hours early, but a year ago today my little one died. You didn't think I'd let it slip without some kind of homage, did you?


I still dream about her. I still wish she was still here. I still try to think of ways for her to be alive. I miss her so badly... 


No one else seems to remember. She's only brought up in passing as we talk about A's brats. She's only mentioned when the question of whether or not to get a replacement comes up. I find the question offensive. We will not be getting a replacement. I won't have any of it. She cannot be replaced. I have to question the ability of everyone here to look after a new puppy. 


My sweet little one, my dearest little one, I'm so sorry you're gone. I'm sorry I failed you. I'm sorry the others don't quite seem to care. I'm sorry they're trying to replace you. I'm sorry they're letting A's brats take over. I'm sorry for their lack of tact and understanding. I'm sorry I failed you. I'm so sorry. 


I wish there was some way to make some symbolic gesture in your memory, little one, but I have nothing. For what it's worth, just as I painted my nails dark blue (closest to black) a year ago, I painted them pearly white this year. It sounds so silly... so unworthy...


Little one, most beloved one, I miss you.

Wednesday, 28 December 2011

Loooooost!

I just woke up from a very upsetting dream where the older of A's dogs got lost in the walled city in Ctg and I got out late at night to go looking for him. As I and others looked for him I was told that someone else, who was taking care of my little one, let her get lost about a month and a half ago. Their silly efforts to find her online and not by going out to actually look for her made me very angry. I was almost in tears, running around looking for her, when I woke up. 

There was some other dream where I was looking at LesMisGuy's facebook profile and some guys around me noticed. I was half afraid and then didn't really care if they knew I have a thing for LesMisGuy.

Then there was a dream about a filthy dirty bus. I tried to give the driver wipes and napkins for him to clean with, to no avail.

Tuesday, 27 December 2011

On hope

Hopelessly hopeful. 

I can't quite decide if I'm hopeless, on account of still feeling like shit about LesMisGuy wanting nothing to do with me, or hopeful, on account of the fact that SmTn exists in this day and age. I can't quite say I'm helpless, because I'm well aware of the fact that I've fought my cowardice in order to try and make things work. It's just that I'm too well aware of the fact that a guy who's interested will show it, and LesMisGuy has nothing to show. And yet I'm hoping he will call me, leave me a text message, or somehow try to strike up a conversation. I wish he liked me. I wish he would take everything I've laid out before him, everything I've told him and showed him about myself, all the things he knows that few other people ever get to know, all the things he's noticed about me, all memories of time we've spent together... I wish he could somehow think of it all fondly. I wish he would look forward to seeing me. I wish he would actually see me for me and like me. I'm not saying I want to marry him. I don't need him to profess undying love for me. Is it too much to ask that he like me?

It's come to a point where any thought of the French culture, Megan Fox, the Lord of the Rings trilogy, sports, university, or my childhood somehow manages to depress me. And it's all because he doesn't like me, and I still dare believe he somehow should.

Between that and my little one's death's anniversary, I'm feeling miserably lonely right now. I'd already given up hope on A, AOB and EBF. That leaves SmTn, but we already know that's hopeless, and... well, nothing. LesMisGuy knows me better than most ever will and he wants nothing to do with me. If a guy like him can't like me, what hope do I have? SmTn, happily almost engaged to the girlfriend. Damn it, he doesn't even want to talk to me. And I thought I'd somehow fallen for a good guy, one who's worth it... I thought he'd be good for me, and even managed to convince myself that I'd be good for him. I thought things would move forward from  night out talking and kissing.

Clearly, I shouldn't think so much. I always end up hoping instead. And let's not even mention the things I wish for. 

Monday, 26 December 2011

Definitely not gay

I've been putting off writing about it. I had a very odd dream last night where I was in class with a professor I know is from the physics department, and he asked us to pair up and find someone to make out with. It made perfect sense at the time to choose A, so we paired up. It wasn't nice, at all. At the time it was about being friends and "what the hell?" about it, it was about not wanting to end up with some not-so-nice-looking indian boys who were also without a pair, it was about not being homophobic or anything, but in my dreams A was a terrible kisser. 

In another dream I remember walking in the rain. I had to get somewhere, so it took a while to soak in (pardon the pun) the fact that I was walking in the rain, but once I did it was lovely. 

Sunday, 25 December 2011

For no discernible reason

It's probably just some chemical imbalance and my brain tries to reason some things out, but I can't quite explain why I feel so sad right now. 

It could be that it will be my little one's death's anniversary in a few days. It could be the general crappiness of a gift-less Christmas. It could be the unfair nature of my constant reminders of kissing LesMisGuy, feeling the butterflies, and then having to follow those thoughts with his lack of interest and the subsequent self-esteem low. It could be the fact that I feel like shit for lying to ExamGuy. It could be that I'm hating A's dogs, still, for being such insufferable little brats, and my parents somehow expect me to like them. It could be that AOB doesn't want to see me, but wished me a merry Christmas. It could be that it's been a bit too long since SmTn's last e-mail and I get the feeling that the last e-mail I sent him was rather sappy. It could be none of those things.

Saturday, 24 December 2011

Red

On the occasion of red today, a few things:

1. Merry Christmas, blog! Or, to be more politically correct, "Happy holidays!"

2. A guy stared at me like that wolf in Tex Avery cartoons. My aunt pointed it out. He wouldn't help his mum pick something out for a little girl. He apparently said goodbye a few more times than absolutely necessary. I did my best to hide behind the counter, avert my eyes and be politely distant. 

3. ExamGuy called today. We were busy selling and packing. I picked up anyway, I'm not sure why. He asked how Thursday had been for me. I've no idea what he was talking about. He asked if I'd be around for the holidays and asked if maybe I'd go out with him when we're both in town (I figure he's not in town, from the way he phrased that, though it's odd that he called today anyway). I was flustered and I said yes and regretted it the instant I said it. I'm still hoping he got the wrong person and just took forever to realise it. I feel evil already. I said I'd go out with him and I don't intend to, ever. He wished me a Merry Christmas, so I wished him a Merry Christmas too, and a happy new year. 

*sigh*

I'd better write SmTn an e-mail. 

Thursday, 22 December 2011

Most uncomfortable hunch

I've been going to my aunt's shop the last week or so. That's not news. There's a small community there I could describe in detail, but I won't right now. 

Here's the thing: we're all very careful with kids we see around the shopping centre. We make sure the fellow saleswomen's kids are safe and within sight, and we usually notice other kids anyway. An old man walked in with a girl in a stroller (she must have been about 4) and she kept crying. She said out loud "It hurts!" and there was a sweater bundled up on her lap. Maybe I watch too much television, but I was particularly intent on hearing this girl out and I was even out a few times to check where this old man was headed. He walked through the main hall at least twice and then left, without looking at the shop windows or stopping anywhere. She kept crying for a female figure, said "Daddy, no!" and insisted on "It hurts!" sometimes clutching at her groin. It could be that the stroller's straps were too tight, but then there's a lot wrong with the whole thing anyway. Why put a fully grown girl, with enough energy to walk, in a stroller? Why strap her on if it's too tight? By all means a girl like her is too big for a stroller anyway, whatever happened to holding hands if she was trying to get away?

My mind raced and an unsettling hunch dawned upon me: what if this old man had raped this little girl? What if his walking around with the poor dear crying her heart out for no commercial purpose was actually his way of boasting? What can anyone do if it's just a hunch? Can I tell a policeman that this girl is crying and the man looks straight ahead without even wincing? Can I tell a policeman that the girl is clutching her privates and there's just no justification for that, or the old man's indifference? It still unsettles me... 

Wednesday, 21 December 2011

Various subjects

A few things... motherfucking dogs didn't really let me sleep last night. Up until 8am they were still barking and yapping. I left EBF a message, I needed to tell someone just how much I hate those dogs. He logged on this morning and checked in on me even though he had to study. I'm grateful for that, I really am. It sounds lame when I put it this way, but I thought it was worth pointing out. 

You know, SmTn left a message for all of us in summer school, wishing us all a merry Christmas from him and his friend. It made me smile. It still makes me smile when I check back on everyone else wishing everyone a merry Christmas. Though I doubt that happy holidays wish was a good indication, SmTn is living proof that romance is not dead. I'm grateful for that, very grateful. It gives me hope. I'm very glad I know him. I suppose if it weren't for him I would feel really devastated about the whole LesMisGuy thing.

It's very petty of me, really, but I can't help myself. I've had Cee Lo Green's "Fuck you" stuck in my head all day, with minor variations to the lyrics:




I see you're messin' round town
With random girls and I'm like
Fuck you!

I guess my brains and my looks 
Just weren't enough, I'm like
Fuck you!
And, fuck you too!

I said, if I was with ya,
Well, I'd be with ya
Now ain't that some shit?

And though there's pain on my chest
I still wish you the best with a...
Fuck you!

I *hate* them

A's dogs' first day here. I only saw them sometime around 8-9pm. We followed instructions and put them to sleep in blankets and bed covers in the kitchen. The old one is the one I hate the most. He's got this empty stare, he's manipulative, whiny, spoiled and a I can't stand the son of a bitch or the way he won't go to sleep but barks insistently every 3-4 seconds instead. He wants everything just so and I won't put up with it. We're nice. He could let us sleep. I know he's uncomfortable, but I realise he's also quite spoiled and I refuse to be mean to him to get him to sleep like A suggests. The young one has no sense of respect. He craves attention and has no sense of personal space or personal belongings.

He wants to sleep in one of the beds. No can do, your owners don't allow that, buddy. So he barks, and wakes the young one up and they make a fuss. I went there with my sister and put him to sleep several times. We cuddled him, hugged him, wrapped him up in covers and petted him until he'd  kept his eyes closed for quite a while. Then we left as quietly as we could. He wakes up, gets out of the covers, feels cold and gets out to bark. Like it's our fault he's cold. Yes, I'm aware of the fact that he's next to the draft, but he's under two different covers and my little one never complained so. My little one was always respectful, always careful, always sweet. 

It's when I'm against brats like A's when I realise what a darling my little one was. Even as I told A how they won't let me sleep I went back there and tried to shut them up. I sat there, waiting for them to fall asleep, covering the older one every so often when he changed positions, hated them, remembered my little one, hated them some more and cried. 

I want nothing to do with those dogs. Why does everyone assume I'm supposed to like them, leave alone love them?

Son of a bitch, A says it's actually common for the old one to get up at odd times during the night. Worst of all, they ignore him most of the time because his barking isn't nearly as loud at their place. Fuck.

Tuesday, 20 December 2011

That time of the year

Not Christmas, silly. To hell with that. I meant my little one's death anniversary. They're bringing A's dogs in today. I had a dream where they brought them over with a puppy spaniel, cinnamon and white. I cried when I saw her. I hope I'm actually allergic to A's dogs, I want nothing to do with those and it would make a great excuse.

Sunday, 18 December 2011

Drunk dialling

I had a dream last night where I got a call from LesMisGuy at 1am. I didn't manage to pick up on time but I called back right away, figuring I wouldn't be waking him up. He picked up but said nothing and hung up after a bit. I figured he was drunk dialling. It occurred to me only today after I woke up that it could have also been a booty call. 

Saturday, 17 December 2011

I'm getting faster (maybe)

Alternate title: "I can't stop thinking about him."

Either way, the first word of this post would be

Fuck.

I'm pathetic, that has already been established. I'm quite sure LesMisGuy was never serious, that has been left in writing a few days back. Problem? I don't know if he actually is anything like D, but my grieving process has been the same as it was with D. Want to know how I know? I found myself bargaining. I actually wondered if it would be quite so bad to just have a fling with him, if it could somehow work if neither cared about the other and I somehow settled for just having a somewhat stable fling. Couldn't I just be with him, and to the best of my abilities make him happy and be happy for that? 

I weighed in my case scenarios. It's not like I want him to be madly in love with me, or like I'm expecting him to want to marry me in any future. I just want him to like me for me and genuinely care about me. I want affection, and tender loving care. I wondered if he couldn't maybe fake those so we could both get what we want. I came to the conclusion that I'd be miserable as soon as I found out it was all a lie. Which brings me back to the similarities with D. I really should know better.

I'm pathetic. That had already been established. I'm just more aware of it now. I also may or may not be going through these stages of grief quite a bit more quickly than the last time. I realised I was somehow expecting other players would have half the moral values EBF has, and would make sure the people they're with were well aware of what the plan was from the start. I realised LesMisGuy's simply not that kind of guy and that's what kept me from thinking he was just a player. There are still a few kinks, but, much like with D, I'm willing to ignore those for the greater good of peace of mind before I allow myself to get any hopes up. While I'm still inclined to blame this all on myself somehow (even though I can't see much I did wrong except be bad at reading him) I'll refrain from thinking LesMisGuy's a sociopath, though. I'll call that progress. 

You know what doesn't qualify as progress? The fact that I keep remembering kissing LesMisGuy and I still get butterflies in my stomach. Every. Single. Time.

*sigh*

Thursday, 15 December 2011

Variations of the same theme

So... I know I had a dream about EBF on the night before last, and I even thought it was a rather important one where we talked and the conversation was non-trivial, but I can't remember any of it. I woke up too many times.

I did have a dream I vaguely remember last night, one with LesMisGuy. I had a dream where he asked me out on a date, except the date involved watching animals bleeding, not unlike bull fighting, except I can't remember if it was a bull. It took place in a big stable, and there were quite a lot of spectators. He wasn't with me the whole time. I remember thinking of how I'd told LesMisGuy that I can't stand watching animals or people being hurt and had time to realise it was a stupid idea for a date.

So freudian dreams, on the one hand, if we go with the talking to EBF and going out with LesMisGuy angle, and recurring ones on the other hand if we stick to the hurt animals theme. Very odd. It could also just be my brain looking for patterns where there are none. Bear that in mind for the next paragraph:

I think I've got it all figured out. I'm quite sure LesMisGuy wanted nothing more than a hookup, after all... My strongest evidence supporting that is the fact that he cued me in to try and make out twice. I was a coward so I didn't think much of it until now. He wasn't wasting his time, he wanted to get down to business a lot sooner. I was, after all, a waste of time. 

I'm not quite sure why it's gotten into my head to think LesMisGuy's an idiot quite so often. He can hardly be considered anything other than smart. Even if we go with the player angle, it's been established that I don't usually frown  upon such behaviours, if anything he was smart to get as far as he did. I don't know if it's my inner girl voice I'm channelling, the one who says "Bastard! He doesn't know what he's missing out on! What an idiot!". May be... 


[2 hours later]
Nope, he's not an idiot. I am. 




On another subject, I was out to buy something today, which was 3 blocks away from my aunt MT's shop. It started raining. My aunt advised that I stay until it stopped raining. I didn't feel like waiting, so I walked back anyway. I did what I could to avoid getting too wet, but was still pretty soaked when I got back. Enough to get my aunt and an old lady visiting her to be alarmed for my health and well-being. To be honest, I wouldn't have worried quite so much. It could be the inner child in me, but I actually enjoyed walking in the rain and getting wet. Feeling my face and my hair soak up, feel the drops dripping down my nose. It was exhilarating, in a way I hadn't experienced in a very long time. Can't remember the last time that happened, to be honest. Except it might've been many years ago when a hurricane was close to Ctg and it rained like crazy, so my sister and I stood on the balcony, determined to just go in and let the rain fall on us for a while. Nearly 10 years ago, I think. 

Tuesday, 13 December 2011

I need PETA to watch over my dreams

I had this dream that I was in school1 and someone had tied a device with a bomb to a pigeon's feet. I found the device (which was needed) along with the pigeon on the floor, and carried the pigeon around as gently as I could. Its feet were burned and had no fingers left. I wanted to somehow protect it, heal it. I gave in the device and asked if there was something to be done for the pigeon. I was told it was hopeless, as it would soon die anyway, but I could leave it in one of the 1st grade classrooms. Somehow, as I made my way there, or when I got there, the pigeon was no longer a pigeon, but a grey dog. It slept on my lap and I covered it with my body, trying to keep it warm, comfortable, feeling loved. 

To think last night I had a dream where two dogs watched over me. One of it was a black and white spaniel, which of course reminded me of my little one. Even in my dream I saw her cowering in a bathroom, having been grounded by someone else, and I cried.

Monday, 12 December 2011

At a loss

I'm at a bit of a loss here... If his facebook status update is any indication, AOB passed the subject he was fretting about. No word on going out, though. I almost sent a picture of a baby giant panda saying "the panda wants to know if you want to go out and celebrate" but figured if he's not getting back to me then there's probably a reason for it (i.e. he doesn't want to see me). I won't push it, then. I know he has a thing for boundaries. I was just hoping we could maybe meet, you know? It would have been nice. It does make me wonder, though, just how massively annoying I must be. 

I talked to SmTn this morning. I heard him log online and may have woken up just to chat with him. In context, I suppose that makes me sound desperate. Am I feeling so low that I actually go out of my way just to talk to someone who might want to talk to me? I tried talking to EBF last night. Told him the job offer is no good for him as it's urgent, but I can help with his CV. Silence. I talked to N1 last night. I'm sure she doesn't appreciate me saying how unattractive I find her new half-crush, but she's going to get into trouble again because this new guy doesn't look too serious either. (Yes, I do realise I'm not on very high ground to make that statement.) I've been talking to A too. No news on her guy, he hasn't texted since date number two and she doesn't care enough to bother. I'm trying a bit too hard not to say something upsetting. That leaves CtThumbe. I left her a message asking for her to return the library book she took out on my name. She said she would. She's getting surgery tomorrow. I'll try and remember to send a message, asking if it all went ok. 

I baked cookies all fucking day today. It doesn't look like we made the deadline to pay for university. I know it's not up to me to say, but my parents insisted on French class. They were asking last minute (even though I'd made it clear before) if I couldn't maybe take  only half the subjects and still graduate. They're asking only today if there's some way they can pay half the money today and then the rest later. Mum refuses to let me put in the little money I have saved up (not even a tenth of what tuition will cost, but I figure it all adds up to something). They're really not very smart with money, are they? Mum's arranged to have 20 apple streussels delivered by the end of the week. I'm guessing I'll peeling apples like mad for that too. Today she asked if "our money" (mine and my sister's) could be used to buy the pork for Christmas eve. Of course it can. She just shouldn't call it "our money" like we actually get a real say on what's to be done with it. 

I've yet to send the corrections for my thesis. I'm trying to work on it now, or I was trying, anyway, but I'm not making much progress. I'm already quite embarrassed not to have sent it today. I just didn't have the time and besides the fact that it's too late now, it's just not done. Maybe early morning tomorrow. I probably won't get much sleep tonight, though. *sigh*

This is starting to sound very self-centred. All about me. Count the I's on the paragraphs above if you don't believe me. They seem to be jumping out at me. Life is shit for plenty other people and animals out there but I just worry about why the fuck my parents seem too incompetent (I do realise it's my fault I haven't graduated yet) and no one seems to like me or even enjoy talking to me. 

On different news, they allowed a gay man to adopt two kids. That's good news in my book. Let's see if they can realise this is a good way to help hundreds of children find good homes the government clearly can't provide for them. 

Sunday, 11 December 2011

Basic game theory

Yet another fucking family plan today. Business lunch at my uncle's place this time. My dad drank (too much, as always). Made a fool of himself. My mum's a terrible business woman. I hate the way she does business with the Christmas cookies/desserts. I hate the way she works my sister and I for profit. I hate the fact that my parents pressed asking what had been liked the best from last night's celebration, hoping to score compliments of my work and somehow imply that I deserved payment. Add that to general thoughts of feeling like shit today. In an act of predictable contradiction, I don't think I'll go through with that asking LesMisGuy out as a last resort plan. I'm quite sure that if he hasn't contacted me a whole fucking month after the fact he's most definitely not interested. I would be wasting my time. Seeing how I would, in fact, be losing something and don't have anything to gain, it's really best if I don't bother. 

*insert curse word of choice, add emphasis as necessary*

Is that you, LesMisGuy?

My day today (or, you know, yesterday)... It sucked.

I intended to wake up extra early to help my mum bake cookies, but then fell asleep again and barely woke up at 8am. My aunt MT was coming to get me at 9am so I could help at the shop. That means I had to get ready as best I could to go help her, as well as pack everything I'd need to help with dinner for my cousin's birthday. I got busy at my aunt MT's shop until just before 4pm, when my aunt and cousin came by to pick me up. I forgot my phone. Made it to my uncle's place around 4:20pm. I ended up working with the three women who work at my uncle's place. My cousin, the one "organising" dinner, was away at a concert. She arrived late. I took care of chopping up carrots, making a dip for the carrots, cooking a chicken wing sauce, making sure the pork wasn't overdone, making a sauce for the pork, tons of toothpicks with half a cherry tomato and half a mozzarella ball each, a basil sauce for the cherry tomatoes, and a balsamic vinegar reduction for the cherry tomatoes. Not exactly little. Oh, and add "cooking a sauce for my uncle." I then helped cook the chicken wings, get my cousin's initials on every single mini sandwich, and slice the tenderloin. No small tasks. I took breaks watching television next to my aunt, who pretended she could work next to the television and the blasting music. 

She asked about university and made suggestions on how to improve my average. Made me feel a lot like crap. She every couple of hours or so came by and said "you must be very tired."  There was still no one who would take over the kitchen. Once everything was ready I "rested" watching some more television. I went back to the kitchen again come the time to sing happy birthday. Stood around awkwardly. Played with my cousin's boyfriend's dog. Helped as I could, with what I could. Refused to be "served" and did my best to be independent. Went back to my aunt's side, the telly now showing that Clive Owen/Angelina Jolie film. My aunt was waiting for my cousin's friends to leave. So was I. I figured they'd be giving me a ride. It was down to my parents to come by and pick me up. Sometime around 2am. Maybe a little after 2am. They sent crappy food for me to bring, pretty much some of all of the things I had nothing to do with. 

When I got in the car, after asking how it all was, my parents asked if I'd been paid. I felt like a goddamned call girl with a pimp trying to cash in on the night's earnings. I said I hadn't. Technically, I agreed to it as a favour. I didn't expect to end up being part of the help, nor did I expect to be stuck there well past midnight. I didn't expect payment, nor would I ask for it. I'm not that shameless. I know, it's wrong. It's my time, it's my work, it should cost something. But no one offered and I wasn't going to ask. I'm not going to ask. I'll just suck it up. It was very fucking annoying to find that my parents expected me to get paid, though. Just like my mum offering me for maths classes with spoiled brats, I felt like I was being pimped. 

Company lunch today at noon. My aunt MT may or may not need help at the shop. I believe I'm wanted at both places. I still haven't made corrections to my thesis. 

I left CtThumbe and L3 a message on facebook saying I probably wouldn't be able to make it unless it was late. They'd never confirmed the concert plan and it turns out CtThumbe only wrote sometime after lunch. I suppose it's a good thing I forgot my phone. They wouldn't have called. They expected me to call. Another good reason? Couldn't stop thinking about LesMisGuy. Fuck. I know, not good. That silly "I'm sexy and I know it" song plays and for a reason unknown to me it makes me think of LesMisGuy working out at a gym. 




I half expected him to call, as if he had a reason to call. I cursed, thinking of him and feeling worthless. I cursed some more because I don't know if I want to ask him out anymore. I feel I'll just humiliate myself a little more, putting myself so "out there" for someone who clearly couldn't care less. I keep wishing he could look back on kissing me and at least smile a genuine smile. I wish I was worth something to him. It really doesn't help to feel so worthless in every other aspect of my life right now. 

I can't believe I logged on to messenger just because he appears online from his phone. Fuck. 

Friday, 9 December 2011

It's almost as if I were a good mathematician

So... My thesis defence was yesterday. I realised, only too late, that ThPr never really made as many corrections as he should have. I realised, only too late, that I hadn't been really reading through my work. I realised, on time, that I actually understood a bit more than I gave myself credit for. I was up until 4am getting tiny cards ready. I was on campus at 9am with my sister. We met SweetGuy. I love him. He made my day. On to the rest of my day, I practised with ThPr and it didn't look too good. He had to teach me a last minute definition because it wasn't really clear from the way he'd described it in an e-mail. It's a bit of a wonder that I managed to remember it correctly when I was asked about it during the defence. It's even more of a wonder that I managed to finish on time, and look like I knew what I was talking about. Biggest wonder of all? I scored a 5.0. I got compliments from the professors. They were incredibly  nice and even would've invited me for lunch if they didn't know I had arranged to meet CtThumbe and L3. That last bit was a tiny bit disappointing, though. CtThumbe didn't show up, L3 did. She didn't stay all through the defence. When we met for lunch it took forever for them to come over and then when it was mostly them talking to one another about people I don't know. It was uncomfortable. I wished I'd been with the professors. They were just so nice... 

I also don't have to turn the papers in until February, if I were graduating then, or June (as I won't be done for another semester). I'll have to double-check, but I think I'm all done. I do have to make corrections, I'm a bit embarrassed with the judge, you know? He said to send the file again and he'll make corrections over that one instead. Seems fair enough. I just wish ThPr had caught more mistakes before I came around to it. 

That, uh... well... CtThumbe and L3 want to go to a reggae concert on Saturday. I said I'd go. It will be a celebration of sorts for my good grade. You know, A didn't ask. I left her a message saying I scored a 5 and she then had to ask on what. EBF hasn't gotten back to me even though I know he was online sometime around 10am today. I left AOB a message. He still doesn't know about his troublesome subject, but he said my grade was awesome. I realised SmTn had written me an e-mail when I got back around 6pm last night, so I sent a very brief celebratory e-mail telling him the good news and promised another real e-mail to come later. 

...

I know. Later.

A longer version of my day yesterday. I was with CtThumbe and L3, later FlowerGuy and MusicGuy until about 3pm. My sister and I got on a bus and agreed that my mum could pick us up but my sister wasn't 100% clear about where so we ended up waiting at the nearby mall for over an hour. I would have considered walking if I hadn't spent all day (from 8 to 5) in heels. My feet were killing me. Now it's my shins, but on to other matters. My parents wanted to stop and buy some groceries, and my aunt MT was coming over to light candles at night, so they asked to think of something to offer her. I had an odd craving for white wine infused with green apples, served warm, so I concocted a menu around fondue and (what I later found out was called) mulled wine. My parents actually remembered Jamie Oliver did a recipe infusing wine to be drank, so I took a few things from his recipe. He claimed his tastes like Christmas. I'm not sure what mine tastes like but it was really good, and that's coming from me.

linaThumbe's mulled wine:
100g sugar
1 green apple into 1cm slices
1 bottle of rosé wine (Chilean)
a pinch of clove powder (about a clove, I figure)
half a nutmeg, big pieces
the zest and juice of an orange
the zest of a lemon
a small cinnamon stick
half a teaspoon of vanilla extract

Make a syrup out of everything but the wine, adding only just enough wine to cover the sugar. Add the rest of the wine and wait for it all to be hot. Strain and serve. Voilà awesomeness. The apples were actually pretty good on their own after this, too.

We had fondue with baguette, the mulled wine, broccoli, salami and chorizo. It was all very nice, really. My aunt MT then stayed over to play cards. She left at 10pm. I was exhausted

Fun fact, when I first woke up this morning around 10am (courtesy of my sister singing too loudly) I noticed EBF was online so I went online too. Not a word. I fell asleep again. I actually had a dream where we talked about my grade. Nothing. I had to check and see if it didn't, perchance, happen and get mistaken for a dream. No log. My parents are in an uproar, and an aunt almost cried when she hugged me to congratulate me today at a birthday family reunion.  I know AOB said it was awesome, and A tried to be happy, but the only ones to try to go see me (and then not really) were CtThumbe and L3. If I celebrate the grade it will most likely be with them. And it was horribly odd to be so isolated, knowing I'd passed up on being with such sweet professors who'd offered to invite me for lunch, to be with them instead. It really sucked to have no friends, you know? It really sucked to find that EBF didn't leave a message for me either, and that he didn't try to talk to me when I logged on. Very anti-climactic. I never would have guessed I'd score that 5.0, and I'm furiously happy about it. I'm just sorry that I can't really share that with the people I care about.

That leaves the subject of LesMisGuy, which, as you could probably tell, I've been putting off. Since handing in my thesis isn't quite so urgent, I'm supposed to ask him out as a last resort thing, right? I might be having second thoughts about that. I intend to do it, I made a plan and I want to stick to it. It's the reasons that keep changing all the time, you know? I mean, after a month of him not even attempting to contact me I should be certain that he really doesn't want anything to do with me. I still can't think of a single good reason why, though. A part of me wants to believe I was somehow wrong and he might want to see me. That part of me keeps being proven wrong every single day that goes by without him doing so much as saying hello. 

Talking to A about how N1 called her a player made me realise something. N1 tells herself how much she likes a guy so she can feel "safe" and "right" in her Christian morals about having the hots for him. To be honest, I don't think she's had feelings beyond "having the hots for a guy" and everything else has been made up. She falls for alpha male type guys and tries to pass off shameless raunchy flirting as sweet, or common sense good manners as worthy of a prince. Then she feels justified saying all the guys want is sex and feels a bit too righteous about holding a position where she thinks she's in it for so much more, yet she strives to get nothing more than frivolous, inconsequential action because she's a bit too hormone driven.

I noticed that I too try to over-romanticise all interactions with the opposite sex, but for different reasons. Unlike her, I don't think sex is a bad thing, nor that meaningless sex just for the sake of being horny is something reproachable. I do, however, find myself unable to have meaningless sex, give meaningless kisses, hold hands and not mean it. It just feels weird. That night with LesMisGuy, it's not that I didn't like him running his hand up my thigh, it felt wonderful. To prudish me, though, it seemed like too much, too soon, and without enough serious talk about feelings of some sort or other. There was none. It may have a lot to do with my experience with D, and how he knew to tell me I still rocked his world (however unenthusiastically) and have me be his gf to get what he wanted. I know it wasn't bad with D (though, to be honest, I much preferred LesMisGuy's kisses). I know that, at the time, I enjoyed myself. I even liked giving him blow jobs. I won't take that back. What I hate is knowing that it meant nothing to him and that I invested myself too much. I'm a bit too giving, if you will, when it comes to relationships. I'm all for making the other person happy, even at my expense, and that lays the groundwork for some major falling on my butt.

Reminded me of that Demo comic: people who've liked me, with the possible exception of R1, didn't like me for me. They just like my good looks, and I don't like those much (though I admit something in the SmTn ego boost is helping with that). I thought that LesMisGuy had had a chance to get to know the real me and like it. I'm only now slowly accepting the fact that he's probably no different from the other guys, and he just sat through whatever he had to to get to the point where we kissed. I suppose he might've expected to get more out of what he had to stand, and figures I'm not worth it. Truth is, I'm most likely not. I don't even have experience on my side to say I could offer him an awesome sexy time. I'm very willing and I'm very indulging: I'll do anything to make him happy. Is it too much to ask that he be serious about me before I commit to that sort of thing? It might be too much to ask of someone who wanted nothing more than a hookup. That's the thing then: I'm afraid of being used. I have to justify to myself that I'm not being used or any sexual experience will make me miserable. I could tell myself it was all right with D because he was so intent on the aspect of communication, something I knew was a big deal, but it was evident only much later that it really wasn't.

I was somehow hoping that all the insight LesMisGuy got would turn into him liking me for me, and moving on from there. Not backing away from everything more than the pretty girl guys seem to see in me. Very disappointing. I like to believe I'm funny, and interesting. I know I'm not all that smart but I'm pretty smart. Am I really so wrong about the way I see myself? Why is it so hard to like me?

I'm hoping against hope that LesMisGuy would want to see me again. I'm sending that text. But if I meet him, I'm afraid I'll walk into it already heartbroken. All the other guys were creepy, they were just into my looks. I'm not sure why I thought LesMisGuy was any different, but I figure it had a lot to do with wanting him to be different.

Tuesday, 6 December 2011

Wish me luck, blog

CtThumbe wrote to ask if I was ok with her and the others coming to watch me defend the thesis. It's a very sweet gesture on their part, you know? It's still not looking 100% great, and I reckon I still have to remember quite a lot before I'm really prepared, but I don't feel bad about it. I'm practically done. That leaves not so minor corrections, come to think of it (yeah, found quite a lot of mistakes making the presentation... can't believe ThPr missed them). I'm hoping it won't be so bad, though. Once I turn it in for good, I'm asking LesMisGuy out one final time. Even if by now it's clear that I should have taken the hint. It would be awesome if he were the one to come forward, but I really can't hope for that. I also briefly wondered if he would maybe consider going to watch me speak. But really, if he couldn't wait 10min after the differential geometry exam he sure as hell won't go all the way to campus... *sigh*... back to work it is...

Monday, 5 December 2011

Waste

In case nothing else accounts for the moods lately, yes,  I do happen to be on my period. Possibly due to that, though it could also have something to do with the massive amounts of junk food I've been indulging in lately, my breasts are huge, as in, I lie down and they're still quite "thick" spread out. It will sound a bit silly, but if things had been working out with LesMisGuy, you know, moving forward, that would actually be a nice thing. Instead it's just uncomfortable because my bra feels too tight. So, that's a waste.

On another front, it would seem I'll be one of the first people to defend their thesis this semester. Means I was supposed to have quite a bit more time on it. So, that's time not spent sleeping because I'm in a hurry to get that done and I'm not even supposed to be in that big a hurry. Good thing is it will be all over with soon enough. All I gotta do is make sure to talk to someone and make sure I won't be missing anything at all once I'm done with next semester. That would be a waste, too. 

You know what's a waste? Giving advice of any kind to N1 and A. Frankly, I'm quite tired of it. When I'm reasonable they ignore me, when I try to be understanding they're stubborn, when I try to show alternatives they dismiss them. And I reckon it's not bad advice, either. They just won't have any of it. It's a waste of time.

I wonder if asking LesMisGuy out will be a waste of time. I want to think it's not. I wonder if he somehow feels he wasted his time going after me. Am I a waste?

Sunday, 4 December 2011

Tiiiiny breakthrough

I just figured it out: LesMisGuy  is consistently inconsistent. That is all. 


[12:13am edit]
For all the sense I'm trying to make of it, EBF points out LesMisGuy could just be a ho. I don't know if he's a very clever ho, knowing how to get to Saturday night a few weeks ago knowing I was the target, or a very stupid one for choosing me as a target, because it took way too long to get to that point. If he is a ho... well... Shit. 

Saturday, 3 December 2011

That's just awesome

CtThumbe left a message saying tonight's plan will most likely not take place. And I've yet to mention a growing urge to talk to LesMisGuy, if only because I've nothing to lose. Still wish he'd call, you know...


SONOFABITCH, BLOGGER!!!!!


Is it that hard to not fuck up when I'm writing a post? I'd written up quite a bit here and just as I hoped to save it, instead of asking if I'd like to leave this page without saving my information, it just jumps out to showing that I'm not signed on even though I was already writing a post. Really blogger. I do realise I whine quite a bit, but it's none of your business, you don't get to judge on what I write and it's not like anyone's reading anyway. You're not sparing anyone and you're keeping my sanity out of grasp.


I just wanted to say, as I won't bother writing in full, knowing I won't manage to write it in again, I'm wondering if maybe LesMisGuy did think it was meaningful and somehow managed to believe it was me using him and that's why he hasn't called. Maybe. I don't know. It made more sense before blogger decided to delete my sensible questions and pointed out bits of memory I can't quite call facts. I really want to see LesMisGuy again. I almost want to try asking him out, you know. But I don't want to be the idiot who couldn't take a hint. He knows where to reach me. He knows I want to see him. He should know I really like him. 

Friday, 2 December 2011

Irony

A's out on dates with a guy she's not all head over heels for. It's going incredibly well, if you factor out A's lack of interest or ability to at least be excited about it.

N1 made out with the guy she's head over heels for. They were both tipsy. He wants to meet her today, and his pretext is business. Want to bet? I'm thinking that will actually go well, and could turn serious.

I'll stop here, if you don't mind. The title says it all. And I do believe I'm using the word correctly.

Why do I keep waiting for him to call?

I can't help myself... I keep checking my phone, hoping to find a missed call, or a text message. I hope against hope that he'll want to see me. And then, when I ask myself "why would he want to see me?" I can't seem to settle on an answer, and it becomes glaringly obvious that I must be insane to expect anything. EBF said to keep my expectations low. Why can't I do just that?

Things to be happy about... and then... not so happy

Latest batch of awesome arrived in three separate packages:

1) I love Stephen Fry. I don't know why I'd forgotten that.

2) SmTn wrote. Sounds silly but it always makes me smile.

3) I PASSED DIFFERENTIAL GEOMETRY!!!!! (and for good measure, !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!)

Problem? After sending EBF and A messages letting them know I passed, and sending SmTn a brief e-mail (promising a proper e-mail later), I wanted to see LesMisGuy and celebrate this small academic victory with him. Which, of course, brings me back to all the gloomy feelings from... only every post since November 12th, I believe. *sigh*

More suspects

Still trying to figure out what went wrong with LesMisGuy. Obsessive much? I was talking to A, and it occurred to me that maybe fingering on the first make out session is "standard procedure," which would explain why LesMisGuy was running his fingers up my thigh. But I stopped him. It was a reflex. I didn't even think "how do I stop him?" I just ran my fingers up his arm and he stopped. It was an instinct. It was too much, too  soon. The romance gauge wasn't nearly full enough. It felt good, yes. Just the tiniest bit clumsy, but it felt really good. I just didn't feel comfortable with it. I suppose I needed some reassurance, some sweet words, some sweet gentleness indicating affection and not just sexual attraction. 

I want to believe that a girl on her period would've stopped him too and he'd just try again some other day. I want to believe it's not such a critical factor. I want to believe that if any of my "meaningful" (but-not-really) factors were in anyway applicable, if he, you know, cared about me, it wouldn't matter and he'd just go slow. I worry that with the things I said, I must seem like a huge hypocritical prude to him, because the hopeless romantic bit probably didn't factor into his reasoning. I happen to believe that if he wanted a hookup and I was enough of a prude to say no to fingering then he knew better than to insist, even on future dates, figuring it's just easier to get what he wants elsewhere.

No matter how positive an attitude I may have towards sex, I can't help but stop myself short of acting out on how turned on I may be on account of how un-wooed I am. Is a little romance really too much to ask for? I'm sure someone would try to cheer me up saying "if he can't go at your pace then he doesn't deserve the things that come later" but I keep finding a way to blame it all on me.  Why wouldn't he want to wait? Am I so not worth it? Did he figure talking for hours was enough? We should have addressed actual feelings for one another. Even then, the hand holding in the end makes no sense... It's supposed to be a caring gesture, isn't it? Holding someone's hand in both of yours? Proof by contradiction: if it were, we would've talked and maybe met again by now, hence the hypothesis is false. Fuck.


Not sure it's related: I've had "Postcards from Italy" (Beirut version, why did Florence and the Machine do a cover?!) in my head since yesterday.