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Wednesday, 30 November 2011

And now I'm back to wishing for the impossible

I can't stop thinking about how badly I want to see LesMisGuy again. Can you tell pretending none of it ever happened isn't working? I gotta give EBF tons of credit though. He's really helping me pretend it didn't happen. He hasn't brought up the subject, even though we did have a lengthy-ish discussion about sex, sex lives and more specifically A's issues with intercourse. I won't delve into that here, you know, privacy, or the illusion thereof. I'm just glad EBF didn't ever bring up my experience, or LesMisGuy. I have to admit I might've cued him once or twice, but it didn't happen and I'm glad it didn't. I really shouldn't mope. Telling people I'm pretending it didn't happen sort of helps with that. N1 decided LesMisGuy's a jerk. I'm pretty sure CtThumbe will decide he's being a jerk like all men are in her opinion. I can't agree with them because I'll insist on making it my fault somehow. I can't agree with EBF. And A doesn't seem to have much of an opinion about it. So... I guiltily waste my time thinking about LesMisGuy and how badly I want to see him again, kiss him again, do more than kiss him and let him do more than kiss me. I keep on wishing there were some romance to it and can't help but realise that it was never really there and I've been questioning the whole thing from the very night it happened. My latest suspect for what went wrong? Having mentioned I'm insecure.

*sigh*

By the way, CtThumbe invited me to some party on Saturday. I agreed without knowing anything more about it. 


[1:29am edit]
After another pretend-shrink session with A, I started talking to EBF. Forget what I said a while ago, we ended up talking about LesMisGuy. Well, we briefly talked about him, the real subject was whether or not I'll get laid any time soon and what my issue with sex is. My issue is that I'm a hopeless romantic and always place meaning in physical contact, therefore I can't have sex without a little romance to ease me into it. Failure to do so ends with me feeling used and miserable. I deduced that finding the right person and circumstances to have sex is not so unlike getting the Tournesol in Final Fantasy XII: easy to follow set of instructions, horrible odds of getting everything you need. It's all a matter of time. I mentioned how A wants me to tell LesMisGuy off but can't find a single good reason to follow that advice. EBF pointed out he broke no agreement and I agreed. I lamented the fact that the meaning of that Saturday night was quite so different for us. EBF said maybe LesMisGuy wanted nothing more than a hookup, but agreed it really is weird that he held my hand in both of his while we waited for the check. I just pointed out again that I'd rather forget it happened than suffer through the mindfuck of not understanding why it meant nothing to him. And now we're just talking about life on the other side of the world.

Tuesday, 29 November 2011

I wonder what, if anything, should be interpreted here

I had a dream where I was on the road to school1, sometimes travelling from high up, sometimes travelling by car. I could see lots of plants with food on them, and when we  were up high I remember seeing giant (60cm+ in diameter) snails, which might've been snakes and snakes' skins... There were bell peppers (except someone pointed out they weren't real edible bell peppers), cucumbers of the weird hollow type, and quite a few other things I can't remember. I pointed out we could put together a small meal with everything we'd seen. It's hard to remember properly now, but there was also this bit where several people and I were staying in Ctg and I wondered whether to stay in a hotel or not. It was a very small town and shops closed up early at night. 

Was that it?

Minor detail I might have neglected to mention from that night two weeks ago on Saturday with LesMisGuy... you see, he lightly ran his fingers up my thigh. It only just now occurs to me quite clearly that he might've hoped to feel me up. Was the fact that I stopped him, coupled with calling myself a prude and having done almost nothing crazy ever what made him decide to stay away? Is A's experience enough to deduce that feeling a girl up while making out is standard procedure? Am I, in fact, too much of a prude for stopping him? Is that it? I want to believe that it shouldn't matter, but I'm afraid it does. It doesn't mean I wouldn't have him feel me up in any near future... it's mostly the public setting that makes me particularly uncomfortable in all of this. And the first time nature of the whole thing. Goodness, I like him, and I want him... yes, that way... I just don't like rushing into it. I'm a hopeless romantic, remember? I can't do it without a few nice words here and there,  it's not quite enough with just kissing as a preamble. I know it was glorious and maddening, but is it too much to ask for a little spoken language before moving on from just kissing? Couldn't he hope to ask me out again and try a bit more? Are there absolutely no feelings on his side? Really? He won't try? Is that why? Is it because I'm a prude? I would've thought it was clear that I'm a sexually liberated prude, what with defending porn and whatnot... but maybe I'm wrong. Maybe he doesn't quite read me right. Maybe he doesn't like me for me. Maybe I was very wrong about him... Still not feeling better. 

Monday, 28 November 2011

Thought I was done with these

Evidently, I was wrong. I had a dream last night about a family reunion. SmTn came over, and my little one was here. I was wearing pyjamas. No one seemed too surprised by SmTn. They did seem surprised by the fact that he talked about my little one. Goodness knows that's a banned subject around me. Not that my parents know...

Sunday, 27 November 2011

Look at me giving out advice

A's date actually went well. You want to know how I can tell? The guy's texting her, willing to talk to her again, and will most likely ask her out again. It's funny how she's incredibly stoic about this and really could almost not care less (or at least pretends so, try that empowering argument). It's funny how I'm now trying to defend the idea of going out with guys, the mere mention of which she finds slutty. I try to tell her all she has to do is go out, enjoy herself, feel empowered, get an ego boost, and maybe she'll eventually start to care enough to be happy along the way. *sigh* Can't win, can I? No need for contrast. A's experience speaks for itself. 

And now I have to dream these things

Quite an eventful night.

As for my dreams, I remember quite a few of them. We'll see how many we manage to get down before I forget. For one there's one about a field day in school1. I was there with A and friends/relatives of A. The ground was muddy, puddly and full of manure. At an odd time as we looked around for a place to sit down on the floor, I received the longest text message from LesMisGuy. He excused his disappearance, said he cared about me, told me about things he'd been up to lately, said he wanted to ask me out for lunch at my favourite restaurant but the timing was off and quite a lot of other things. I suppose I dreamed he told me everything I wanted to hear/read. For some reason unknown to me his uber-long text message came in a Pokèmon background and I kept having to move back and forth to read on where I left off. I showed it to A, but she was sceptical. Since I was at the field day, we couldn't possibly go out immediately.

There's another dream that took place in school1. In this dream I was famous and I was a performer not unlike Victoria in Victor/Victoria. There was a fancy dinner party to be hosted at the school cafeteria. I took a seat with two women who were rather out of manners, but they were friends. My spoiled brat cousin got into an argument about feminism with a certain cancer-ridden neighbouring president. My aunt intervened from a distance. The food wasn't all that nice. Before this I was answering questions for a journalist. I was testifying about a man who'd caused trouble at a restaurant and the things I was saying would get him in trouble, so I was quite afraid when he walked by and they made us huddle up for pictures. This had happened before: I was in a restaurant and a man had come in and behaved very rudely. So the waitress waiting on him had taken away his plate and told him to leave. I had an unbelievably civil talk with him and told him that he either had to leave or apologise. He finally opted for just leaving. He was quite the scumbag... 

There's a bit of a dream that was quite Alice's Adventures in Wonderland-ish. Mostly I just remember a bit where there was a room full of doors. Upon opening a particular set of doors one found that there were only more and more doors behind those. Somehow, opening a door yielded a key to open the next, and one would hope for a particularly special key to be lying behind the last door. Not sure what that was for, it turned into an FF accessory kind of key that allowed you to carry more accessories. 

The last dream I remember involved having to pee in a very small bathroom, and then having to finish dressing outside of said bathroom because girls from school1 were waiting to go in. A not-very-nice lady ran the place. 

Now for waking life news. A went out on a date with a guy last night. She likes him. They appear to have a lot in common. She had fun. I did my best to stay awake and leave settings that would wake me up whenever she sent me a message, but after a while I just fell asleep. Come 7am when my alarm to let me know EBF has signed in woke me up, I realised A had left a message at 4:30am. They made out in his car. I want to be happy for her, and I want to be supportive. I do what I can to at least pretend to be happy via messages. It's very hard, though. I'm feeling very hopeless regarding this whole dating life thing. I can only hope it will go well for her and then I have to realise she'll be gone in a month and it's doomed anyway. I'll try to be supportive. I won't judge. I won't mope. Even though A asked if LesMisGuy had manifested himself to me and I had to say, in as stoic a voice as I could manage, that I had to give it up already. 

Saturday, 26 November 2011

Granted, it wasn't a good idea to begin with

I was in the mood for a chick flick. I already watched The devil wears Prada and some other one I don't even know the name of, so I asked A and N1 for suggestions. N1 suggested the Twilight saga, which I refuse to even try on a matter of principle. A wisely suggested one that was more of a comedy with not too much romance in it. Being the idiot that I am, I ignored A's suggestion and went for The Notebook. I don't suppose I need to say anything more. 


[6am edit]
EBF got back to me: evidence being what it is, he agrees with me. At best, it was just a one time thing for him. I'm starting to wish none of it had ever happened. I'd rather doubt my sanity than lose it.

Friday, 25 November 2011

Misreading

CtThumbe sent a text message around 8pm, asking if we should go out. I wrote back asking where to. She called around 9pm from a stranger's number. I picked up, figuring it was her, but by then I just really didn't feel like going out. I excused myself saying it was late and I was already in bed. No word about how I feel and how that's actually the thing keeping me in bed, wanting to curl into foetal position and cry. I opted for watching television, as it spares me the trouble of having to think. There are no good shows or films, so I settled for Cirque du Soleil. And I happened upon the one (because I don't believe I remember any more and I've seen quite a few) that has love stories. So tastefully romantic, so beautiful and full of meaning. 

Of course, it's not the best choice when I'm trying to wrap my head around just how meaningless the kiss actually was, or how meaningless that makes me. I feel so... meaningless, unwanted, undeserving, disappointing.... Really, what possible explanation is there for his lack of contact? How hard could it be to stay behind after the differential geometry exam? How hard could it be to start a conversation through text messages, or instant messages? How tight could his schedule be that he couldn't find a few hours to go out for coffee? How horrible was it to kiss me? 

To think I had a nice time and dared believe he had a nice time too. To think I'd like to do it again and dared believe he'd like that too. To think I thought it was all so meaningful and dared believe it meant something to him too. I'm too easily heartbroken, aren't I? Is it that it piled on top of figuring SmTn will snap out of it? Is it that I attach too much emotion to physical interactions? Is it that I invested too much of myself into this? Is it that I saw someone else in him? Is it that he's actually not unlike D? Is it that he used me? 

It certainly feels like he did. And even then I must've been so terrible he won't even try to kiss me again. How else would you explain any of it? He knows I like him! He knows  it's not easy for me to like someone. He knows I'm very nitpicky about physical contact and personal space. He knows this. It's been shown and said in no uncertain terms. I can only deduce... he's just not that into me. Maybe he never was...

Hint-->taken

5:30pm... I, uh... happen to know through facebook that LesMisGuy's got plans for tomorrow night. Taking that and the fact that he hasn't called into consideration, along with the fact that he just said "some other time" as opposed to "Friday/Saturday/next week" has me thinking that I should probably just take a hint already. I don't need to point out it makes me pretty miserable.

Thursday, 24 November 2011

*bashes head against the wall*

So, mostly because I really want to see him, I sent LesMisGuy a message asking if he'd like to go out. One nerve-wrecking hour later, he says a friend of his is at his place, so some other time. I write back "some other time, then." And even if the message of the song is completely different, even if it's actually not even appropriate, I can't get the lyrics out of my head "why don't you like me? why don't you like me without making me try?"




... It's bad enough that I've come to realise I keep expecting things to fail. LesMisGuy's answer didn't get in at just any moment, it came in as the idea that he isn't that into me started to settle in. I'm still expecting him to just disappear. I'm just waiting for the bit I can clearly read as "take a hint already! I'm not that into you!" and it's tearing me apart. It's kind of like the way I expected SmTn to just decide to disappear and snap out of whatever he feels for me. Except he didn't and he actually wrote yesterday wondering what had happened to his friend, worried that he might've done something wrong. And that's the thing: SmTn's worried about me the exact same way I'm  worried about LesMisGuy, except I worry a few hundred times more because, yes, I actually am that insecure. So now I'm watching stand up comedy because maybe it will keep me from breaking down completely into a "he doesn't like me!" whine. 

Remembered the dreams, forgot the title

Dreams... quite a few of them...

I neglected a dream I had on the night before last where a dragon granted me superpowers under contract, which means I could only use them for purposes he approved of, or else he could kill me. I only remember him calling me, which was presented as a gust of wind running through an empty and dark house. I ran in the direction of the wind and I was lifted over 1m off the ground as I stared at the sky through a glass pane on the roof. 

Then dreams from last night. I remember one about superheroes, and in particular I remember twins called left inverse and right inverse, who had some kind of bonding superpower when together and other "regular" superpowers on their own. I believe I might have taken bits of Mika's "We are young" video for this on.

In another dream I remember either me or some woman asking for money for charity at the mormon temple. Unsuccessfully.

Then there's a dream about LesMisGuy... I had a dream where I asked him out and he agreed to meet me. It took a while to actually meet and when we did he said he had to be somewhere by 9pm so we'd have to be quick. I waited for him at a bar where I started drinking a Coca-Cola and playing on a computer. He arrived and, before talking to me, talked to a group of guys making bets on some kind of machine. LesMisGuy took them on the bet made some kind of very smart guess and blew their minds. He joined me, we paid for my drink and even as we paid for it I had time to tell him how sexy I thought it was when he won the bet by being smart, even if I didn't know what he'd done, and I kissed him. I think we kissed again on the car and I got a snippet of a remark trying to make the kisses mean something. 

We got on our way, which meant he brought me here and my dad and my sister drove us wherever he was supposed to be. Apparently I'd be joining him. My sister and my dad were quite annoying, wanting to take pictures and keep record of LesMisGuy. He was ok with it, but I wasn't. We arrived at a party in some apartment. Even as we walked in we split up and I was briefly stuck with a group of old ladies. One of them put make up on me which was somehow important later but I can't remember why anymore. LesMisGuy sat on a couch with two girls. One of them started getting a bit too cosy with him and the guy that girl was with told her to move. They called me. They made the girl next to LesMisGuy get up so I could sit next to him. LesMisGuy and I talked. 

He was giving me a complicated explanation of "where we were." He said we were at a stage where we could kiss and have that be meaningful, and have sex with it not being meaningful. He  said the door was open for moving on to the next stage (where sex was meaningful) because he somehow felt "that strongly about me." There were videos he'd put together to explain each stage. For some reason I'd already seen the videos he'd shown me and I knew there were more and I'd already seen those too. The ones he didn't show included one where a blonde woman dominated him. He said he'd put those together himself. I was a bit stunned by this and found it a bit kinky. Kind of unexpected, to be honest, as he seems so vanilla... That's' about all I remember from this dream in particular.

The last dream I remember involved my dad bringing over a new dog, a very unpure yellow labrador, quite small for its breed. She was very sweet, but untamed, and while I was nice to her I wasn't particularly glad my dad had got her. Once, as I petted her as she lay belly-up I noticed she too had mammary tumours, and I pointed this out to my mum. They seemed annoyed by the fact that they'd have to spend money on such things, because apparently they'd thought this dog would be so cheap to maintain. They said they'd put off the surgery to remove the tumours. I was pissed. 

Wednesday, 23 November 2011

Hello overeating, hello junk food

Very likely on occasion of the "Why don't you like me?" ringing in my head, I've had nothing to eat but junk food, all day. And I'm actually quite hungry (as opposed to a couple of weeks ago when I could barely eat two meals a day). So there... I'll wait until tonight/tomorrow morning and ask EBF for advice on where to ask LesMisGuy out, and then decide on asking him out tomorrow or on Friday. If I get a no I'll just take the hint and start cursing at fruit (diss-a-fucking-pear). I'll do my best not to mope too much. I'm already holding out on telling anyone how miserable I feel, I just mentioned LesMisGuy's "oh! hi!" to EBF and A. Without saying anything else, they both agreed it's not exactly good news. I want to talk to him so badly, you know? I just don't want to be a drama queen about it. I just... I want to hear it wasn't meaningless, but I'm afraid it was to him. Fuck. Here's to the deflated ego. *opens bag of chips*

Tuesday, 22 November 2011

Not a nice day

After not sleeping nearly enough, I think I just might've studied enough to pass today's exam. So that's the one good thing. Everything else?... 

Crappy traffic since I got on my way to campus. Made it in 15min before the exam, to meet ExamGuy who said hi. No news of LesMisGuy by then. He only made it in after our professor had arrived and had started handing out sheets. I was a tiny bit too eager to see him. When he walked in I said hi and waved, he said oh! hi, waved and took a seat. I wanted to bash my head against the wall. 

15min before the time for the exam was out he left. I thought about it and opted for not trying to guess at the bits I was missing any longer (I could've turned my exam a half hour before the due time, I was sort of kind of waiting for LesMisGuy). I was hoping he and the others who'd been out early would be hanging out somewhere. Not the case. 

So, I go out and wait to get on a bus. Took me 40min. By the time a bus came the crowd was unbearable.  A guy popping gum. A couple. Some fucking idiot eating corn chips (very smelly). A fatass making misogynistic remarks about a pregnant lady people wouldn't let out of a bus. Sons of bitches too eager to get home to respect personal space, or any sense of a queue for that matter. When I made it into the bus someone actually kicked my talons. With hard shoes. It actually hurt and I don't often complain about physical pain. Then I got stuck next to a guy who kept hitting  the back of my chair while he talked to THE THING THAT WOULDN'T SHUT UP about extreme sports and extreme injuries. Oh, but that's not it. When I thought I could finally get out, when my mum was nearby waiting for me, it was just a matter of crossing the traffic light. Except the bus didn't move. The lights turned green, red, green, red, green, and red again. Nothing. When the bus finally moved, it DIDN'T FUCKING STOP where it was supposed to. Carried me way off, a couple of stations ahead. I still don't know what the fuck was the matter. My phone was out of battery. It's something of a miracle I managed to talk to my mum and she managed to find me and pick me up. I had to stand in the rain for a good half hour, though. Crappy, CRAPPY day. 

The one thing that could make it all better didn't happen, and it just added insult to injury: the time I wasted thinking of what to wear, are my lips soft? Did I put on perfume? How about some make up? And what if it's cold? Can't wear that, not very nice looking... For a surprised "oh! hi!" that made me feel like an overeager moron. I've been through this with EBF already. I already know the next rational step is to wait until Thursday or Friday and ask him out then. But right NOW I'm wondering if I shouldn't be taking a hint. If he'd wanted to talk to me it was as easy as waiting for another 10min. Time was up anyway. He didn't even turn to say good bye as he left, not to me anyway. He did say "bye" and I don't know to who. 

I want to hide under a rock. Now that all I have to do is wait for the thesis' approbation to come through, I could go hide under a rock. That's how I know I'm fucking insecure. I almost want to cry thinking "LesMisGuy" doesn't like me! I almost want to cry feeling like Orpheus, walking in the dark, afraid to check if he's following lest I lose him forever. I almost want to cry realising how crappy and cliché-ish I become when I think so much about him. And I'm not even kidding or 100% sure it's a hormonal thing. I actually kind of want to cry.

Sunday, 20 November 2011

Roles are reversed for a while here

It's usually A who starts off with the "I'm  so doomed!" bits, but today it was me. I've had a hardly controllable urge to cry, wondering the things I wonder when my mind's had too much time to wander. I'm wondering if I said the wrong thing. Is it because I said I couldn't trust anyone blindly? Is that it? He's been online from his computer (not his phone) twice now today, for not so short spans of time. I wanted to talk to him, just say something... anything... how did he do in today's exam? Did he get the same crappy questions I got? I laughed out loud like an idiot reading the multiple choice answers  and the English questions. Did he laugh too? Has he studied for the differential geometry exam? How's his paper moving along? But I'm afraid that's all well into the "trying too hard" territory and I already strayed that way... I wish we could just meet and talk. It's driving me crazier by the minute... I need to clear things up. Shit, Sheldon and Amy are now officially together and even Sheldon got the words out of his mouth "will you be my girlfriend?"... How come we kissed after talking for hours and then language died?

Saturday, 19 November 2011

You know I'm insecure, right?

Goodness... It's official, then. No word from LesMisGuy yet. He's online from his phone and I was tempted to say hi but decided against it. I'm starting to worry that I should be taking a hint and I had to ask EBF: what if after Tuesday, when we take the differential geometry exam,  we still haven't spoken? Should I take a hint and just give up? EBF says no, I get to try one last time and ask him out on Thursday/Friday. 

It's just... well, LesMisGuy briefly mentioned how he also tries to see how everything will pan  out, considering possible outcomes and getting lost in fantasies (I assume). What do you suppose is in that list of possible outcomes in his head? I, for one, expected to talk about it at some point, or maybe get to go out again this weekend and neither of those two worked out. We talked, yes, but it was a very uncomfortable talk, if you ask me. Well, it was uncomfortable for me, possibly because I was hoping we'd come around to the subject and we didn't. I was hoping we'd get a chance to talk face to face in university and that hasn't happened either. I was hoping to find it was all very meaningful, but it's hard to think the meaningfulness is just as great for him right now. I miss words. I'm a bundle of insecurities. I'm scared.

What if he was using  me? What if the unreasonable little voice in the back of my head is right and he's actually like D? What if he doesn't actually have any feelings for me beyond physical attraction? What if he's unwilling to even follow up on that? How likely is it for him to have a girlfriend he was cheating on with me last Saturday night? I'm going to worry myself sick because the more time we go without talking the more time I go having waaay too much time to myself. When that happens, I overthink. Overthinking based on conjectures never works out. Too many false assumptions I won't know are false until I'm proven wrong. And I don't know if I'll be proven wrong... Madness... 

Damn it! I  was so excited about this! This silence is so anticlimactic! It strips all meaning off of what I thought had happened. I'm left thinking  that if there are no words and I have only the experience to look back on, then if we don't agree on what it meant the experience is, in fact, dead. How depressing...

And now I'm questioning everything

*sigh*

I'm chatting with EBF, and the inevitable subject of my interactions with the opposite sex (read: LesMisGuy) came up. I asked if we shouldn't be trying to talk, regardless of whether or not we talk about going out again. EBF said we should, so he asked how confident I am in my kissing skills. I replied that if LesMisGuy pulling me back in for a kiss several times was any indication, I'm probably not as rusty as I thought I was. EBF said I'm ok as long as he kept reeling me in. Even as I read, I suddenly started questioning my skills: the way he offered a sip of Coca-Cola towards the end because my lips were dry, the fact that it was just a kiss on the cheek when we said goodbye. What if he didn't like it when I kissed him? What if he's not calling again because of that? What if he was only pulling me back into a kiss because he didn't like me kissing his cheek, or cradling my head between his neck and shoulder? What if he didn't, after all, mean he'd had a good night? What if he didn't have a good night? Oh dear...

Took me long enough to look it up

Something to do with last Saturday. You see, LesMisGuy mentioned having dreams about his teeth falling. He said he was told it's good luck to have such dreams. I looked online and... well, it sort of makes him insecure, which makes him like me and makes me right, so he's so right for me... right? Heh... 

Boy, I really want to see him again...

Friday, 18 November 2011

Damn, I'm tired...

I fell asleep sometime around 1, woke up around 4:30, made it to university by 7, studied until 8, worked on the thesis from 8-11:30, went to a seminar about Escher from 12-1, worked on the thesis again until 6. Met my uncle, who offered to give me a ride to his place. Played with my cousin's boyfriend's dog. Waited for my parents. Only just got in about a half hour ago. I'm fucking exhausted

It might have something to do with the fact that I scored 65/100 in the last differential geometry exam (YAY! I didn't fail it!), or the fact that even according to ThPr there's not that much work left to be done on the thesis, but I really  want to make time to see LesMisGuy. I freaked out stupid when my sister called to check if my parents had come by to pick my up at my uncle's place... Even though by then it was already 9pm and I might've been able to figure it couldn't possibly be him. Right... Maybe tomorrow? If not tomorrow, how about next week? Maybe after the exam on Tuesday? Or next weekend? 

Fuck, I'm tired... 


linaThumbe OUT.

Wednesday, 16 November 2011

Misguided hunch

I've got a bit of a hunch. It's not a good one and it's not concerning me. Seeing how I was quite right about the guy number two with N1, I'm just going to throw this out there: the rich foreign guy? He just might be deluded into the idea that N1's a prostitute. Just saying.

Second and third opinions


I'm telling N1 about this. You know what she said? "I'm gonna kill A! How could she say that?!" Exactly. And only then did I realise: you know how A is all about empowerment? Well, it would make an awful lot of sense if she was sabotaging me on purpose and I just didn't see it. Twisted? Yes. Sick? Yes. I should've just trusted my gut. I will, from now on, trust my gut. No matter how fucking annoying A gets. She doesn't seem to have my best interests at heart. It just can't be done, now can it?


[next day edit]
I met with CtThumbe for lunch today. She agreed with N1. Immediately. So there. Right! Also? A's facebook stalking is reaching new heights and getting me worried. Suddenly I have reasons to worry about 4 of my friends. Not very good, is it?

Kiss junkie

Hi, I'm linaThumbe and I'm addicted to kisses. Well, LesMisGuy's kisses, anyway. Can't get him out of my mind. I was working, woke up early to work too, and I've now come to a halt because all I can think of is how badly I want to see LesMisGuy and kiss him. And then kiss him some more. Man...

I need fewer girl friends

That's what I get for following their advice. EBF's advice is much sounder: I'm trying waaay too hard. I already knew that, I just don't need to show it. And last night I did. Which really doesn't make anyone's life any easier. So, let's see if I can stick to the new plan: wait for him to ask me out this weekend. If that doesn't happen I ask him out next week. Right. Peace out.


(By the way, I keep slapping myself thinking how stupid I was... Not good, is it?)

Tuesday, 15 November 2011

*bangs head against walls*

So, all my asking for advice proved pretty much fucking useless. LesMisGuy didn't show up for class. He did, however, sit around on a table near the classroom, so that when I went to the bathroom and started walking back I had to squint my eyes (I'm blinder than usual today) to realise "Yes, that's him, sitting on a table with one of the guys not in class and another guy from the class." All I had time to think right then and there was that he was busy and I wouldn't be getting in the way of their conversation. It didn't occur to me to say hi, wave, or even smile. I don't know if he saw me. And I feel like an idiot because when the class was over and I made my way to where he was I found he wasn't there anymore. It gave me an urge to send him a text message with only a smile on it (because frankly it's all I could think of). So, I tell A and she tells me to text him. Like, NOW, which was a half hour ago. So I do. And there's nothing. And then he logs online from his phone. So, by A's orders I say hi. It takes a while but he says hi back. He's working on his thesis. And now I don't have a clue what to say. I just want to bang my head against the wall. FUUUUUUUUCK this is awkward... I evidently can't just "run away from it" because it would seem the only reason he logged on is because I sent him the blasted text message. FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCK.

Why did I follow A's advice? Couldn't I have just stuck to what EBF said and played it "cool" until he made a move? WHY?

Couple of minutes later... he's telling me he explained his thesis in Italy. It went well. They want to publish his work. HOT! I still feel like a nagging woman from the 50s, the stupid kind who doesn't really understand a man's job and just gets in the way. So, now I'm alternating between thinking how hot it is for him to be so smart, wanting to hide under a rock for being the idiot who distracts him from such important work, and wanting to kiss him oh!-so-badly.

So I just told him I spontaneously remembered the craziest thing I've ever done. I doubt he'll want to have that conversation but it's a bit too emo to go all "but you're probably too busy to hear about it." Craziest thing I've ever done? I once belonged to a goth metal band. HILARIOUS. I remembered tonight as I waited for my mum to pick me up and started laughing by myself. I told him he has time to guess what that might be and work, I'll tell him later.

Spoilsport... he said to tell him right away. Now my funny fun fact sounds incredibly fucking boring, and stupid.

He asked what I played. I'm feeling particularly uninteresting right now.

Nearly two hours later, after a very. BORING. and. SLOOOW. conversation, he's off to sleep. I feel like a proper moron. *bangs head against the wall repeatedly*

Lie turtles

I remember two dreams from last night. In one, there was a Disney television show about a family that kept a pet turtle and they were trying to figure out if it was a Lie turtle, which to me was glaringly obvious because Lie turtles were Lie turtles the way French poodles are French poodles. On to the other dream: in this one I was someplace in a mall, and I ran off to meet A because I'd left her alone with two creepy girls to buy a backpack. The creepy girls had her in a place full of stuffed animals, all of which had some kind of marking (in the form of a star, or a music note). The markings somehow represented the scars left behind when people cut themselves, and each scar was to be related to a particular stuffed animal. A ran away from them saying she'd rather try a different shop.

Wait, I remember three more bits. In a tiny little glimpse of a dream Mika was living in Paris and fell in love with fashion. In another glimpse of a dream I was in Ctg and a club by the sea put out tons of sand on the parking lot every Sunday/Saturday. In the last glimpse I remember I was a guest at my uncle's house and got a room to myself, one of my cousins' rooms. It was somehow important that they'd left me with a room to myself.

Monday, 14 November 2011

Shitty weather

So, the weather's shit lately, right? It rains all the time, sometimes it even hails, and it's cold enough to make you feel miserable. AOB has been in a shitty mood if his facebook status updates are any indication. I tried asking how everything was going, but got no answer. I tried asking him if he'd like to go grab dinner tonight, my treat, and got a "thanks but no thanks." I topped that one off with a "Let me know if you change your mind. Maybe some other time?" and left it at that. I'm starting to worry about him. Even EBF agrees it's really not like him to be quite so depressive. I suppose I can't really do anything until he lets me, but it makes me sad. He's a great guy, he's a good friend.. I wish I could do something. *sigh* I'll just have to wait, just like with everything else, won't I?

I need a fix

Even watching my favourite scene from last week's glee episode is no good. I made out with LesMisGuy, it was intoxicating, and now I'm addicted and can't stop thinking about how to get a fix. Can't even work. I just... I want to kiss him again. And then again after that. And again after that. You get the idea. While that happens (and I can only hope it will), I'm stuck with other thoughts. Mostly, flashbacks and rhetorical questions I'm quite sure even EBF wouldn't have a good answer for.

There's the matter of how little we talked while we kissed. When he'd just started kissing me I remember saying something about how I suck at strategy. Then there was nothing. I wonder if there shouldn't have been sweet words, or some kind of other indication. The silence sort of leaves the door open for a "fling" label.

There's the funny bit where LesMisGuy was scared I might be gay when I brought up my fascination with LGBT culture and rights, he actually had to ask. Reminds me of those bank commercials "your money just might be in the wrong place."

We talked about jealousy, cheating, and trust. He asked if I was a jealous person. I said not really, but then again sometimes yes. I elaborated: I explained how I think jealousy and insecurity are related, and stated I'm not so much jealous as I am insecure. He said he'd trust a partner blindly. I said I could never do that, but explained I'd never choose a partner I couldn't trust.

He told me about fights with his parents. I talked about my friends. For a while there, I think I told him a lot more about myself than I ever tell anyone. When he asked me to tell him something to guess about myself I was genuinely out of ideas after I asked him to try to guess my taste in music (hit the nail with classical music, didn't try any harder than that). Would you normally talk about such "deep" issues with a fling?

There was some talk about people we find attractive. He mentioned he adores Megan Fox. I said I never found her appeal and instead very much preferred Natalie Portman, if I were ever to become gay (not sure it was a welcome joke). He asked me what kind of guys I like. I didn't know what to answer. I asked him what kind of girls he likes, if there was some sort of stereotype. He said he liked blonde and black haired girls alike (didn't mention brunettes, incidentally). I'm not sure he would've liked to hear all about how I love the contrast of a manly man with feminine attitudes, that would be a blow to his ego. I briefly told him about the time I defended strip clubs. He tried to say he thought they were cool, but I don't think he managed to put together an argument. I think he might've been afraid I'd judge him for liking strip clubs. Not at all.

I told him about my weird jokes with Vc, AOB and EBF, as well as the type of weird things we were exposed to in high school. I was able to read his mind when I mentioned disturbing videos (meaning Salad fingers, Don Hertzfeldt cartoons) and he briefly considered bringing up "Two girls, one cup" and then regretted it. I mentioned it myself later.

We realised he didn't have much of a childhood and I didn't have much of an adolescence. He didn't know many of the "childish" things I know a bit too much about. He didn't even know Roald Dahl, and he'd never read "Matilda," "The BFG," "Charlie and the Chocolate Factory," or any other. He did, however, mess around quite a bit when he was younger and made me realise I've never done such crazy things. I've never been drunk, or even properly tipsy. I've never gotten into a bad fight with my parents. I've never been a naughty student.

I told him about the odd guys who've had crushes on me. I made a point out of omitting the ones from summer school. Big can of worms I'd rather never open. He told me about a time some girls came on to him and a friend while at a party, and how it got very awkward after they got over the ego boost bit.

I wonder if I'm a good kisser, if I'm not awfully rusty after 5+ years of nothing. N1 pointed out he wouldn't have kept leading me back in to the kiss if he didn't like it. I sort of have to agree. And then I remember that towards the end the kisses were quite dry (literally) and he offered me a drink from the glass of Coca-Cola we were sharing. I think the fact that we started sharing this last glass should've been an indication of the fact that we'd be swapping saliva later (sorry for the crude description).

I often made a point out of telling him when people got all over my personal space, including the time I broke down at the party EBF made me go to. I suppose he could've read that as "I like you" if he put that together with just how close we were, and how we were always somehow touching.

We talked about books, about wars, about films, about principles, about so many things... I want to believe you wouldn't talk quite so much to a girl you had no feelings for. I want to believe if he just wanted to make out he would've made a move much sooner than 5 hours into a conversation. I then get stuck wondering if it's not exactly the sort of thing friends with benefits would do, but have no answer because, of course, I don't have a clue how such things work.

There's the text message conversation when I got back and the way that ended. Do you suppose he actually meant "what a night!"? Do you suppose he even understood my "indeed!"? Were we supposed to say "let's do it again!"?

Try writing all that with the relentless thought of his face right against mine, our foreheads touching, his lips so pink, so soft, so hard to resist... his arm around my neck, one hand on my hair, another lightly caressing my lower back... When do we get to do that again? Do we get to do that again? I really want us to...

Sunday, 13 November 2011

EBF's much needed input

[edited]

And N2's. Thanks a bunch to her too.

EBF reckons it's anyone's call until we meet again. N2 says whomever's first to arrive to the class on Tuesday should be the first to say hi, like nothing happened. N2 says he should be the one to ask me out again if it's to turn into a relationship, though EBF reckons it doesn't matter and he wouldn't mind if I were the one to show interest. He says I can put the question out there and wait for LesMisGuy to put a time and place to meet. Coward that I am, I suppose I could ask him out again, it's not exactly too much. Either way, we have to go out again. Whenever we end up kissing again (in university or elsewhere), EBF said to ask "what are we doing?" and he'll have to give me an answer:

1) "I don't know, what do you want this to be?" = "Do you want to be my girlfriend?" (I'm partial to the second one, no beating around the bush... but that's because I'm old-fashioned like that.)

2) "We're just friends, who like one another." = "We're fooling around, that's it."

3) "I don't know, let's see where it goes from here." = All bets are off, 50:50 chances to be split between 1) and 2) until further notice on future nights out.

In the meantime, I'm to greet him first (since I'm the one who's first in the classroom), which will have me turning back every so often to see who's coming in. I'm supposed to wait to meet him "casually." No trying too hard to say hi, though waiting to see if he wants to talk after class is probably a good idea. Not sure where to go from there until another kiss comes up. I gotta sit it out and wait, it seems.

On a somewhat different subject, I told EBF about the way LesMisGuy tickled my lower back. EBF pointed out it was a form of "horny behaviour," albeit "nice-horny." He said to pay it no mind, as hands have hands of their own, and not to make anything of it (not try to interpret it as an indicator of anything). Sensible enough. You know what I love? EBF's possibly the only person alive I could've asked "Good heavens! You don't suppose I blue-balled him, do you?" (for the record, EBF said no).

...........pation

Never thought I'd see the day when I'd write that title, you know?

At first I thought it was just cold, but I'm now under the covers and still shivering. I figure it has to be pure excitement and adrenaline.

So... here's how it went, and I don't know if I'll have time to update later to fill in the details:

I left feeling like the Beast before the ball, and I left with my mum and my sister who dropped me off around the place where we'd agreed to meet. I got out of the car a little sooner in case he was already there. I had my phone in my hand, ready to call if I didn't see him. I thought I did and it was someone else, then I kept on walking and found him walking towards me. We greeted and agreed on a place to go.

We took seats in a corner (one of those places with seats on the walls), I ordered a Cuba Libre, he ordered a beer, and we talked. It started off innocently enough, and sometimes we'd get stuck and he'd watch television or I'd stare at the signs on the walls. Our knees were touching under the table, pretty much all the time, and every so often we'd move a bit so we were closer together.We talked about films we like, books we've read, what we do in our spare time, friends... And then shit got serious, if only at times, and then more and more often. I'll point them out now because I saw them for what they were and for the life of me couldn't make myself react appropriately:

1) He asked what I'd do if I could something crazy, no consequences. I know he was actually asking me to take a leap and kiss him. I couldn't do it. I sort of forced him to carry on with his conversation and he had to bend the subject around.

2) He told me to ask him something, anything, that he was feeling particularly honest and was pretty sincere most of the time anyway. I know he was telling me to ask if he had a crush me or something along those lines, but I didn't dare.

I mentioned I found him impossible to read. He asked if I was a jealous person. He told me he wasn't jealous. He admitted he'd cheated on a gf once and broken up with her two days later. I told him I'd trusted a cheater once and he'd told me he'd rather be with another girl anyway. We talked about trust. The conversation kept on drifting. We talked about Victor Hugo, and "The hunchback of Notre Dame." By then, we were sitting next to one another, our legs in direct contact from hip to knee, our hands on our legs, close to one another. I made a move, I ever so lightly touched one of his fingers with one of mine. We didn't look down while we talked, but the light touch of fingertips slowly grew into caresses and a playful full on "hand-kiss" (if you'll allow the expression) we'd both go back to even after briefly stopping to make a hand gesture in the conversation. Then, the conversation grew quiet, he looked at his hand holding mine, smiled and leaned in toward me. We kissed. And it was glorious.

We kissed for maybe a half hour, maybe more. I'm not good at keeping track of time at a time like this. We didn't really talk much from that point onwards. Every so often I'd feel that the PDA was a bit much and would just take a break to nest my head between his neck and his shoulder, or kiss his cheek and his neck. Every time I did he'd gently take my chin with his hand and lead me to another kiss. We smiled when we looked into one another's eyes. I started off with just pecks but he broke out into a mild French kiss, occasionally nibbling on my lips, lightly running his hand up my thigh (which made me uncomfortable and resulted in me caressing his arm to stop him) and, later, a maddening gentle tickle along my lower back, under my shirt, and a sweet caress along my belly (which, I must admit, made me a bit self-conscious). My parents called to see if I was nearly done yet. I told them they could pick me up. LesMisGuy might've been a tiny bit apprehensive, but really it was 1:15am by then and we met at 8:00pm sharp. We paid the bill, and when my parents came to get me we said goodbye with just a kiss on the cheek (which I made an actual kiss on his cheek). As I got on the car I greeted my parents with a "goodbye." That's how out there I was.

I can't believe we kissed. I can't believe we kissed... A while after I got home I sent him a text message, asking if he was home safe and sound. He answered he was already under the covers. Then he wrote "Good night!" which I interpreted as a "what a night!" as opposed to "sweet dreams!", so I typed back "indeed!"... I wonder, from the lack of further messages from him, if I fucked up with that response. And then I realise, that's the way I write, that's the way I communicate, that's how I roll. And then... well, I'm afraid to interpret what happened. I want to believe it's more than a one night thing. I want to believe it's serious. I want to believe we're together or we can be in a near future. I worry that it's not the case. I need to ask EBF for some kind of guidance.

While he gets back to me... goodness I still smell like him. I have the lingering feeling of his lips against mine, his beard and moustache, the gentle nibbling, his fingers running under my shirt, ever so lightly... it drives me insane. It's intoxicating. More than the one Cuba Libre, even though that did leave me a tiny bit tipsy (and forced me to order fries and two Coca-Colas, the second of which we shared). I cannot believe we kissed.

Saturday, 12 November 2011

Round two

It's on. I'm meeting LesMisGuy tonight. A helped me pick out clothes, and I've already painted my nails. That leaves actually changing and getting ready. My sister volunteered to help with that. I think I'll do my own make up, keep it natural-ish. I'm not too sure about the hair yet. I don't want to look too made up. It would be a bit weird... I do intend to look good, just... not like I'm trying quite as hard as I am. I'm even worrying about what drink to order... *sigh* A suggests a Cuba Libre. That's what I'm having. Just the one, though, getting tipsy for the first time ever around LesMisGuy would be an epic fail. Good heavens, I really do think things over too much, don't I?

Friday, 11 November 2011

Rien ne change

J'ai pris un examen aujourd'hui, de 17h à 19h. LesMisGuy m'a apellé à 18h. 17h. J'ai lui apellé à 19.07, mais il n'a pas répondu. Alors, après 15 minutes de le rédiger, j'ai lui envoyé un message. Pas de réponse... Je vais lui apeller démain, j'espere que nous pourrons nous voir. *soupir*

Et SmTn... il m'a écrit. Il lui a pris environ une heure pour rédiger le message, je crois. Il a commencé par dire qu'il ne sait pas si elle était une bonne idée, le break. Qu'il ne voulait pas m'envoyer un e-mail sérieux, alors il m'a raconté d'une conférence sur les vies des mathématiciens. Son e-mail est fini avec un sourire, et quelque chose pour me faire sourire aussi. Mais, s'il fait une semblance entre lui même et James Bond... ça veut dire qu'il se cache encore. C'est pas bien, ça. Je me démande si on aura une conversation sérieuse ou s'il veut continuer avec ce jeu.

Tout ça m'exaspére!

Pourquoi est-ce que LesMisGuy et moi ne pouvons jamais nous rencontrer? Pourquoi est-il si difficile de parler avec lui? A dit que c'est le déstin à moi, qu'il ne faut pas que je sois avec LesMisGuy. Je vais l'essayer. Je veux être avec lui.

I already had this debate

You know how I had a dream where I saw SmTn online and pondered whether or not to talk to him? He's online now. I'm appearing offline. I wonder if I should go online. And then I remember I already thought this through and what I thought in my dream stays true now. We said a break, even if he doesn't really know how to count. Besides, I've got an exam to study for. Maybe I'll get an e-mail from him in a bit. Maybe. Let's try and stick to the decision I'd already hypothetically made.

TLOTR inspired fugitives

I had a dream about a group of friends running away from the police in the US. They were being accused of the murder of a young woman, but they didn't actually do it. The group included a young hobbit who almost drowned, an old man no one believed in and an owl that looked a lot like a hoot-hoot (pokémon). They all hosted a radio programme they recorded on the go as they travelled around. They were eventually taken in by a rich texan who had committed the murders and kept a fat accountant organizing books. All but one of the rooms in his house were allowed to be visited by the group. The house was made out of milk, not cheese, as someone pointed out in an Alice's Adventures in Wonderland moment. I remember the hobbit almost drowned once and the old man no one believed in managed to save him. The others had placed bets against him and had to pay him with fish. After the owl saved them from some situation or other they took on his image as the flag they hung from their car. At the end of my dream they had changed cars, but the new car kept the plates of the old one so they could easily be identified. A redheaded woman with curly hair in her 30s-40s was the one to identify them and stop them. She was half-ready to let them free, having murdered an abusive husband.mu

Thursday, 10 November 2011

Homophilia

You know how I just love everything LGBTQ (sorry if it should be longer or a more politically correct/inclusive form, for now I'm sticking to this one). Two things:

1) It would seem I was right about SweetGal. There's the sweetest picture of her with another girl on facebook, just a bit too close for anything you could call a "just friends" hug. The picture made me smile. I may be reading too much into this, but with the added OMG comment, I'm going to go out on a limb and guess she and the girl in the picture are together. They look lovely together. I'd be happy for SweetGal.

2) Took me long enough: I'm now adoring Grant Gustin. For a television villain he's an incredibly sweet guy. Plus, he's so handsome. I have a sneaking suspicion that he might be gay and I sort of decided he'd make such a lovely couple with Chris Colfer... Just throwing that out there. Either way, I love him.

Still not hungry

All day today I had breakfast and a chicken sandwich. Not hungry. My stomach's grumbling, but I don't actually want to eat anything. Yesterday I had about half a regular serving of lunch, two packs of Oreos, and a glass of blackberry juice with yoghurt. The day before that I had half of lunch and then soup at night. The day before that I can't remember anymore. Google points out no loss of appetite should last more than a day or two. Most likely diagnosis is a bad case of the blues.

Since I won't actually say anything I sort of need to rant, sorry

I'm a sucker for romance. You could even say I'm addicted to it. Also? Couples make me uncomfortable. It seems to me that they feel entitled to so much because they're together. In public transportation they'll stick together like one very large person and refuse to budge even when they're very inconveniently in the middle of the fucking way. Just now I changed seats because I was cold in the library and I can't drink tea there. So I came to a small hall between classrooms where they put some of the comfortable benches on each side. There were two guys here before, across from me, and I indulged in half-hearing their conversation knowing they were having a smart conversation, proud that in my university setting you hear people talking smart thoughts. Then they left and I was on my own for a bit. And a short while ago a couple came over. The guy brought in another bench so they could put it next to the one already here and lie on both of them. They almost immediately started kissing. It made me very uncomfortable to know I'm a spectator for a show I have no interest in, that they just came here and did that, just like that. Couples are allowed to kiss, they're allowed to be sweet and cuddly and all sorts of other nice things. It just makes me uncomfortable that they should do it all quite so openly, quite so in front of me, quite so lustfully in a public setting.

Fun fact, except it's not fun at all

There's a protest today, by the students. In this country, more so with circumstances being what they are, that means they'll get beat up mercilessly by the police force because they'll be regarded as terrorists. More so today than any other day, mind you. In my humble opinion, they shouldn't have gone through with today's protest: they already got the government to do what they wanted it to do, sort of. Now it's a matter of getting a decent law together. Thing is, the government and the student body don't trust one another. I was afraid I wouldn't make it to campus, but I made it here all right. I realised that these student protests make me unreasonably sad. I almost want to cry just thinking about it and I don't know why. An anti-riot police car is parked just in front of me, by the main library, blasting music like beating students up is a damned party. It makes me a little sick to my stomach, to be honest.

Wednesday, 9 November 2011

No, I actually don't know what would make it easier

I remembered a while ago. I had a dream about SmTn. In this dream I called his number, the girlfriend picked up and I had to ask if English was ok and then ask for SmTn. We talked for a while, just friends style. I can't remember what about, but it was nice talking to him. The girlfriend was so INCREDIBLY nice on the phone. SmTn hasn't written. He hasn't been online (not that he would be). No activity on facebook, either. So, I'm at a bit of a loss here. It's been two weeks. And a day. Maybe he'll write, maybe he won't. I don't know if either of the two would make anything easier. I half expect him to disappear. I wish he'd say goodbye for good before doing so. I wonder if he didn't get caught and into trouble. I wonder if he didn't decide it's for the best to disappear without saying anything. It would make him a well-meaning liar.

I should probably mention I've been dreaming about him sending an e-mail, and I even had a dream about him being online. In this last dream I hesitated and then opted against saying hi because in my book we agreed he'd be the one to end the break.

[two weeks and two days into the "break"...]
I keep going over the last bit of our last conversation, wondering if I got something wrong.

He said:

"so, until next time, which is?"

I answered:

"whichever time you choose it to be"

He puzzled me:

"you can also write to me"

So I said:

"didn't you say something about a break?"

His answer:

"yes"

"so, maybe about two weeks"

and then

"feels a bit long"

I said:

"I'll wait for you to write"

"any time you feel like it send me an e-mail"

Was he not supposed to have written by now? I said I'd wait for him to write. Can he be waiting for me to write first? Do you suppose he's hiding (me? from me?) I don't know what to make of this. It makes me very uneasy and restless. What if he just disappears?

Strange disposition

So, I had half a plate of lunch and even a bowl of tomato soup at night was a bit too much. That's all I've had to eat. All day. I don't know what's up with me. I also can't sleep. You'd think I could be dead tired, but I'm not. I'm actually well awake and I even sat through today's representation theory class without dozing (I did get distracted, but that's a different matter). It took forever, but I finally got to watch the latest glee episode.

They didn't pull it off as well as I wished they would, but it wasn't bad. I still have hope in the Klaine relationship, goodness knows I'm a sucker for that pairing. I was afraid they'd ruin it with the new guy, but it looks like they're staying strong and I don't have good reason to stop watching the show just yet. I love Darren Criss' dreamy voice in his performances, even if his acting skills can't match Chris Colfer's. I still grow addicted to their romantic scenes, namely the one where they're both on the stage after the show and Kurt says "you take my breath away." Maybe because I'm in a mood for cheesy romance, but I, too, am a "Sicily romantic" so maybe I just enjoy it too much when you can afford to say such things and mean them. Even if it's pretend say those things and mean them. Chris was just amazeballs. Which is why you can tell Darren's performance wasn't up to par, but I'm not keeping track. He's still one of the few reasons I stick to the show even through the crappy storylines and performances.

I talked about it with A. You know what struck me as a bit weird? You know how she's satanising most everything sex-related? She thought the scene where they almost had sex in the car was sexy. I had to disagree. It was borderline rape-like and there's nothing sexy about a drunk man wanting to have sex with you even though you're not in a good mood. She says I killed her idea of how hot the scene would have been. I just don't think it would have been hot. I started the politically correct sex talk: sex is something people should do together, not to one another. It's just not sexy that way. You're supposed to be involved, even if you take turns in the give and receive, it's something you're doing together. Not that I'd know a damned thing, of course. I'm just a hopeless romantic.

See? Still not sleepy. EBF not around. AOB gone AWOL. I should study. Or work. I'll just listen to Mika.

Tuesday, 8 November 2011

That was unexpectedly corny and déjà-vu-ish

So, I was 5 or so min late for today's exam which I'm crossing my fingers I didn't screw up quite so badly. A few times our professor gave us hints, which were often quite funny. I could hear LesMisGuy laugh in the back. The dorkiest laugh I know, absolutely adorable, and I caught myself thinking: "I love the way he laughs." So there. Have I mentioned it yet? I've had "Elle me dit" on repeat for the last 4 days or so. So catchy...


It's bad

How bad? For the last couple of days I've been averaging a meal a day. I haven't had any breakfast and a few morsels into a not-that-big lunch, I don't really want to eat any more.

I finished the differential geometry exercises and slept a whopping 3-4 hours. It's pouring, it's cold, I feel like shit and I don't think my exercises are too well done. I'm very afraid of failing today's exam so badly I won't be able to recover with the other two.

On other news, pondering how well AOB managed to get ahead of me, I realised something: people have been reading me wrong forever. First instance goes back to when I was 5 and my pre-school teachers thought I'd become a beauty queen and should star in the re-enactment of "Annie." Either they were very wrong or I was. Either way, it's peculiar.

Monday, 7 November 2011

Catching up

1) I love talking to AOB, always so nice.

2) I'm sort of catching up with him, which means I ended up telling him about SmTn. He'll get back to me later, he's out of batteries. He tells me to rest (instead of trying to study any more/at all). Right off the bat he asked if I was infatuated. Bonus points.

Sunday, 6 November 2011

Obstacle race and concert

I remember two dreams. The first of the to involved a concert by a band I really like, maybe Beirut. It was here, as in, in the neighbourhood. I was going to the concert with Darren Criss and others. I sort of was only interested in Darren Criss. I think CtThumbe was among the others, too. The concert was to take at least 4-5 days. I don't remember much other than looking for my group and taking a seat near the stage.

In another dream I had to take a French exam. It had been designed as an obstacle race and it was supposed to take me 3 hours. It could actually be dangerous. I first had to go to a room (my parents' room) and endure a foul smell while I answered multiple choice questions on a computer. Then it turned crazy. I had to jump as high as I could and take a measurement (80cm, I think, except the mark was waaaaaay up, at least 2m up). I remember hearing a jockey talk to his daughter and explain why she was sheltered and why being a jockey wasn't all that nice. I ran into A on some of the courses. She asked me to help her out with vocabulary. I'm not sure why I had to take note of the measurements, but at some point I forgot and I did a lot without taking note. I don't know if I made it up along the way later. I remember being worried that I'd get stuck taking the exam and not be able to get out without being found, but there were plenty of other people taking the exam, at least 4-5 waiting at each post. Apparently, not everyone began at the same place.

Wait, there were more dreams. Shit. SmTn was in one of them. He was about to get married to a beautiful girl who was dressed as a princess. Some other girl was dressed all in white for unrelated reasons. The princess girl ran out of a car to tell the other girl she couldn't marry SmTn. So the non-princess girl was free to be with him. It goes without saying that, even if it wasn't me per se, I was that girl in my dream. I ran out to where the car was parked just in front of the entrance of the building we were in and he came out. A blue prince, as the Spanish expression would have it. Hugging him right then and there was so nice. For some reason, I'd built a mythology around him, around everything concerning him. I remember huge models of atoms, at 3 petals where each orbit for an electron should be, each petal "electrified." I wanted to remind SmTn of a black swan, a black stork, and some other animal. I just can't remember why.

Then at times it seemed to me like I was watching some science show on television and natural disasters happened. Earthquakes, volcano eruptions. Very odd. At times I felt like I was hanging from the edge of a planet, about to fall off into space and harm, as if the planet's gravitational pull couldn't keep me safe. It was all very odd.

Funny, and old

Family reunion lunch ended around 6:30pm today. Adding up the fact that I haven't seen him online from his phone, I guessed LesMisGuy's out of town for the weekend. Feeling it would be weird to call him "knowing" I'd get a "not today" (or, you know a "No.") I opted for sending a text message. He answered over a half hour later. He is, after all, out of town for the weekend, ;(. Next weekend? Next weekend :) .

On other news, I'm having lunch with CtThumbe on Thursday. So much better than lunch with the game theory professor...

Unrelated... that dream I had about a girl named Gretchen... it's starting to worry me, if only a tiny bit.

Also unrelated? I could really use SmTn's help to study for the exam. Blast the damned break.

Saturday, 5 November 2011

Not that EBF is ever wrong

Except about bull fighting.

I asked. I pondered. I worried. He put it very simply: it's a bit more complicated, but LesMisGuy is a guy I like. I actually like him. And I'm wasting time analysing things I'll never make sense of because I can't read him. I waste time worrying about things that will never happen if all I do is worry about them. I'll call today around 5pm. Hope he's available and can think of a place to go.

Friday, 4 November 2011

I'm a chicken... but you already knew that

CtThumbe didn't call. I had planned to give LesMisGuy a call, but I was talking to N1, and I never got feedback from EBF, and I wondered if wanting to call him is a good enough reason to and in the end I didn't call. That's not to mention I haven't done shit to study for the differential geometry exam on Tuesday. ThPr is a mess. We talked. Very little progress. I have to hand in my thesis sometime between the 16th and the 18th. I want to call LesMisGuy. I just don't know why and I worry that I should probably figure out what it is I want out of calling him before I actually go ahead and do it... I could ask EBF again. I think he might not be too happy about it. In the back of my head, I keep wishing SmTn would write already, which creates a conflict with my hunch that he won't write again, period. So there's that. Right... That's it, then. For now.

Bold

I'm not sure if this is a dream I had last night or some other night but it must be quite recent. I had a dream where I was with LesMisGuy. I can't remember if I said anything, but I'm quite sure I gave him a peck on the cheek, at the very least. I'll have to look through the last few posts. Nope, I hadn't written about it. And I remembered: in my dream I asked LesMisGuy out and he asked me where I'd like to go. But I don't know of places too go, so I told him this. He told me to meet him someplace about 10 blocks north and 60 blocks west from where he lives. I don't even know what's over there, you know? But he gave very specific directions.

Thursday, 3 November 2011

Still confused, but now I know what's confusing me

LesMisGuy went to the differential geometry class today. I was a little late, protests and leaving a tiny bit late being at fault (technically, though, any bus other than the one I took would've left me far away from campus). Come the mid-class break, I went to hand in my homework. As I walked away I noticed him looking at me. The professor called me to tell me he had graded assignments to hand me. I asked "my?" instead of "mine?" and hated myself a tiny bit for it. As I went back to my seat LesMisGuy walked past to suggest a topological example. He said hi. I said "what's up?". I blushed, felt stupid, might've cursed under my breath and took a seat. I briefly contemplated how gorgeous he looked in burgundy and how sexy he looks talking maths. He went back to his seat and talked to the guy next to him. I was half hoping he'd come over and chat for a bit. I felt awkward so I took out "Catch 22" and started reading. It wasn't until the class started again that I realised he'd left.

I took up the book to try and man up. I can see why EBF thinks it's so funny, and I see the jokes but can't find them funny myself. Nevertheless, I'll see if I can man up reading it, that's the only reason I started reading anyway. Since we said hi, I'm thinking of giving him a call, or chatting with him if I see him online. Maybe we could go out. For a very brief moment there, knowing he was watching me while I talked to the professor, I had some certainty that he fancies me.

For an extended period of time, I've been mulling over thoughts of him and SmTn. The most sensible thing to do is to assume nothing more than friendsly ever went on with SmTn, regardless of whether or not he resurges from this break, and go back to thinking of LesMisGuy only, regardless of whether or not things work out with him. I realised that LesMisGuy makes me think he's wonderful and makes me question what's so wrong about me that he can't like me, or do something about it if he already does. On the other hand, even when I fuck up a bit, SmTn is constantly making me feel good about myself, trying to prove himself to me, telling me nice things. LesMisGuy is almost impossible to read, while SmTn was a piece of cake.

The appeal of LesMisGuy never disappeared, even when I caught myself red-handed: having feelings for SmTn. Want to know what made the difference? That thing I just mentioned. With SmTn I stand against feeling good about myself, being free to be a dork. With LesMisGuy I'm constantly wanting to change myself hoping he'll like me. I still feel miserable regarding the SmTn thing, but I actually know what's wrong there: he lives one third of the way around the world, with his girlfriend. I have no idea what's wrong that things can't ever work out with LesMisGuy.

By now the next sentence will make absolutely no sense. I've set my mind to it: I'll talk about it with EBF and then ask LesMisGuy out. The advantage to that lies in the fact that I no longer feel ashamed to try. If things go south there are no losses and the winnings start with him getting an ego boost. I briefly thought about talking to him and asking if he'd help me out with two game theory problems. First, I'd pose the problem of lunch with the game theory professor, and then I'd mention how I never got the signal games right. That being said, I could go on to say "Here's your signal: I like you." Awkward, yes... but it doesn't make my statement any less true. He can see if he can get anything more than an ego boost out of it. Goodness knows there could be a lot more to it.

Is it worth mentioning I actually tried to look pretty today? I suppose you could say I did it for me, since it's never a given that LesMisGuy will show up for class. I wore the pretty new sweater as if there were an occasion. Since it's me, I had time to wonder if it had anything to do with anything. Not that it would. It did make me notice how bizarre it might seem to others, knowing I'm just as likely to want to dress pretty as wear my dad's oversized sweaters in the course of a week.

Wednesday, 2 November 2011

Les choristes: une critique

Un autre post en français, pour pratiquer.

J'ai vu Les choristes aujourd'hui. Après travailler dans ma thesis, et avant de faire mon devoir de géometrie differencielle, j'ai vu le film. C'est un bon film. L'histoire est jolie, mais pas magnifique. J'ai aimé Mathieu. Quel personnage si agréable! On l'esperait de quelqu'un avec un visage comme le sien. Ce type de rôle, le professeur qui fait une différence dans les vies de ses étudiants, toujours me plaît. J'aurais voulu voir plus d'inteprétations, entières. Et, peut être, plus de détails sur les vies de Morhange et Mathieu. Tout de même, c'est un bon film.

J'ai presque tout entendu, alors je peux m'enorgueillir un peu. Je n'ai pas pleuré avec le film, alors je peux m'enorgueillir beaucoup.

It only just occurred to me

I hit my productivity mark a while ago. I can't work anymore even though I really should. I could study French, or differential geometry seeing how I won't make much more progress on my thesis. Instead, I'm looking through lists of films to watch, hoping I'll find a decent one in French so I don't feel so guilty. I suddenly remembered that SmTn mentioned he'd seen Pan's Labyrinth recently and it just hit me: do you suppose he only watched it because it's in Spanish?

Exasperation

I was having this dream just a while ago, and the alarm I set up for 8:30am woke me up mid-dream. In my dream I was in class, and D was sitting on my left. He had shaved, and his hair was short. The guy to his left and a guy a couple of rows ahead kept turning to look at me. At some point I laughed and thought to myself SmTn would've loved it. For some reason I was talking to D. Out of the blue, pretty much, he said it: the two guys seemed to have a thing for me. He didn't even look at me as he said it. I drew a big arrow pointing at him with my pencil on the table, asking if he was anything like them. He blurred the arrow with his hand, even as I finished drawing it and looked up and to his left, exasperated. I started writing on the table again, trying to explain I didn't actually care and was just curious. I'm not sure if I was lying.

Tuesday, 1 November 2011

I'm probably nicer than I thought, and I shouldn't be

Remember my game theory professor from last semester? The old senile fart? I usually make a point of pretending not to notice him when he walks by. Today we sort of ran into each other as I came back from the maths department (and handing in a letter that will help with the minor problem). We shook hands. I made a mental note to wash my hands the next chance I got. He said he got my e-mail. One I sent four months ago, by his count. I was confused. Then I remembered but continued to act confused. You want to know? He gave out copies of some exercises he'd written to teach in an Ivy League school. In English, of course. And he wrote "higher" where he should have written "hire." I pointed it out during class, that he may correct his papers. He told me to write him an e-mail. So I did. Four fucking months ago. And he finds out now... Of course. He asks when I'm around campus. I mentioned I was around the maths department on Mondays at 4 because that's when I meet with ThPr. No good for him. He asked about other classes I'm taking. I mentioned differential geometry. He asked what time it is. I told him. He asked me to have lunch with him, on a Tuesday (I think he meant next Tuesday, actually), before the differential geometry class. I gave him my most politely unconvincing "sure." He asked several times, no less than three or four times. I answered the same way every time. He told me to write him an e-mail.

I don't remember if I told him I would, and I don't know if I will. I'm half hoping that if I write he'll forget about it for another 4 months and then I'll be spared. I worry that if I run into him again (and I will) he will remember and ask again. I sort of want to ask LesMisGuy to have lunch with me on Tuesday so I can have lunch with him if the professor doesn't show up, or have lunch with him if the professor does show up. I could at least ask for his advice, maybe? Regarding whether or not the professor might remember and hold me up to the lunch thing? And then again, I always wonder if it wouldn't be weird. He didn't go to class today. I'm not 100% sure if he was in the group of people who may or may not have just got out of the stochastic processes class at 7pm tonight. I don't know if it matters. I don't know what to do.... for the time being I'll wait for EBF to get online, laugh at me and try to help me out.